Rensselaer Republican, Volume 22, Number 6, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 10 October 1889 — Page 3

THE OLD ,iyiAN MAKES A SWOP. I’ve swopped ther ole gray mere, Lizer, ’Nd gi’n ther cash ter boot ’Twixt her ’nd er peart young mule, Lizer,, * Thet’lljest my fancy suit. What! Sorry I swopped her, Lizer 1 Wal, wife, that’s povv’ful strange, I ’lowed yer’z tired ov her, Lizer, ’Nd like me, wanted a change! We’ve had her witli us so long, eh, Yer hates to lose her now! Wal. wife, its curus how wimmin ’LI hev seek feelin’s! Somehpw Whei: t comes ter tradin’ ’nd swoppin’, They're alius at a loss; Wimndn ain't meant fer bizness When't comes ter tradin’ er boss Now don’t begin ter cry, Lizer, i ’Nd go on in thet fool way ; Ets too late now ter be sniffin’— Ther ole mar’s gone ter stay! Now jest sort o’reconsider, ’Nd you'll 'low I wuz right In gettin’ rid ov ther critter VV ith sech er trade in sight. What’s thet yer say?— Whoa! —Lizer? VI hoa! yer infernal— Whoa!!! - ********** Good Lor! Wuz thet an earthquake Ez elevated me so! No! Now I recklect, Lizer, ’Twas thet air mule! Say, wife, I’ve got er kickin’ catapult!— Ther vvust trade in m’ life! • , Talk erbout sWbppin’ hosses! (I’m Sick ez sick kin be.) Ter think thet kickin’ varmint Could be worked off on me! Thet trader wuz er rascal! But sence I bring’t ter mind, 1 forgot ter tell him, Lizer, Thtr ole gray mar’ wuz blind!

THE SENATOR’S STORY.

A Hasty Speech for Which He Dearly Paid. “Well, said the senator, as he selected a fresh cigar and reached over for a match, “you may not think it, but I •came mighty near being hung once. The whole party started. Any one less likely to be accused of serious crime than our host—a distinguished lawyer and state senator of California —it would have been hard to imagine. “How was that?” I asked. “When I was a young chap I got my eheepskiti from Dartmouth, and as I had a few dollars, I made my way out to this state. I mined for a while, and then went to Sacramento, where I hung outuny shingle and waited for business. It was literally a shingle, too, painted by myself. Lsoon after met a girl, Polly Sinclair, the daughter of Robert Sinclair, a builder. There were not so many girls there then, and Polly had plenty of fellows after her. But somehow she took a shine to me, poor as I was, and I was as much in love with her as man could be. Her people did not like me, though, and naturally enough, too, for 1 was only a poor, struggling lawyer, and they thought Polly could do better. Her brother was especially against me. Poor Bob, perhaps I was to blame most in the matter. Anyway, Polly and I had found out that we cared for each other, and one night, when we were walking together, we met Bob. He began by calling me all the names he could think of, and my temper being none of the best, I got mad. - “Polly kept begging me not to quarrel, arid at last 1 turned away, leaving her with him. As I left 1 said to him that wo would meet again, when 1 would make him explain his words. “I was so excited that I could not go home, and I walked along the road for, I should think, live miles from the town. Then I turned and walked back, went to my room, and, being tired out, went to sleep. “In the morning I was waked up by the sheriff, and arrested for murdering Bob, The poor fellow had been found in the street with his head crushed in by a blow from behind, and every thing he had with him taken. There were.a dozen witnesses to what I had said to him and to the quarrel. No -one had seen me during the evening; my boarding-house keeper had not seen me come in, and altogether things looked rather black for me. The only thing in .my favor, and that was little enough, was that there was n otM-ng of poor- Bob' a f ound-in-my-pos- - sesion. -■ ——— —— —_l_ “Well, I was locked up in the old jail, and to tell you the truth, I didn’t see my way out of the trouble. Every one in town believed me to be guilty, and there was some talk about lynchingmo out of hand.' When 1 say overy one, I must make an exception. Polly, bless her, believed in me still, although her father was one of tho bitterest, naturaily enough. “I had been In jail about ten days, when one day the door of my cell opened, and . Polly came in—How she managed to potsuado Sheriff Hughes to let her see me, I do not know, butN'he did somehow. “1 am not going to tell you what sort of a meeting that was; I could not if I would. Of course, l .told her I was innocent of poor Bob’s death, and she sobbed out her belief in me as I held her in my arms. At last she whispered her plan to mo. I was to escape, and the dear girl shoved a file into my pocket as she talked, “No one, she said, in Stockton would ever believe that I was innocent; and if 1 did not run away I would be hung. As for herself, she would try to prove my innocence, and if she succeeded wo would be married. If not, then she would nevef mtU'ry any one else. Naturally, I said I would stand my trial, as I was innocent; but when Polly pressed me as to liow 1 was to prove this. I dul not know. She talked and begged, and at last I consented. So, as Sheriff Hughes enmo back, she had to leave PC, *‘t did not like the foo, but still T worked away with tho tile, and as tho bars were pretty poor stuff, I got out one of thejn. I crawled and reached the street, .and 1 then made my way along it towards the, edge of the town. I was to strike out across tho plains, kid jpg in the day-tiino and traveling at nights only. I reached tho open country, ami just about daylight lay , down to sleep ia a hollow between two _ rjflgj X coi.ld .not_ sleep long, however, and after a time I was lying there wide awake. I got so nervous at last that I made up my mind to go on, and started one© more. I had not been waHringr-tcry-■ dong, and, as um may suppose. I was taking advantage of every bit of cover that I could get, when I saw a long line of men riding Qver the plains toward me. With them were any number of dugs, for,

