Rensselaer Republican, Volume 16, Number 40, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 12 June 1884 — Page 2

A POETICAL PRESCRIPTION. RECIPE—SPIRITS FBUMKNTL Q. 8. Please Rive to the bearer thein-named potation; He's a pretty good chap, though humble his station. The fluid he craves is known M"fru»entum," And mv name at the bottom will tell you who sent him. The letters “q. 5.," to be vfry expllci*, Is a medical dodge and means quantum sufficit. . But if for a faithful transla ion you pray for, It is simply th s—give him all he can pay for. His case is severe, so please don't refuse it; He's a member of the church and knows how to use it. Please don’t fail to honor this,my first requisition For I'm sound on the goose, and an old-school physician. 1 —Jones, Jf. D-, in Asbury Park Journal. LITTLE Git FIN. . BY F. O. TICKNOB. Out of the focal add foremost fire. Out of the hospital's walls as dire; - Smitten ot grape-shot and gangrene, (Eighteenth dhttle and he sixteen!) Spectre, such as you seldom see, Little Giffin of Tennessee. "Take him and welcome him,” the surgeons sa'd; "Little the doctor can help the dead!" So we took him, and brought him where . The balm was sweet in the summer air, And we laid him down on a welcome bed— Viter Lazarus, heel to head! We wa'ched the straggle with bated breath— Skeleton boy against skeleton Death. Months of torture, how many such! Weary weeks of the stick and crutch. And still a glint of the steel-blue eye Told of a spirit that would not die. And did not; nay more, in Death’s despite, The crippled skeleton learned to write: “Dear Mother," at first, of course, and then “Dear Captain," inquiring alwut the men. Captain’s answer: "Of eighty-five ■ . Giffin and I are left alive." —Word of gloom from the war one day: “Johnston is pressed at the front," they say. Little Giffin whs up and away; A tear —his first—as he hade good-bye, Dimmed i he glint of his steel-blue eye. “I’ll wri: e, if spared!" There wj s news of the sigh t, But none of Giffin—he did not write. I sometimes fancy that were I a king Of the princelv Knights of the Golden Ring, With the song of the ministrel in mine ear, An i the tender legend that trembles here, I wonld g.ve tne best on his bended knee, The whitest soul of my chivalry, For Little Giffin of Tennessee! —The Current. -'

STRAPPLE'S BOY.

There never was an uglier boy than Strapple’s son. He was so ugly that no one ever referred to him as John Strapple, but as Strapple’s boy. He had a red head, eyes that did not seem to have been sufficiently lighted, ears that stuck straight out, ihotly complexion, hump shoulders, “slew” feet and a w alk that caused people to turn around in the streets and look at him. There were many boys of attractive physical condition that were more vicious than Strapler’s son, and there were certainly young fellows at school that were more stupid than he, yet Strappier’s boy, solely on account of his “shape,” waslookedupon as both vicious and stupid. The boy was painfully conscious of the cloud under which he lived, and it never occurred to him that he was designed for anything but to be ugly, until he suddenly found himself in love with the prettiest girl in school. To fall in love with a handsome girl seems to be the fate of an ugly boy. Of course he cannot help this, and certainly no one, especially the girl, thinks the less of him for it, yet his efforts to appear graceful, his premeditated smile and the care he takes in washing his hands almost up to the wrists, only tend to bring his homeliness into bolder relief. Strapple’s boy bore the affliction manfully. He tried to persuade himself that he was growing better-looking, and he carried a small round mirror in in his pocket—mirror through courtesy, for it was only the top of a blackingbox— to assist him in noting the progress he was making in that direction. Sometimes it would seem that he had made a great jump, and again, with the too critical eye of a lover, he noted tis increasing ugliness. Once he smiled at Minnie Scaler, his divinity, but she turned up her nose at him. This crushed him, and his appetite weakened under the blow. Ned Peters, the school bully, noticed the facial performance, and of course turned it to account. Ned was a handsome fellow, with snapping black eyes and hair that kinked all over his shapely head. He was a favorite with the girls, and the teacher—an old maid of much experience —often called him a little rascal and kissed him. “Let me see you smile,” said the handsome boy, approaching the ardent lover on the playground. “I want you to let me alone.” “What'll you take to grin at me like youdidatMinnie?” Strapple’s boy blushed, took off his hat with a feverish hand, put it on again, turned and walked away. Ned followed him. “What’ll you take—” Strapple’s boy wheeled around, struck Ned in the face, knocked him down and beat him unmercifully. The entire school arose in indignation. “The idea,” said the teacher, “for a great, big, good-for-nothing boy like Strapple's to beat little Ned,” although any one could she., that Ned was the larger. “He shan’t come to my school another day. Go home, you good-for-nothing thing.” • Strapple’s boy went home, and shortly afterward a note came from the teacher. The contents of this note were never known to the boy, but the fact that his father proceeded to administer severe punishment, led him to suppose that the communication was not of a friendly nature. After much sorrowful meditation, Strapple decided to send his son away, and shortly afterward the unfortunate fellow was posted off to a distant institution of learning. Here hexemained for years, not even coming home during vacation, for there never had been but one person in his native place whom he cared to see,, and even she had turned up her nose at him. He went into the law after finishing his scholastic course, and probably never would have gone home again, had he not received a letter announcing the illness of his mother. The people were all surprised to see a man of such fine form, for the boy had not neglected his physical education. After the recovery of his mother, ‘ the young lawyer accepted an invitation to dine at the house of old man Sealer, father of the once petulant Minnie. She wm, of course, more beautiful than ever, but not nearly so capricious, for when Strapple’a boy smiled at her, she smiled in return. After dinner, while

