Rensselaer Republican, Volume 22, Number 47, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 24 July 1890 — DAVID AND GOLIATH [ARTICLE]

DAVID AND GOLIATH

The Ancient Tragedy as Described By a Reformed Pugilist. Bi'l Nye in Indianapolis News. Pugilists often reform, especially! after they have been sufficiently pun-, ished and pit to sleep. I knew one once who became the teacher of an infant class in Sabbath school. He wasj a great success, and his class the largest and brightest I ever saw in all my Sabbath school experience. I heard him once tell his little boys, the story of David and Goliath. He said: “You know Goliath had put up 1 the dust a long time in the first Philistine National Bank, and kept the offer, good to knock out anybody or. fight to a finish, any terms, with catch-as-catch-can provisions, for gate receipts; loser to gat nuthin’ but a quiet funeral) and a low grave under the daisies. They fit in them days, boys, and these ornamental hippodrome scraps of our time was no good. A roller settled up, his affairs and staid in the ring till' they rung for the undertaker. “Goliath was a blow, but he was the ichampion—hftßgywftight., and so they, run it into politics, and made it Goliath and his gang ag’in the Israelites., It was a queer case. The papers had> a notice for over a year offering most anything, see? fer a man that’ud clean out Goliath and knock the head off him, but it was no go. The Israelites' did well in trade, but they was peaceable. They could sell goods and kick 1 at a hotel, but they couldn’t fight fer sour apples. “Finally ’long comes little Dave. His father was in the sheep business and Dave had been in the habit of, catching lions by the tails and jerkin” their heads off before breakfast. HeJ also had a fashion of running his hand! down the throat of a royal Bengal ti- ; ger once in awhile and pulling out his !or her choicest alimentary while you, could say scat. ‘Lions killed and) dressed while you wait,’ was his advertisement. ‘So he came out on the grounds and says, ‘Bovs it’s about time to play ball. We’ve stood about enough of this newspaper talk and inexpensivei wind. I am a little feller and I ain’t , ashamed. And now if you will aid' I me by your applause you will see one ; of the best fights yon ever saw.’ | “With that Goliath, .a big, coarse | feller with whiskers like a load of hay, sails out and laughs a long, coarse, Norman laugh that shakes the winders in the Court House and says, *O, I mamma! Look at his kidlots! Shall we spank him, gents, and send him back to the primary school or feed him to the coyotes?’ “Dave says. ‘Goli, I ain’t no match fer you in size, but you are a Universalist and I’m puttin’ my belief agin’ yourn this day. If I put you to sleep, we gather in your oamp and pile up the back charges on your pension roll. If you do me up, you get indorsement from foreign powers and have fun with the Israelites. And now, when you’re ready, say so, you low, coarse thing, fut up your dooks,’ sez he, •and damaged be him that first hollers enough!’ ne sez, coatin’ from Shakespeare, for Daye was a great reader, and could coat from all the poets for hours at a time, whereas Goli was a chump, besides bein’ a free thinker. “Well, time was called. Tbeyi blowed on some sackbuts, and suchl things and in they sailed. Before! . Goli could get his bread hooks on, Dave the thing was over, Dave jerked' a rock at him and it clove his skull, as the Bible goes on to state. Sevorai of his favorite brains oozed out and, left him nothing to think with. See?i “So down wept Goliath to the bottom of the wall, as the poet gets it off, and Dave takes his pelt home to show that he’s the lalla, you bet you, and he got the stake.. Also the tenderloin and a little of the dark meat, and he prospered till the cows come home, and Dave could -have been County Clerk if he’d of just said the wqrd.” Thunder-Storm Lore. Cincinnati Enquirer. If you can count three slowly—fthat is, one copnt to the second —betweea the flash of lightning and the peel of thunder, you may know that destruction has not been wrought in your, locality. The flash and the crash are really simultaneous, only the light of the former travels much more swiftly'’ than the sound of the latter. If it' takes three seconds for the noise of the thunder to reach you, then the storm is 3,270 feet, twh-Lhirda of,a mile 'away. But When the flash and; the peal oome close together, then shake yourself to see if you am hit