although we had no bloodhounds in those days, there Were lots of dogs who would baric at a stranger if they saw one. “Gentlemen, my heart seemed to stand still. Although I didn’t want to escape at first, now that I had, it seemed to me doubly bitter to be retaken. 'I do not kbdw how to explain it to you, but the second capture was far worse than the first. But what could I do? There wasn’t a tree for miles—there was no broken ground nor rocks to hide in. Nothing but that wide rolling plain, and that line of men slowly riding towards me. It made me feel sick. “I took the only chance F-had, and lay down in a hollow place where they might overlook me, and so 1 waited. I could hear the shouts of the men as they came nearer, hear the barking of the dogs, and I could do nothing. I tell you I seemed to fairly melt with perspiration. At last they came quite close. A dog saw me and began to bark. I sprang to my feet and as I did so a man fired at me and shot me in the shoulder, which is stiff yet. This man was John Bogart, the deputy sheriff. Of course there was no fight—l had nothing to fight with. Sheriff Hughes came up, put me on a horse, and back we went to town. This time I had shackles fastened to my feet. My case was worse than before, because every one _ was now sure that I had killed poor Bob. 1 tell you I paid dearly for that hasty speech to him. “Naturally my capture soon became known, and Polly, as she has told me since, was nearly beside herself at the result. She blamed herself for it all, especially as every one told her that my running away proved my guilt. The poor girl got sick- with anxiety and fear, and had to take to her bed. “Meantime, the time for my trial 7 was coming mighty near, and I do not believe that a juryman could have been found in Sacramento to sav that I was not guilty. In fact, any twelve men would have sentenced me without -Bearing the evidence. My shoulder bothered mo not a little, too, and Bogart, the jailer, used to tell me, with a grin, I must get well in time for the 'ceremony, ’ as he called the hanging. Cheerful, wasn’t it? “One evening, Polly, who was getting a little stronger, was sitting on the porch of their house, when she saw a man walking up the street. She has always said she does not know why she did it, but something made her follow him. She just eould not help it She did follow him down a by-lane, until he reached a hillock of sand just outside of the town. On the further side of this, she saw him dig some things up which he put into his pockets. Then, after filling in the hole, he made his way back, passing close to where the girl was crouching behind a pile of rubbish, so close that’ she recognized him. She followed him again, and saw him walk towards the jail. Reaching that building, he went into a little house at one side, and Polly crept softly up, and looked ■through a crack between two of the boards. “What she saw was enough to make her go to the sheriff’s house as fast as she could walk. Hughes had gOno to bed, but Polly insisted on his getting up and talking to her. When he heard her story, he put on his hat, went out and got three men he knew, and made his way with them to the house by the jail. Here they walked in, and quietly searched the room. “I suppose you have guessed what they found. All of poor Bob’s things—his watch, hlsßnoney, a revolver with his name on it, and his pipe were hidden away under a board in the floor under the bed. It was while they were looking at the things that a step was heard, and the door opened for a second. Befone they could jump, the man had tujjj«ea and run, only to fall into the amis of stout Mike Cassidy, the guard Hughes had left by the door, with orders to let any one in but no one Out; l and when they hauled the man back | into the room where the light was. -HttghesTradrthc-pleasure of looking nt his-awn deputy..and jail keap.og._Jhhn Bogart. “To make a long story short, Bogart was the guilty man, and ho took a, more prominent part in the ‘ceremony’ than he had anticipated. As it afterwards turned out, he s had embezzled some money belonging to tho county, and hearing that Bob had several thousand dollars with him which he was taking home, he had stolen up behind him in the street and crushed in his head with an iron bar. He might not have done it had he not heard of the quarrel between Bob and myself. In the morning, when the body was discovered, lie had suggested that I was the murderer, and, of course, the suggestion was tak|en up. He confessed everything before -he,.died- ... “The next day Polly insisted on telling me the news, and, naturally, she was allowed to. lam not going to say anything about that meeting, but after wo had been together an hour Hughes came in, saying he wanted to congratulate mo, too. It was not long before I was out oh bail, and people could not do enough for me. I got,eases as fast as I could take them, and it was not long before I was as prosperous as I had been poor before. As for Polly—why, if you have done smoking, we can join her in the parlor.” —Alfred Baleh, in N. Y. Lodger.

