Rensselaer Republican, Volume 22, Number 35, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 1 May 1890 — TOOTING INTO WEALTH. [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

TOOTING INTO WEALTH.

HOW SQUIRES’ JOY ENUNCIATOR BROUGHT HIM PRECIOUS METALS. Ihe Subtle Device Through Which Col. Beverly Summers Was Persuaded to Sell His Farm at a Loas.

The other day I met Col. Beverly Summers, who some time ago went to Alabama for the purpose of spending the remainder of his life in peace and profound quietude. When I bade him good-by he had seemed to be so hopeful, his eyes had been so bright with the emotional ooze of anticipated happiness, that npon meeting him again I was astonished to see that his countenance had grown dull under a presumable disappointment When I had asked the cause of his apparent dejection he conducted me to a quiet corner and then, after a few moments’ silence, said: “I settled near a postofflee known as Antrobus. There were but few houses near us; the neighborhood is picturesque, and my wife and I were delighted. From the top of our graceful hill we could see the sun coming up out of a beautiful valley, far away, and at evening we could see the brow of a distant moun tain, encircled with a wreath of blazing glory. In an evil hour a shoving fellow i a despoiler, a man who weald turn the sweet blush of dewy nature into the hard frown of enterprise, started a sawmill not far from our house. This was annoying, but we soon became reconciled especially as the mill was compelled to shut down for want of and jve were about to congratulate ourselves, one morning at 5 o’clock the mill began to whistle. Well, sir, at 10 o’clock that mill was still whistling. By this time I was almost wild. I sent a negro - V- • . ''vV ■' -y- - .

boy down to investigate the tantalizing situation. He came back about anhout later and reported that the mill was not running and had not been, but that the boilers were under a full headway of steam. The thing whistled all night, and the next morning, as the situation instead of showing signs of improvement, seemed to be growing worse, I went over to expostulate with tlis proprietor of the mill. I found him sitting on a stump, complacently smoking. He was an easily recognized type of a Georgia “cracker,” of the improved breed. His hair was long and there were pieces of bark clinging to his grizzily beard. He paid no attention to me as 1 approached, but appeared to be lost in the contemplation of a distant hill-top. I had never met him before, but I knew his name. “ ‘This is Mr. Squires?’ said I. " ‘Yep, b’lieve it is,’ he answered, still looking far away. “ ‘My name, sir, is Beverly Summers.’ “ ‘Yep, wouldn’ t be surprised.’ “‘I have called on you, Mr. Squires, to find out what is the matter with that mill whistle.’ “ ‘Nothin’ the matter with it how. Didn’t start off so mighty well at first— Bortef wheezed a but I catt’t complain at the present outlook.’ “ ‘But why do you keep the infernal thing blowing.’ "He removed bis gaze from the dis. nt hill-top, and looking at me said: M ‘Boy down at my home.’ “ ‘What!’ I exclaimed. " ‘Boy at my house—born yesterday mornin’.’ " ‘But is that any reason why you should make day and night hideous.’ “ ‘Don’t know auything about makin’ nothin' hideous, but if’s n reason why I should blow that whistle. I piomised myself that if fortune smiled on me this time, and sent me a boy, I would raise merry how-are-you, and fortune did liei work—kept her promise, as it were, and I’m going to keep mine. Look around, find a stump somewhar, and sit down awhile.’ "‘I don’t wish to sit down, sir. I have come to demand that you stop blowing that whistle.'

“ ‘No; I’m much obliged to you.* " f will have it declared a nuisance, 1 exclaimed. - “Woa'rmak no difference, for you she I’Vo get an order irom the court to blow that thing ns long as I want to. 'So, when fortune proved that after so many years of girls and hard luck she had decided to favor me, why I hired two fellers, onfe for daytime and the other for night, anfl told thorn to |ie back the rope,qf that whip\lo and! keep up the pucker all the time. Hired them for a year* M&m ■ “You don't mejtn \q say that yoo are going to koop that thing blowing for a whole years.

