Rensselaer Republican, Volume 18, Number 44, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 8 July 1886 — To Young Men Who Want to Marry. [ARTICLE]

To Young Men Who Want to Marry.

Select the girl. , Agree with the girl’s father in politics, and with her mother in religion. • If you have a rival, keep an eye on him; if he is a widower, keep two eyes on him. Don’t swear to the girl that yon have no bad habits. It will be enough for you to say that you never heard yourself snore in your sleep. " If there is a bothersome little brother who has a habit of coming in just at the time you don’t want him most, and who takes great interest ih you, and makes unfeeling remarks about the shape ol your nose, take him regularly the latest Puck. Don’t put much sweet stuff on paper. If you do, you will hear it read in after years, when your wife has some especial purpose in inflicting upon you the severest punishment known to a married man. Go home at a reasonable hour in the evening. Don’t wait tilt the girl has to throw her whole soul into" a yawn that she can’t cover with both hands. A little thing like that may cause a coolness at the very beginning of the game. If you sit down on some molasses candy that little Willie has left on the chair, while wearing your new summer trousers for the- first time, smile sweetly and remark that you don’t mind sitting on molasses candy at all, and that “boys will be boys. ” Reserve your true feelings for future reference. - If, on the occasion of your first call, the girl upon whom you have placed your young affections looks like an iceberg and acts like a quiet cold wave, take your early leave and stay away. Woman, in her hours of freeze, is uncertain, coy, and hard to please. In cold weather finish shying good night in the house. Don’t stretch it all the way to the front gate, if there is a front gate, and thus lay the foundation for future asthma, bronchitis, neuralgia, and chronic catarrh, to help you worry the girl to death after she has married you. Don’t lie about your financial condition. It is very annoying for a bride who has pictured for herself a life of luxury in your ancestral halls to learn too late you expect her to ask a baldheaded parent, who has been uniformly kind to her, to take you in out of the cold. Don’t be too soft. Don’t say: “These little hands shall never do a stroke of work when they are mine,” and “You shall have nothing to do in our home but to sit all day and chirp to the canaries,” as if any sensible woman could be happy fooling away valuable time in that sort of style; and a girl has a fine retentive memory for the soft things and silly promises of courtship, and occasionally, in after years, when she is washing the dinner dishes or patching the west end of your trousers, she will remind you of them, in a cold, sarcastic tone of voice.-— Puck.