Rensselaer Republican, Volume 22, Number 42, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 19 June 1890 — Page 3

OUR PLEASURE CLUB.

rU,UJI yon what my brother done*. ■ought a double-barreled gone Apd crouohed behind a pile of rocks. To see if he could shoot a locks. But crouching made his crouchers ache. Until he cried, “far heaven's sache! Are there no fockses?” There was none. My brother traded off nis gone.

ENDING THE WAR. N. Y. Son. As we lay facing the rebel lines around Petersburg the last winter of the war the men in the rifle pits refrained from firing at each other, except when ordered t° do so to cover some new movement. One night I was in a pit about half a mile from what is known as the “crater,” and I soon found that there was a “Johnny” in a pit facing me, and only a stones’s throw away. Everything was quiet in that neighborhood, and! had been in the pit about an hour when he called out: “Say, Yank, what about this hyar wahp” “ hat do you mean?” ‘ ‘ hen are you ’uns gwyne to quit?” * ‘When you are licked out of your boots.” “Shoo! you can’t do it in a hundred years.” “Well, we are going to keep trying.” He was quiet for a few minutes, and said: •‘Say, Yank, this is an awful wah.” ’•Yes.” “Heaps o’ good men being killed." “Yes.” “Heaps o’ property gwine to wreck.” “Yes.” ‘ ‘Does you uns lay it to meP” “Well, you are helping to keep the w ar going.” “And I hadn’t orter?” “Of course not.” ‘ ‘And if I should come over to you uns it might end this fussing?” “It would help.” “Wall, Beems that way to me. ’Pears to me a sort o’ duty. If I kin stop this bloodshed an’ won’t do it then I’m onery mean, hain’t I?” “You are.” “Hain’t got no true apeerlt in me, eh?” “Then I guess I’ll come. I’m aheadin’ right fur yur, and do you be keerful that your gun don’t go off.” He came to my pit, bringing his gun along, and as I passed him to the rear he said: ‘ ‘This ends the wah and I’m powerful glad of it. Reckon your Glneral Grant will be surprised when he wakes up in the mawnin’ an’ finds the rebellion all petered out and me a-eating Yankee hard tack.”

TOO MUCH SO. As he walked with the baby He had to confess That marriage with him Was a howling success. ANXIOUS TO DSLOAI). New York Weekly. Stranger—“l represent an English syndicate, and am looking for investments.” Chicago man—“ Glad to see you, sir. How would you like to buy a World’s Fair?”

" HE FIDDLED AND. THEY FIT. Virginia City Chronicle. A Mill Creek miner thus winds up the story of a fight between 1,000 wolves that besieged his cabin one night recently in the mountains of that region, incited to frenzy by the notes of the aforesaid miner’s fiddle: ‘‘l fiddled and they fit and ate each other, till they began to thin out. Every time I gave an extra rasp on the E string they howled louder and pitched in afresh. They kept it up for three hours when there wasn’t more than forty or fifty left, and they so blamed full that they could hardly waddle. But I fiddled and they fit for a second wind. When one threw up the sponge the others bolted Him in a twinkling. By and by there wasn’t more than a dozen left. But I fiddled and they fit and feasted. “When they got down to three, each one laid hold of another’s tail and chawed for glory. The ring kept getting smaller, but I fiddled and they chawed until there was only a bunch of ha’r left, and that blowed away down hill. The snow was all red with blood and trampled down ten feet. Heads and bones were strung all down the canyon, and there was fur enough ip sight to stuff a circus tent. It was the dandiest dog fight I ever saw.”

