Rensselaer Republican, Volume 20, Number 22, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 2 February 1888 — Page 2

A L t-ToWN HUMORIST. t Ritttn’ ronad the stove lest night, Down m We-e» store, was me Abd Meet Str m.'let, Tank and White, Atvt Doe Bil)« snd two er three , I 1 ’ 1 ) > ' Fallen, of he Mudsnct tribe 1 ' . No us- trytn' to describe.. And sap D *.. he ears. s»ys he, "Talkin' ( ’bo»t r-od thi< g- to eat, Ripe mushmtllon s bard to beat!*' 1 chawed on. Aud Mart lie 'lowed W.iriennllj >n bent the mush, . |. "Re t," he says, ‘ and juicy—hash! ril )•«’ l-*ve it WITSe crowd I" Then the Mnd-ock ehap saphe, “Funkin'’* good enough L-r me— Punkin ph s. 1 m<-an." he exp. “Them beats’mlllons! What ray,WessT* 1 ehawed on. And Wess rap, "Well, Ym yes' feten tint wife of mine All ler wortermillon rine. And she’ll boil it down a spell—- . In with Rnruum, I suppose— And whate se, L rd only knows! But I'm here to tell all hands. Them p’servee meets my demands. I ehawpd*“- *nd White, he rap, “Well, I’ll j.-a’ stand in wlih WeraFmnohog!" And Tunk rays, “1 Gneus I'll pestur out on pie , „ With the Uudsock boyar sap he; wh»V«'yourh? iV he rap to me. f chawed on-fer—quite a spell. Then 1 speaks up slow and dry, •■Jee’ tobackerl” I rays, I. And you’d orto’ he> re ’em yell! —James Whitcomb Riley.

HIGGIN'S CONVERT.

Detroit Free Press. Hiram Higgins was a very good fellow and he quite acceptably filled the office of clerk in a dingy den in the city. He was a great theorist, was Hiram, and although he was a model clerk and very deferential to old Skinner, the head of the firm, he did not think that thia world was at all well managed. He Was a Socialist and one of the chief spokesmen of their meetings. He even spoke at the out-door gatherings on the London streets on Sundays and his one obj< ct in life was the making of converts to his theories. He sometimes held animated discussions ou Socialism in the third-class compartments in which he came aud went to his place of daily drudgery; when he could find listeners. Ooc evening on his way home he got into the usual argument and quite demolished all that was brought up against his theory. He thought the wealth of this country shou d be divided up. Why should any man come to the office in the city at ten and leave at four and have 10 000 pounds a year while he worked hard at his desk from nine to six for only two pounds a week? He had old Skinner in his mind, although he mentioned no names. On one listener only did he srem to make any impression. He was evidently one of the unemployed who was in hard luck. His clothing wag lagged and bad, and it was quite plain that he was ready for the. great divide whenever Mr. Riggins or any one else could bring it along. He interrupted Higgins’ talk with such remarks as “’Ear, ’Ear,” ‘'Bloomin’ right ye are,” “Neverspoke a truer word than that,” “Steve ’em bloomin’ well,” “Right, says I,” etc., etc. One by one Higgins’ auditors got out at their different stations, until Higgins and his convert were left alone. “I’m werry much oblig’d to ye, I am,” he remarked, “fur the way ye laid into them blokes. I get off at the next stop. I’d like to hear the end o’ that argy’ment, I would. Perhaps ye wouldn’t come jrith a pore man to his digging and have a sap o’ bitters? I like to ’ear ye talk, I do.” “Well,”said Hiram, much flattered, “I wouldn’t mind a pint of bitter, with • friend. Although we have only known each other less than half an hour, yet I think we may call each 'other friends. All the world should be friends.” “Right ye are, ray mate, and ’ere we are.”

