Rensselaer Republican, Volume 17, Number 2, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 18 September 1884 — NTASBY AS AN ORACLE. [ARTICLE]

NTASBY AS AN ORACLE.

The Ex-Postmaster Devotes a Few Minutes to Answering Questions of Correspondents. _____ ■ '' • i [From the Toledo Blade.] Contedbit X Roads, / fWich is in the State uv Kentucky), Auct. 21, 1884. ) I hev receeved sum thousands of letters from my Dimocratic friends from all parts uv the kentry, wich, ez 1 cannot find time, or postage stamps, to answer persnelly, I do thro the jnejum uv the publik press. <• I wood seiest that Dimocrats wich git ther frends to write me queries on politikle matters shood enclose a stamp or two to enshoor an early reply. Bascom don’t use stamps, but he kin sell em to Pollock, and Bigler, and the iron mill over on the Run, and he sez he will take em uv me tur drinks, fur to go to the trubble uv turnin uv em into money is better than to charge up wat I consoom. Hereafter no letter will be answered wich does not coh’tane at least one 5-cent stamp. 1 kin yootilize era, as Bascom hez agreed to make one 5-center the price uv one sustaner, 1 layin down the stamp jist afore he sets out the bottle, to prevent mistakes. Mr. Bascom hez a strong desire to sell his likker, but he lacks faith in hooman nacher. He wants cash afore he sets the bottle out, ' wich is generally inconvenient, es the man who hez the liveliest thirst is the identicle feller wat never hez the cash. Thirst and cash seldom goes together. Thirst is no respecter uv persons. It comes alike to him wich kin pay for asswagers and him wich can not. Credit is the mainstay of indivijjles ez well-ez-uv States. But Bascom is not a politikle economist and don’t understand the principles uv things. But to my answers: Young Dimocrat, Poseyville, Injeany: Fur Jim Blane to have his ton go about visitin Boards of Trade, and sich, and gittin his name into the noosepapers, is takin a unfair advantage of our noble standard barer, ex-Sheriff Cleveland. It is not shivelrous. Grover Cleveland hez a son, it is tnoo, that is, he is presoomed to hev wun, though he sez it isn’t certain, precisely, ez wich uv the four its father reely wuz. Anyhow, Sheriff Cleveland’s son isn't uv that nertikeler kind the father uv wich would keer to hev goin about the kentry claimin to be his son, owin to the unforchnit circumstance that he wuz born when ex-Sheriff Cleveland wuz a giddy, wild yooth uv only 42 summers and about the same number uv very hard mlnters, and he wuzn’t percisely married to his son’s mother. The Rev. Henry Ward Beeeher doesn’t mind a little thing like that, and, in the interest uv purity ignores it, but he isn’t eggsactly quotable authority on sich delikit matters. He knows how it is himself, and his word don’t count. While ex-Sheriff Cleveland is ondoubtedlyjnnocent in this matter, Mariar Halpin is ondoubtedly guilty. Apply to this case the same rool that Plymouth Church did to Mr. Beecher. - a Stump-speaker, Smithville, Injeany: From • wat 1 Know uv the kentry yoo live in, I shood advocate Tariff Reform, with a decided leenin to Perteckshun. 1 think yoo hev coal in your visinity, and that yoor voters are largely interestid in manutaktrin. Es 1 am kerrect that is wat yoo want to do. Es, on tue other hand, I am not kerrect, and yoo aie purely agricultiel, and yoor people are not pertikerly intelligent, insist that Dimocrisy means tariff reform with a decided leenin toward freb trade. Yoo know wat yoor people want Constroo the’ platform to soot em. The platform wuz made to be constrood; construktid, in fact, so that Henry Watterson and Sam Randall kin both stand on it. J. L., , Missoory: Wat part uv Missoory are yoo in? Es yoo are in a seceshn naberhood, insist that Hendrix wuz a out and out seceshnist, and reed his speeches durin the war to yoor awjinces. Es yoo are in a Yankee-naber-hood, insist that he wuz merely an upholder uv the constooshnel rites uv the South, but he wuz ez loyal ez anybody, only differin with the beest Linkin ez to