the young couple were alone, Strapple’a boy asked: “Do you remember the time you turned up your nose at me?” “What! I never did such a thing.” “Yes you did, when I smiled at you.” “Why, arn’tyou ashamed of yourself to sit up here and tell such a big story ?” “ Well, never mind.” “But you musn’t accuse me wrongfully.” * “I don’t accuse you wrongfully, but let it all go. jßy the way, what has become of pretty Ned ?” _ “He’s a guard at the penitentiary. He- drove a cart for a long time.but bls friends secured the penitentiary position for him, at a salary of thirteen dollars a month.” “Is the woman who taught our school still alive?” “Oh, yes, and is doing remarkably well. She married old Absalom Snarlwinder. His business is good, for no longer ago than yesterday, she told pa that he had already contracted for as many wells as he could clean out this season.” t 1 “You haven’t told me anything about yourself,” and as she blushed, he could see the paint and powder on her face. “You don’t want to known anything about me, do you?” “Yes, or I would not have asked.” She sighed deeply. “You haven’t heard anything, have you?” “No; what is there to hear?” “Nothing, only people always said I was in love with somebody.” “With whom?” “Can’t you guess?” “Don’t think I can.” “With—oh, you know.” “Swear I don’t” “With—yes, you do, you rascal * “Upon my honor I do not.” With you. There now, Mr. Smarty.” The young lawyer understood the situation. He saw the shallow insincerity of the woman. “I am very sorry to hear this,” he replied, arising and looking earnestly at the blurred picture of his youthful devotion, who seemed to grow ugly under his gaze. “When I was a boy I loved you. but because I was ugly you turned up your nose at me. Beauty may be proof against a slight, but homeliness is sensitive. So long, fair maiden.” Strapple’s boy married Jane Woopatch, who was once the ugliest girl in school. They now own the finest house in’ Arkansaw. Old Scaler’s daughter married a dog catcher.— Opie Head, in Arkansaw Traveler.

English as She is Wrote.

