Rensselaer Republican, Volume 16, Number 29, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 27 March 1884 — Page 6

TUK KOMKUVD. • • • Twm »iroJrten bnd »he irwre ma Am we p»rtert *t the door, , t In (b* fljMb ot early sunset. Ah, the perfect charm It bore! 8a I laid my ltps upon It -■% With a tenderness untold. For the winter’s breath had touched It And its leaves were stiff and cold. In a ohrystal vase I plaoed it. Filled with water to the brim, Wi-h its dainty head there piilowod, , Peeping out above the rim. Warm and rich its gentle color Mellowed into fairest gold. And a wealth of leavos eo tender ?_ Would those tender loaves untold? Through my window etresmed the moonlight, Slowing with a si.'very hue; Els«ed so lovingly my rosebud, Sleeping on'lts bed o 1 dew— Kissed and lingered in my chamber With its flood ot light divine, From the very heart of heaven Bringing happiness to mine. Then there rose a lovoly vision— Robed In oolors dazzling bright; Came a troop of fatrv flowers Drifting through the mellow light. CHistening, in their heavenly beauty, Bike a thousand jewels rare, Fashioned into fairy flowers Drifting through the moonlight there— Flowers of perfect graco and beauty, Heavenly messengers of love, Murmuring in an unknown language. Breathing fragrance from abovet O the sweetness of their voices t Rippling low, yet pure and clear; Bike soft mnsle in the d-stanoe Falling on the listening ear. One by one they kissed my rosebud With a tender gentleness; And its tiny leaves unfolded With each loving, fond caress. Till in radiant, glorious beauty, Rising from its sweet repose. With the lairy flowers it mingled, And became a fairy rose. Then the murmering ceased, and slowly Through the mallow silvery light The heavenly vision drifted— Drifted ont into the night. —^• * • • * I awoke—'twas early morning,^ Anxiously 1 raised my head. And my eyes fell on the rosebud: It was withered, cold, and—dead!

DUEL IN THE DARK.

Famous Midnight Meeting on the Field - v — of Honor. Night combats have been frequent in Europe, and also in the United States. In 1821, in London, England, a barrister, named Christie, and the editor of the London AJagazine, Mr. Scott, fought a duel, so-called, at Chalk farm, and,the latter was killed. The original trouble occurred between Mr. Scott and Mr. Lockhart, the latter named gentleman qt the time editor of Blackwood’s Magazine ; and, it seems, Scott, who had been challenged by Lockhart, and who had declined to accept, was called upon by Christie, and the two quarreled, and subsequently agreed to meet the same evening to adjust their difficulties according to the “code of honor.” The fight took place at 10 o’clock during the full of the moon, and Scott fell mortally wounded at the first fire. Christie was arrested and charged with willful murder by a corner’s jury, bnt at the trial a short time afterward, he was acquitted. In 1721, Capt. Chickley and Lieut Stanley, while disputing ip a mess-room in a town near Dublin (Ireland), agreed to fight with small swords in a dark room the following evening. Stanley was an adroit swordsman, but was run through the body by his antagonist in a few minutes after the commencement of the fight.

Maj. Campbell and Capt. Boyd, offio- < ere of the 21st foot (British army), fought a duel, without seconds, in the < parlor of an Irish inn at Newry, a short time before midnight, in January, 1807. During the dispute Campbell challenged his brother officer to fight at once, but Boyd preferred that the meeting should take place next day. Campbell then taunted his comrade, and insinuated that he was displaying the white feather. The result was that they left the garrison where they were quartered, unaccompanied by friends, and fought as stated- Copt. Boyd receiving a mortal wound, from which he died in a day or two. Campbell was couvicted of murder on the 18th of August following, and executed on October, 2. His wife, who belonged to a family of high standing, made a desperate effort to secure royal clemency, but, as is known, without success. Boyd's last words were: “Campbell, you are a bad man; you hurried me in a most*wanton way, and have mortally wounded me in a fight of your own making and not according to established rules. I wanted to wait and have the matter put into the hands of ; friends, and you would not let me.” This terrible arraignment by the dying man was as effective as the death-war-rant itself, and carried conviction before indictment. In a- letter which Campbell left for publication he said: “I suffer a violent and ignominious death for the benefit of my countrymen, who, by my unhappy exit, shall learn to abhor the too prevalent and too fashionable crime of dueling.” The writer once met a gentleman who was present at the execution of Campbell,, who said he (Campbell) was one of the handsomest and bravest officers of the 21st, British foot. While of an excitable nature when angered, it is said of him that he was generally far more amiable and much less disagreeable than Boyd, although they had long l»een on terms of mutal dislike of each other. The night before the execution Mrs. Campbell had managed to perfect methods of escape, as it was pretty generally understood that, although no royal mercy could be extended, no, particular means of vigilance had been adopted. His noble wife, who had planned the escape, reminded him of his heroic conduct in Egypt, of his family name, and of the unheeded recommendation of mercy by the jury which pronounced the fatal words. But he only replied :,, “The greatest struggle of all is to leave yon, my darling; but lam still a soldier, and shall meet my fate like a man.” And he refused to farther dishonor himself, although the guard arms asleep, the doors of the jail were unlocked, and horses , and confederates were close at hand. He passed the following morn* fug in prayer, mid at the, proper time ascended the stairs of the execution room with a firm step and without escort There stood before him 19,000

