Rensselaer Republican, Volume 27, Number 3, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 13 September 1894 — Wanted. [ARTICLE]

Wanted.

New Orleans Picayune. A barber to shave the face of the earth. A bed for a tick of a clock. A timekeeper for a mill race. A sure cure for a pig’s stye. A carpenter to put a roof on a water-shed. A charter for a snow bank. Agents to handle the spice of life. Some one to spin a mountain top. A tonsorial artist to shampoo the head of a river. A detective to unravel a grave plot. A doctor to cure a window pane. An audience to see a horse fly. A nursemaid to rock the cradle of the deep. A key to a fire lock. A comb for a tow head. A singer who can reach the high seas. A man to find traces of a lost harness. A lawyer to try a watch case. A tailor to take the measure of a suit for libel. A sign language for dumb waiters. Some use for a dog’s pants. A pair of handcuffs for procrastination, “the thief of time.” A hand to go with an arm of the sea. A necklace for a neclcpf land. A pump for a well spring of information. Some buttons for a coat of paint. A commander to take charge of a courtship. A machine to thrash “wild oats.” A harness-maker to build a harness for nightmare. A thousand skippers to take charge of a head of cheese. A taxidermist to prepare brickbats for exhibition.