A FARMERS FIRST DEPOSIT. N. Y. Sun. Th#y had opened a bank at Medina the fifat one in the history of the town and one day after it was in good running order Farmer Adams hltohed his herse and wagon in front of the buildS, looked to see if the orook of butand basket of eggs were safe, and n entered the building. He was well known to all of the officials, and hitch had a word for him as he entered, lie looked around him in wonder, and then addressed himself to the President. » * 1 ‘Wall, Steve Smith, you've gone and ipsjyfl a bank, ©h?” a reg'lar oharter?” •«*b. **•" ‘ ‘wt tninff# so that rpbbers can't git the *Xf 9 ” now, lofk-a-here, Stevq, I’ve tauoweA Toh a long tijpa, haven’t IP” *®»u have. M*. Adams.'' r Vndirod you when your father run

off and left the family as hud up as a spring coon with a broken leg?*’ “Yes.” ‘ Knowed you when you growed up and married H anner Taylor ?” “Yes.” “How is Hanner and the young ’uns?” • Well, thank you. ” ‘ ‘That’s proper, but what I was goin' to say was that I guess I’ll put some money in your bank—not a great deal, but jist ’null fur a nest egg, like." ‘We shall be glad to number you with our patrons.” “Yaas, but look-a-here, Steve, I don’t want no foolin’ about this bizness. When I want my money I want to find it right here.” “Certainly.” ■‘And I want to find you here.” “Of course,” “And if you bust up the bank and run off with the cash, as some of ’em hev done, do you know what I’ll do? I’ll hitoh up the old mare and foller you to the end of the airth, and when I overhaul you I’ll give you the allflredest drubbing any man on this globe ever got.” “You need have no fears, Mr. Adams.” “Waal, you hear me, and now here is four dollars to begin on. It’s to sort ’o try you, and if everything is all right, I may put in some more when I sell that steer. That’s all, onless you bust up and run away.”

a plunger’s awful agony. Texaa Siftings. Time—lß9o. Place Sheepshead Bay race track. Before the race. Moses Mosenstein (near-sighted and nervous) —Mosey, vere is Firenzee? Moses Junior—He is shust coming out, fader, mit a blanket on. Moses—-A blanketP I don’t like dot. First Quarter. Moses Vere is Firenzee now, Mosey? Moses Junior—De last in de race, fader. Moses—Holy Abraham! but dot is terrible-awful! Second Quarter. Moses—Vere is now, Mosey, my son? Moses J unior—De same place, fader. Moses—Ach, mein Gott! I am a ruined man! Vy did I gampol? Third Quarter. Moses—Vere now, my dear son? Moses Junior—Still de last fader! Moses—O, Rebecca, O, my poor leetle children, your vicked fader has ruined you sere ver; mein Gott, let me die! Home Stretch. Moses—Who vine, my poy? Moses Junior—Firenzee. fader. Moses—Tank Gott! Mosey, go over and cash my ticket. It is for $2. Mien himmel. I’ll never gampol again! THE SAFEST SIDE. Milkman (to applicant for situation) —“You have [had experence, have you?” Applicant—“Oh yes, sir.” 1 ‘On which side of a cow do you sit to milk?” ‘ ‘The outside, sir.

CUPID HAS HIS WAY. In winter oft the gas burns low— Sufficient is the fire’s bright glow. On summer nights ’tis turned down—so— Because it heats the room, you know. ’Tis thus that Cupid has his way. Let any season come that may. '

APPLIED COMMON SENSE. " Out about four miles from Hatches I came across a colored man who had headed for town wifih a jag of wood on a one-mule wagon. At a narrow spot in the road, where the mud was a foot deep, his old mule had given out, and the wagon was stalled. The man sat on a log by the road side, smoking a corn-cob pipe and enjoying a sun bath and after viewing the situation I asked: “Well, what are you going to do?" “Huffin' boss,” he answered. ‘ ‘Going to leave the rig right there until it sinks out of sight?” ‘ ‘Oh, she’s dun gone down about as fur as she kin!” “Are you in no hurry?” ‘ ‘Ho, sah. Ize got all dis week to get to town.” “Well, you take things pretty cool, I must say.” “Say, boss, jist sot down heah hall an hour an’ see de fllosophy of da thing,” he answered. “I’ze working a common sense plan on dis difficulty.” I got down and took a seat, and it wasn’t ten minutes before a cottonteam, with four darkies perched on the bales, came up from the rear. “Yo\ dar—what’s de rumpus?” demanded the driver as he checked his mules. “Dun got stuck fast.” “Oh—ho! Come along boys an 1 git dat ole mewl outer histrubblet” They all got down, eaoh took a wheel, and with a “heave-oh” the wagon was lifted out of the mud and was ready to go on. “See de pint?" queried the owner of the rig, who hadn’t lifted a pound himself. n >‘l do.” ‘ ‘Dat’s what ail de black man to-day —hain’t got no fllosophy. He-haw, now, Julius-git right up** bend you ole back-bone! So long, white man—see yo’ later!”

