Rensselaer Republican, Volume 22, Number 18, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 2 January 1890 — TALK OF THE DAY. [ARTICLE]

TALK OF THE DAY.

Pushed to the wall—Piaster?. ' Eternal vigilance is the price of an umbrella. When money is tight business men tre sure to be sober. Turkeys are the most innocent of iirjs. The most silly woman in the world can stuff one. No truth in it—“ What’s all this talk >f illicit whisky made in the south?” J, that’s all moonshine.” And he didn’t take the hint—“ Delightful air up here, Miss Ancient? “Yes, indeed, so embracing!” Judge—“ Why don’t you answer the question just put to you?” Prisoner—- “ Well, give me time, can’t you?” fudge “Certainly. Thirty days! Sext case.” The old story—“ How is your furntce?” “First-rate. We manage to yet it warm every day, but it is a little selfish about letting any of tbe heat iway from iL | Euchre between the acts. —“Will sou do me the favor to let me p.iss?” She gently nodded her head; “With pleasure; however, if I were you, I t Would order it up,” she said. The man who says sarcastic things tbout his “wife going through his , trousers pockets” while he is asleep, is generally the one who doe-nt give his .wile any -money whea be is awaltq< ■■■ | Appropriate—“We want a eood name for our town.” “Yeß. Something like ‘Yonkers - on - Hudson’ or ‘Manchester-by-ttie-Sea,’ eh?” “Yes. How would ‘Boomtown-on-Paper’ do?”" Pleasant for Johnson -“To look ;it pou, Johnson, no one would take you tor a humorist.” “JNo?” “No. And be hanged if they’d think you were a funny man to read your jokes, either!” Hospital-ity Hospital physician (with a view to diagnosis)—“What do ! vou drink?” New patient (cheering ■up at the proposal)—“Oh, sir! -thank 1 /oil, sir—whatever you—l leave th.it to you, sir!” I Mudge—“Doctor, if I were to lose Imy mind do you suppose I would be liware of it myself?" Dr, Boless—“You would not. And very likely none of your acquaintances would notice it, either.” I No great shakes: Miss Brimmer (talking of Victor Hugo)—“Have you seen ‘Ninety-Three,’ Mr. Ferguson? It is wonderful!” Ferguson, ’92 (suddenly aroused) —“I don’t think so. We beat them nine to four.” Station master—“ Come, come, my Sfood man! You mustn’t walk on the track.” Tramp (disgustedly) “The nonductor says I can’t ride and you say 1 can’t walk. What’s your blamed old road here for, anyway?” 1 A Unanimous Joke.—-“ The subject for debate this evening, ladies and gentlemen,” said the president of the society, “is the old maid.” “Ready for the question !” humorously shouted averybody in the hall at once. Lubrication: Mrs, Megrim—“Lemael, what dir you a doin’?” Mr. Me-grim—“Apple-jackin’ these axles. If th’ stuff makes them wheels go th’ way it did my head last night, I’ll git , t’ town in about five minutes.” I Mean thrust: Caller (on wrong floor) “This is the subscription office of the Tomahawk, is it not? I wish to procure a few back numbers.” Exchange editor (pointing to funny man) ‘—“Look in his column to-morrow morning.” After the distribution: Foreign guest (at grand reception) —“Evidences of vast wealth are every where. Who is that handsome woman ablaze with diamonds?” Hostess —“Oh, she’s the wealthiest girl in the room. She’s a Johnstown sufferer.” In a Flat—“ Well, my dear, we should be comfortable enough here. Stationary tubs, stationary washstands, hot and cold water and all modern improvements." “Yes (dejectedly), John, that’s all very nice, but where is the stationary domestic?” He—“Mattle, I know that nobody can love you as well as I do.” She - “And is it possible that only you can find anything in me deserving of love?” He—“Of course I don’t mean that, Mattie. But, you know, I am not so particular as most men are.” Doctor—“ Even if your wife, my dear sir, does not seem quite cured of the malady for which I recommend the baths you must remember that she has gained ten pounds. You will know how to value that” “Exactly; precisely; every pound cost me $100.” His Wish—“ls there anything you wish for, dear?” said the young wife, fondly, to her husband at the breakfast table on the morning after the wedding. “Yes; I wish somebody would give me |lO for that five thousand dollar check your father put among the wedding presents.” I Mrs. Dainty—“l am so delighted to welcome you that I’ve come right down, you see, without even stopping to put on cuffs.” Mrs. Fauxpas (returning her embrace)—“You sweet thing, as if any one with the writs of a Venus de Milo need to even think of wearing cuffs.” Space Li mt ted. —Mr. Bascom —‘l noticed young Timothyseed is payin’ consid’able ’tentions to our ‘Lizy, Jane. Do you ’spose there’s anything between ’em?” Mrs. Bascom (who hasn’t forgotten old times) —“Not much, I guess, when they get to settin’ on the sofa.” Risky.—lrate father—“ Young man! I am enraged, sir, that you should seek to marry my daughter on so short an acquaintance. You are almost a stranger to her.” Stubbs (firmly)—“Well, she doesn't take anymore chances than I do. She’s almost a stranger to me, too Miss Walnut— "Oh! Claire. George and I are to be married next t month. All the arrangements have been completed and— ’’ Miss Che-.tnub (wuo has had designs on George herself) “I am glad, dear, and I do so wish that you will be happy. ( How good of George to say ‘yes,’ was’t it?’’ Hiroller—“l understand that Dashlelgh is trying to get appointed to see-' retaryship at Constantinople.” Roundabout— “Why, Dashleigh doesn't know anything about any suoject, excepting that he is an excellent judge of wines." Hiroller—“l suppose he wants to go <o I'tirkey because of the Sublime Porte there,”