“That’s what the contract says. Mister, you don’t understand the situation. I've got ten gab, but not until the othn» morntn’ was the voice of a boy ever heard in my house. Now, you nay sneeze at a good many folks, but let me advise you not to sneeze at the pore feller that has raised ten of the oneryest lookin’ gals in the country. Now thar was Moll. Ido reckon that Moll was

the fattest gal you ever seed. Waddled when she walked—waddled like a ’possum. Wall, what did Moll do? Disgraced me by marayiug the slimmest man in the world. That feller was so slim that he could stltnd in a doublebarrel shotgun and reach down and take hold of his hoot straps. An’ thar was Lize. I reckon she was the slimmest gal that ever destroyed shoe-leather, what did she do? Tuck her lor town one day an’ she fell in love with the fat boy that they had in a show and she married him shortly afterward. Then there was Kitty, the palest critter, I reckon, you ever seed in your life. One day she got nervous and anxious, and I knowd right then and thar that she was lookin’ round fur some monstrosity to marry. Wall, she found him. She found a feller wish a nose so red that he could hold up a newspaper the darkest night that ever come and rend it. That’s ahnnt the way all of them married, uud when they come to live with me they turned my home into a regular asylum for physical extremes, as old Dr. Miles lowed, and now that nature h<\s given me a boy instead of another g«! au’ I want to show ypu my ’preciation w’y you—you— ’ "He bowed his head and wept—yes, I would have sworn that he wept. I could say nothing more. I actually sympathized with him, but the mill continued to whistle. “I returned home and reported to my wife. She felt sorry tor the fellow, but declared that we must leave the neighborhood. I sold out at a sacrifice and Just as Wo had reached the railway station. some ten miles distant from the home I had learned to love, I learned that an iron mine, worth probably sl,ObO.OOO, had been discovered on the land that I had sole, for a mere song. “ ‘But why didn’t you tell me,’ I demanded. " ‘Well,’ the fellow replied, ’the sawmill man made me swar to keep my mouth shut till after he had made a trade. He got a feller to buy yo’ placo fur him. Mighty smart man, Squires is. Goin’ ter marry my sister.’ “You know, uow, why I left,” Col. Summers added. “That story about all those girls and the new boy was a lie. The scoundrel had never been married, built the mill in the first place to drive me away.”— Opie i?. Mead, in Chicago Times. »

Freaks Made to Order. Freaks for museums are now made to order, says a showman. Give me an hour’s time, and I can rig up an electric man for any person in the city. All that is necessary 'is to fasten two large brass or ii’on plates to the floor and attach them to an electric buttery. Any person will answer for the man, provided he stands on one of the plates and allows everybody that steps on the other plate to shake hands with him, thus completing the circuit. Slate-writing in theaters is done with the aid of a confederate or two in the audience. The message is written on one side of the slate, which is carefully covered with a piece of clean, dry black rubber looking like slate, which fits very closely, and protecting the writing from the damp rag which is passed over it to make the audience think that no writing exists. The performer then stops in to the auditorium and asks somebody to suggest a sentence. The confederate is the first to respond, and his question is chosen. An answer to this is, of course,writteii on the slate already and carefully covered with tlie rubber. A board is next securely fastened to the frame side of the slate with a cord, and the performer then takes the whole affair on the stage aud unfastens the board, being careful to remove the rubber at the same time, thus allowing the people to see the writing. All other tricks are just as simple, but on account of their simplicity nobody can easily catch on to the way they are executed.

Mi's. Greeley’s Patience. There are an endless number of stories hinging upon the peculiarities of the late Horace Greeley, most of them having to do with bis penmanship. But \\#kuow next to nothing of his home life and what Mrs. Greeley did with the great journalist. While living at Cimppaqua lie formed the habit of taking guests home with him unexpectedly, and, as may naturally be supposed, much to the annoyance ol his wife. Thackeray told with glee how ho walked into the parlor- alter the placid Horace, and how the journalist tried to assure a pleasant welcome by greeting his better half with an effusive smile. He had no soonei dropped his hat on the center table i bau she picked it up and threw it out “Of the window, -thus mi idly her disgust. Having cased her mind she saluted the distinguished guest with becoming gravitj* auu all was well.— N. Y. Herald.

ltemarkable Insomnia. The most remarkable case of insora nia on. VecoYd is fc jVp rteef fro m Georgia, flurries Harden, a.hegro of Athcus, in that state, is said, th'udvh livjsd four years without sleeping at all.

nra Lees are crooked. 1 Bicycle Entbaalast Wants a Baariy hj Which. Bj f.imtM Can Be Straightened. » If I do Bay it myself, I am never happier than when helping someone in distress. People come to me for all sort* >f things, such as advice quarters, retractions, cigars, my photo, long-stand-ng bilis.jideas, etc. Nearly all my spare time is taken np in explaining and apologizing because things don’t go as per the programme I recommend my friends

to follow. When these troubles are caused'by the oattiders I don’t mind it so much, but when' they come from the \ insiders pay spirit is harrowed in long, deep, water - logged furrows. For instance, here comes

the intelligent, high-salaiied man who weekly draws a fat envelope for the express purpose of answering questions.