methods. Whether yoo reed his speeches doprin the war to your awjinces or not depends entirely on the kind uv people yoo arc talkin to. However, insist upon reform strenuously. Strikt Purity, Kokomo, Injeany: Ex-Sheriff Cleveland hez no past but Mariar Halpin. His record is a boy of about 11 yeers uv age, wich his name it is Oscar Folsom Cleveland. ExSheriff Cleveland wuz a thotlis yooth uv’42 yeers uv age when this hapjiened, it bein one uv the pardonable excesses uv a mere boy sowing his wild oats. I’ay no attenshun to the exSheriff’s p;ist. In fact. I ain’t shoor but wat it wood be well to assert that he never wuz a Dimocrat; In most si-ckshuus uv the kentry that wood be to his credit, and wood go a grate way toward inspiring confidence in him. I wunst knowd a man wich hed too much respect for his wife to ever stay at home. Let us be ekally magnanimous to ex-Sheriff Cleveland. He is comparatively noo, and ther aint no yoose in saddlin our record onto him. Persn,?] Liberty : Read ex-Sheriff Cleveland's letter u'v acceptance and yoo will be sati-fied. The question uv likker don’t properly enter into this campane, but the ex-Sheriff hez put himself on record ez inflexibly in favor uv everything in the way uv tree whisky everywhere. Urge this in the wh sky shops and beer 'sloons, but say nothin about it anywhere else. Fiat Money,” Cass, Pa.: The poesislien nwthe Dimocrisy on the money question is the same ez on the tariff. Es you will tell me wat yoor voters want I will answer definitely. I shfiod jedge from your letter that yoo bleevein fiat money. Es lam right then I hev to say that the Dimocrisy holds that a dollar is anything yoo choose to call a dollar. Paper makes perhaps the best dollars, becoz printing is now very cheap, and paper still cheaper. Paper, sootable for money, kin now be hed for about 16 cents a pound. All we want is for the Government to buy paper and print onto it "this is a dollar,” with the cut uv a dog watchin a safe to inspire confidense, and then pass a law compellin people to take it for a dollar, and thar you are. Manufakturer, Westerly, R. I.: The Dimocrisy hez never hed but one ijee ez to money. Money means wat the world recognizes ez money, gold and silver. To print “this is a dollar” onto a piece uv paper don’t make it a dollar, even though you put onto it a cut uv a dor watchin a safe. The printed dog and safe ain't no more a reel dog and safe than the paper dollar is a riel dollar. The Dimocrisy is for honest money. ' ‘‘Honest Count,”- Ashtabula, Ohio: The Dimocrisy will insist that the colored voter in Misslssippy shel hev the same rites at the poles ez ifis white brethren, Dimocrisy will pertekt the rites uv all, under the Constotooshen, without regard to race, color, or previous condlshn uv servitood. That’swhat Dimocrisy will do. The safety uv the colored man depends onto the eleckshun uv Cleveland. Shot-gun, Danville. Vlrglnny: Uv course 311 inferior race should not be permitted to exercise the rites uv freemen. That belongs to the proud Cawcashn. However, while your course uv killin niggers to pervenc ther takin charge uv yoo is kerrect, it wood perhaps be polisy to restrain yoorselves till the mornin uv the eleckshuh, so that the report uv your shotguns shood not be heerd north afore the poles wuz closed and the postofßses be sekoored. Be ye ez wise ez serpents, es ye don’t jist take to the dove racket. Indignant Independent Republican, Bustville, Mass.: The Presidenthez theappointin-uv postmasters, and the refoozle uv the Republican party to give yoo the offls in your village wuz, I make no doubt, an outrage. After Cleveland is elected I will remember your name and address. Uv course you cannot support an impure man for President. Put in your best licks for Cleveland. * » » » * ♦ I hev many more to answer, but will reserve them for fucher occasions. My correspondents will not forget to enclose stamps. Silver kin go by mail, but stamps will answer, Bascom, ez I sed, hevin aereed to take em uv me across his bar. Petroleu.m V. Nasbx (Instructor).