Rensselaer Republican, Volume 22, Number 47, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 24 July 1890 — OCR PLEASURE CLUB. [ARTICLE]

OCR PLEASURE CLUB.

A BAD TEAR FOR HELP. Detroit Free Press. A few miles below Greenville, Ala., we found a colored farmer who employed considerable colored help, and he took us over the plantation and explained his system of working. While we were at the meat house a colored woman came to draw, some bacon. For scales the man had a stick in a balance, with Cat boards at either end. He put a stone on one board and the meat on the other, and cut from the meat until he got an even tip. “How much meat did you give her?” was asked as she vent away. “Fo’ pounds, sah.” “But that stone weighs over four pounds,” “Dat’s what I estimate on, sah, I didn’t dun weight it, but I jess reckoned she was a ieetle short of fo’ pounds.” One of the gentlemen had a pocket balance with him. and when the stone was held up it pulled down exactly five pounds. “Lands o’ massy, but no wonder dese yere niggers been giitin’ lazy!” gasped the man. “I has dun been cheated outer mo’ dan a hundred pounds o’ mSat by dat stone,!” “You’ll have to charge it up.” “Dey wouldn't stand dat, boss, but I shan’t lose anything. Ize already •dun toled my gang dat dere was only forty-eight Sundays and no Fo’th o’ July in diß y’nr, an’so I’ll git five extra days* work outer ’em. Now I’ll dun heave dat rock away an’ work in a three pound one.”

WHY HE BROKE TIIE ENGAGEMENT. She wore a sai’or hat— I should not hare minded that, ■ Nor her patent-leather shoe and gaitcrette; But I saw her on Broadway - Only just the other day, And I thought it was her brother that I met. Tor she had a flannel shirt And, what most my feelings hurt, A pieadilly collar and a Me, A double-breasted saeque. with two buttons on the back, ■ And a blooming English eye-glassfn her eye. —K. M.. in Judge. HANDY WITH THE SHEARS. Tall Boy—Hello, kid. - who cut yer hair? Short Boy—My father cut it. Tall Boy—Hah! Yer father a barber? Short Boy—Naw; he's a editor. NOT TO BE CAUGHT WITn CHAFF. My love, you are bpaii iful. said be, Beauty is but skin deep, said she. My love Is boundless for you, said he, Love will not boil tbe pot. said she. Ah! if you would share my lot. aighed he. Pray, what is the sue of your lot ? asked she. Love makes the world go round, said he. But money cau do it much better, said she. -Bostqa Courier. IN THE MINOR. New York Weeky. Mr. Sealove (at- his sea-shore cottage)—“My dear, please tell your daughter to sing something less doleful.” Mrs. Sealove—“That is not our daughter, my love. That is the foghorn.” J

A MODERN PRODIGAL. His wild oats sown, his money spent, Conn Vivial ceased to laugh— Back to his father's home he humbly went To eat ;he fatted calf. His daddy saw him, as he climbed the bill, But bolted every door, Then cried: “You’ll get of calf ymr fill When you’ve been cowed some moie.” —Erratic Enrique. HE FOUND THE SCHOOLMASTER. New York Sun. We were sitting on the veranda of a hotel at Niagara Falls, when I noticed the man on my right looking sharply at the man on my left,and presently be got up in an excited way and walked about. After a bit he halted before the other man and asked: “Isn’t your name Graham?” “Yes. sir,” was the prompt reply. “Didn’t you used to teach school at Elmira?” “Yes, sir.” ‘'ln 1863 P” “Yes, sir.” , “Do you remember a boy named Godkiu?” “Very distinctly, sir.”* “Do you remember that he put a package of firecrackers under his desk and touched them off?” “As if it happened only yesterday.” “And you basted him for it?” “I did. I licked him until he could hardly stand, and I’ve always been glad of it.” vYou have, eh,” said the other, breathing fast and hard. « “Do you know that tha\ boy swore a terrible oath?” “I presume he did, as he was a thorough young villian,” “He swore an oath that he would grow up and, hunt for you and pound you within an inch of your life." “But I haven’t beard from him yet.” “Yog hear from him now! He stands before you! lam that boy!" “Well?” “Prepare to be lickeu! Iffy time has some at last!” He made a dive for the old peda-

