Rensselaer Republican, Volume 23, Number 47, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 23 July 1891 — Page 6

THE LADY CASHIER.

Frost Charotte, Translated for the Epoch. Yes, sir, you may, by inspecting the time-sheet in my office, see that for 20 years I have never been one minute late, and yet I say and be lieve thatjpunctuality is'an execrable vice. Who does not dispise the man who always arrives exactly on time, appearing’ just, when one is trying to finish some occupation, and watch in hand, saying blandly, “Am I not punctual?" Yes, sir, after serving as a regulator for all the clocks in my neighborhood for 20 years, I repeat, punctuality is execrable. lam cured of it, for it was* the cause of the greatest dissapointment of my life. Listeri, and judge for jrourscl f. For seven long years I had breakfasted at the same restaurant; every morning at exactly five minutes past 11 I opened the door, and at precisely five minutes before noon I clewed it It is useless to describe the lady cashier; suffice it to say that from the instant I tasted my first cup of coffee in that restaurant she reigned in my heart. Did my glances express my feelings? I cannot say, but I know that for seven years we loved in silence. It took just that length of time for me to get near enough to speak to, her. as I had to work my way from' table No. 7, which I first occupied, up to tabic No. 1, which stood next to the cashier's desk. Iwas to punctual to arrive an instant earlier at the restaurant than the six other guests, and as they were as exact as I, I was obliged to employ strategy in order to dislodge them. The first man, at table No. 6, was easily disposed of. While waiting to be served I amused myself in cutting corks, and the sound set his teeth on edge and annoyed him so much that he went into tho next room, and I took liis place. : " Six months after, chanee came to my sad and relieved me of No. 5. A waiter broke a goblet and spilt coffee On the table, and the occupant being superstitious insisted on changing his seat, so I moved up again. In the course of my next two meals 1 -succeeded in making myself obnoxious to No. 4, who had a habit of taking a little nap immediately after his breakfast. I contrived, by tilting my chair, to knock him repeatedly, so that at last he got up and left ia a fury. No. 3 held out only one day against me. I made bread and butter black with caviaro and soaked it in my uoffee, and the sight of the mess made my neighbor so sick that he fled precipitately and had hardly time to get out of the room. Then I sat next to No. 2. Ah! I shall never forget that man. It took me four years to get rid of him, and but for the encouraging glances of my angel I should have given up in despair. Perhaps you wonder vrtiy I •did not come to breakfast two hours earlier, when I would have had ray choice of tables. That would have been a simple matter to most meD, but I could not breaky my rules. I was a victim to the folly of punctuality. , J .. ' ... zL,

To return to No. 2. I tried corkcutting, putting caviare in my coffee and dancing about in my chair, but all in vain. Then I discovered ♦bat the man was stone deaf, beside being blind in one eye. I decided, therefore, to attack him through his pocket, and accordingly I made a practice of surreptitiously putting cups, glasses and decanters close to liis elbow, on the blind side, and he invariably knocked them down and had to pay damages. Every day there was a heap of broken glass and ■china on the floor between us, and every day he paid the cost uncomplainingly. The restaurant keeper profited largely by these accidents, tor he had the afflicted guest served with cracked and broken ware, and charged him with the price of new on its being demolished. At the end of four years No. 2 had destroyed as much tableware as would sufftce to set up in housekeeping all the savages of Oceanica, those people who have so few luxuries that one pair of f loves will make clothes for ten men. 'oor No. 2! I pity him now, for I have learned that the reason he clung to his post so pertinaciously was that he too adored the ladv cashier. I had no mercy on him. However, and being at the end of mv resources, had resolved tar put the police on his j track, when he was one day knocked down and killed by one *of those butcher's wagons which arc allowed, I know not why, to rush through Paris streets at full speed. The next rhornln g I seated myself at table No. 2 where, although not quite within the Promised Land, I enjoyed its delicious fragrance. I breathed the odor of tbeorange-flower water which she poured into the hideous little onion shaped bottles. Only one obstacle now seperated •me trom her, my beloved. It was No. .1. I determined to crush him. and from that day war was declared between us. 'He was a terrible man, formerly a captain of gendarmes, strong as a Turk, with heavy moustache and beard. There was a certain amount of gallantry and sentiment,, however, under his rough exterior, for he used to fix his great eyes a pan theladvcashier.and repeat Imur after hour, these words: “I am like the ivy; I die where I attach mv «eK.” The prospect did not consider r.i In the least, for he looked as if h would live to be a hundred. J tried to wifi the monster by relating amus jug tales and making puhs, but he suddenly dampened my ador by say lag, as he twisted bis moustache qneroeiy: “Are you aware air* ( that it was

