Rensselaer Republican, Volume 22, Number 35, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 1 May 1890 — WIT AND HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

WIT AND HUMOR.

“There is cno thing every “bud” mast have, and that’s a bldw out.— Boston Herald. —-*| - ‘‘Are you fond' of Wagnerian opera. Mr. Flint?" “Yes, I never carea for music."— Life. Time is money, but a good deal of it is about as valuable as Confederate cur-rency.-=-PucA. Speech is silver, and silver is likely to mean speech in Congress this session. —Lowell Courier. Poverty may not be a crime, but it gets more punishment than crime-does. —Philadelphia Inquirer. Most of us worry over our trials, but the lawyers worry if they haven’t, any. Yonkers Statesman. Adam was the only man who had a wife made to order, and even she turned out a misfit.— Philadelphia Inquirer. First Moth—“ Are you there, neighbor?” Second Moth—“ Yes; how do I look in this new dress suit?” —Yonkers Statesman. A woman is never so badly in love that she does not try to find out th© cost of her engagement ring.— Atchison (Has.) Globe. Those who say that woman has no sense of humor have evidently failed to notice how a mustache tickles her.— Boston Courier. There is more billing than cooing in the household where there is an extravagant wife this season of the yelr.— Boston Gazette. The man who doesn’t know where his next dollar is to came from sends it where his last went. — Philadelphia Press. It’s very monotonous to be rich, but there is a variety about being poor that sometimes makes one weary.—Philadelphia Inquirer. Professor (young and handsome)“Miss Flirtey, dealine ‘me.’” Miss Flirtey—“No, sir; I accept you.”— Lawrence American. When you dance in Russia you are expected to go through all the Steppes. The most common dance now is the Ca-choo-ca. — Puck. The revolution in Brazil will make ooffee scarce, but the abundant clove crop will serve to help out between the acts. — Boston Herald. “He has a crest now, though his father was nothing but a beggar.” “Well, who has a better right to a coat of alms?” — N. Y. Sun. The trouble with some theologians is that they think nobody can get into liAaven who doesn’t have a latchkey.— Burlington Free Press: Bashfulness is very becoming sometimes to a young man, but it is well for him to get over it if he is going to board.— Somerville Journal. Every man ought»to be as good as his word. Nothing is expected of those who never have a good word for anybody.—New Orleans Picayune. After a man has finished putting up his stovepipe the family parrot has to be kept out of the room when the minister calls. —Yonkers Statesman. Larkin—“Jaysmith’s record is beyond suspicion, isn’t it?” Maddox—- “ Beyond suspicion! I should say it was. We can prove the facts.”— N. Y. Sun. Mrs. Brown—“ What prompted that bold young man to kiss you at the door?" Cora —“Why, ma, Idou’tthink he needed any prompting.” — N. Y. Sun. Dobson—“Old Bowser may bo a misei’, but he lias the heart of a spring chicken.” Blobson—“I do not think him sis old as that.”— Binghamton Piepublican. The small boy may occasionally fail in other things, but you can depend upon it that there is one thing he will always do—get to a show in time.— Atchison Globe. Waiter (at the cTffh')—“There is » lady outside who says that her husband promised to be home early to-night.’ All (rising) —“Excuse me a moment.’ —Boston Budget. It is our proud boast that the United States has no standing army; but look at our bars. There is an army of men standing at them everyday taking theii drinks.— Texas Siftings. “Mary, what were you talking a long about with Mrs. Brown’s cook?" “0, we were talking about the ladie just as you and Mrs. Brown talk about cooks."— P'ligende Blatter. Mollie—“I wonder how the exEression ‘an arm of the sea’ originated?” tarry (with a tender look) —“Perhaps somebody noticed that it hugged the 6hore. ” — Kearney Enterprise. Michklehan was viewing one of the pagan figures in India when by means of a mechanical appliance it began to weep copiously. “Marvelous!” he exclaimed. “Tears, idol tears."— Judge. Wagner has had no successor. The world was prepared for this sad event, however, as, during the production of all his works, there was never a hint of an air apparent. -Baltimore American. < Seedy Simmons —“Is my face good for the whisky?" Barkeeper—“No, I do not think it is. I think if they got together the whisky would get decidedly the worst of it.” — Terre Haute Express. In Court—“ How comes it that you committed a robbery in 30 crowded a street in full daylight?" “If youi Honor please, because I had laid out some other streets for the evening,”— Fliegende Blatter. “Ah, Jones, moving again?” "Yes, the landlord told une this house had all the conveniences, but he deceived me. I’ve looked the place all over, but I haven’t found it convenient to pay the rent.’’— Boston Transcript. Jaggs—“l think I am entitled to a pension.” Pension Agent—“ What is your claim?" Jaggs—“Well, my feelings were hurt by several people calling me a coward because I wouldn’t enlist.’’—Philadelphia Inquirer. - ; ' 1 It was charged that a Brooklyn Alderman was au escaped State prison bird, but the paper making it has been compelled to apologize. As a matter of fact, be served out both his terms. Detroit Free Press.