Rensselaer Republican, Volume 22, Number 45, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 10 July 1890 — OUR PLEASURE CLUB. [ARTICLE]

OUR PLEASURE CLUB.

Practical Advice. Be (breed and selfish as you can; You'll net be poor. Be nothing un o any man. And cleae your door' r , To those who call on you for aid; _■ Turn them away— They are no good—their play is played— They've had their day. Get all you- can, and all you get Securely keep; And when at last you die, you bet, No one will weep. The Rational Falling. Jackson—l’m going to start a newspaper and I think I’ll call it the “Umbrella. 11 Merritt- -Why? Jackson—Because everybody who sees it will take it. Merritt—Yes, people would take it but they wouldn't pay for it.

The Want Supplied. Poet—l have here some verses I would like to submit. They are not perfect, I admit; perhaps they want fire Editor—You are quite right, sir, fire is what they want. A Fesalmiatlo Wail. Where are the pleasures and pastime of youth. With innocent nit’a merry flashes ? Where are the bopea that ne'er grew into truth? :: ~ : Ashes. Where is the dinner whose every dish Through memory painfully flashes-! — The steak, and the roast, the potatoes, and fish? Hashes.

Libels in the State. “These newspapers which have so much about feuds iu Kentucky, make me weary, 11 remarked Colonel Blood, •‘Yes, 11 said Mr. Gripsack, tentatively. “Now, I don't think ‘2OO men have been killed in the whole State in 3 yeah. Bah jove, I don’t' Workmen don't have to strike three times to be “out."

Pride of Station. Mr. Forundred (proudly)—Note this magnificent business block. I own every foot of the ground on which it stands, and it is from this that I derive my income. -T~'T Old Gent -Ah, yes; I remember this locality well. It was here your grandfather had his junk shop.- Now York Weekly.

Much Ado About /joining. The man who’s In a fret and stew Is foolish, if he only knew it; Because the less he has to do More apxious he will be to do it. —New York Sun. Bellamy's Mistake, Winks- I see that the publishers of ■ Looking Backward” have made $50,000 on that book, while Bellamy, the author, has made but $5,000. Minks—Well, if Bellamy had looked forward instead of backward, he would have published it himself.—New York Weekly.

Wot to be Wondered At, Mabel—How pale the moon is. Josephus—Yes; it has been out until quite late for several nights,—Yeno. wine News, The Observant Deacon. I’ve notieed, when I pass the phttesrqnndr The eirle look as sweet as sucking doves; I’ve also noticed coppers always fall From hands done up in twenty-shilling gloves. —New York Herald.

Had to be Fast, A. What a wonderful fast horse that Axtel is. B. —Bound to be fast. Just look at the gang at the race track he is obliged to associate with.—Texas Siftings. No Obligations, Man—(to friend) —You didn’t seem to treat that gentleman with politeness. Friend—l spoke rather roughly I .admit. Mau—You have changed toward him. The other day 1 saw you shaking hands with him. Friend—Yes, he owed me then, but he has paid me, consequently you see that I am no longer under obligations to him.—Arkansas Traveler. A Sympathetic. Cuss. “John,” said the dying man, “will you be one of my pall-bearers?” “I shall be only too glad to, old fellow,” replied John, sympathetically,— Harper’s Bazar. Not Hard to Fle&se. Housekeeper (to suspicious character) —What do you want ? Suspicious Character (thoughtfully) —Well, I dunno; what yer got ? Quite a Trip. First N. Dakotan (from near the Manitoba line) —I guess I’ll take in the South till spring sets in for good. Second N. Dakotan—How fur south do you calculate going. First N. Dakotan—Oh—South Dakota ! Here are two sentences, each of which contains all the letters of the alphabet: “John quickly extemporized five tow bags,” and “the quick brown lax jumps over the lazy dog.’* Cbu»d by a Gander. A man who was caught in the act of •kinning a neighbor's sheep covered his embarrassment by declaring that no sheep could bite him and live. The logic of this, says the Youth’s Companion, is equaled by that of the Yankee soldier vi ho once had a narrow escape from an> enraged gander. The men of a certain Maine regiment, which' was in the -enemy’s country in 1812. considered the order

“no foraging" an additional and un-called-for hardship. —----------- One afternoon about dusk a soldier was seen beating a rapid retreat from* the rear of a farm house near by, closejy pursued by a gander, with wings outspread, whose feet seemed scarcely to touch the ground, and from whose beak issued a succession of angry screams. The fugitive was not reassured by the cries of the gander’s owner, 1 ‘Hold on, man, hold on! He won’t hurt you!” “Call off your gander! Call him off! 11 shouted the fleeing soldier. Neither man nor gander stopped until inside the camp lines, when the soldier’s friends relieved him of his fierce pursurer with the aid of the butt of a musket. “Did that gander think he could chase me like that and live?” the soldier exclaimed, as he surveyed the outstretched bird; but he said nothing of the baited hook with cod-line attached, which might have thrown light on the unfortunate gander’s strange actions

Young Smith—• ‘You didn’t stay very long at the Poplars last evening, where you went to see the Pipps girl.” Young Brown—“No, I didn’t. Old Pipps broke in on us and gave me a hint to go.” “What did he say ?” “He opened the outside door, and asked me what I thought of rapid transit.’! _ .. . ; “What did you do ? ” “I gave him an immediate illustration of it.”- -Texas Siftings.

Jimmy Jaysmith (to caller) —“Can you whistle, Mr. Larkin V ” Larkin -“Not verv well, Jimmy. Why?” Jimmy ~“\V ell, I think you had better learn how, for pap told mamma, last night, you'd have to whistle for the hundred dollars he owes you.” James, I am cleaning house, so be a a good fellow and beat the carpet as usual.” “No. I think i’ll shake it this year.” At the Theatre. “Henry, what makes the members of the orchestra go under the stage so often ?” Henry—“To get another horn, I suppose." Customer (in cheap restaurant)— I hope you don’t call this a square meal. Waiter—Well, we’ll call it square when you settle for it.

—Terre Haute Express: A tea-kettle can sing when it is merely filled with water. But man, proud man, is no tea-kettle. Milwaukee Journal: Tho things we think at night would be of great value next day if wo could l only remember them. New York World: Father: “Now tell me. George, how are you getting along lifting the mortgage on your city property?” George: “Well, it’s higher than it was.” His Poem, “Would you mind.” asked the editor in a conciliatory tone, * ‘if I left off the first and last verses of your poem?” “But there are only !wo stanzas in it?” gasped the poet. “Yes. I know,” assented the editor, affably.—Harper’s Bazar.