goguc, bnt the latter evaded him, made a huli-tum and hit him dn the jaw, and God kin went over a chair in a heap, then the whilom schoolmaster piled on to him and licked him until he cried “Enough,” and it didn’t take him over three minutes to do it. Then he retired to get-on another collar and replace some buttons, and I helped Godkin up and observed: “You didn't wait quite long enough, I guess.” “Say! That’s where I made a miscue!” he replied. “I see now that I ought to have held off until he had got \ r about 150 years old. The old Is all of 70 now, but he lick * right off the reel, and I’ll never nave the sand to stand up to him again. Here’s thirty years of waiting for vengeance knocked into a cocked hat in three minutes!” O!” hear the graduate exclaim, . “ What is the use of all my Greek ? » Jumping from bridges leads to Shooting the rapids wins a name, Fate la the only thing to blame; O, that I had been a freak?” * —Philadelphia Press. • ~ ■ A SHUT THAT KICKED. Life. He—l have never yet met the woman I thought I could marry. She—No, they are very hard to please as a rule.

KIS HONOR WAS UNTOUCHED. Puck. “Good morning. Judge. How is your Honor this morning ?” “My honor is safe, but my digestion is very weak. ” POOR. BUT HONEST. American Grocer. “It’s not my fault, ” observed the struggling butcher, as he weighed twelve ounces of bone to the two pounds of steak, “if I can’t make both ends meat. ” A MITIGATING CIRCUMSTANCE. Judge a Were you ever arrested before? Sam Johnsing—No. Boss, I nebber wuz. Ebery time I has been errested de policeman grabbed me by de neck from behind.

NOT HOMESICK. Texas Siftings. ' • There are some feelings, innocent enough in themselves, which, nevertheless, a man does not like to express in so many words. If he must acknowledge them, he prefers to do it indirectly, not taking * straight course, but, afi the old saying.is, going “round Robin Hood’s barn." The captain of Company G, Twelfth Vermont Regiment, was strolling in the woods just out of camp, says a writer in the. Salem Witch, when he came upon a member of his company sitting on the stump of a tree, and iookmg as though he had fought his last'tight. “What’s the matter, Bill?" said the captain. •■Oh, nothing, *’ was the reply. “I am all right. ” •‘You look as though you had q St of homesickness. ” ••No, sir, ” said Bill with some resentmenti “ nothing of the sort. ” ' Well, what are you thinking about ?*’ asked his questioner. "I was thinking. ” said the Vermonter. “that I wished I was in my father’s barn. ” '•ln joey father’s ham! What on earth would you do if you were in the barn ?’.’ The poor fellow uttered a longdrawn sigh, and said: “I'd go into the house mighty quick 1”

a stranger’s bluff. . There were a dozen of us in a smoking car on the Lake Erie and Western during the closing days of the last Presidential campaign, and, of course, we compared notes. 7 “Gentlemen,” said a New Jersey banker, “I’ll bet $20,000 on Harrison. ” ••Right now?” asked a man who came forward all of a sudden, having an old carpetbag in his hand. “Y-yes, sir. ” ‘,‘P. y. w., which means produce your wad, ” said the stranger; and opening his carpetbag he took out a roll of bills as big as your leg.” “That is, I will bet $20,000 that he' gets the popular vote, ” stammered the banker. “C. d. w. t. r., which means come down with the rhino, ” replied the stranger, as be fished for bis boodle again. “ I-I haven’t got $20,000 with me r but I-Pll see you later. ” “Exactly. Any of the rest of you gentlemen anything to Say ?” “ I bank od Cleveland,” remarked one. “H. m. d. y. b., which means how much do you bank P” asked the stranger, as he waved his wad on high. “Ob, I don’t care to hot.” “Does any one else ?” No one did, and he took up his carj.- ibag and retreated into the next car. i found him there an hour later, and asked: ' “ Were you betting or bluffing ?” Here’s the roll and you can judge for yourself, 11 he replied as he took it out. > .. ' Pm telling you straight when I say that he had S2B in bills wrapped around an old piece of canvas; not a dollar more. •‘ I hain t got no aristocratic blood In me,” he said as he put the roll away again, “and T hain’t purty nor smart. For thesd reasons I ginerally travel with an effset, which the. same is this: ‘C. a. s. m.’ which means come and see me with, anything in the shape of a beM’