Sometimes You Can't Always Tell.

A Wise Man says: “A young man used hardly and roughly will be a toucher man in the end. ' Ho will go into the lire iron and come out sleek” That depends it great deal on whether he does or not. And that, again, depends largely on what the young man is when he goes in. If lie is simply basswood, and the very best quality, of basswood at that, when he goes .in, he ; goes in for good. Ho doesn't come!out j anything. I don’t know where he goes, but he doesn’t come out again. 1 It won’t do to put all young men into the fire. Unless the t<anj:■?ring process bo con sidered .a good Wa v to get rid 5T them. And then when you put the young man of Iron into the fire you don’t want to keep him there too long, or ytraTt spoil him. Iron will burn tv? well tie basswood, if you keep it on the |ire long enough. “How Ibng shall you keep him in then?” Qh, blesi you; how do I know? Ask the W!ar Man, 119 began it—Burdette.

A FEMALE CYCLIST.

How the Wily Machine Ban Away With an Estimable Lady. Bh© Took an Afternoon Outing In Central Park and Added Materially to the Attractions of that Interesting Resort. Among the many interesting things to be seen in Central Park, the past week, was my wife’s mother on a bi-; cycle. It was not her intention originally to enter into competition with the menagerie, but it’s a frozen fact that the two hippopotami were nothing to her after she got fairly started. I may add that the difficulty was right there—getting started. With the aid of two men and a step ladder my wife’s mother can climb upon a good, square-rigged horse with a stout leg under each corner of him, and do it so nicely that the beast will smile through his tears; but with dbicycle it is different. A bicycle has only two legs and neither of them-can be der dended upon to hold still in an emergency. She enjoys equestrianism very much because she thinks that it reduces her weight, but, as the matter of

TOO NUCH FOR ONE MAN.