A Rochester lawyer has brought home from Italy the advertisement of the “Vesuvius Wire Railway,” which contains some amusing examples of “English as she is wrote.” The following are illustrations: Carriages belonging to the Wire Railway Company are only allowed to stop on their way for momentaneous repose of the horses. No drinking money is due to coachmen. At the interior station on Mount Vesuvius passengers will receive a centerticket and conformly to its order’s number they will take place in the train. The train is composed of ten passengers. Those who willingly loose their turn cann profit of the next train always when there is an empty seat, but can not pretend a special train. The company is not responsible to foreigners who would serve themselves of guides not belonging to the same, or Having no number. Guides have to behave themselves most politeful towards foreigners in showing them all the particularity of the crater to accompany them during the assent and descent and bring them round the crater, but are not obliged to follow’ them in the dangerous locality of which they will be advised. They, are not obliged to gather stones or to do impressions unless they have not bargained w’ith them before. ~ The station’s buffet is provided of all things that travelers could desire at the same prices fixed by the company. The station’s telegraph-office is opened to the public, and telegrams can be wired to all destinations at the usually tariff. Foreigners can retire from the Naples office photos acquired on Mount Vesuvius and will even be brought to their residence if they require it. In this case a receipt will be given to them for their relative payment, and which will serve at the same time to control and retire the articles acquired. Shakspeare Sold the Use of His Name. Now, William Shakspeare, loved and' loving gentleman as he was, is understood to have been very shrewd in money matters. None knew the ’meaning of poperty better than he. Had he not been so, and rightly so, his father would never have stirred outside the door; the Lambert mortgages would have remained unpaid; nor would the Quineys have swarmed around for their kinsman's crumbs, and nudged each other to look up good things where he could place the wealth they saw him hoarding. Is it not, therefore, impossible to supppose him ignorant of or indifferent as to the cash value of his own name? Is it not quite as impossible, again, to believe that, if printed at his own instance, he allowed the publisher to dedicate the book to a friend; that if dedicated to either of his own patrons, Pembroke or Southampton, he (Shakspeare) was unable to write his own dedication: or, writing it, asked his publisher io sign it? If the escape from these difficulties is not by way of assumption that Shakspeare sold the use of his name to the printers of anonymous poetry precisely as he is known to have sold it to the printers of anonymous plays, then tho e difficulties are hopeless indeed I—Manhattan Magazine. Wire lath and glass shingles are now being manufactured, and by and by it will be so'that a dutiful father will have to go cleat up into the primeval lumber camps to pick up something with which -to caress his erring boy.—, Burlington Hawkeye. ■ There ate 419 type-setters, beside the apprentices, ii the Government Printing Office. ’ ~ Heavy late suppers are fashionable in London.

AGRICULTURAL.

Sheep Husbandry.—l have been engaged in sheep-raising for fourteen years. In this and all old settled prairie countries 300 to 400 sheep do well. 1 One hundred per cent gross profit is a fair statement. The profit diminishes 10 per cent, per 100 head as you go ever 100. My flock has ranged from 300 to 1,000. I put up annually 100 pounds of prairie hay and one bushel of cotton seed to the sheep, and have good shelter provided.—Correspondent, Navarro County, Texas. Acorns, Chestnuts, and Beechnuts. —I have had some experience with planting nuts. I find that acorns, chestnuts, and beech-nuts and that class of nuts lose their vitality without allowed to become dry. I keep chestnuts and horsechestnuts, for spring planting, in moist sawdust in a cool place. I place them in the sawdust as soon as gathered. Nuts thus kept and planted in the spring have succeeded well. It is drying, not freezing the nuts, that prevents their sprouting when planted; at least my observation so teaches me. —Samuel Broad, Paicnee County, Kansas. Persimmon and Sassafras Suckers. —I have found that the following treatment will kill persimmon or sassafras suckers; in a word, it will kill any tree. Cut off the suckers close to the ground in the spring, then Again about the Ist of July; cut again in the middle of August. At each cutting be careful not to lose any green leaf. The next year the growth will be very feeble and cutting them will kill it out entirely. Destroy the foliage repeatedly and you are bound to destroy the life of the tree. Of course there may be roots that are missed one season which will come up the next, but care should be taken not to miss one.— C. C., Cooper County, Mo. Compost for Tobacco. —I cannot speak practically of any formula, except the following one, for tobacco; it is splendid and many of our largest farmers are using it extensively. I have not heard of a man who has used it but says it is the best fertilizer he has tried. Some of us have been afraid it might keep tobacco growing too long on rich land for it to yellow sufficiently before cutting it, but it yellowed last season beautifully and in good time. The formula is as follows: 1,000 pounds of stable manure, mould, etc.. 300 pounds sulphate of potash, 100 pounds sulphate ammonia, 100 pounds sulphate magnesia, 400 pounds dissolved bone and 100 pounds land plaster. No general rule can be given about the amount to be used per acre. It should vary with the soil, from 400 to 500 or more pounds per acre.— S., Milton, S. C. Farming Too Many Acres.—ln a recent journey through a good portion of the State for agricultural purposes we are more satisfied than ever, from the observations we were enabled to make, that it would be better for the farmers to cultivate less land and to work it more thoroughly than they do how. If they would be satisfied to farm a fewer number of acres, and put as much work on the less number as they do now on the whole, they would make more money and make it easier than they do in cultivating so much land, and in consequence of so much ground to go over it cannot receive the consideration it should. We no doubt that the more grain produced to the • acre the less it will cost per bushel. Farmers in many instances do not consider the difference between a bountiful and a small yield. With less acreage in crops, the better opportunities are afforded the farmers to bestow more work on that which is in cultivation. It is seldom that a man who has 500 acres in crops gets as good a yield per acre as the one has who cultivates 100 acres.— Minnesota Tribune. Good Butter.—lt requires care, taste, and good judgment to make good butter. The milker must be cleanly, the handling of the milk must be careful, the vessels pure and clean. The churns must be scalded and kept sweet. Churning must be done quickly with the temperature of the cieam about 63 degrees Fahrenheit. Never pour cold or hot water to get the required temperature. Use artificial heat, as top of range, or in ovens—any place where it will gradually get warm if too cold, and if too warm, put in cold or ice water. The flavor of butter depends on the flavor of the food to a very great extent. Mouldy cellars spoil butter or milk. Feed your cows good food, free from strong flavors, milk quickly and always cleanly, keep your milk in cellars free from mold or vegetables. churn quickly, don’t keep cream over three days, and scald and keep clean all your Vessels. If farmers make these directions a part of their dairy gospel, they can sell their butter from five to ten cents per pound more than their neighbors who do not follow them. Regularity in feeding is more important than is usually appreciated, with horses as weW as with milk-producing cows. Wholesome food and sufficient quantity at stated times is essential to healthful growth and efficient service. The amount of rations is governed by The age of the animal, and whether at work or idle. No rule in pounds and ounces of hay and grain can be laid doWn for any horse, and the one in charge needs good judgment to keep the horses in a strong and healthy condition. A knowledge of the requirements of a locomotive would help many horse owners to a better understanding of the laws of feeding. The amount of coal, water, etc., depend upon the easy movement of every part of the engine and upon the work being done. The horse is an engine, and, more than that, because it is a living creature and has additional wants. Plenty of food and are only a part of the needs of a horse. There should be a comfor&We' stable and all those little attentions which add so much to the health of the animal. Good grooming is essential to good digestion. Cleanliness of the skin is as necessary for the health of a horse as fqy that of a man. The irritation of the brushing stimulates the healthful functions of the skin; but the brushing may be too severe. There is strong objection to the use of a harsh curry comb. If a good stiff brush is used daily there will be no use for a wiretoothed comb or other harsh imple-

