Rensselaer Republican, Volume 22, Number 48, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 31 July 1890 — COMBING THE COLONEL. [ARTICLE]

COMBING THE COLONEL.

Old John Perdue’s Very Practical Political Joke. Ople P. Re«d in New*Tork World. Simpson County, fcy., was in a great political ferment over the anproachihg erection of a* County Judge. The nominating convention was to meet on Saturday, and on Friday night two well-known politicians caught in a rain-storm stopped at the house of old John Perdue. The politicians, Major Bloodgood and Col. were sly candidates for the ooveted position—so sly, in fact, that neither one knew of the schemes ol the otfi&a, After supper, while old John and his guests were sitting on the porch talking over the coming struggle and listening to a wet katydid that held vesper services in a locust tree, old John, gettingup and stretching himself said to the Major: “Let me see you a moment, please.” The Major followed him to the end of the gallery. “Major,” old John whispered,” “I am compelled to tell you something. You gentlemen are welcome to stay with me as long as you like, but ability to accommodate cannot always be measured by willingness to do so. The truth is, I haven’t but one spare bed.” “But can’t the Colonel and I sleep together?” the Major rejoined. “Yes, you can, but the truth is the Colonel is awfully peculiar.” “How so?” “Well, as rational as he appears while stirring about, he’s a strange man in bed. Our families, you know, are well acquainted, and I therefore know all about him. His peculiarity comes from a scare he received when he was a child. It seems that a dog once tried to bite him; and now, just before he dozes off to sleep, he begins to growl, and, unless something is done to stop him, and he begins to bite fearfully.” “Humph,” the Major grunted, > ‘that’s odd, but what can be done to stop him alter he begins to growl?” “Well, his brother told me how he used to work it. He always toe', a coarse comb to bed with him and would rake the Colonel with it when he began to growl. As strange as it may seem, it was the only thing that would quiet him. The family doctor said that a comb was somehow the only thing that would start the blood circulating,” “That’s very odd. And would it quiet him?” “Would make him act just like a lamb. Why, he uster insist that his brother should take the comb to bed with him. He don’t like for any one to mention the freakish misfortune, as he always terms it, but it would be doing him a great favor if you would take the comb to bed with you and givo him a rake hr should begin to growl. lam telling you this because I am your friend; because I know that you are good timber, and especially because I hope that you may secure his influence if you should ever desire any office. Don’t you know that we always respect the man that understands our peculiarities before we are asked to explain them to him? He is sensitive that way, and if he sees that you understand him he will then know that you have had your eye on him, have held him in your mimd.” ‘ ‘All rijght. You get me the comb and' I will go through the ceremony when the time comes.” “Here’s one; put it in your pocket.” They returned to the Colonel, and after awhile, when the Major stepped into the house to get a drink of water, the old man said: ‘ ’You and the Major are good friends, I am glad to see.” “Yes,” replied the Colonel, “I think he is a first-rate fellow.” ••Glad you like him, for you and he “wlEThaye to sleep together to-night, for the fact is, 1 have only one spare hod.” -T-ZZZi: ■ ' “That will be all right, I reckon,” B&id the Colonel. — l ‘‘Yes, but the truth is the Major Iff tlio most peculiar fellow you ever saw.” “In what way?” “As a bed-fellow. I was very intimate with his family and know all about him. It seems that he had a nervous trouble when hewasaboy, and could not go to sleep until some one growled like a dog. I have known him to lie tossing in bed for hours at a time, and then when I would go to his bed and growl ho would doze oil like a lambi” S

•'I wever before heard of an affliction uo Btrange,” said the Colonel. “I c Jther, but then it is a very easy matter to relieve him. He and a fellow named Buck Johnson were onco opposing candidates for prosecuting attorney. Well, they had to sleep together one night. Buck knew of his peculiar affliction, and shortly after they went to bed Buck began to growl. Tho Major didn’t say anything that night, but next day he withdrew from the race, declaring that ho would not run against so good a man as Buck. ” ♦■You don’t say so!” exclaimed the Colonel. “Yes, I do, and know It to be a fact. I would advise you to humor him in the same way. ” “I’ll do so. ” “Hush, he’s coming back. " ‘.‘We are going to have more rain, I think," said the Major, as he re* earned his seat , “Yes," the Colonel responded, “but I hope that it will not interfere with the convention. If the attendance is large and the prooeodings harmonious, the result will he of great benefit to the county. ” v •“Who do you reckon will be nominated for Judge ?" old John asked. ‘ * Neitfter of the candidates that have been named. We have better timber them any of those fellers." “Well," said the Major, yawning, “ I rqckon we had better go to bed so as to he in trim for the work to-mor-row. ”

“-I will show you the room, ” the old man remarked, aiising. The politicians were shown into ant upper room and the old man, placing; a candle on the mantelpiece, bade them good night and went downstairs.) ■ ‘.‘ What noise was that?”~the-Major’: asked, when the old man had quitted) the room. “ I didn’t hear any noise, ” the Colonel answered. “I did; “it sounded like some one gasping for breath.” He might have heard a noise—might have heard old John struggling to suppress his laughter. ‘ * Suppose we go to bed, ” said the Major. * • All right. You go ahead and I will blow out the candle. ” They talked for some time after lying down, and then after along silence the Colonel uttered a deep growl. JThe Major reached over and gave him a rake with the comb. “What the deuce are you doing? ’*» exclaimed the Colonel, springing up in bed. “What do you mean?” and in' his rage he began to grate his teeth., The Major, supposing that he was getting ready to begin biting, reached over and gave him another rake., “You infernal idiot!” yelled the Colo-) nel, feeling for the Major’s hair, “ift I don’t wool you I’m a shote.” “What are you doing?” howled the* Major. “Let go or I’ll hurt you’.! Quit, I tell you! Haven’t you got any; sense?” The Colonel had found his hair. “I’ll let you know what it-is to rake the life out of me with a cross-cut* saw.” “I was doing it to oblige you, you. confounded wolf! Let go my hair.” “Oblige me? Do you take me for a saw log? Look out! If you hit me again I’ll pull every hair out of your head,” They tumbled out on the floor, rolled over and over and then overturned a tottering old wardrobe that came downj upon them with a crash. The Major swore that he was dead and the Colonel* yelled for a light, but no light came., Had they listened they might have! hoard another noise that sounded as if* some one were breathing hard. The* old men was in the hall, shaking the railing of the stairway. The Major was the first to scramble to his feet. “I will throw you outof this window!” he exclaimed.

"And if I can find my pistol I’ll shoot the top of your head off!” howled the Colonel, This threat so frightened the Major that he gathered up his clothes as best he could and rushed from the room. "Why, what’s the matter?” the old man asked when the Major came down. "Nothing, only I am going away to get a cannon and then come back and blow that fool into eternity. ” "Did he try to bite yob?” "He tried to kill me, that’s what he tried to do.” "Why didn’t you rake him?” "1 did rake him.” "Humph!” grunted the old man, "he must have lost his peculiarity. What, you are not going out in such a night as this?” "Yes, I am, for if I see that fool again I’ll have to cut his throat, Goodbye.” Shortly after the Major left the Colonel came down, “ffhy, look here,” said he, "1 growled ju9tas you told me to do, and I wish I may dio if that fellow didn’t come within one of ripping the life out of me.” * -Mighty sorry to hear it. He must have changed since I knew him so well.” When the convention met next day the Major and the Colonel fought each other so violently that neither of them could win, and at an opportune tjime old John Purdue stepped in and iecelvedthenomlHatthtr - —— ~