owing to his wasting time in making] puns that Grouchey arrived too late at Waterloo?” This piece of historical information astonished me not a little, and I felt that if France could mislay her Code for 24 hours I would joyfully stab the terrible captian —in the baek. At last Heaven took pity on me and my love and sept an epidemic sickness which earned off my rival. Immediately I installed myself at table No. X. I was next to her! I contemplated her charming figure above the desk, her blonde hair, her rose bud mouth! Seven years had indeed made some alterations in her charm, but I saw her only with the eye of —that first cup of coffee. I cannot describe our mutual emotious at that moment so long waited for; joy nearly suffocated us and turned our brains; I dipped my napkin into the decanter and poured coffee into my pocketbook, while she piled up sous on plates and dropped lumps of sugar into the money drawer. Only a few words were needed to bind ue to each other, and no one else in the room suspected anything, when, as fectiug to be reading the latter's name inside my hat, I murmured from the depths of the lining: “I love thee." She, while apparently busy in drying a punch-bowl, replied: • *1 love thee. ” “Be my wife!" I added; to-morrow, at my not a rv's atthir t v -fi ve minutes past nine.” ' That was the exact hour at which I always went to my chiropodist, but love prompted the sacrifice. The next morning at the minute agreed on I was with my notary, and while he prepared the papers I tried to describe my beloved. “You will see her!” I cried in ectasy, “she is blonde, slender, beautiful -she has the hand of a queen and the throat of a goddess! For seven long years I have loved her.” Suddenly the notary asked in a careless tone: “Is she shorter tall?' 1 Shis simple question overwhelmed me, and I could only answer: “I do not know.” “What!” he exclaimed, “you have loved her for sev6n years and you do flQl_know whether she is short oi tall?” “It is the solemn truth. I have never seen her except in the restau rant; I am so exact and punctual that I have never been able to devote any time to her except my breakfast hour, that is, from 11:5 to 11:55, an< all that time she is seated behind a desk, so that I have never seen lower than her waist. ” As I finished speaking, the doo> opened end my bride appeared With a cry of dismay I felt uncon scious. The beloved of my heart the angel of my dreams, was the possessor of two wooden legs!

CONDIMENTS.

It never does anybody any good tc give away rotten apples. Walking the plank is not the same as making a board walk, A grocer calls his new brand ol coffee “Greditor-s Delight.'’ It set ties promptly. She —Is Jack trying for the chorus" He —Well, he must be if they arc at all sensitive. “Ha! That’s the ‘stuff’ ’’ said the Minneapolis baldhead, gazing at thi the ballet-girls’ limbs. “Who was the author of the say iug, ‘There is always room at thi top ?’ ” ‘ ‘The hotel clerk,,. I. believe.' We are told that some day the lioi and the lamb will lie down together but at this season it is the butchei who is doing the most lying abou the iamb. ‘’Where is the quartermaaster o this car?” shouted the army officer, and the porter knocked over thre< umbrellas and broke two windows ii his anxiety to respond. If everybody improved the rain utes with the zeal that a hen put iuto her work while making ; surreptitious five-minute call in ; flower-garden, what a world thi would be! First Wretch—How's your wife old man? Second Wretch —Splendid Bad cold; can’t speak above a whis per. Nut An Extract Race —Suuda; , S •iiool Teacher —Johnny, who wa ! the prodigal son? Johnny —Oh, thi: was the fellow who went away a dud and came back a tramp.

THE BEST WE CAN.

When tilings don't go to suit us, Why should we fold our hands. And say, "No use in trying. Fate baffles all our plans.” Let not your courage falter. Keep faith in Ood and man. And to this thought be steadfast - "I'll do the best I can.” If clouds blot out the sunshine Along the way you tread. Don't grieve in hopeless fashion j And sigh for brightness Bed. Beyond the clouds the sosPght Shines in the Eternal Plan; Trust that the tray will brighten. And do the best you can. Away with rain repiningg; Sing songs of hope and cheer. Fttl many a weary, ootnrade Qrovrs strong of heart to hear. - He who sings orer trouble Is aye the wisestunaa, He can’t help what has happened. Bat—does the best he can. i 80, if things won’t go to suit us. , Let's never fume and fret, For finding fault with fortune ..J Ne’er mended matters yet: , Make the best of happens: ) > Bear failure Uke a man; j~ r stuitii gvwuur gvnT»f|une " | Dr just the best you can. r , —New Vork Ledger,

WISHES HE WERE A BOY AGAIN. From Indianapolis Hoosier 1. Vx. Bonus, remembering the jojrs of bis youthful Fourths as July, visiles he were a boy again, ~-v —’ , , —-w . ■ '• - • ’ x-T r 1 — - r • ' - 11. He resolves to- become a boy once more and purenase* a number of cannon crackers and a sky rocket.