ment.' The rubbing of the “running gear” of a horse is as essential as that of an engine.

HOUSEKEEPERS’ HELPS.

Cocoanut Cake.—Take an ordinary amount pf dough; one cup desiccated cocoanut, mix thoroughly; bake in three layers. Put together with frosting in which has been thoroughly mixed one tablespoonful cocoanut. Frost the cake; sprinkle, the top heavily with cocoanut. Kohl Slaugh.—One head of cabbage minced fine, to two hard-boiled eggs, two tabTespoonfuls of salad oil, two teaspoonfuls of white sugar, one and onehalf teaspoonfuls of salt, one teaspoonful of pepper and made mustard, one teaspoonful of vinegar; mix all together thoroughly. Lemon Foam.—Beat well togethei the yolks of six eggs, half pound of powdered sugar, two grated lemons, half ounce of gelatine dissolved in cold water. Simmer over the fire until quite thick. Beat the whites of the eggs to a stiff froth, add them to the mixture, beat together and pour into molds. Potatoes ala Creme.—Put into a saucepan three tablespoonfuls of butter a little chopped parsley, salt and pepper to taste. Stir up well until hot, add small teacupful of cream, thicken with two teaspoonfuls of flour, and stir until it boils. Chop some cold boiled potatoes, put into the mixture and boil up once. Chocolate Gake.—Take the whole of the dough; half cup of grated sweet chocolate beat together thoroughly* bake in three layers. Put together with frosting in which one tablespoonful of grated chocolate has been thoroughly mixed; frost the cake; sprinkle chocolate over it as heavily as you like, or put chocolate creams at regular intervals over it. English Plum Pudding.—One half pound currants, one pound raisins, one half pound of beef suet, butter the size of an egg, one nutmeg, two teaspoonfuls of lemon. three-fourths of a pint of milk, a little salt, flour sufficient tc stiffen, mix well together; put into a bowl and bake four hours; cover the bowl with a cloth. Sauce: Three tablespoonfuls of corn starch, one half pint of milk, one half cup of sugar, one tablespoonful of butter; boil five minutes. Confectionery Cake.—Take one of three parts of dough, flavor with lemon; divide this into three parts, bake two of these parts in separate layers, and to the remaining third add half a cup of molasses, one cup of chopped raising, one teaspoonful of cinnamon, one teaspoonful of lemon, one teaspopnful of ground cloves, one cup of flour. Beat thoroughly, bake in a layer. Put these layers together with frosting, the fruit cake in the center. Frost the top. Baked Apple Dumplings.— Peel and chop fine tart apples, make a crust of one cup of rich buttermilk, one teaspoonful of soda and flour enough to roll; roll half an inch thick, spread with the apple, sprinkle with sugar and cinnamon, cut in strips two inches wide, roll up like jelly-cake, set up the«roll on end in a dripping pan, putting a teaspoonful of butter on each; put in a moderate oven and baste often with the juice. Use the juice for the sauce, and flavor with brandy if you choose. A sauce of milk and butter, sweetened and flavoredyis mostly preferred.