Draw It Mild.

Mrs. O’Kay—, ‘l’m going to Cutlet’s, Horace. Shall I onler the Sunday dinner?" kMr. O’Kay—3®y all means no, don’t rder It just ask tor It. Last month’! ill is stm due."

SPRING SAY.

I love you. I know it, Because the birds sing Gladlier this spring time Than last time o’spring; The breath of the lilac . That blooms aUny door Is sweeter and subtler » That ever before; The breezes are softer - That come from the dell, The grasses are greener That carpet the fell. i The roses are redder, The violets are bluer, The white of the lily Morevlrginly pure; The pansy more royal, The buttercup more yellow. .., - The sunset more gorgeous, • v , The moonbeams more mellow, By the green world around you, the bine skies above you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. You love me. I know it, Because in your sight The stin might go out Aud I would not lack light And even if it were to ~ And left ne’er a spark, T. L 1 could feel my way to your _ Warm heart In the dark. You love me. I know it, Because in my breast In your absence there dwells A delicious unrest— Which tho’ to-day piercing Exquisitely keen I would not exchange For the crown of a queen, The bay of a Sappbo, The robe of a dean, — Nor for all the raised splendors The oceans between. By the green world around me, the blue skies above me, You love me, you love me, you love me, youlov me. Oretia Kay Belt.

Children Enjoy

The pleasant flavor, gentle aotion and soothing effects of Syrup of Figs, when inneed of a laxative, and If the father or mother be costive or bilious the most gratifying results follow its use. so that it Is the best family remedy known and every family should have a bottle.

HER FACE.

I met her on the street to-day And she was decked in rich array— With paint and powder on her face ■ Somewhat concealed by friendly lace, She spoke to none—and none to her— No stracger.’as you migh infer, For she was born and schooled and—fell Within that town that knew her well, No smile lit up her stony face, Which seemed to hate the human race. And she had cause beyond our ken To hate all women and all men. A social leper—outcast—blight— Accursed; perhaps thefworld is right, Yet one there was who taught a way. Disparaged, in our haugty day. They pass her by, each upright dame, Without one word, to save, reclaim. The taint; oi sin makes them recoil— There own white souls they fear might soil. Ah, well, mayhap the world is right, To crush and tmmple—bruise and blight. I amjno God, to judge or know— Nor fiend, to torment her below. I saw her face—and this I knew, That sisterhood from me was due; I saw God’s daughter stoned anew, While none condemned the,hands which threw. Lydia Platt Richards,

Blessings of a Divide.

New York Weekly. ( . /; First Philosophical Tramp: “Look at th’ uneven distribution of wealth. Mister Astor cud give every man in h’ country $2.50, and he’d have $2.50 left fer hisself.” Second Philosophical Tramp: “If he’d only do it, what a blessin’ it ’ud be. You and I cud be howlin’ drunk all day to-morrer.”

A New Idea In Courtship,

It should be the parents’ duty to iu stitute an examination into the health of a daughter’s suitor, either by direct inquiry on the part of the family physician or, indirectly, by compelling him before marriage to effect an insurance on his life in some company of acknowledged standing. Pure food and good health are topics daily discussed in our homes, aud yet, how often the proper care in selecting our table articles is neglected. No mistakes are made in purchasing Dr. Price’s Cream Baking Powder and Delicious Flavoring ExtractsA man is known by the company he does not keep, in a measure, as well as by the company he does keep.

Free Trad.Vs Protection.

