Rensselaer Republican, Volume 24, Number 6, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 8 October 1891 — THE DISTRIKT SKOOLMASTER. [ARTICLE]

THE DISTRIKT SKOOLMASTER.

BY JOSII BILLINGS.

N, Y, Weekly. Thare iz one man in this basement world that i al wus look upon with mixt pheelings ov pity and'respekt. Pity ann respekt, as a general mixtur, don't mix Well. You will find them both traveling ! around amungst folks, but not grow- \ ing on the same bush. When they do hug each other they mean some thing— Pitty, without respekt, hain’tgot much more oats in it than disgqst I haz. I had rather a man would hit me J on the side ov the bed than tew pitty i me. But thare iz one man in this world to whom I alwus take oph mi hat, ■ and remain uncovered until he gits I safely by, and that iz the distrikt j skoolmaster. When I meet him I look upon him az a martyr just returning from the stake, or on hiz way thare tew be cookedHe leads a more lonesome and rsingle life<than an old bachelor, and a more anxious one than an old maid. He is remembered jist about as long and affektionately az a gideboard is by a traveling pack pedlar. If he undertakes tew make his skollarsTuv him. the chances are lie will ueglekt them larning; and if he don't lick them now and then pretty i often, they will soon lick him. The distrikt skoolmaster hain’tgot a friend on the flat side ov earth. The boys snowball him during recess; the girls put water in his hair die; and the skbol committee make him work for haff the money a bartenuer gits, and board him around the naberhood, whare they give him rye coffee, sweetened with molassis, tew drink, and kodjfish bawls 3 times a day foi'-vittles^—‘ And, with all tms abuse, I neve ~ ov~a7"TMstrikt " skooTrnhsteF s wealing entfy thing louder than— Condem it. Don't talk* tew me about the pashunce ov anshunt Job. Job had pretty plenty ov biles all over him, no doubt, but they were all ov one breed. Every yung one ta a distrikt skool iz a bile ov a. diffrent breed, and each one needs a diffirent kind ov poulteiss tew git a good head on it. A distrikt skoolmaster. who duz a square job, and takes hiz codfish bawls reverently, iz a better man today tew hav lieing around loose than Soklman would be arrayed in all ov hiz glory. Soloman waz better at writing proverbs and manageing a large family, than he would be tew navigate a distrikt skoal hous. Enny man who haz kept a distrikt skool for ten years, and boarded around the naberhood, ought tew be made a mager gineral, and hav a penshun for the rest ov biz natral days, and a hoss and waggin tew do hiz going around in. But, a? a general consequence, a distrikt skoolmaster hain’t got any more warm friends than an old blind fox houn haz. • ——" He iz jist about az welkum az a tax gatherer iz. He is respekted a good deal az a man iz whom we owe a debt ov 50 dollars to and don’t mean tew pay. He goes through life on a back road, az poor az a wood sled, and finally iz missed —but what ever bekum ov hiz remains, i kan’t tell. Fortunately he iz not often a senmore keep a distrikt skool than hq could file a kross-kut saw. Whi iz it that theze men and wimmen, who pashuntly and with crazed brain teach our remorseless brats the tejus moaning ov the alphabet, wlio take the fust welding heat <nr their destinys, who lay the stepping stones and enkurrage them tew mount upward, who hav dun more hard and mean work than ennyklass on the futstool, who have prayed over the reprobate, strengthened the timid, restrained the outrageous,and flattered the imbecile, who hav lived on kodfish and vile coffee, and hain’t been heard to sware—whi iz it that they are treated like a vagrant fiddler. danced to for a night, paid oph in the morning, and eagerly forgotten? I had rather burn a coal jjit, or keep the flys ov a butcher’s shop in the month ov August, than meddle with thedistrikt skool bizzness.