They got out and walked together in the direction the convert indicated. Higgins gave himself entirely up to his guidance, while he himself talked unceasingly and found his traveling companion a good listener. “And arn’t ye ashamed to be seen a walking along the streets with a seedy bloke like me, mate? An’ you a nice dressed gentleman.” “I’m no gentleman, my friend,” said Higgins, “and I am Drop 1 to be seen with yop. I work hard for what I get, and little enough it is, I can tell yeu.” “Too bloomin’ little, says J,” replied the convert; “but think on a pore bloke like me, *oo earn’t find no work to do.” “It’s hard,” sighed Hiram, “very hard.” “But it does me good, it does, to ’ear a gent like you argify.” “I’m glad to hear yon say that. I like to meet inquiring minds. And, by the way, I’m going to speak at the open air meeting next Sunday in Hammersmith. I would like to have you come.” “I’ll come. I like open air meetings, I dneg” □ The two had walked along through a mass of disreputable lanes and narrow streets until they were near river. Here they turned into a “no thoroughfare” and from that into a court and then up a dark stairway. - ——- “Mind yer feet,” sa : d the convert as he led the way, “thia ’ere blooming stair’s bad, it is.” They entered a small dark room near the top and-Higgins could see that the ’WfiHW looEa 6TOr "tta river. “I’ll strike a glim,” said tne convert, and he lit * bit of sputtering candle

that showeffdimly a broken-backed chair and a rough table, on which stood an emptv beer mug and the remains of some bread and cheese on a cracked plate. \ “Sit down there," said the convert, and Higgins sat down. The convert put the candle down on the table and glared across at his guest “Now,” he began, “talkin’s your lay an’ workin's mine. What you’re a talkin’ of Ibe a practicin’ of. An’ what’s the odds? Where’s the difference? They puts the irons on me an’ puts me in quod, they does.” “Have you been put in jail?” cried Higgins, indignantly. “Why didn’t ybu let the secretary know and we would have helped you with the (and.”

“No, you wouldn't; cause why? You as does the talkin’ looks down on us as does the practicin’." “Oh, not at all," cned Higgins. “I assure you that ” “But I says ye does, I do. Now, some blokes has One argiment an’ some has another. Talk’s yours; here’s mine.” The convert took from his pocket a short implement loaded with lead at the end, and with this he rapped ominously on the table. “You argify an’ a man answers ye. I give him one on his nob an’ ’e never Bays a word back, ’e don’t You says we’re brothers an’ so says I. Now brother, I says di wide." “WKatVtfiitf”

“I Said diwide, I said. Why should you have a watch .when I ain’t got none? Why should you have good duds when I ain’t got none? You works for ’em, eh? I says ‘Bah.’ An’ what’s more, 1 says diwide.” “I don’t understand you.” “Then your 'ed’s thick, says I. Come; off with that coat and put it on this ’ere table.” The convert rapped again with his bludgeon and Higgins took off his coat. “Now, my mate, off goes my coat. Now off with that’ere veekut Leave that ’ere watch where it is. Now oil goes my veskut Now off with the rest,” “Then you are a thief,” said Higgins. “Some of ’em calls it that—some calls itdiwidin’.” While Higgins was forced to put on the discarded apparel of the convert the other quickly got into the clothes of the Socialist. He putehis hands in his new pockets and counted with great satisfaction 1 pound, 8 shillings, 7 pence. “I’ll call the police,” said the indignant Riggings as he looked at himself in the tattered garments of the con vert.

“Ob, will ye?” cried he other. “Now you call.” He went to the window and thew it up. “Call, an’ per’apa that bargeman on the other side will ’ear ye an’ per’aps ’e won’t. Then I gives ye one on the nob and down you goes into the water. They picks ye up down Grihnage way an’ there ain't no papers to iden’ify ye. Then they buries ye sommers. Are ye goin’ to call the police? fur the night air’s bad an’ I don’t want to keep the winder open.” “No,” murmured Higgins, “I will not call.” “Jess as you please, - mate. Now we goes down together. We walks alone respectable like. You open your guggle, an’ that minit you gets one on the ’nob. De’ yer ’ear?” “I hear.” “Will ye do it?” “I will not speak if you will let me get safely out of this.” “Werry good, mate, werry good. 1 ” The convert walked him down the stairs and out into the court, hurrying him along so that he could not recogn zs the place if he felt inclined afterwards to “Split on a mate,” as that gentleman phtih Having thoroughly mixed him up in the matter of locality the thief suddenly darted down a dark lane, and that was the last Mr. Higgins ever saw of his convert. * Mr. Hiram Higgins did not speak it the open air meeting in Hammersmith the next Sunday.

How Chocolate is Made.

