Rensselaer Republican, Volume 20, Number 11, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 17 November 1887 — A FAMILY'S BURGLAR. [ARTICLE]

A FAMILY'S BURGLAR.

Chiaago Mail. ~ Mr. Oohhleslmrv came home to supper looking very grave, and sat down to the table with one hand (irmly pressed, over his breast-pocket. “What have you got in your pocket, pa?” inquired the eldest daughter, MissEmeline. “Hush!” breathed Mr. CobbleMinry, as he felt irt liia pocket for the thirteenth lime in five minutes. “Burglars!” “Burglars in your pocket, pa?” cried inquisitive Marmaduke Cobblesbury, aged 14. “No, son,” said Mr. Cobbleßbury, gravely; “but I have SSOO which John Spriggs paid me after banking hours to<day, and it is highly probable that our house may be visited by burglars tonight. 1 * • Mr. Cobblesbury looked so solemn that the twins, aged 5, began to evince signs of induiging theii favorite amusement of weeping in one another’s arms. All the family excepting Charles Simon, the eldest son, who had just returned from college, looked very grave. “I have been expectiug a visit from burglars for many years,” said Mr. Cobbleepury. “It is strange we have escapArt IrmfF M “True,” asserted Charles * Simon. “Every well-regulated family nowadays

must boast of a visit from burglars before they ran take their proper position in society. I learned that in oollege.” Marmaduke thought jit would be a good idea to set steel traps in all parts of the house to catch the burglars. “What do the newspapers say?” asked Miss Emeline. Mr. Coblesbury could not remember having read any good recipe for catching burglars. Charles Simon thought he would write a book oa the subject as soon as he graduate'! at college. But the principal trouble seemed to be how the family were t& be awakened when the burglars came.

“‘The burglars will wake ns fast enough.” said Charles Simon. “But they might kill us first,” said Mrs. Cobbiesburry, innocently. “I read in a paper that the safest way was to fasten a burglar alarm to every door and window in the house,” said Miss Emeline. “That would be a waste, of money,” objected Mr. Cobblesburv, “for no burglar would break in at every door and window.” “Besides,” said Mrs. Cobblesbury, convincingly, “the burglars would steal trie alarms.” .

“Why can’t we put tar all over the front stairs?” inquired ’ Marmaduke. “Then pa and I could kiil them in the morning as we go down to breakfast, for all the burglars would get stuck on the way up!”

“I do not want to kill any depredator, if lie will surrender or leave peaceably,’’ said Mr. Cobblesbury: “The only arrangement is to arm ourselves to the teeth, and I will conceal the money in a safe place.” The family coincided with. this. Mrs. Cobblesbury thought that they should retire early in order to obtain some sleep before the burglars came. 'There was some difficulty concerning the armament required. Both Mr. Cobbleebury and Charles Simon possessed revolvers. Marmaduke took the firetongs and an old rasor and tied a leather belt around his waist. Miss Emeline procured a small package of red pepper to throw in the burglar’s eyes, but Mrs. Cobblesbury thought this would be cruel and her daughter compromised on black pepper, which would not be so strong. The twins wished to take the garden hose to bed with them, feeling confident that an icy stream of water would drive the intruders away. They were eventually obliged to be contented, however, with their pop-guns and a small tin pail filled with beans. When Mr, and Mrs. Cobblesbury retired the question arose, what should be done with the revolver? Mis. Cob* blesbury declared she should die; of ■ ■ ■ . ' 1

fright if the weapon were placed under the pillowß, and Mr. Cobblesbury finally drew up a chair beside the bed and laid the revolver a pan it. _ - “Shall we leave the gas burning?" inquired Mrs. Cobblesbury, nervously.” “Certainly Dot,” answered her husband. “The burglars wonld then be ensbled to move around with perfect ease-”. Accordingly they turned off the gas and retired. Mr. Cobblesbury, despite his years, was soon snoring vigorously, but Mrs. Cobblesbury could not sleep. In about an hour she shook her liege lord energetically, and adjured him to wake up. “Yes, my love!” cried he, leaping up, “give me the gun; I’ll fix ’em!” “No, no,” said Mrs. Cohbleshury. “It isn’t burglars -it's the pistol.” “What’s the matter with the pistol?” queried the husband, sarcastically. “Is the pistol sick ?” “I can’t remember the way you laid it, Samuel, explained Mrs. Cobblesbury, tremulously. “Didn’t you put it with the pointer part toward the bed?” “Well, suppose I did!” “Oh, Samuel!” cried Mrs. Cobblesbury, “turn, it around quick, it may go off at any minute and blow us all to pieces!” Mr Cobblesbury reached out sleepily and turned the revolver around. It was now aimed directlv toward her, fortunately, Mrs. Cobblesbury lacked the nower of seeing in the darkness and was comforted.

Several hours later, Mr. Cobblesbury awoke from a thrilling dream in which he had killed seven burglars singlehanded and was wading about in human gore. He awoke with a violent start and for a moment was hardly able to decide wheiher he was dreaming or not. Just a Bbe arrived at the satisfactory conclusion that he was thoroughly awake, a tremendous crash down stairs came to his ears. Rising in a high state of excitement,* Mr. Cobblesbury grasped the barrel of his revolver and felt his way cautiously along to the door, his h&art beating in a most reDrehensible manner. Unfortunately, as he gained the doorway, he stumbled over some object and struck the ioor with a shock like an amateur earthquake. Mrs. Cobblesbury had thoughtfully placed a chair against the door to impede the progress of the nocturnal prowlers. The noise awakened her, and he could hear her muffled voice from beneath the sheets, shrieking: “Samuel! Samuel! The burglars are here!” “So am I,” granted Mr. Cobblesbury, rubbing his injured foot absent-minded-ly with the butt of the revolver, on which he maintained a desperate hold.

