Rensselaer Republican, Volume 24, Number 8, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 22 October 1891 — CONDIMENTS. [ARTICLE]

CONDIMENTS.

"Two hearts that beat ss one— Wk A heavy step—a scare— And whetj her pa arrived One heart alone was there.” A Sign of Her Nativity.—Clara—“Have you any idea where Miss Painter comes from?” Mr. Lookout, who he«. observed her complexion—- “ Baton Rouge, I fancy.” A Correction —‘ T bear that Dnfferly has been thrown on his own resources, lately.” “H’m! I guess you mean that he's been' thrown on the resources of his friends.” Mother—‘ ’Effie, did I not send you out to look for eggs?” Effie I —“Yes r mamma, but when I did go out I found all the hens standing around doing nothing.” The man who makes the funniest speech at the stag dinner and keeps ail the boys in a roar oTlaughter frequently has nothing to say when he goes home to his wife. Haw! Haw!— "That was an appropriate bit of music they had at the cattlemen’s annual dinner. ” ‘ ‘What was it?” “The band played Beethoven’s conqerto in Gee. ’ ’ —Harper’s Bazar?

A Natural Precaution.—St. Peter —“Where are you from?” Applicant—" New York; can I come in?” St. Peter —“I suppose you’ll have to, let me get you the door mat.” “You say the chicken soup isn’t good? Why, 1 told the cook how to make it. Perhaps she didn’t catch the idea.” Boarder—“No; I think it was the chicken she didn’t catch.” Two Wishes. —Winkle— “I wish I could devise some way of hanging up my clothes.” Nodd—“l wish I could devise some way of getting them out after I have hung them up.” —Me.—Hardup— l ‘ Why--didn't you send that tea and sugar and things I ordered yesterday?” 1 - Polite Tradesman—“ Well, sir. I find there is a slight honorarium due on the last three consignments. ” —Restaurant Keeper—“lt poured torrents at midday.” His Wife—“l suppose it affected trade somewhat!” Restaurant Keeper —“It did worse. It compelled me to lunch with the customers.”—Harper's Bazar. A Spinster Disillusioned.—She—"What do you mean, sir, by asking a young girl like me to marry you, who are old enough to be my father?” He —“SopKonisba, do I really look like a centenarian?” Johnnie gives away a family secret —Mr. Hankinson (desirous of making a present)—“Johnny, when is your sister’s birthday?” Johnny—- " Huh! She quit havin’ birthdays long go.” ’ . Eogg—"Oh. you are too hard on I'limsley. He has his faults, but there,is one good thing about him.” Brown—“ And pray what is that?” Fogg—“He—ur —I can’t remember it just at this moment.” “And you rejected him?” “I did.” “He has the reputation of being a 'arge-hearted m an. ’' "• That’s the trouble with him. He is too largeheatted. Becan love half a dozen ivomen at the same time.” ' “Dobb, of the academy, is a great Stickler for the proprieties, ’’said Sintere at the studio. “Why, when he painted his famous marine, “The Dying Whale,” he did the whale in »il and the sea in water colors.”

I have been particular in giving ■ ay meat order,” said the guest, “beI jausel have a good deal at steak.” I *‘Your remarks, sir,” replied thedignified waiter; moving leisurely away to give the order, “are entitled to a , great deal of wait. ’’ Antique Young Lady—“ You see, my deaf count, I often sit under this spreading oak on warm evenings and .■(ompose my brightest songs to the rustling of the leaves. It is mv favorite spot in the whole park.” Count—“Ah’ I understand; probably mademoiselle planted the oak herself.”