Similar Sayings.

It is strange how many persons are credited with uttering similar witticisms. Lord Eldon is reported to have said of Lord Brougham, “If he only knew a little law, he would know a little of everything.” Unfortunately for the originality of the author of this witty saying, Louis XIV. of France, as we learn from Prof. Mathews’ “Illusions of History,” is credited with a moi that resembles it. Passing out of chapel after a sermon by the Abbe Maury, Louis remarked, “If the Abbe had said a little of religion, he would have spoken to us of everything.” English history records that Nelson thus wrote to the ministry, after the Battle of the Nile, — “Were I to die at this moment, more frigates would be found written on my heart.” Read this along with “Bloody Mary’s” exclamation, at the loss of the last foothold of the English in France, “When I die, Calais will be found written on my heart,” and the impression is that Nelson was a plagiarist— Youth’s Companion.

Wanted to Feed a Dog.

Five minutes for refreshments was shouted by the brakeman, and as he knew the train always stopped at "that station for that purpose, he understood the meaning of the brakeman’s utterance and got out and proceeded to the counter. He gazed at the sandwiches, but they had evidently been made that day; he glanced at some cold beef, but it was evidently well cooked and healthy, so with the fowl and the bread and the pies. Even an apple turn-over didn’t appear to have been made over a week and hadn’t got the real dangerous look to it. “Nice railroad restaurant this is!” he growled. “What's tlie matter?” asked the proprietor. ' “Ain't you ashamed of your food ?” “No, sir; it’s fresh and wholesome; what are you growling about ?” “That’s what I’m growling about! I want to get something of the real rail-way-restaurant sort, to feed to a dog a man has got in the car there, so the brute will die.”— Boston Post. Would Pay More Attention Next Time. At a'marriage celebration the bride was requested to sign her name in the register at the sacristy. Excitement caused her fingers to tremble; she took the pen, signed and made an enormous ink-blot. 1 “Must Ido it over again ?” she blushingly asked her husband. “No, I guess that will do, but —” “Oh, don't scold me! I will pay more attention next time!”—Frenc/i Fun. The term, dude has a different meaning in different localities. In the Far West a dude is a man who mixes water with whisky. - _

LIFE IN SOUTH AFRICA.