Good Housekeeping. The chocolate that is so much esteemed for beverage, confections and pastry, is made from the beans of the cocio tree, that grows in the West Indies. The beans having been separated from the pods, they are ground to a paste, with sugar, between heated grindstones. When this is partly dried the air is pressed out and they are worked over to make an even texture and fine grain. While the paste is in the molds a blast of cold air is turned on and the glossy cakes are ready fpr the market. The French confectioners have no end of combinations that they make with chocolate and essences and other flavors. The English sailors and soldiers now get chocolate in the form of a drink two or three times a week. In England, however, much of the chocolate is adulterated, such substances as flour, starch, potato, lard, eh ilk, bran and old sea biscuit being detected.

Once in Four Years.

"No, Mies Smith,” he said, and he said it gently, but oh, so firmly, “it can never, never be. While I am sensible of the high honor you do me, and will always be a brother to you- “ Chestnut,” murmured Miss Smith, and George Simpson went out into the night. ' Whisky lowers the man and raises the devil

TEMPTATIONS OF GIRLS.

Allnrementa in City and Country— The Towns Wicked, But the ConnAtry Mot Altogether Moral. “ ■ —X Kiln Wheeler Wileox in St. Louin Globe Bern. All my life girls have made me their confidante. When I was myself a girl, they sought me for sympathy and consolation. Since my marriage thev have come to me for advice and assistance. It will be impossible in this article to more than touch upon the" various phases of temptations to which girls are subjected in this bad. but jolly old world. In fiction and in journalism, the country is al ways represented as a place morally and physically heathful for girls. The city alone is supposed to teem with temptations for the innocent and igno rant.

Without doubt the town offers more opportunities for folly and wrong doing. Yet human nature is the same, in its varying moods, its passions, and its weaknesses the world over; and there are phases of and causes for temptations in the rural regions unknown to the city bred girl. Youth is youth wherever yon find it Young blood flows swift and warm through pulsing veins. ’Ybung hearts long for companionship, young brains indulge in vague sweet dreams of pleas ure yet to come. A healthful yonng girl can no more be content with prosaic duties, without one day of pleasure to brighten her life, than a meadowlark can be content in a cage. To attend faithfully to the most common place tasks all day, to hear no word of praise for her labors, and to retire at 8 o’clock on a beautiful moonlight evening is little less than torture to a girl full of sentiment and undefined longings. Yet this is the existence of hundreds of country girls. The parents regard any hours spent m pleasure as so much lost time. They exact industry and obedience from their offspring, invite no confidences, and object to late hours of merrymakings. The young heart seethes in silent rebellion, and learns to hate its lot, and lives in hope that something will happen to give color to life. If the city idler, or the amorous farm hand, or the married seducer happens to find her in these rebellious moods, why then we read in the newspapers an item about the “Strange Disappearance” or “Uaaccountaole Mesalliance” or “Shocking Depravit”” of a hitherto quiet and respectable young girl. The heart-broken parents are crushed with shame and sorrow. They can not understand why their beloved daugntc. should go astray. Ah! if they had only shown her demonstrations of her their love, if they had only sought to know her secrets thoughts and longinga,if they made an effort once a month to give her a.few hours of pleasure, she .need not have gone astray. Feminine hearts are never satisfied with the love which only best owe food and bodily covering, and finds no tender expression. They crave something more than “good care.” The flattering praises of an unworthy admirer often win a foolish girl’s heart, which starves in the atmosphere of undemonstrative parental affection.

I personally knew a ease which illustrates’this point. A young lady of refinement, but born with that passionate love of music, color, and perfume which is so dangerous to its possessor, was compelled to live the mosr prosaic of lives. Her mother was a devout Christain, whose only command was that her daughter should attend church Sundays. Her father was a domestic tyrant who desired the lights put out at 9 o’clock, and objected to his daughters entertaining company. One superb summer evening—which the full moou rendered a pallid day—she walked down the quiet street to chat with a young lady friend over the gate. “I have been in the kitchen all day,” she said, “and I am just crazy for a drive in this moonlight. I teased father to take me, but he went off to bed and told me that was where I’d better go. I knew I couldn’t sleep, so I stole off to see yon.” Scarcely had she ceased speak ing when a handsome stranger passed, driving a fine equipage. “Oh,” whispered her friend, “there is that handsome commercial man again. I saw him down at the store to-day. He tried to flirt with me.”

