Rensselaer Republican, Volume 18, Number 11, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 19 November 1885 — MONKEYING WITH THE MAZY. [ARTICLE]

MONKEYING WITH THE MAZY.

BY BILL NYE.

Very soon now I shall be strong enough on my cyclonic leg to resume my lessons in waltzing. It is needless to say that I look forward to the great pleasure of that moment. Nature intended that I should glide in the mazy. Tall, lithe, baldheaded, genial, limber in the extreme, suave, soulful, frolicsome at times, yet dignified and reserved toward strangers, light on foot —on my own foot, I mean—gentle as a woman at times, yet irresistible as a tornado when insulted .by a smaller, lam perfectly fitted to shine in society. Those who have observed my polished brow under a strong electric light say that they never saw a man shine so in society as I do. I had just learned how to reel around a ball-room to a little waltz-music when I was blown across' the State of Mississippi in September last, by a high wind, and broke one of my legs which I use in waltzing. When this accident happened I had where I felt at liberty to choose a glorious being with starry eyes, apd fluffy hair, and magnificently moulded form to steer me around the rink to the dreamy music of Strauss. One young lady with whom I had waltzed a good deal, when she heard tliat my leg was broken, began to attend every dancing party she could hear of, although she had declined a great many previous to that I asked her how she could be so giddy and so gay while I was She said she was doing it to drown her sorrow, but her little brother told me on the quiet that she was dancing while I was sick because she felt perfectly safe. My wife taught me how to waltz. She would teach me on Saturday and repair her skirts during the following week. I told her once that I thnught it was brainy to dance. She said she hadn’t noticed that, but she thought I seemed to run too much to legs. My wife is not timid about telling me anything that she thinks will be for my good. When I make a mistake she is perfectly frank with me, and comes right to me and tells me about it so that I won’t do so again. A friend of mine says I haVe a pronounced and distinctly original manner of waltzing, and that he never saw anybody, with one exception, who waltzed as I did, and that was Jumbo. He claimed tliat cither one of us would be a good dancer if he could have the whole ring to himself. He said that he would like to see Jumbe and me waltz together, if he were not afraid I would step on Jumbo and hurt him. You can see what a feeling of jealous hatred it aroused in some small minds when a man gets so that he can mingle in good society and enjoy himself. I could waltz more easily if the rules did not require such a constant change of position. lam sedentary in my nature, slow to move about, so that it takes a lady of great strength of purpose to pull me around on time. I had a partner once who said I was very easy to waltz with. She moved about with wonderful ease and a poetic motion that made my legs stand out at an angle of 45 degrees when we turned corners. She told me to trust her implicitly and she would see that I got around on time. My feet only touched the floor three times during the dance, and one arm has been a little longpr thap the other ever since that time. Most of the other dancers left the floor and watched us with great interest. Finally I asked her if she didn’t want to sit down .and fan herself till I could get her a glass of water. She said no, she didn’t feel fatigued at all, and then proceded to whirl me around some more. In makes me shudder yet to think of it. Every time the old bass viol would “zzzt, zzzt, zzzt,” she would schrunch my shoulder-bades together and swing me around like a wet rag. I~then usked her if she would not be kind enough to take me home to my parents. I 1 looked her in the eye and begged her to remember her father. He, too, was a man. “Ah!’!, said I, “do not taka advantage of your ‘ great strength. Perhaps you have h brother. How would you like to hav*e him fall into the hands of a strong woman and be kidnapped, so that you would never see his dear face again ?” She then relented and led me to a chair. I told her that my friend who had introduced us had not pronounced her name distinctly; might I ask her once more, so that we could, some day, dance again. She smiled joyously and gave me a large, stiff, thick, blue card, and left the room. It read as follows:

Sec : Row :The Homan Electric Wonder. Seat : Retain this : ■ check, as it ; secures your : Admit One. seat. :

—Chicago Times. He Might Have Stolen SIOO,OOO. After a brief pause, the banker who had told no story said: “I can tell you a true story of a young broker’s clerk who, from deliberate honesty, threw away an opportunity to steal SIOO,OOO, when he knew that he would never be detected. When George I. Seney was speculating heavily in railroad securities, he had a large amount of bonds hypothecated with a first-class Wall street firm. The bonds bore interestpaying coupons, and under the terms of the hopothecation, Mr. Seney’s clerk was to have access to them every six months for the purpose of clipping the coupons. The clerk was known to the broker’s firm. One day when he dropped in to cut off some coupons the hy-’ pothccated securities were handed to him, and he was left in one compartment of the offices. The firm, of course, retained in its possession a list of all the hypothecated securities, which it was accustomed to - compare with the securities returned by the clerk. On this particular occasion the clerk found infolded in Mr. Seney’s package other good, negotiable bonds of the value of SIOO,OOO. They had evidently got mixed up - with Mr. Seney’s securities through one of those unexplainable mistakes that happen very rarely in broker's offices. “The clerk cut off the coupons that he had come after and restored the package of securities to a representative of the firm.' The extra sloo,oooof bonds had been slipped into the

coat pocket. Mr. ’Seney’s securities 'were compared one by one with the cheek list and fonndto be all right. “ ‘ls everything there?’ asked the “ ’Oh; yes,’ said the broker, as he prepared to put away the box.. ’Everything is as straight as a string.’ “ ‘You are sure that there were no other bonds in that box ?’ “‘Perfectly,’ answered the broker, with a confident air. ‘We never gets things mixed here.’ “‘Well, how about this SIOO,OOO of bonds?" asked the clerk, drawing the' extra securities from his pocket. The broker recognized them instantly,.aud mentioned the name, of the person to whom they-® belonged. His astonishment knew no bounds when the clerk told him where the bonds had been found. The broker said that he would have sworn in court that those identical bonds were in a certain place in his private safe. The clerk was asked to accept SIOO as a souvenir of the occasion, but he declined." ~~ “That fellow will get away with a million yet,” said the a bfisk, natty banker, as he put on his hat and started for the car.— New York Times.