Experiences In Cape Town—The *l>:amond Melds—How the People Live. A Brooklyn, N. Y., traveler thus details his experiences during a three years’ residence in South Africa : “I landed at Cape Town,” he said., “This is a place of 40,000 inhabitants, threefourths of whom are blacks or h Malays. The Malays have seven wives apiece; that is the most interesting and unfor tunate thing that can be said about them.- The other quarter of the population is European. A small cottage there containing four or five rooms will cost $45 a month; a good-sized,, dwelling will cost three times that sum. Coal is sls a ton; meat, from 15 to 25 cents a pound; whisky is 20 cents a drink; imported ale $1 a bottle. At the restaurant a good meal can be had for 25 cents, consisting of such things as roast beef, mutton chops, soup, bread, butter, coffee, rolls, etc. In October, November and December there are terrific gales that sweep over the town. The drivers of vehicles wear green spectacles on account of the dust, and the women, at the approach of the hurricane, sit down promptly for fear of sailing skyward like so many balloons. “I went to South Africa as a trader, speculator, and spent much of my time—in fact, the best part of —in the back country. Of course, I visited the diamond fields. They are in the hands of the two companies, English and French, who have from the Government the privilege of working the mines. They are not doing much in them at the present time on account of the prevailing dullness in the diamond market. The mines are worked by blacks, and I suppose there are about 2.000 at work at the present time, about a quarter the numder that could be found there when times were good. The superintendents and better class of workers live in houses made of sheet-iron; the common delvers in small brushwood houses. Some of the houses have three rooms and a kitchen; some have only sleeping places or bunks. The Zulu Kaffirs live in the meanest kind of huts. They only work long enough to earn some money with which to buy guns; then they go back to their country, four hundred miles away, and engage in warfare with some of the branches of their tribe. There are twenty-one tribes in Zulu Kaffirs. The workmen have few chances to steal diamonds themselves, but they have been known to slip one of the valuables into the pocket of some visitor in the hope of seeing him later and arranging with him as to its sale, and the visitor has had the diamond found on him by some of the officers and been promptly sent off to the western coast, there to work from ten to twenty years on the breakwater they, are building in that section. The workmen were once paid $1 a day; now they do not get so much. The officers wild oversee them used to get from $25 to SSO a week ’ now they get from sls to $25. “I rode into the back country on a cart, keeping the west coast and endeavoring to trade with the natives for skins, ostrich feathers, and other goods, which I would dispose of to the arriving vessels at Cape Town. The country is dry and barren; there are plenty of stones, but no trees; the tallest bushes are not over four feet high. At the numerous rivers, w here they cross the roads, you will now and then find a tree or two standing together near the banks. You will often meet wild animals, tigers, leopards, hyenas, jackals, monkeys, and elephants, but they will not molest you unless you attack them ; on the contrary, they are afraid of a human being, and will, unless ravenously hungry, run away from you. There are plenty of poisonous snakes there six feet long, which jump at you and bite you quickly, if you are not on the lookout for them. The natives eat the meat of the buffalo and the buck, and hunt-the wild animals for the sake of their skins, tiger skins tanned being about $9. “It is very hot there in the summer season, and in some parts there is a great scarcity of water. Witbin one hundred miles of Cape Town you will find a nice country and water enough, but beyond that it is very dry. In the winter time, when the rains come and swell up the rivers like a flash, as you might say, you would think yon would be drowned. The water comes quickly, and at the moment wipes away everything within its immediate reach; but the country is as dry as ever within a few hours. In the hottest season it is 126 to 130 Fahrenheit; in the shade—that is, such shade as there is where the sun’s rays strike directly it is from 150 to 154. Ihe moment the sun rises it is hot; the moment it sets it is cool. People cannot, of course, work all day in such weather; they stay in the house from 10 to 3, but of course the heat does not affect them so much as it does a newly-arrived foreigner, and after awhile, if he is strong and healthy, can stand it pretty well. “The country is sparsely populated, mostly by the Dutch and Germans. The Dutchmen do not till the soil, but confine their attention to the raising of sheep, oxen and ostriches, making it a special business. “If a farmer is rich the children get their schooling "from a private tutor he hires to live on the place. Of course there are no public schools, and the farmers are generally many miles apart —at a distance say of half a day or a day’s walk.”

Paying a Debt.

Jones —I snv, Smith, old fellow, I don’t want to bother you, but I wish you would pay that $5,000 I loaned you some years ago. Smith —But you don’t need it. Jones—No, of course not ; but you see I might happen to die, and I have no right to deprive my heirs of it. Smith —Oh, in that case we can soon arrange matters You just get your life insured for that amount in my favor. Jones—ln your favor ? Smith—Yes. and then, don’t you see, when you die I will draw the money and give it to your heirs.— Philadelphia Call. ■ ____________ Our happiness and success depend on being where we belong.— Talmage.

PITH AND POINT.

