Rensselaer Republican, Volume 25, Number 6, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 6 October 1892 — CONDIMENTS. [ARTICLE]

CONDIMENTS.

■ Mamma (enthusiastically) How I wish we could afford to send Nellie abroad for a few finishing touches to her musical education ! , Para (no ear for mufieF-Tf7 could buy tbe finish' without the torches, I’d* pawn tbl furniture.—Lippiqcott’a Magazine. Even an all-round man ought to be square in his dealings.—Lowell Courier. The gold cure puts the drinker on bis metal, as it were.—Elmira Gazette. ' .. -• When a man is hopelessly in love it greatly increases his sighs.—Siftings. A man is called a confirmed liar when nothing that be says is confirmed.—Boston Transcript. “ Mamma, ” said little Johnnie, “if I swallowed a thermometer would I die by degrees ? ” —Boston Post. No one can blame the oyster for not showing his appreciation of the fall opening.—Baltimore American. “ Much adue about nothing, ” remarked the summer boarder, when his bill was presented.—Binghampton Republican. _ The mosquito bill is one of the measures which goes into effect immediately after its passage —Union County Standard. They have Kansas. The name may be from tbe fact that the young folks go there to pare.—Texas Siftings. Johnny—l’m reel sick and ma won’t let me go to school. Wallie (with marked envy)—Walr did yon find out wot simtums to have ?" Chicago News Record. Little Johnny thinks it a good deal nicer to be tanned at the seashore than to be tanned at school. —Boston Transcript. “So you saw Charley Smithers yesterday ? ” said one girl “ Yes,” replied the other. “Was he on horseback?” “Y-Yes. A second Dr so at a time. ” —Washington Star. “A man may be drove to drink,” laid Officer "MeCobb, “but to git ’itn iway from it I find he has to be pulled. ” —lndianapolis Journal. From the manner in which Sam* ion’s success depended on his hair, It has been inferred that he was no piano player. Father—No appetite this evening, sh? What is the matter? Late lunch? Little Boy—No, sir; early apples. “I’m in debt. You can’t imagine how it worries me." “That’s nothing. Think of the worrying your zreditors are doing.” - - “Charles is too timid to propose, aud she is too timid to help him on.” “I should think such a timid pair ;ould easily shrink to one."—Harper’s Bazar. . The opening of the reed-bird ses- - us a step nearer to the sov lution of that old problem, the extermination of the English sparrow.

Ethel—Why don’t you put your Dane in the hall rack, dear George? George—l don’t want to "put anything in your father’s way to tempt him. ” Jennie —Do you believe fn fate? Bessie—Yes, but I also believe in giving fate a helping hand by doing a little judicious flirting. Secretary Nibbs— Did you discover any irregularities in the Red Tape Bureau? Inspector Sharp—Yes;four of the employes were hard at work. Mr. Millett—Well, Mrs. Clover, I reckon you saw a heap of the noise and bustle of the city? Mrs. Clover —Yes, there was a good deal of noise, but tbe bustles was sieh little mites that you couldn’t hardly see ’em. — Chicago Inter Ocean. Rowne de Bout—What did your wife say when you got home last night, Cross? Criss Cross—First tell me how much time you have to spare? Rowne de Bout—About ten minutes. Criss Cross—Then I can’t tell you. Penelope—l understand, Mr. Vaykant, that you were tbe famous man of your year. Mr. Vaykant—Yaas. that’s so. Perdita—ln what way? Mr. Vaykant—l was the only fellah who graduated lahst in me class. Mr. Hall B. Roome—Do you buy your sausage by the pound, Mrs. Hamoneg? Mrs. Habaonejj Yes, why? Mr. Hall B. Roome—Nothing; Only 1 would humbly suggest that in future you select a butcher shop a little more remote from that institution.—(Puck. She (letting him dawn easy)—l’m sure, Mr. Hardleigb, that you can find plenty of girls right here who could make you touch happier than I could. He (mournfully) —Yes, but you see that’s just tbe point. I’ve asked ’em all. You are my only chance.

“Her taste in music is improving wonderful,” said one young woman. •‘Why?” replied the other, “she never plays or sings now.” “Yes,” was the rejoinder, “that is how I know.”—Washington Post. She—What is that awful noise? He—Guess it’s the clambake over on the island. She—Poor thing! How the clamq must be tortured to make them screech like that.” “They say' he is a literary man, and perhaps he is. He talks rapidly but, upon my word, I can't make bead nor tail of what be talks about." “Hal Perhaps he is a magazine poet.” Eve—Addy, my dear, I'm going shopping this morning. Gan you let me have a hundred dollars? Adam —Great heavens, Eve! You seem to believe the report that I'm made of dust!—Harper's Bazar. Jasppr—Though he is a boozer he is a very clever talker.” Jumpuppe —His favorite subjects seem very dry to me. Jasper—Certainly. That is where his cleverness comes in. He brings up subjects that will suggest drinks. • Don't you think Mr. Twiddles is very absent minded?” said a young woman. “No," replied Miss Pepperton. "He displays admirable h **‘- SjSS tet"£.“ coll ““* 1