He hands me the following query with a request to answer it for him: “Will you please pame an exercise or remedy t o prevent spreading of the legs caused by riding a bicycle, and oblige “Cyclist. “N. B. What I mean by above is that

when walking, after riding a ‘bike,’ the legs are somewhat like this (Exhibit A) instead of like this (Exhibit B). At times, even the legs form such absurd forms and curves as shown in exhibits C, D. E, F and G.’’ “Cyclist’’ is in & bad way and has my sympathy. This sympathy of mine is a very good remedy In itself, and if rubbed on the affected parts night and morning will produce good results. A

veiy high medical authority recommends riding sideways as a remedy, but these »high medical opin- ■ ions should always be g taken with cam bar'■relo sal is, which does not add to the flavor. However, there is no harm in trying it so

long as you don’t hold me in anyway responsible for the result. • A better plan would be to wear your

legs in splints for a day or two after each ride. Still better, take your bike to a good barber and have the wheels hollowground. Then you will have more room for your calves and the rest of your live stock. If these reme-

dies fail go 6ee a doctor. Don't speak

to him or let him see yea. ?«At tei’etr the usual advicb and “go see a doctor.” I have a young friend who was nillicted as you are, and ho took his bike down to the lake, lied a stone around its neck and threw it into the water. But it

didn’t work. The hike crawled out of

the lake and was home before its master. It i 9 harder to give a "bike” the 6hako than it is a dog, a cat, a cold or a horse. Riding on a West Side jolting car is an exercise that is recommended if not taken too frequently. Like creme de mint, a little of it goes a good

ways. Don’t, however, try the jolting A. AWAMjI f .1A ftnl/trtn v*

exercise unless you have a strong constitution. I warn you thus because I am getting heartily tired of chipping in toward 1 the funeral expenses of the people who die nflcr taking my ad-

vice without the aid of a regular licensed physician, —Chvrlcs Lederer, in Chicago Herald.

Feminine Superstitions. Are women superstitious? "I have just had a letter from the women at the head of an organized charity," said a woman the other day, "and now I shall have bad luck all the week.” On being asked for an explanation, she said it always brought her the worst possible luck to see, speak to, or hear from one of these good women. Another woman made a statement that she was probably the most unlucky person in the solar system. “She!” said one of her friends who heard this announcement. "Don’t say it aloud or it will bring you bad luck. You must not allow yourself to hear such bad reports of your luck or you will be unfortunate.” A sow superstitions peculiar to womeu perhaps, at any rate common among them, are these: You must on no account sing before breakfast, or vou fvill surely weep before supper. If, however, you are so careless as to forget yourself to the extent of humming a bar or two you must quickly pronounce the mysterious formula "bread and butter,” and this will im mediately put to flight any evil spirits that are lurking about. Should you tumble against a loose plunk or even a stone gpon the styeet, by all means return and with great presence of mind and deliberation stop over the stumbling block, or bad luck will follow you throughout the day. In dressing yourself, should you by chance put oh a garment wrong side out, on no account turn or confusion worse than death will come upon you. — N. Y. Hun.

A Big; Deer Park. The Elk county (Pa.' den- park oi Hall & Kaul is a mile square. All around .the place a fence made of trees stands from ten to lifteeu feet in height, while in%ide the brush and trees are so thick that people are easily lost there. Approaches to, the park are so arranged that the deer coming up find but little difficulty in gaining an entrance. but once inside there is no possible means of gettiug put. ipsido the feu<f» ground slope so much that the most expert jumper in theckei tribe would not attempt to get out. H 1b thought now that there’ are not lea# than ISO deer within the park.

HE SAT ON A TRUNK.

SHE FELT IN LOVE WITH THE PAT BOY

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?”

EXHIBIT A.

EXHIBIT B.

EXHIBIT C.

EXHIBIT D.

EXHIBIT E.

EXHIBIT F.

EXHIBIT G.