An exchange calls a hog a “porcine quadruped.” No wonder that the kink in a pig’s tail is too limber for corkscrews !— zNewman Independent Original jokes will be received when accompanied by a five dollar bill, not necessary for but as a guarantee of good faith.— Chicago Sun. Two Newman men are so stingy that when the minister announced that “Salvation was free,” they immediately - went forward to get it— Newman Independent Some man utters the following bit of wisdom: “It is better to love a man that you can never marry than to marry a man you can never love.”— Carl Pretzel’s Weekly. Matches are made double-ended in Mexico. This enables a smoker to burn twice as many fingers as formerly while lighting a cigar, and increase his knowledge of Spanish profanity.— Paris Beacon. Some of the nice young ladies who are in the habit of using slang will be shocked to hear that the word “gosh” so often used when practicing at the piano or when trying to sharpen a lead pencil, is the worst kind of swearing. “Gosh” means “My Father,” and was used by Elliot in his Indian Bible.— Peck's Sun. Says a French investigator: “A bee, in proportion to its size, can pull thirty times as much as a horse.” The Frenchman is right. The bee, however, can" push 100 times more to the square inch than it can pull. One good healthy bee has been known to tackle a man on the back of his neck, seated on the back seat, at a camp meeting and send him clean through the congregation, without anything being able to stop him. SHE REFERRED HIM TO HER PA. Her fairy form Her modest face, Her charming air, And winning grace Enchanted all The lads In town. And each one loved Jemima Brown She oft was called - - - - The village pride, And for her love I long had sighed. I said I’d know No joy in life, till she’d Consent to be my wife. She blushed quite red and said “Oh, la,” and then referred me te Her pa, His manner was both rude and rough, and when he spoke his tones < Were gruff I asked him then in accents Bland to give to me his daughter’s hand For answer he gave me his foot encased Within this cowhide boot! —Somerville Journal. He tumbled into the depot behind a blooming nose, that glowed through the smoky twilight as red as a red, red rose. He came to the ticket window, and thereunto he froze. “Hie, Achent, gif me un teeket.” He threw his breath like a sledge. It knocked the student out of his chair, and onto “the ragged edge,” hit the agent where he lived, and broke his temperance pledge. “Gif me dot teeket, I told you. I can’t schtood here all tay.” “Where to ?” asked the agent, meekly. “I goes auf der train avay.” “To what place shall I sell you a ticket ? Where are you going, I say?” He drew himself up proudly; he climbed upon his ear, and, in a voice of thunder that froze the crowd with fear, yelled: “Maybe dot’s some off your beezness.—Texas Siftings. “Yes," said Dumley, “I served three years in the war of the rebellion, and if I do say it myself, I made a good soldier.” “You have a very soldierly bearing,” said young Brown, admiringly. “So I have been told,” replied Dumley. “Even to this day.” he continued, “strains of martial music will set my pulse bounding, and like a warhorse, I scent the battle from afar." “Were you ever wounded, Mr. Dumley ?” asked Mrs. Simpson-Hendricks, considerably excited. “N-no,” be said, “I never was; I was very fortunate in that respect.” .“Yes, indeed.” ventured _ young Brown, “a gunshot wound is an ugly thing. I suppose you can attribute your good fortune to your nose?” “What has my-nose to do with my not getting wojmded?” demanded Dumley. “Why its—its abilitv to scent the battle from afar, you know.”— Philadelphia Call. .

Night in Ceylon.

There is no twilight in Ceylon. When the sun sets, darkness falls suddenly upon the earth, and the stars shine out as if some hand had turned on the starlight. And it is thick darkness, too; so thick that an anthropological speculation is born in my mind, that the dark complexions of these people are due to the primitive survival of the night-like. A Shinghalese man is invisible against the night, and the tread of his bare foot is inaudible. The lighter, more visible varieties of their race would have been killed off by invaders and wild beasts, and those who mimicked the night would be passed by. In addition to this the predatory class wonld be successful in the proportion that, as is said in the book of Job, they were marked by the night. The Colombo coachman will not drive a step after 6 o’clock unless his lamps are lit, lest he should run over a sleeping native. This darkness lends a special beauty to the bungalows of the rich, which appear illuminated, the rays from their lamps, shining through the foliage in a mystical way, especially if they be cocoanut-oil lamps, which give a soft, spiritual light.—Moncure D. Conway.

Sunshine.

The mental, moral and sanitary influence pf sunshine can not be too highly over-estimated. Window drapery is an effective addition to the furnishing of a room, but let the glowing light find ready entrance to your homes. Full many an invalid has found a healing balm within the golden flood, and . merry children frolicking by the way- 1 * side seem of those „ “Who feel the dear God on His throne, Sending H s sunshine thiough the shade.* This most gracious gift of God is free alike to all, and “Whether through city casement comes It-kiss to thee in crowded rooms, <■ Or out a-rone the woodland bloom, It freshens o’er thy thoughtful face, imparting, in i f s glad embrace. Beauty to beauty, grace to grace." - 5 ——“ . , -.~f . . Hope the best, get ready for the worst and take what c<?mes cheerfully.