Rensselaer Republican, Volume 22, Number 7, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 24 October 1889 — THAT WONDERFUL ELIXIR. [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

THAT WONDERFUL ELIXIR.

Bogsville Thrown Into a Fever of uxcita* I meat and Consternation. First Tried on an Old Hair Trunk and Then on an Aged and Infirm Pauner. Bogsville is in a state of excitement never before experienced by that community and the end is not yet A few weeks since Dr. Bitterweed commenced his . wonderful experiments with the Brown-Sequard Elixir and since then a perpetual Fourth of July celebration, with various embelishments, h is been in progress. The innocent lamb of rill stages and degrees, has been offered as a sacrifice and even the famous Ram of Bogsville, which never failed to give the passer-by a lift, has yielded up his life. i That the Doctor’s efforts may the better be understood wc append a few of his remarks delivered before such members of the Bogsville Scientific Society, as still possessed their sanity or yet retained sufficient age to remain out of their trundle beds after sundown. “I find,” remarked the doctor? “that the Elixir possesses various elements in keeping with the traits of the sheep, ere it has been reduced to mutton or worked up into this gre t rejuvenating remedy.. Hence, if a patient yearns for playful innocence we boil down a lamb. Should he desire simply to return to a condition of toughness and vigor wo introduce into his system the elements which made our patriarchal Ram of Bogsville a terror to all who I came within butting distance, A patient treated in this way gets as a ■ side- issue all tlie vim, stubbornness < and cussedness that characterized that . lately departed mutton. “Now, for the enlightenment of those who are regaining their’sanity i after a couple of weeks’ respite 1 will j make a resume of some of- the more important cases within my experience. I “Owing to the scarcity of volunteers for treatment a preparatory injection was administered to an old hair trunk which h;.d been in our family for generations. During the firsthalf hour-no symptoms were observed and a second dose was given just under the hotel label that was pasted on the end of the structure. Soon after it was seized by a constable on an attachement. There is little hopes of its recovery as my board bill is rather large.

“Next on the string was a pair of antique shoes that bad seen better days. Ten drops of the elixir was deposited in the toe. A cobbler assisted me. and his last efforts fully restored them. j “A pauper whose s inds of life had nearly run was brought me to build up. He was three score and ten and had an "extra score in nearTyevery barso much time to “hisTfunning i reduced, the reduction noted being from an avoirdupois of 310 pounds to that of 107 pounds in a period of five years, and so I gave him light-weight treatment. Three doses have built him up completely, in fact built him up to his original 310 pounds in weight. Through an oversight I forget to treat his clothes with the elixir and they remained their normal size until the patient reached about 200 pounds, then they ceased to be, bursting with a loud and sickening report. Having no credit at any clothing house, suitable garments could not be procured by him. He now appears in perfect health, and a blanket I was forced to furnish him.

1 “A marriageable young lady desired to avail herself of the assistance of the remedy in helping her lover to express his feelings. He was apparently troubled with heart failure -his heart failed him whenever he attempted to propose. She thought that if possessed of the remedy a worn m’slntuition will direct her safely in subsequent proceedings. For convenience in applying, I fixed her up a line of fishhooks, each unprotected and individual point of which fairly oozed elixir, and bade her good luck when the proper time came. It came that.evening and with it came the coveted young man. He evidently meant business, (so she told me) and had folded her , to his breast for the two-fold purpose of getting the mastery of his weakness and also herself. In the language of

Claude Melnot'ehe poured forth his passion for her in hot, burning words, and had just rounded the last word in the prologue of his little drama when his heart failed himU During his recital this noble girl whose generous nature had pronipted her to such an heroic resolve had been busy in slipping her line of elixir fish hooks adown his back in readiness to help in the moment of need. It came. He gasped, he faltered, and *she pulled the Tine with a yank that showed true womanly revotion. For the full space of one second she waited for results. She was confident that the elixir could not fail, and as the m ny points tore their little furrows along the pathway of his , spinal column his speech returned. Three terrific yells smote upon the air ere he burst through the closed window to the garden below. Further particulars will be elicited in a breech of promise action which she lias instituted as an auxiliary to the elixir. ;

Desiring to tone up a little in age and to appear a little nearer the prime of life he respited to the elixir—in fact his remit was rather "beyond the limits —and to his surprise it yanked him Back in years till it was doubtful whether he could votp at next election. With his return to youth appeared symptoms of big-headedness and when on the following day he was notified of his matrimonial freight Hardcash refused to accept the consignment, The bride, expectant, Jlmt smiled on him did soever a barrier of at least seventy years and it was on the grounds of too much “wear and tear” that he refused to accept this parcel of matrimonial sweets. The m trimonlal bureau promptly authorized the express agent to have all damages repaired at their expense, and feeling confident th it the elixir could rejuvenate the old girl they were married at once in order to utilize the wedding feast which would not bear postponement Then came the battle between the elixir i and tough old age in which the for- | mer was vanquished. She literally swam in the Brown-Sequard remedy but it didn’t phase her and our only reward was the withered smile of the bride of seventy years. The now youthful Hardcash tried hard to bask in her smiles but his basks were not a pronounced success. All grades of sheep were sacrificed in our mad endeavors at rejuvenation but the rejuvenescence that we looked for never came. Suddenly the. truth dawned upon me and my patient confessed that she was of the “She” family and for the last century had worked the Mutton-Brown-Sequard-Elixir racket upon herself with success. She had skipped back to sweet seventeen so often that the thing had almost grown monotonous but through the carelessness of her prescription clerk her last effort failed to drag her back to maiden- ' hood. She had now made up her mind that she was in for it. and further added that her darling Hardcash might i s well make up his mind that he was in and dispense with any foolishness about disparity of age for she had not buried her tenth husband without knowing how to properly manage that kind of property.”

UP TO 310 POUNDS.

HIS HEART FAILED HIM.

ALMOST SWIMMING IN IT.