“I wish he would ask me to take a drive,” said our desperate young lady. “I would go in a minute.” The man stared at the young ladies with bold, admiring eyes. There was something perhaps in the excited, passionate face of one which gave him courage to speak. He lifted bis hat and said politely: “A lovely evening. for a drive. I wish you young ladies would take pity on a lonely fellow, and accompany me.”

The calmer of the two girls turned away without replying. The other hesitated; the man s&w his advantage, pressed his invitation, ami despite her friend’surgent entreaties shedrove off with the stranger. She returned in half an honr declaring she had done a terrible rash thing, but that she had broken the monotony of life at least, and “no one needeyer know.” But it was found out, of course; the stranger boasted ot his conquest, and the girl’s reputation was tarnished forever.

Parents, in the country especially, are too-much afraid of praising their children. I believe it is better to risk t polling a child than to starve it to death. I have noticed that children who are freely praised for every task well per. formed and for every dutiful act, seldom bring sorrow into their parents’ lives. Mothers are too reticent with daughters on subj icts of vital importance to onr sex. Curiosity to investigate the mysterious causes many girls to read unhealthy books or converse with unworthy people who excite their imaginations and tarnish the purity of their minds.

In the country, children ramble home from school together promiscuously, and ever creative nature, reveals her mysteries to wide-open young eyes. If motheis would satisfy the natural curiosity of young girls regarding all these mysteries, and teach them to regard the wonders of nature with reverence, the temptation to personal investigation would be removed.

City streets teem with cheap opportunities for flirtations with unknown men who designs e themselves as “mashers,” Only the silliest or most depraved of our sex risk lives and reputations bi responding to them. A lady is seldom accosted or troubled by these men in the day-lit streets of New York. A handsome young girl who earns her living by newspaper work, which calls her into ‘all sorts of business offices, recently told me that she had never received an insinuating or embarrassing word or look in all her career

The profession of an actress is supposed to be more fraught with temptations than other vacations, but I do not know this to be true. in one of our large cities west of New York there was a young lady clerking in a dry goods establishment at the princely sum of 44 per week. Finding this inadequate to her personal expenses of board, washing and shoe leather, she complained to her employer. “What shall I do?” she asked. “Well, you know what some girls do to improve their situations,” he said,and left her to consider his words. Without doubt the managers of some theaters do abuse and misuse their power. Two pitiful cases have been recited to me personally within two years. One pretty young woman, who had been deserted bv her good-for-nothing, dissolute husband dee lived to make her really fine vo ; ee a means of support. After much hard i tudy and months of constant appearance in a small part, she begged her manager to give her a trial in a more ambitions role. He answered her that she was capable of better things, but he refused to advance her unless she sacrificed her self-respect to him. Bhe is still appearing in her unimportant role. < Another more recent ease was that of a young girl scarcely out of short dresses. She was almost born on the sta?e, and has played youthful parts from her childhood. She is pure as a lily-bud, and has blossomed into a lovely young woman who is anxious to make a success of her profession. When she asked a well-known manager to give her his influence, he promised to do so on condition that she gave him her honor in return.

Surely no hell fire eould be too ho* for such men. The girl is an orphan, and obliged to earn her living by the profession in which she was reared. The most dangerous of all temptations is that which comes through love. I know personally one case where a young man carefully and delicately won the. confidence and gratitude and love of a working girl by the most gentle of actions and a repetition of thoughtful kindness. Then, when he had made himself necessary to her life, he gave her the alternative of sharing his unlawful companionship or never seeing his face. The girl had the strength to send him away, but she never recovered from the shock to mind and body. Men temptwomen through their vani ty and affections. Women tempt men through their •motions er their ambitions. A clever young woman was d»droas of living in luxury and respectability. She worked night and day to improve herself, and became) a brilliant musician and linguist Then she threw herself in the way es a man who possessed money, but whose social ambitions were balked by an exceedingly commonplace and uneducated 'wife. The man made comparisons, and finally fell into the snare. The wife was divorced, and the scheming young woman shortly filled the vacant position.

