Rensselaer Republican, Volume 24, Number 29, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 17 March 1892 — CONDIMENTS. [ARTICLE]

CONDIMENTS.

Men of positive convictions—Statl prison inmates. Men who lay wagers hatch disappointments. The dressmaker deals in figures rather than facts. Half a loaf is better than a railroad sandwich. One of the hardest lines of duty to a woman is the clothes line. A clever woman listens to compli. There is always a hand of welcome ready to be offered to the strange umbrella. out the man whose dognever wants to follow him —[Ram’s Horn. When you are betting on an absolutely sure thing save out five cents for car-fare home. A Strong Witness.—Judge-“Have you any witnesses for yourself?” Prisoner—“ Yes, sor, meself.” > When you open a window on the railway train tne first thing to catCa your eye~is a cinderr-r Electricity isGa great educator. Think what it has done to make men see things in a new light. A Boston dancing teacher had made an assignment. IJe should know how to meet reverses. My son, do not put your into a general conversation of sensible people, unless you have a good skull. Wales now styles himself “Edward VII.” His elevation to the throne would perhaps be styled “VII.-up.” Perverse Woman. —The girl who “wouldn’t marry the best on earth” generally marries one of the worst. Cowper says: “Bovs are at best but pretty buds unblown.” When the boys begin to blossom they ard rum fellows. Greenland has no cats. How thankful the Greenlanders should be. Imagine cats in a country where the nights are six months long. It’s mighty hard to know sometimes what to do in this world. A pretty girl is Draised, but a young man is blamed, fdr being fresh. “Wasn’t it awful? She married a poor dry goods clerkl” “Yes; but just think how handy he will be to send down town to match goods!” “Do you find it hard work to pass the weary hours?” “There aint none of ’em weary enough for me to pass ’em.” rejoined Mr. Hungry Higgins. —lndianapolis Journal. Philosophy is a great help to a man in time of trouble, but it is an asset that his creditors don’t value, no matter how much they may need some of it. He Was in a Hurry.—Patsey McKenna (in an electric, which has broken down) —“Well, av this car don’t be after moving soon, oi’ll talce the one behoint.” Miss Von Gimp —“I would’t marry the best, man living.” Dr. Perkins — “No —ah —er —perhaps not, bnt —er —that is really no obstacle to your marriage with. me. ” • . . V~: '7 I cannot sing the old songs I sang a -while ago, For If I do the ‘other-guests Quickly get up and go. -T" ' •

There was once a maid in Hoboken, Who gave her botrothed as a token, Some cabbage bananas Wf; -ishe said were ‘'Havanas;”— The engagement that was now .is broken. ! —New York World. “Young Gonbrook strikes me as rather an agreeable young man. " “Wait till he gets a. little better acquainted with you, and he’ll strike you as he does me—for an X.” Mudge—“What a parodox woman is 1” Wickwire — ‘ ‘Yon—don’t —say?” Mudge—“Consider her foot, for instance. The larger it is, the less it appears. ” —lndianapolis Journal “I do wish,” said Rastus, scratching his head, thoughtfully, “I do wish dat wizzard Edison would invent a sort o’ cow-catcher fo 1 de rear eend of dem animiles called de mule.” — Harper’s Bazar. “So you want to go before the footlights?” said the manager, grimly. “Yes,” said thfe'aspiring youth. “Well, you want to be quick, then,” said the manager. “I’m pretty quick With my foot.” “As you make your bed you must lie in it,” said the politician to the candidate, “That’s all right” replied the candidate. “Don't let that worry you. You do the making and I’ll attend to the lying.” Intuition. —Fangle—“What sort of a dress was that Mrs. Snooper wore to-night?” Mrs. Fangle—“Demitrain.” “That's precisely what Oumso said when he trod on it, but how did he know its name?” Hotel Clerk —“Is thiß thousanddollar bill the smallest thing you have about yoil?” Departing Guest —*T am afraid it, is.” Clerk (to bell boy) —“Here, take this bill out to one of the waiters and ask him to change it. ”

Creditor. —“It’s no wonder I can’t find you at home when you are here all the time in the saloon' drinking.” Debtor —“Don’t you see that the reason I drink is out of sheer despair at not being able to pay you^’•. Smith —Did you reply ti) one of those personal advertisements? Brown — Yes, I once answered one from a lady who pined for congenial companionship. Smith —With what result? Brown—She turned “out to b§ Mrs. Brown. After the Quarrdl. —He —Maud, I should like to walk home with you, tj if you will let me. She (coolly)—' You may, if papa gives his permission. He—All right. I’ll ask him. Where is he? She—He went to Chicago last pight.— Harper’s Ba*ar..