Uncle Zeb, an ardent free trader and cross roads statesman, was denouncing protection with all the arguments he could muster. “I’ll bet, Uncle Zeb.” interrupted one of the crowd, “that you are a protectionist, after all.” “I’ll bet I ain’t,” shouted the old man, warmly. “Come, now. How am I a protectionist!" “Why, you protect your system from spring and summer complaints by taking Ayer’s Sarsaparilla.” When the laugh subsided. Uncle Zeb replied with a grin, “Well, yes; I’ll allow that to that extent I am a protectionist, because I believe that Ayer’s Sarsaparilla is the best blood medicine ever made, not only for spring, but for all seasons.” He—The outlet is cold again, darling. Now what would you do if I scolded just a little? She—Make it hot for you, dearest. Bronchitis is cured by frequent smal doses of Piso’s Cure for Consumption. □ Old smokers prefer “Tansill’s Punch,”

Children Cry for Pitcher’s Castoria. When Baby wa» tick, we gave her Caetoria. When she was a Child, she cried tor Castoria, When ahe became Bias she clung to Oaatoria, When she had Children, she gave them Osstoria

Remedy Worse Than the Disease Smith & Gray’s Monthly. Muiiin—Oi hev a chinder in me eye, from the gas house! Mrs. Mullin—Sorra, sorra! This is pfwhat yez’ll do. Hold yure noge wid wan hand, tur-rn th’ lid av yure oyo in-sidy-out wid th’ other, kape yure mout’ shut, an’ shneeze like th’ divil! Mullin—Oi tink oi’ll kape th’ chinder* Rosie!

Smoking in Japan.

Everybody smokes in Japan. The pipes hold a little wad of fine cut tobacco as big as a pea. It is fired and the smoker takes one long whiff, blowing the smoke in a cloud from his mouth and nose. The' ladies have pipes with longer steins than the men, and, if one of them wishes to show a gentleman a special mark of favor, she lights her pipe, takes half a whiff, hands it to him, and lets him finish out the whiff. ’ . - “Mine must be the sunny side of life,” remarked the father of seven grown boys.

If it proves refractory, mild discipline is the thing to set it right Not all the nauseous draughts and boluses ever invented can do hall as much to refnedy Its disorders as a few wineelassfuls—say, three a day—of Hostetter’s Stomach Bitters,, which will afford it speedy reiiei, and eventually banish every dyspeptic end bilious symptom. Biek headache, nervousness, sallowness of the complexion, fur upon ihe tongue, vertigo, and those many indescriable and d sagreeable sensations caused by indigestion, are too often perpetuated by injudicious dosing. An immediate abandonment of such random and ill-advised experiments should be the first step in the direction of a cure; the next step the use of this standard tonic alterative, which has received the highest medlcsl sanction and won unprecedented popularity. She Knew Why. Const tell the reason, Clyde dear, Why you refused young Kidd? “Of. course I can,” she said—a pause “The reason was—well—just becauseOh, just—because I did!

Confidence Begot oi {success. So successful has Dr. Pierce’s Golden Medical Discovery proved in curing chronic nasal catarrh, bronchial and throat diseases, that its manufacturers now sell it through druggists under a positive guarantee of its benefiting or curing in every case, if given a fair trial, or money paid for it will be refunded. Consumption (which is sorofula of the lungs) if taken in time, is also cured by this wonderful medicine. For Constipation or Sick Headache, use Dr. Pierce’s Pellets; Purely Vegetable. One a dose. The man who is perfectly wrapped up in himself is easily done up by other people. —lndianapolis Sentinel. six novels free, will be sent oy Cragin & Co., Philada., Pa., to any one in the U S. or Canada, postage paid, upon receipt of 25 Dobbins’ Electric Soap wrappers. See list of novels on circulars around each bar. Soap for sale by all grocers. The Anarchist cares not who makes the law of the country so he can drink its oeer. .4 Michigan Central Railroad Em* ploye Wins Bis Case After Seven Years’ Contest.

While employed as agent Of the Michigan Central Railroad Company, at Augusta, Mich., my kidneys became diseased, and from an impoverished and impure state of the blood my health was entirely under mined. I consulted the leading physicians of this cRy and Ann Arbor and all pros nounced my case Bright’s disease. In October last I began taking Hibbard’s Rheumatic Syrup, and am to-day a well man. It affords me pleasure to render suffering humanity any good that I can, and I wish to say that I think it the greatest blood, kidney and liver medicine in the world. E. Larzilebe, Ag’t M, C, R. R,, Albion, Mich. Sold by all druggists. Prepared only by the Charles Wrieht Medicine Co., Detroit, Mich.

fllfebard’s Rheumatic and Liver Pfite.