I do not belive the Creator made man any more wicked than woman. Both sexes have the same impulses and emotion?. Women are compelled to fight against their own weakness and to combat those of men. Where ten women are tempted two only fait Where ten men are tempted, two only stand. And yet we are called the weaker sex. If the penalties for folly were as severe for men as for women, and if the world demanded as high mozaiity from them, they would be as good as we are. , 1 ' ' ."‘I The Saltan strongly urged W. K.Vanderbilt to undertime the construction of a system of Asiatic railways for the Turkish Government, and if he couldn’t do so, to ask Jay Gould to lend a hand .

CURRENCY

Detroit Free Frees. ’ Beats all how a fellow ean look back over ’B7 and see where a fellow made a fool of himself. Maryland has jailed a seven-wife man. He says any man who would live a bach- lor life is an idiot.

“The quiet girl never wears high colors on the street,” says an exchange. Just take a walk and pick out your quiet girl, will you? There are now six different painless methods of extracting teeth, aud every one of them is warranted to make a fellow believe his last hour has come. A California washwoman who was left a legacy of S7OO had twenty-two offers of marriage within a month. It’s the glorious climate, you know. In the year 1545 the royal head of France paid $3,000 to have a corn removed from his toe. The price to-day is only nity cents and warranted not to return. Some of the Indians have become such good farmers that their pumpkins cost hem only seventy eents apiece, and ey can raise turnips for about $2 per bushel.

Wolves are so plenty in Russia this year that no man has to go off his own and to be eaton alive. There are always certain comforts and privileges to offset despotism. At a pound party in lowa the other evening fifteen different people received pouhdings, aud w tea a local paper said the thing was a great success nobody could deny it.

A robber got into a farm house in lowa without disturbing the sleeping people, but a big dog tackled him and ore his throat so that he bled to death. He was identified as a Justice of the Peace. Boston complains that outsiders eome into the city and get drunk and are charged up to the Hub when they shouldn’t be. If Boston furnishes the I quor she shouldn’t shirk the other business.

Four sheep, a hog and ten bushels of wheat settled an lowa breach of promise suit where 425,000 damages were demanded. The lawyers got all but the hog, which died before they could drive it away. A Vernmont hunter broke his leg within forty rods of a fam house, and he shouted for twenty-two hours before ihe farmer came to the spot. He said he thought it was “them hogs” making a racket The lowest temperature in Vermont this winter was only 32 degrees below, and the old natives are scratching their heads and wondering if it'le last fail or next spring. The gate posts haven’t been heaved out of the ground yet. The raisin crop is 25,000 boxes short this year, and if the landlady works in a few peanut shusks and peach skins you will understand and appreciate hoi motive. That shortage must be up somehow.

A citizen in a Chicago suburb is uu-lku arrest for compelling his two boys to swallow a mixture of- molasses and cayenne pepper twice per day. His idea was to warm them up so they would not need overcoats, but they got sick over it.

EXCHANGE SIFTINGS.

Cut and dried—hay. A dancing bear—the ballet. A bicycle wheel, like a worm, will turn when trod upon. Pittsburg Chronicle: A two-foot rule —never wear tight shoes. “Tips" are expected everywhere nowadays, even on billiard cues. Book-markers with slips of paper for comments on what is read is a new Boston wriaklo. A Maryland man with seven wives has been jailed. The law sometimes helps a man out of a very bad scrape.

Cause for Regret.

“George, dear,” she said with a blush “do you know that Mr. Sampson asked me last night to be his wife?” “Well, I like his impudence. .The idea of proposing to an engaged young lady. What did you say to him?” “I told him that I was very sorry indeed, but he was too late.

Two Modest Girls.

Boston Budges. ‘lhave a girl,” says a JerFeyman, “that’s so modest she woudn’t even learn improper fractions in school.” My girls is more modest than that," retorted another. “Sue always goes into the next room to change her mind ’

Shitting the Responsibility.

Magistrate (to culprit)—Didn’t 1 tell you that if you ever showed your face here again it would go haid with you? O’rrit—Yis, jer Honor, but begorrs, I ettdtlent help it. It’s the policeman’s as alt, not mine.

Better Risk It Anyhow.

Old Bachelor (looking at new baby)— Er—rather small -and puny. Jim? lather™— Old Bachelor (encouragingly)—Still, Jim, if I were in your place I would try and rates it ~

A CHANCE FOR THE GIRLS.

