Rensselaer Republican, Volume 22, Number 33, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 17 April 1890 — WIT AND HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

WIT AND HUMOR.

Best place for a boil—ln the tea kettle.— Boston Bulletin. The “old soldier’s” home—The cue* pidore.— Boston Bulletin. Irish nationality wouldn’t stand—founded on a sham-rock.— Pittsburg Chronicle. ' “Do you think I’ll get justice“O, no. You’Fe all right. Thev’li acquit you.”—A T . Y. Sun. A farmer who doesn’t know how to run a newspaper has been, discovered in Nebraska.— Philadelphia Inquirer. We live so fast nowadays that it keeps the recording angel busy putting down “breaks. ’’ — Brooklyn Magazine. “Let us learn French Goslin. What do you say?" “Cawn’t do it, Dollcy; ’tisn’t English, you know.”— Harper's Bazar. There is baldly any man so friendless in this world that he hasn’t at least one friend ready to tell him his faults, — Texas Sijlings. Teacher—“ Now, children, by what fa the earth divided?” Tommy (whose father is a kicker) —“By the politicians.”—Epoch.

Clouds are a good deal like men—they are harmless when alone, but they make trouble when they get together. —Norristown Times. An exchange exclaims: “In these days of roguery a man must have lost his wits to indorse a note.” At any rate he is-apt to Idee his balance.— Philadelphia Press. Minister (to choir leader) —“1 see you have dispensed.with Mr. Deeptone’s services.” Choir Leader*—“Yes, sir; I thought a change of bass desirable.”— Pittsburg Chronicle. Minnie—“So he kissed you, did he?” Mamie—“ Once.” Minnie—“ You don’t say! Well, the smartest man on earth is liable to make a fool of himself once.” —Terre Haute Express. Quills (meeting an old classmate)— “Well, old fellow, how goes it? Lots of patients, I suppose?” Squills (rue-fully)—“Y-yes; lots of patience!” Lawrence American. “Is there any question more disagreeable to you than, ‘Where did you get that hat?”’ “Well, I should hate like thunder to be asked where I got this umbrella.”— Philadelphia Inquirer. .

Wickwire You say you are acquainted with Brown? Yabsley—He is a particular friend of mine. Wickwire—lf he is a friend of yours he surely can’t be so very particular.— Terrt Haute Express. Visitor to Editor—“ Could you use an entirely original poem on ‘The Narcotic Weed’?” Editor—/‘I could, oi course, but as long as matches are sc cheap I don’t see the use."—Lippincott's Magazine. Kansas Farmer—“ Got any any molasses jugs?” Storekeeper (briskly) —“Yes, sir—new kind just out; tin toj to the neck; hold about four fingers: rubber cork, so the smell won’t gel out.”— N. Y. Weekly. ' Bluster—‘’Yes, ahem! My corres* poudence is, ahem! remarkably large. I receive, ahem! on au average 30C letters a day.”* C6olley—“Why in thunder don’t you pay up, then?”— Lawrence American.

Clerk of Bookstore to Proprietor—- “ What’s the price of this book?” ProErietor —“That Bible? Forty cents.” lerk—“lt is uot a Bible; it is an infidel work.” Proprietor—“O, I see. Four dollars.” — Washington Post. Quevcdo —“There is a man whe doesn’t care any more for his life than a small boy tioes for his clothes.’’ Curtis “Disappointed in •'love?” “Love? Bosh! No; he’s a writer ol funny paragraphs.”— Philadelphia Inquirer. . ■

Ted —“i hear Mrs. Bellair is married again. Isn’t it rather soon after hei unarms band’s death?" Ned—“ Yes, but there were extenuating circumstances. Her second husband was the undertaker who buried her first”— Epoch. Undertaker (to new assistant) —Go down town and get a bier. Tell them to charge it to me. New Assistant (to himself) Jewhillikens! That’s the kind of a man I like to work for. I’ll make it two, for luck.— Minneapolis Journal.

Miss Plympton “After all, Mr. Broughton, what is the advantage of having ancestors in the seventeenth century?” Mr. Broughton—“O,a great deal. They can’t hang around and mar your social aspirations today.”—Harper's Bazar. Little Edith—“Mamma, did you say that we should all know each other iu Heaven?” Mamma —“Yes, my child.” Little Edith—“ You can play that you’re out, though, can’t you. mamma, when people call that you don’t want to see?” — N. Y. Ledger.

Mr. Fangle (looking over the house he has just niovetl into) —“I wonder who lived here last?" Mrs. Fangle—“l don’t know; but the “lady was a Christian." "How can you tell?" "She left no rubbish in the cellar.”—Lippineott's Magazine. Benedict (after a conjugal tiff)—"lt’s teo bad a man can’t have a wife made to order.” Mrs. B.—" Well, I think you ought to be satisfied, that’s all I seem to be good for, to yon.” Ben—(densely) "What?” Mrs. B.—"To order.”— Philadelphia Press. What a beautiful tribute was that paid to a departed citizen of a Western town! The editor of a local painjj wrote that "J- 'was an honest nran; he was a truthful man; he wa3 one oi the best trout fishermen in this section." —Kearney Enterprise. Paying Teller—"l can’t help it if your name is Malone; you can’t get the money on tha t cheek uit less you- are identified.” Malone—“Hould a bit-wid ye! pi’ll bring Jim Maginnis in an introduce ye to him, an’ begorra he kin oidentofoy us both. Phat name, Sir?"— Harper's Weekly.

"Ma,” said Willie, who had beofi to the missionary sewiug'soeiety with his mother, "I feel very sorry for the poor little heathen." "That’s right, Willie. lam glad to see you show such a spirit.” “Yes’m. I’d feel sorry for anybody that bad to wear the clothes that you people were making today.”— WasLngUm Posir-