fact, it is much more likely to have that effect upon the horse. As a friend of dumb animals 1 have advised my wife’s mother to transfer her affections to the bicycle. I told her that it was becoming very fashionable —so much, so that the newspapers had begun to libel celebrated actresses and others— Mrs. Langtry and Mrs. Potter imong the others by saying that they were experts with the wheel. I also told my wife’s mother that I knew of a girl who reduced her weight twenty pounds by bicycle riding. This was a fact. She broke her spine in three places and isn’t out of the hospital yet. I did not mention the latter part of this to my wife’s mother, because I wouldn’t be so mean as to spoil her sport with needless anxiety, as, after all, she micht live through this as she had through many other things that I had confidently depended upon. My representations decided her and she prepared for a gre it success on wheels. She did not care to appear in the park without preparatory practice, 30 she hirod a bicycle and had it brought to tho house. With this she 9xperimented in the hall outside the door of- our flat, during the daytime, when the men were down town. She did not learn to ride up and down stairs, though she went part of the way down once very successfully, but she acquired a pose which was somewhat easier and more dignified than if the bicycle had been a brush fence, though not much.Then she decided that it was safe to try the park. There is a place close by where women can hire bicycles, and there my wife’s mother asked for and. obtained one with a nigged constitution and a gentle disposition. She led the decile mnehine tn a secluded spot, where alia- thought to get a good start before sailing out before the admiring gaze orttre TnTrttTrade. Their ste Tried; to mount, but it wasn’t so easy there as in the hall with the bannisters to hang on to. She tried it till the machine got tired and then it lay down and she, fell over it. At the next attempt she put her foot through one wheel and sat down on the other one. At this moment park policemaii No. 13 hove in sight. I ‘‘Can I help ye thin wid that haythin machine, I duntio?” he inquired politely. “I cad ride real" well on my own bicycle,” said my wife’s mother with true feminine mendacity, “but this ugly thing lies down every time I look at it. ” “It looks daycint and docile,” said No. 13, “but the dayvil is in them things. I see a power of ’em every day, and the tricks jhey is up to, an’ why half the women in this town ain’t walkin’ round this minute with broken necks i 3 boyant me entirely.”

THEY ALL WANTED TO HOLD IT.

By this time No. T 3 had lifted up .the machine and was holding it on one side while my wife’s mother mounted on the other. Severn 1 spectators had strolled up meanwhile. My wife’s mother made a bold hasty step,and the bicycle took a tut toward No. 13. Tie dug iris toarmto the srma and tried to brace up under the load, but it was a little too much for him. Things began to look serious; My wife's mother let 'gO'hrrr grijv on the steering appCetua and Hung her arm 3 around No, 13’s tieek. He took a new grip on the earth at an increased angle. Several of the spectators offered advice, though there was really nothing to do but

trust Id providence. Wo. 18’s feet slip*' ped slowly out from under him; mjl wife’s mother attempted to fly, and succeeded so well that when she and the bicycle, after a short aerial performance, decended together they found No. lfi’s prostrate body waiting for them. He Was removed from under the wreck much broader, hut not nearly so thick as he had been before. Nevertheless the spectators of whom there were now a large number, re-, garded the affair as a great joke, and fifty or a hundred of them offered to hold the machine for nothing if my wife’s mother would try it again. Probably they thought that they could bluff her out. This mistake arose from not having had her in the family. She was in a condition of mind to ride that bicycle if nothing had remained of it but one wheel. Singularly enough, however, it was found to be substantially uninjured. About a dozen men then grabbed the machine while the female cyclist of our family proceeded to mount. They were insisted by one small boy who took hold of the rear wheel with the avowed intention of “steadyin’ de bloomin’ bike till de old lady hollered go.” He didn’t wait for the signal, however, but, as soon as my wife’s mother got her seat, he gave the machine a violent push which caused the slender man in front to sit down very suddenly— The cyclist, having by this time got a grip on the treadles, took a flying start and passing over the slender man lengthwise, proceeded on her way down hill. It isn’t very hard to run a bicycle down hill If you’re iu a hurry and don’t care how fast you go, and don’t get your feet mixed up with the treadles or run over a dog or meet anything coming up. Some of these possibilities occurred to my wife’s mother after the speed of the machine began to get away From her; and they destroyed her peace of mind. But nothing serious happened. She ran down the long hill beautifully, and her headway took her about forty feet up a short, steep incline that faced the other slope. She tried to continue her progress up this slope but it wouldn’t work. Instead, she began to gather speed in the opposite direction; so she gracefully alighted on her back, and picked up the machine which had run into a tree. She led the bicycle up the hill, and endeavored to look as if nothiug had happened. She was not wholly successful for her fame spread and there seemed to be people all over the place who wanted to hold the machine, and then see the fun afterwards. Among them was a large, fat patriarch who said that he was an expert. He really did understand the subject very well, for he put my wife’s mother on it without much trouble, and suggested that she should ride round and round on the level space at the top of the hill and not try to go down. She tried this plan and succeeded fairly well.

MY WIFE’S MOTHER UNDER FULL SAIL.