These Pills are scientifically compounded, uniform in action. No griping pain so oommenly following the use of pills. They are ad tinted to both adults and children with perfect safety. We guarantee they hays no equal in the cure of Sick Headache, Con* stination, Dyspepsia, Biliousness; and, as an ;qpettier, they excel any other prepat* Jon. Abase is one of the few things a man can get without earning or deserving it HALL’B CATARRH CURE is a liquid and is taken internally, and acts directly upon the blood and mucous surfaces of the system. Send for testimonials, free. Sold by Drnggistß, 75c. F. J. CHENEY A CO., Froprs./rcrtedo, 0. The mercury goes climbing up, The sunshine slippeth down, And every soul with cash in hand, Prepares to jump the town. Get the Best! Dr. Bull’s Worm Destroyers are the best. They taste good. They are safe. They are sure. Oregon fishermen have formed a union. They ought to have no trouble in finding a scale.

Peculiar That Hood’s Sarsaparilla does possess curative powers peculiar to itself is conclusively shown by the wonderful carps it has affected, unsurpassed in the history of medioine. _ This absolute merit it possesses by reason of the fact that it is prepared by a Combination, Proportion and Process peculiar to Hood’S Sarsaparilla, known to no other medioine, and by which the fmi medicinal power of all the ingredients used is retained. If you have never taken Hood’s Sarsaparilla, a fair trial will convince you of its gperitsHood’s Sarsaparilla Sold by all druggists, $1; six for |5- Prepared only by C.I. HOOD AGO., Lowell, Haas. 100 Doses One Dollar MOTHERS’ FRIEND HAKES CHILD BIRTH easy IP USED BEFORE CONFINEMENT. Book to "Hothihs'’ JLntuuMimaK. BKADFIELD KEGI' LATOR CO., ATLANTA, GA Bold bt all Dapfeoirra. ■ STRICTURE Dissolved and Removed by iledicine Hnlu . NO INSTRUMENTS. Unij. Address PHYSIC AN, Box 761, 7 PROVIDENCE, K 1 ® CHICHESTER’S ENGLISH PENNYROYAL PILLS. Bed Cross Diamond Brand. Th« only reliable pill tor ads. SafeKl m Ladles, uk DracgUt far the JMosaead Brand, la red metallic boxer, aaU-J with Harrlbfcom. Taken# ether. Seat 4*. Ittup,) far partteolara ut “ KeUef far Ladlem* <a inter, by nut!L Chick eater ChaaOcal <<».. Mad Una a#.. PblUda. Pa. Ptgagssgas I tyre in last

slur firandsires 5 have appreciated a purgative at ” mfLtfV °f ce and so t^IB cathartics bofir too harsh and & drastic for common "Ayer’s Pills are the / to** H"fo iCll> * 11 diseases caused 1 by a disordered liver and stomach.”—Philip Lockwood, Topeka, Kans. “I hare been taking Ayer’s Pills and using them in my family since 1857, and ciu.-etxuily recommend them to all in need of a safe but effectual cathartic.” —John M. Boggs, 807 W. Chestnut st., Louisville, Ky. FW Sick Headache and Indigestion taka • Ayer’s Pills, * Prepared by Dr. J.C. Ayer ft Co., Lowell, Man. Bold by all Druggiau and Dealer* in Medicin*.

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EVERY WATERPROOF COLLAR Tr CUFF THAT CAN BE RELIED ON BE to UP IXTotto QylltS THE MARK Not tO DlBOOlOP! - ■ ", BEARS THIS MARK. trade ELluloid MarkNEEDS NO LAUNDERING. CAN BE WIPED CLEAN IN A MOMENT. THE ONLY LINEN-LINED WATERPROOF * AO »M TUP MARKRT_ MpIiISSEHBEEI^K333B Ira Best Cough Medicine. Recommended by Physicians, nj Kjrl Cures where all else fails. Pleasant and agreeable to the M |j| taate. Children take it without objection. By druggists, wfm

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