THE MAIDS IN THE BOXES. They think the ballet very bad And hardly look upon it, But let them hear some gossip Gad! They'll take an hour to con it. WHAT WE ARE COMING TO. Captain (after the wreck—“ We are saved ! We are saved! ” Survivors (excitedly)—“ O, have you found your bearings ?” . I can smell New York.” HE was an absent minded man Indeed who, writing to the postmaster. hesitated in directing the etter because he bad forgotten on vhat street the postoffice was located.

// / y Blocks the Way—The Asphalter. vjr* s The Quick and the Dead—New 1 York and Philadelphia. 1 Necessary to a choice—At least two men at a summer resort. ’ She—“ We don't seem to have so * VinVvS many destructive hail storms this JH summer as we used to have." j —"No. Ice is so very dear, . ; Thereupon he feels hurt in more senses tlu Bat should that prove • i ... r v A faulty move Just let her drop a tear ! co ? c,^ es lh K at u he is a £ood deal more ol a J boy than he thought he was.

Tallyrand’s Table Talk.

There are two things to which we lever grow accustomed—the ravages ■>f time and the injustice of our fellow men. There are many vices which do not deprive us of friends; there are many virteus ' which prevent our having any. In love we grow acquainted, because we are already attached —in friendship we must know each other before we love. Both erudition and agriculture ought to be encouraged by Government; wit and manufactures will come of themselves. The reputation of a man is like his shadow-gigantic when it preceds him and pigmy in its proportions when it follows. - „■ * Chrismatic wranglers are like a child’s top, noisy and agitated when whipped, quiet and motionless when left alone. Unbounded modesty is nothing more than unavowed vanity: the too humble obeisance is sometimes a disguised imperitnence. The errors of great men and the good deeds of reprobate should not pe ireckoned io our estimates-*-tqj C - T respective characters. The thought of death throws upon

HI. He has almost forgotten how the thing Is done, tit feeling hurt at the evident amusement of a crowd / boys he assumes an easy iudificreuee aud lets be rocket off. 11 —■ -

life a lurid glow, resembling that o a conflagration, light up that whicl ‘ s about to devour. There is no great charm in friend ship that there is even a kind o pleasure in acknowledging onesel duped by the sentiment it inspires. To succeed in the world it is mucl mox*e necessary to possess the peno tration to discover who is a fool thai to discover who is a clever man. r ) Our welcome of a stranger depend; upon the name he bears, upon th« coat he wears; our farewell upoi the spirit he displayed in the inter view.

At the Military Ball.

Detroit FroeiPrcss. He —You look so fascinating to night that I expect you will captun everything. The other girls won’; stand any sort of a chance. She —Oh, ve§; I’ll divide with them I'll take the colonels and leave then the shells.

Manifest Aberration.

Puck. First Convict (to his cell mate)An’ yer never elm wed or drank it yer life? ’ Cotivict— an; o’ yer temporary insanity rackets oi me! I ain tno juryman.

THE XOBTGaGE.