Meanwhile the expert strolled down the hill. Probably he knew that my wife’s mother would get down there eventually. She go! there sooner than he expected. For riding a bicycle a woman wears a round, full skirt, much like an ordinary riding habit but not so long. Now there-happened to be a good breeze on the eminence, and before my wife’s mother was aware of it her skirt had blown out like a great balloon and was sailing off with her before the wind, and the wind blew straight down the hill. Forty miles an hour was nothing to her speed at the moment when the obliging expert turned and saw her bearing down upon him. He was too completely taken by surprise to dodge, so he fled. A half dozen other pedestrians and several’dogs joined in the stampede. They made good time but it was no use; they couldn’t beat the air ship on wheels. The flying machine passed over the fat gentleman and ground his nose into the sand. The bicycle was deflected from its course by this collision, and made a jump for a sh idy nook where one of tho park gardners was eating his lunch silling on a board across two barrels. The bicycle went under the hoard, and my wife’s mother went over it. She took the gardner with her. He did not mean to elope but he couldn’t help it. He had no time-to reflect. They both landed in a large'tank which the gardener had been filling as a sort-of reservior. I’ndoubtedly if I had seen this event with all its breakneck possibilities I should have thought mvse’.f ih luck. But I wasn’t. My wife's mother escaped entirely uninjured, but the bicycle was a wreck and I had to pay for It. Still it is a fact that although bicycling is getti ntr -more fuslu wonjen. it has permanently lost its popularity in our family.

Hereditary Heredity.

i honest Indian, who had beer, among the while men long enough to learn how to shave his.fellow men. wit?rtft the pate of the 1 ov, ope-id a barber shop out in Cheyenne. Somebody; probably not a clergyman, hung a sign up over his door, the first nighC, which: i , ead,’“SnpedumtAlmirremoved while you wait.” And all next day tho patient barber wondered why nobody came near his shjt>p except a bald hended policeman who toitered behind a tree box over the way.-r-Burdette.; Rabbits are mercenary; when one marries he is sure of taking aharess.—Yonken Gazette. : : rr

A HORSETHIEF CLUB.

A Clergyman Tells the Story of His Connection with It. / A reporter for the San Francisco Examiner bad an. interview with Rev. Lawrence Grassman, who bad just returned from Japan. The reverend gentleman gave the reporter an account of his connection with a horsethief club in Nebraska. “Yes, indeed; I used to be one of the members of such a Club. I belonged to one for two years.’ I always did like a good horse, and when I first located in Omaha, I purchased a rather good animal I had just got fairly settled down when one day a man by the name of Strong called and asked me if I didn't want to join the Horse Thief Club. When I asked him the purpose of the organization he said it was a club to protect horse owners from the depredation of horse thieves. Yet the club went by its peculiar name, which expressed just the opposite idea it was intended to. He said as I had a horse I had better get in and join, and if my horse was stolen the club would send men after the thieves and recover the property. All this would cost me $1 a month.”

