Rensselaer Republican, Volume 26, Number 18, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 28 December 1893 — THE GASSY MAN AND THE SHARP MAN. [ARTICLE]

THE GASSY MAN AND THE SHARP MAN.

BY JOSH BILLINGS.

The gassy man iz a kind ov itinerant soda fountain, a sort ov hi-press-ure reservoi ov soap-suds, who spouts bubbles and foam whenever he opens hiz mouth. Theze quacks in the small beer line hav but phew branes, but their branes are like yeast—they kant rize without running over everything. I hav known them to argy a point three hours and a half, and never offer one good reason in the whole time. They mistake words for ideas, and their tongues travel tew just about az mutch purpose az a boy’s windmill duz, in the teeth ov a stiff norvggter. .They air the vainest ov all human Usings that hav, yet bio discovered, Slid think, bekauze people kan’t eskape their furious effervescence, they | are pleazed and convinced, i *“T never knu one ov theze windi mills yet but what thought Solomon waz almost an ideot kompared tew them, and 1 never knu one to ever discover hiz mistake. Yu mite az well undertake tew git the pride out ov a pekoek’s tail, bi j laffin at it, az to convinse theze phelI lows that what they say ain't either wit or wisdum The gassy man iz not bi enny means a bad man at heart; he iz often az good natured az he iz phoolish; but hiz friendship ain’t worth mutch more tetryu than the luv ov a lost pup, who iz reddy tew phollow enny one off who will pat him on ; the back. TIIE SHARP MAN. The sharp man iz often mistaken for the wlze one, but he iz just az different from a wize one az he iz from an honest one. He trusts tew hiz cunning for suckcess, and this iz the next thing to being a rogue. The sharp man iz like a razor—generally too sharp for enny thing but a shave. j Theze men are not to be trusted they are so constituted that they must cheat sumboddy, and, rather than be idle and lose a good job, they will pitch on to their best friends. They aie not exaeklv outkasts, but liv cluss on the borders ov criminalj ity, and are liable tew step over at enny time ,™»- It is but a step from cunning tew raskality and it iz a stepj that iz alwuss inviting to take. Sharp men lxav but phew friends and seldom a konfident. They hav learnt to fear treachery by studying their own nature. They are alwuss bizzy, but like the hornet, want a heap of sharp watching. The sharp man iz alwuss a vain One. He prides himself upon his cunning, and would rather do a shrewd thing than a kind one.