Eighty-eight’s favorite flower—the poppy. To all the marriageable girls of ’BB— before you leap. Now, girls, this is your chance. Remember it’s four years before you get another. Sealed proposals will not do, girls. They must be open and in the presence of the dude’s mother.. It seems to be quite a fashion over the country to publish leap year list of eligible men in the different cuties. The fashionable waist this season measures fifteen inches. I That’s about all the dude has energy to clasp. Early Morning Caller#-"Where is auntie, Alice?” “She is up stairs in her nighty, looking over the baluster.” Dear girls in wishing you a Happy New Year, we hope that all may have buttons to sew on before the end of it ' Last year was named by many the jubilee year; but for the throng of attractive young ladies the distinction properlv belongs to ’BB. My lover la a baehful youth, And though he loves me well, Hope long delayed makes me afraid His love he’ll sever tell. New, I’ve resolved that, once for ril,’ This sort of thing most stop; The'grand leap year is here, And 1 am going to pop. Now let the funny fellows turn themselves loose on the refreshing subject of the old maid and her leap year opportunities. We do not hesi',B to Sts, That 1888 Is something very choice and grt For ladies who desire to mB. And when they meet their proper tt ' You bet we don’t exaggeiS When boldly we asseverS That not a woman will be 18 In gobbling up the temptii>g*M.

The Farmers and Banks.

Pittiburg Dispatch An old farmer of this county, who has never had occasion to borrow money in his life, was in town this week, and although he had no particular need for cash, thought, he would get a loan, «im ply because he had read in the papers that there was more money in the hanks than could be conveniently lent As luck would have it, he applied first of all at four commercial banks in succession. He was personally introduced at two of these institutions, and at the others he bore letters of identification from prominent dealers in farm machinery in this city. He was astonished >o find that not one of these banks cared ibout lending him a paltry SI,OOO. In >he end he went home without borrowing a cent. This story was told to an authority on financial matters and he said: , “The commercial banks do not care about lending money to farmers ai all. Farmershave the reputation of being very careless about attending to the dates on their paper. A farmer wifi borrow SI,OOO for three months, and will j ust as likely as not keep renewing the note for a year or two. He doesn’t bother himself about paying the principal at any given time, and the pretesting of a note doesn’t dist"'"’* soul a particle. At the same time principal and interest will be paid sure enough, when the farmer is good and ready to discharge the debt. Thaks why commercial banks who deal in short time loans and prefer to turn their money over rapidly, do not have any time to spend on farmers. Tbe savings banks monopolise the farmers’ business entirely as far as loans are concerned.”

A Dignified Body.

Washington special. There is quite a little ceremony for the new member of the U. 8. Supreme Court to learn. A Missouri lawyer, just after his first appearance in the Supreme Court, came out Into the hall saying, hi j a loud whisper, to the Congressman whe ■ accompanied him: “It beats the ’Pisco-’ pal Church all hollow. I thought they 1 ' never would get through with the rig-1 i. maruie.” ' . A At 12 precisely on the day of sitting ’ the justices come marching in from one I side. They halt in a row back of the red hangings which conceal them from the view of those in the court room. The crier, a tall young man, with bristling yellow hair, large eye glasses, and a j short chin, stands np and says in a eoK | emn voice: ’‘The Honorable the Chief Justice anq the Associate Justices of the Supreme, 1 Court of the United States.”

E very body imitates the crier in rising. Then the Justices step forward through the Turkey red hangings and stand in a long row facing the court room. They) wait a moment and then bow. Everybody bows. B- fore the bowing is over tbe crier is at hia song: ‘Oy*x! Oyerf Oyrri All persons having business with the Honorable the Supreme Court of the United States are admonished to draw near and give at tendance, as tbe court is now sitting.” The crier stops a moment, and then, lowering his tone, says: ‘God save the United States and this Honorable Court.” Everybody si's down. The little pfay is over. Business begins. Small Margins in Gold Mining. The Minister of Mines in Victoria, Anntralia, Mr. GiliieSy has calculated that 4 ustralia mined t<? the value of £2,HUbh) was nnnwi iaat- ax an a* penne of £2,358,680. Tbe profit in goldmining is as small as the profit in othsi things.