“I asked him if the taxes I paid to the authorities would not give me the same right. ‘Hardly,’ he said. His idea of the local authorities was very low. He said he never vet heard of a sheriff in Nebraska catching a horse thief, and that he believed that half the officers of the law in Nebraska were in with the thieves. Hence the necessity of a ocal club to protecthorse owners. Well continued the Rev. Grassman. I cone uded that my horse was worth protecting; I was duly initiated one night, the club meeting in an old barn. At first I thought I had fallen in with a pretty hard crowd, but when they began to talk I concluded that I had met asetofmen who had considerable good horse sense. They were rough men and wore old clothes,but they were good types of the honest, hardy frontiersman. They treated me with a rough, sincere courtesy, and during the meeting a motion was made to excuse me from active service on the 'Overtaking Committee,’ “To make a long story short, one night my beautiful bay horse was stolen and a special session of the club was oalled. I was considerably excited, of course, and was early at the meeting. The club had a short session and appointed William Strong and two otb< men as on ‘Overtaking Committee’ > trail the thieves. They mounted U; nr fast horses in about five minutes and, with revolvers strapped on, setoff in the dead of night on a smart gallop. In about ten days they returned and brought my horse back. That night the committee made their report. As near as I can remember it was as follows: • 'We, the committee, report that we ‘overtook’ the man who stole the horse. William Strong, Chairman.’ “Then they adjourned, and next day I had a talk with Strong. The conversation was about like this: “ ‘Where did you find my horse?’ “ ‘Down in Kansas; just across the line.’ “ ‘Did you find the thief?’ ... “ ‘We overtook him.’ “•‘Why didn’t you bring him bacit?’ “ ‘I said he was overtook.’ “-‘What do you mean by overtook?’ ‘Overtook -with tribulation, I guess he had liffM luck:’ “ ‘Did you talk with him about the sin of stealing?’ “ ‘Talked some.’ “ ‘What did he talk?’ “ ‘He t iked back.’ “ ‘What did he say?’ “ ‘Nothin’; he just sassed the committee. ’ ‘Did he talk long?’ “ ‘He quit sooner than we did.’ “ ‘Did you ask him to come back?’ “ ‘Naw.” I “ ‘You should have brought him hack and had him punished. Had you no idea 61 'arrestinghim?’'' “ ‘We hadn’t no requisition.’ | “‘So you allowed him to go away after this crime?” “‘Not by a jugful. No man goes away after he’s caught hoss stealin.” “Why not?’ “ ‘Cos he’s dead,’ parson—deader’n nits.’ “ ‘Do vou mean to say you killed him?’ “ ‘We plugged hi,m six times, parson, aud lie curled up alongside the road apd died right there. I hated to tell yer this ’cos you’re a preacher. ?T kept a figbtin. 1 yer off, but yer kept j cornin’ at me, and so now yer know j that the $lO yer put up helped pay ! the expenses of the overtakers; but j yer can bet high that there is no ex- \ pense to the undertakers. We all ( agreed to keep the killin’ back from ! yer, but yer pumped me and.. yer_ got tho inside of the"deal, didn’t yer?” “ Why, my dear sir, did you shed this man's biood?’ “ ’Loss he stole yer hoss. Wo run onto him early one morning, just beyond the Kansas line. When we rode up he was just gettin’ through breakfast He didn't like the look of us, I guess, for he up and snaps a gun at us CTrtStg 88 I rode up. Guess tins rainy night, had dampened the c ips, for she i didn’t go, but when I slung my ' Colt ! to the fore and plugged him a couple q£ times she wept, she did. J <ck and Andy plugged him' some, tot):' "We just left him layin' there in the road, and recoverin’ yer boss, come home. His rel lives are the proper pussons ■ to bury him* hut folks;that iiu'i no ki« to a boss thief oughten to monkey with his remains.”' The reverend story teller gave tiro recital will! an inimitable /drawl, and took off the queer frontier speech’ to the iifo. “I really felt sorry,’’ he continued, “that the man wii csLde lira horse was killed, for horse stealing is 'a sin that I always felt like forgiving a man for. ~ The sin of covetousness never touches ! my soul- except when-1 see- a- sleek, spirited horse. I can look on heaps of gold and feel no envy of the owner, on precious stones and be indifferenteven the - charms of hjvety women hardly move me—but tho sight of a fine, high stopping horse about fourteen bands high and a good chest, with clean legs and a springy motion when he walks, sets me aflame'with a dispoai-

tion to own him. lam kept back by s sense that 1 must not disgrace my family by stealing him, so, when I find a man who has no self control, no education, no moral training, I know that no has stolen horses and pity him for the possession of a passion that is morally his master. My good common sense tells me that if I should take another man’s horse I would be discovered and imprisoned. But if I ever got an idea that I could secure it without detection and my crime never be heard of I should—well, I should advise-rift* 1 : owner to keep his stable door fastened. Of course this Is not for publication for if such candid talk got into print my congregation in Ohio would say I was lacking in orthodoxy and the regular clerical dignity. You must recol* lect that clergymen while away from home dp not as a rule act as dignifiedly as when they are in their parish, and I am no exception to the rule.

Willy Vanderbilt's Row with His Chef.

