Rensselaer Republican, Volume 18, Number 26, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 4 March 1886 — An Essay on Wood. [ARTICLE]

An Essay on Wood.

Whatever use is made oi "wood it should be well seasoned, like an oyster stew. If it is not seasoned before it is used it warps—that is, it cracks,’and bends, and shrinks, like a country youth’s pocket-book at a county fair or pumpkin show. Wood in the rough is cut up into planks, deals, and so forth, by the saw and by machinery. There are also deals by hand in faro and keno. When a man sees you ope better, or cuts the wood, he is callfe'd a sawyer. Cut deals are generally used for flooring. They will floor any man who is not an adept at cards. Doors are generally made of 1 pine, sometimes of oak and mahogany, and at Joliet and Bing Sing iron is frequently used. When a man adores his wife the material is called smacks. The following rules for lumber merchants and timber rais-* ers have been prepared by an old woodchopper. Branches—Usually composed of an office desk, one chair, and a telephone. Leaves—A cashier in the act of departing for Canada. Boot Sometimes known as cash, rocks, or spondulix. Ghosts A young man from Indian Territory, with his pants in his boots and a broad-brimmed hat on his head. Stalk—Used by old dear-hunters in parlors and on the corners. Skin —A brace game in a faro bank. Bark—The noise made by a Peruvian dog. Trunk—Used to attack small, boys who carry peanuts in their pockets. Stump—Sometimes known as the fragment of a fragrant havana. Sapling—A tall, thin young man, who is generally greener than he looks. Elm —A slippery substance used to sprinkle the hill when the coasting is good. i Pine—The condition of an old maid too aged to secure a husband. Chestnut—A sort of joke discovered in the year one, by a man named Adam. -

Pear—A thing not quite as good as three of a kind. Ebony—The color of a negro. Hickory—A species of old-school Democracy. Ladder —Sometimes used to ascend to fame. Pith—Two words from the center of a four-column editorial in a blanketsheet. Planks—Used for walking purposes at sea. Circular Saw—Sure death. Beams—Small slices of sunshine. Timber Possible political candidates. ? Bench—A part of the furniture used in a court-room. Boards—The young man who advertises for a furnished room with fire and gas, where no questions will be asked. Law—A Species oLmsane advice Tike “early to bed and early to rise.” Plane —A dude in a woolen shirt and corduroy pants. Stick—A man who lives with his wife’s mother. —Will M. Clemente, in Goodall’s Daily Sun.