Rensselaer Republican, Volume 19, Number 41, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 16 June 1887 — HUMOROUS. [ARTICLE]

HUMOROUS.

Magistrate to a Witness —“What is your profession?” “A lawyer.” “Well, try to forget It while you are giving your testimony.”— Paris Figaro. “Mamma,” said a little 5-year-old girl, pointing to a turkey gobbler strutting around a neighbor’s yard, “aint that red-nosed chicken got an awful big bustle?” A Frenchman, in London claims to have discovered a certain root, which allays hunger and thirst. He probably refers to the root of all evil,— Boston Transcript. “You didn’t recognize me at the masquerade?” asked her, husband. ■“No,” she responded, “you were too steady on your legs. I never saw a more perfect disguise;” In a prohibition town; A tall, lank, red-nosed man came into a country :Story with a large jug, which he placed •on the counter with the remark: “I want a gallon of rum—baby's sick.”— Boston Gazette. The widows; Speaking of the dear •departed, one of them remarked with emotion: -‘-*1 shall never, never forget the date of his death, such a terrible blow it was to me!” “How long ago •did he die?” “Two or three years”— French Fun. It is said that the Socialistic element •of the Knights of Labor will ask Congress to revise one of the Ten Commandments so that it will read: “Four •days of six hours each shalt thou work, and have two holidays a week without a reduction of wages.” —Norristown Herald. “So your father was in the war?” said he. “Yes, he was killed at the battle of Bull Run,” she replied. “Where—er —was he shot?” “Ho wasn’t shot at all. He broke his neck running down the hill. War is an awful cruel thing, don’t you think so?” —New York Mail. “My dad knows more’n George Washington.” “Why?” “Cos George Washington couldn’t tell a lie, but my dad kin, for when I told him I hadn’t been a-fishin’ he said he knowed better, and thumped me for lyin’. He kin tell a lie the minute he sees one, you bet.’ '—Dansville Breeze. “You ought to be ashamed of yourself, a great big man like you, to be a beggar and a tramp. You oughtn’t to be afraid of work.” “I know it, mum, but I can’t help it. You see, my nurse frightened me once in a dark room when I was a baby and 1 have been timid ever since.”— New York' Mail. Clerk Silverstone—“Misther Schaumburg, in der future I vants you to dreat me mit more bolitenesses and considerashuns.” Boss Sehaumburg (indignantly)—“Y'ou van t more bolitenesses, eh? You tarn fool, yau tinks I pays you tervelve tollars a veek to make mashes on you, eh?” —Texas Siftings. Jane —Where be ye hurroin’ to Mary? Mary—Oi’m goin’ back to the milliner’s wid this beautiful new bonnet, and Oi’m tjiat mad Oi can’t walk slow, Jane. Jane —An’ phat makes ye take that lovely bonnet back, Mary? Mary—Wud ye belave it, the missus had the imperdence ter git one just loike it.— Tid-Bits. “Somebody were readin’out uv the newspaper whar dey done mek a law stoppin’ of free passes on de railroad. Now you reckermembers dat de mule road arfter dey done kill my husban’ gin me a free pass s’ long ez I was a widder. Es dat de way dey gwine do, taken uv folks passes away, I gwine git married agin es jest to spite ’em.” — Harper's Bazar. ■ ;;j; “Where have- you been all day?” asked Mr. Tret. “Down town,” replied bis wife. “Gossip and tattle, I reckon?” “No, sir: linancial politics; I’ve been reducing the surplus,” “You don’t know anything about it,” snarled the old man; “you’re just.like any woman when she tries to talk politics; you’ve been increasing the deficit, that’s what you’ve been doing.” — Burdette. _ ”