Announcement of the-row between William K. Vanderbilt and his fIO.OOf chef is the sensation of tho hour and society is very much interested and amused, says the Newport correspondent of the New York Herald. Whether the chef, Mr. Joseph, was discharged, or whether he discharged Mr. Vanderbilt, is not definitely known, but certain it is that the rupture is irreparable and that M. et Mme. Dagniol will sail for Europe Wednesday, going directly to Paris. The trouble arose over a pair of partridges. Toujours perdrix never fails to cause trouble in even the best-regulated families and the Vanderbilt’s are not exempt from the common woes of humanity. These partridges were served in a manner that did not suit Mrs. Vanderbilt. “Take them away,” she said to the butler. “They are not good." “Beg parding, mum,” said that functionary, after a moment’s absence, and returning with his nose at a high angle over the derelict birds, “but Mooseer Joseph says ha 3 the birds his perfect.” “Then toll him they are not perfectly cooked, and keep them out of the room!” “Very good, mum." and returning again. “Beg parding, mum, but mooseer says ’e knows ’ow to cook.” Mr. Vanderbilt, it is said, now interfered, with the painful result already mentioned, paid off his chef, and in his best French said: “Bid me goodby and go.” M. Dagniol wentI found the deposed Frenchman at Pinard’s this evening, where he mad letting his pot of grievances simmer all over the place. I tried to skim him, but he was too angry to talk intelligible English and was too unnerved at his fall to speak credible French. “Ah, mon, Dieu! I have zee reputation to compose les menus les plus reeherches in Paris. Vas it for zis j’ai quitte la belle France and # le case Maire? An: nom de nom de nom*de nom d’une pipe! ltats, alors! “Mais,” pulling himself together, “vat you vill viz me? You vill me interview? Quo voulezvous que je vous dise? Allez done. Vous autres millionaires Americians, vous ne savez pas distinguer entre uu vrai supreme de valaiile et votre sacra pork and. beans. “Ouah! Abas la grade cuisine en Amqriquo! Je pars pour noble patrie.” Something like a bitter Gallic tear here glistened in M. Dagniol’s eye, and I gave the interview up as a bad job, after timidly suggesting to the dethroned monarch that some of the New York clubs were awfully in need of just such a cook as he seemed to be. “Trop tard, mon ami; mon eaeur cuisinier est ‘braise:’ ”

A Somnambulist's Performance.

Residing on the South Side, says the Chicago Herald, is a man whose physician has strongly advised him to in--dtdge io»-regttlar exercise This young man has been troubled with insomnia, aud is afflicted with anmnawhiiliam He believes, however, that he has the making of an athlete in him, and when he received his physician’s instructions he resolved to bring it out. So he had a horizontal bar erected in the back yard of tho house, and upon this he practiced daily. His principal feat | was to grab the smooth ‘bar with both | hands and swing around with great ! rapidity. One night the young man’s ! mother was awakened by the noise of ! a door closing. She arose and tiptoed ' toward the back part of the house, j Looking out of the rear window, she j saw her son, clad in his nightgown, revolving on tho horizontal bar with j lightning rapidity. Amazed at the spectacle of tho gyrating son and his flapping night garment, she aroused ; his father and told him about it. The ' old gentleman arose, donned his pants and went to the rescue. When he succeeded in stopping, the evolutions ot tfag flying boy he learned that he was : asleep, and that he had posed as a somnambulistic athlete. He awoke him with some difficulty and led him book ,to his bed. Now the young man has ! his parents lock his doors and windows f when he goes to bed: He is anxious to regain his health, but ho will not go so far as to do a horizontal act in his nightgown.

Sally Would Take Her Rest.

r Said a homely, bent little naan pathetically, when speaking oi tho mother of his children, who ljnd done her life work: -it Comforts nio powerfully to know that Sally wbuld alius , lie down every afternoon an’ sleep a bit. Soma folks tho't ’twas a dretful lazy habit, and ' twns no wonder‘we j didn't get rich faster, but she suited me jest as she was. Sally was a com- { fortabio sort of a woman jp havo around, never frettiq’ at a feller or faultin’-him wnen things didn't go right. ; When teeliq' troubled she’d often say. ‘Father. 1 beltpve I'll lie, down and rest for a\{ew minutes,’ an’ then baok she’d j come ’spry and chipper as a canary : bird, Sally didn’t drive audscold, but she w:i»n’t lazy, an 1 she brought up the youngsters to do their part I don’t see that dlivin’ women gets on one mite better than she did. It does comj fort me to know Sally would take her rest”