H<s bought in tfICS a (arm of stumps and stone? His name was God-Be Glorified, Ids surname 1' * was Jones. i He put a mortfsita on the farm, and then it conscious pride. ••In twenty years I'll pay U up,” said God-Ik Glorified." The mortgage had a hungry miw that swaT lowed corn and wheat. He toiled with patience night and dxy to le' the monster eat. He slowly worked himself to death, and on the calm hillside They laid, beyond the monster's reach, good .God-Be Glorified. And the farm with its incumbrances of mort. gage, stumps and stones, * , It fell to young Melchizidek Paul Adonlrim Jones; Melchizidek was a likely youth, a holy, godly male And he towed to raise that ‘mortgage Kite a noble Puritan. And he went forth every morning to the rug" ged mountain side. And he dug. as dug before him, poor old God-Be ' Glorified. He raised pumpkins and potatoes down the monster's maw to pour; He gulped them down and smacked his jaws, and calmly asked for more. He worked until his back was bent, until his hair was gray— On the hillside through a snowdrift they dug his grave one day! His first-born son, Eliplialet, had no time to weep and brood, For the monster by his doorstep growled perpeutal for his food, ribs with" hay. And he fed him eggs and butter, but he would not go away; And Eliphalet he staggered with the burden and then died And slept with old Melchizedeck and God-Be Glorified. Then the farm it fell to Thomas, and from Thomas fell to John, Then from John to Eleazur, but the mortgage still lived on; Then it fell to Ralph and Peter, Eli, Absalom and Paul; Down through all. the .generations, hut the mortgage killed them all. About a score of years ago the farm came down to Jim— And Jim called in the mortgagee and gave the farm to him. There's nohuman heart so empty that it has no ray of hope. So Jim gave up the ancient farm and jventto making soap. He grew a fifty-millionaire, a bloated, pam, pered nature. He owned ten railroads, twenty mines, and tho whole State legislature; And thousands did his gruff commands and lived upon his bounty; And he came home, bought back the farm, and the enttre county. S. W. Foss in Yankee Blade.

One of Herrmann’s Great Tricks.

Chevalier Herrmann, in F. American Review. People have repeatedly asked me which of my tricks have pleased mo the most, and which I take the most delight in performing. Naturally, the effort that brings the greatest success is regarded by a man as his best. I consider the trick of restoring the shattered mirror as my most famous one. This I had the honor o t performing before the Czar of Russia, upon an invitation to give an exhibition at his court. It was dono unexpectedly to the spectators, and was not down on the regular bill. While playing billiards with tho attaches of the court, after the performance, the Czar being present in the room, I shot a bail, with all my strength, against a plate-glass mirror, extending from floor to ceiling. It was shivered into fifty pieces. Consternation was depicted on every face; on none more plainly than my own. "While the Czar courteously waived my apology, considering the destruction of the mirror as trifling, and ordered the game to proceed, I could easily see that my supposed awkwardness made a disagreeable impression. With the Czar's permission I examined the mirror to estimate the damage done and the possibility of repairing it. While so engaged one of the suite playfully challenged me to exercise iny art and make the mirror whole again, never dreaming that his challenge was the very cue I wanted, arid not considering the successful acceptance of it as possible. I hesitated an instant, and then ordered the mirror to be covered with a cloth entirely concealing it from view. On the removal of the cloth, after ten minutes, the mirror was found without a flaw, and as perfect as before the damage. I will leave it to my reader’s imagination to decide how this trick v/as clone.

If Your Shoes are Wet.

When you come home with wet feet, says the Ladies’ Homo Journal, don’t throw aside your boots to get hard and mouldy. Stand them up, put them in shape, and then fill them with oats, such as tliey feed to horses. This will, in a few hours, draw al the moisture out of the leather, and leaving it soft and pliable. The oats can be used again and again. This is a reliq of the clays when no railroads existed, and traveling was (tom under difficulties, and in weather the present generation has no conception of.

It Costs More, Too.

Lillies Iloriie Journal. The young woman who has a lik ing for the shirt front and cutaway jacket must remember one thing, i. e., that her get-up is never inexpen sive. Her linen must be as immaculate as a my r and she will require at least six shirts to keep herself lcoking well, and of these six, four will have to be at the laundry while a fresh one is on her and another fresh one is reposing at home waiting to be assumed tomorrow. The imitation of tho manly costume is smart to look at. but by no means economical.

A Rabbit In Ice.

A professor of the Paris Academy, dea Sciences lias been making ex per imeuts, which have resulted in con viucing him that the rabbit is ot' all living things the most capable ol withstanding a very low temperature. Inclosed all night in a block of ice i rabbit was found next day getting on very comfortably ana evidently not aware of anything very peculiar in his circumstances. Frog legs are seasonable Th club idea is to broil them in luuia» meai, and to serve them with som< thick sauce-

On the move ——Liver, Stomach, and Bowels, , after Dr. Pierce’s Pleasant Pellets have done their work. It’s a healthy movement, too —a natural one. The organa are not forced into activity one day, to sink back into a worse state the next. They’re cleansed and regulated—mildly and quietly, without wrenching orgriping. One tiny, sugar-coated Pellet is all that’s needed as a gentle laxative; three to four act as a cathartic. They’re the smallest, cheapest, the easiest to take. Sick Headache, Bilious Headache, Constipation, Indigestion, Bilious Attacks, and all derangements of the Liver, Stomach and Bowels are promptly relieved and cured.

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