“Have you caught them?” cried Mrs. Cobblesburv. “Is it Safe for me to get up?” ~ =* “Stay where you are and don’t move,” said Mr. Cobblesburv, as he limped into the hall, shivering with cold aud excitement. He was not afraid, but nevertheless began to feel a willingness to let the burglars depart peaceably, so he straightened up by the stairway and yelled at the top of his voice: “I’ll give you two minutes to leave the house! We are all armed to the teeth! Turn the night latch and run out of the front door! If you value your lives!” Mr. Cobblesbury could not help congratulating hjmself afterward when he remembered having made this speech. There was no answer, but a flash of light in the hall attracted his attention, and Charles Simon, Marmaduke, and Miss Emeline, ail half-dressed, appeared trembling on the scene. “Where are they?” cried Charles Simon and Marmaduke in a breath, one brandishina a revolver and the other a razor. “Down-stairs,” said Mr. Cobblesbury in a theatrical whisper. “Emeline, this is no place for you,” said Charles Simon, taking the light from her hand. “You knovy I have learned everything at college, and I know all about such things. Now, you ust go and get under the bed in mother’s room, and don’t let the twins make a single peep till I call you.” “But the burglars may come in and chloroform us,” objected Miss Emeline. “I have read of such things in the newspapers.” “Hush!” said Mr. Cobblesbury. “You all talk too loud.”

Miss Emeline vanished and was heard barricading the door. Mr. Cobblesbury then said that Marmaduke mnst go for a policeman. Marmaduke objected decidedly and begged to be allowed to live a little longer. “1 will go,” said Charles Simon. But it would never do to go downstairs among the burglars, and Mr. Cobblesbury looked perplexed. “I will swing myself out of * the win dow to the lower roof, crawl along to the kitchen, and climb »iown the grape arbor,” said Charles Simon. “I learned that at college.” Accordingly Mr. Cobblesberry and Marmaduke lowered Charles .Simon from the opened window to the roof below, and he agreed to give three whis* ties when he returned with the police. Mr. Cobblesbury then sat down the top stair with his revolver pointed below, and Marmaduke - crouched be- - side him with the lamp. It. was very chilly on the top stair. “Say, Em,” shouted Marmaduke at length, “give us a blanket; we’re freeamM”

"Several repetitions of this resulted in the door being opened a few inches and the required blanket was slipped out. Mr. Cobbleabnry and Marmadnke accordingly wrapped themselves up in aboriginal fashion and waited. “I declare,” said Mr. Cobblesbury, “if Charles Simon doesn’t return before long i shall go back to bed again.” 4 At this moment a tremendous racket occurred outside, which culminated in a violent ringing of the door bed and loudAcries in Charles Simon’s voice. “I tell you I ain’t a burglar,” shouted Charles Simon without. “You let me be! Pa open the door!" “They are murdering Charles,’’shrieked Mrs. Cobblesbury from the inner room, and Mr. Cobblesbury, dragging the half-frozen, hadlv frightened Marmaduke after him, ran down stairs and unlocked the door. “I am coming, my son!” yelled Mr. Cobblesberry. “Hold ’em off a minute longer!” . When the door was opened, however, the three policemen who had Charles Simon in custody had realized that he was not a burglar and released him As soon as they understood the state of affairs they accompanied Mr. Cobblesbury Charles Simon and Marmaduke through the house on a tour of inspection with a dark lantern. At tne dinning-room door they halted. A noise was plainly heard within. “We have them,” said one of the policemen, and he shut the door in a great hurry. He then gave an

order to the other two policemen, and all three drew their revolvers and fired through the narrow opening of thejloor, which was instantly closed again, “We will now go in and capture them,” said the head policemen, but nobody seemed to care about going in. One of the policemen said that the robbers were killed, of course, and it was useless to disturb the bodies before the coroner could he summoned. Mr. Cobblesbury did not think the burglars were all kille 1, as only three shots had been fired. If there had not been a large gang of them they would not have dared remain boldly in the house all this time. It was finally decided that all should rush in at once. The door was opened, the three policemen, Mr. Cobblesbury, Charles Simon, and, Marmaduke entered in triumph, while precisely at the same moment ah immense black cat leaped*

from the table and flew out of the room like a streak of lightning. There was no burglars, but some of the disaes on the table had been shot into small fragments. The policemen were very angry and debated whether it would not be wise to arrest Mr. Cobblesbury. Finally they marched off in high dungeon, just as Mrs. Cobblesbury,Miss Emeline. and the twins entered, “Where are the burglars!” cried Miss Emeline. Nobody answered. -“But the.money is safe,” said Mrs. Cobblesbury. Everybody looked surprised. They had forgotten all about the money. “The burglars escaped,” said Mr. Cobblesbury,“just as I was preparing to use my trusty revolver. The police spoiled it all.” As Mr. Cobblesbury uttered there words he flourished his weapon, and Marmaduke made adiscovery.“Why, pa,” said he, “there ain’t nothin’ in that pistol, and the trigger’s broke off, too!” Mr. Cobblesbury said never a word, but wrapped his planket around him like an Indian chieftain, and stalxed up stairs with a dignity that caused the family to gaze after him with feelings of speechless admiration. Hersbet Hall Wins w.