Sympathizing men with heads uncovered, and among them the fusileers. with whom he had intrepidly charged the enemv upon the burning sands of Egypt. The hum of a single bee might have been heard in that respectful crowd, as Campbell addressed it. "Pray for me,” was all the poor soldier said; and, while the diapason of an impressive "amen” went np unbroken by a single other vociferation, or even whisper, the unfortunate man let fall his own cambrio handkerchief as a ©ignal that he “was ready,” and simultaneously he dropped through the dreadful trap, and went on oto that uncertain pilgrimage to tlio legendary beyond. The notorious Due de llichelieu, of France, who fought so many successful duels, and who seemed to wield a magician’s sword, met the Prince do Lixen —wdiom he had purposely insulted on acoount of the hatred entertained for the latter by Mme. du Rosier© —near the trenches of Philipsbonrg, in 1719, at nwnight, during a storm, by the light of torches held by. brother of? fleers. As the story goes, Do Lixen, who was a general in the French army Xand a very tall man), had had a horse shot from tinder him during an engagement ; and seeing a pony near, jumped upon him and rode into the presence of De Richelieu (who was also a general at that timo), who burst into a loud laugh and exclaimed: “No wonder wo lost the day when we have mountebanks for generals. Behold the horsemanship of the great Prince de Lixen, who keeps his feet close to the ground for fear of falling from the saddle.” The Prince heard De Richelieu’s voice and laugh, and too weil know what it meant, and the source of its inspiration. “I’ll insult the villain in n© uncertain way upon the first opportunity,” murmured De Lixen. The next day Richelieu, whoso command Lad been the last to retreat from Philipsbourg, came into the presence of Prince de Conti, the commanding officer, with disheveled hair, pow-der-stained face and deranged toilet. Hsi rival took this occasion te carry out his quiet threat of the day preceding, and said sarcastically: “It is a matter of much surprise that the Due de Richelieu should come into the presence of gentlemen with the air and dress of a masquerader.” “I did not retreat so hurriedly from the field as some of those officers who appear here in toilets more elaborately prepared, your highness,” and then, turning to De Lixen, he con? tinued: “I shall now go and purify myself, Prince, and in an hour you shall hear from me,” And so he did, in the shape of a challenge, which was accepted ; after which arrangements were made and agreed upon that the two gentlemen should meet each other in the trenches at midnight. They met and crossed swords at exactly 12, and fn ten minutes the magical weapon of De Richelieu had flashed through the heart of his twentieth victim, and the survivor, stooping over the dead prince, said: “Let us carefully bear his noble body with all honor to camp. It is the fortune of war, gentlemen, and may be our turn next.” In a short time afterward De Richelieu went to Paris to acquaint his inamorata with the intelligence that he had removed one of her troubles from the world forever. But what was his astonislmient to discover that the frail and faithless Mme. du Bosiere had fled with an English nobleman to London. Quien sabe?

Some years ago Maj. Ben. Perley Poore, then Washington correspondent of the Boston Journal, sent that paper tho following account of a midnight duel upon an island in tho Savannah Kiver:

Among the many bloody duels on record as having been fought by Congressmen w as one in which .Tames Jackson, of Georgia, who had been and who was afterward a United States Senator, was the challenged party. Ho was an Englishman by birth, but he went to Savannah when a lad, studied law-, was a leading Freemason, and fought gallantly in the Revolutionary war. He killed Lieut. Gov. Wells, of Georgia, in 1870 in a duel, and was engaged in Several other “affairs of honor,” until he finally determined to accept a challenge on such term as would make it his last duel. So, upon his next challenge, which was from Col. R. Watkins, also of Georgia, he prescribed as the terms that each party,armed with a double-barreled gun loaded with buckshot, and with a hunting-knife, should row himself in a skiff to designated points on opposite sides of the Savannah-river. When the city deck struck 12 each should row his skiff to a small island in the middle of river, which was wooded and covered with underbrush. On arriving at the island each was to moor his skiff, stand by it for ten minutes, and then go about the island until the meeting took place.' The seconds waited on the main land until 1 o'clock, when they heard three shots and loud and angry cries. Then all was still. At daylight, as had been agreed upon, the seconds went to the island and found Jackson lying on flie ground, insensible from the loss of blood, and his antagonist lying across him dead. Jackson recovered but would never relate his experience on that night, nor was he ever challenged again. He died in Washington City while serving his second term as United States Senator, March 19, 1*876. In 1728 a young gentleman named Benjamin Wood bridge was killed in a duel with swords, late one night, on Boston Common, by Harry Phillips.after a short combat. Phillips, who was not hurt, made his escape from the city next day, and later turned up in France, where he died in 1729. Eugene Bonnemere. in his ( “Histoir© des Pansana,” tells the story of how a peasant by the name of Lebre, who lived m the south of France, got more than even with a sergeant of the royal guard which was quartered near Lebre's cabin. It was toward the end of the seventeenth century, and the sergeant, presuming upon his gallantry and manly beauty, and knowing the proverbial weakness of some women for even non-commissioned officers of his profession, took occasion to pay marked attention to Lebre’s yonng and pretty wife; which, while being strictly agreeable to dainty Mrs. L , was highly i unsatisfactory to the incensed husband, who, at last, gave Mr. Sergi. Dnprez a piece of proper advioe, and was promptly knocked down for his pains. Lebre

at onoe challenged his antagonist, who declined to recognize a common peasant as his equal, and, shutting Lebre out of his own cottage, took immediate' possession of it and its pretty matron. 1 In a day or two the Sergeant quit the place for gOod, and Lebre returned, sold all his effects, packed the erring madame of to her father’s, enlisted in the army, and was seen no more in that neighborhood for upward of eight years. He fought through two campaigns bravely, but without a scratch, and by gradual.promotion reached the rank of Sergeant. “Aha L” cried Lebre, joyfully, at the end of six years’ service, “Sergt. Duprez, Sergt. Lebre is.your equal! I shall seek you out, you villain, and punish you for tho wrongs whicli I suffered at your hands six years ago.” 1 Lebre was twft years in finding his man. And w'hen he did find him they were at the point of sitting down at the same dinner table, with a dozen other officers of about" uniform rank. As soon as the repast was over Lebre arose, and, addressing Duprez, inquired: “Suppose, s|r, a man should give you a blow, what would you do ?” “I would return it and challenge him to fight,” responded Duprez. “Take that, then!” exclaimed Lebre, dealing his old enemy a tremendous blow, which staggered him considerably; and then, addressing himself to his other comrades, he recapitulated the story of how Duprez had knocked him down for defending his wife, and thereafter refused to fight him on the ground that he was not Duprez’s equal. “Now, Sergt. Duprez,” ejaculated that fellow’s assailant, turning around and facing his enemy, “you and I are equal. I have returned the blow you gave me eight years ago, and now challenge you to fight for your life.’— And as quick as lightning the two serpents drew their weapons, and Duprez was kiJLlod. in three minutes, the duel taking place by candlelight, i In 1719, in London, England, Capt' William Aldworth, of the army, and Owen Buckingham, Member of Parliament, met, and dined, and quarreled, and fought, all in one evening. It was so dark that they could not see each other, and they were so thoroughly well intoxicated that it did not make much difference Whether they did or did not see each other; but, all the same, there was one less Member of Parliament the following morning, for Buckingham, [WHS found by some friends shortly after the fight, pierced to the heart with his antagonist’s rapier, and Aldworth near by, very drunk ancj covered with wounds.

University Place, New York (N. Y.), was the scene of a fatal duel, one cold„ snowy night in the winter of 1804, the parties to the combat being William Coleman, editor of the New York Evenimj Post (an organ of the Federalists), and Capt. Thomas, Harbor Master of the port of New York. Thomaa who had made quite an effort to provoke Coleman, remarked freely that he had no fight in him, and that if slapped well on one side of his face he would only be too happy to present the other teide for similar treatment. Coleman, after making sure that Thompson had used the language attributed to him, challenged the offender, designated pistols as w eapons, and named 11 o’clock as .the time of meeting, and at or near University Place the scene of battle. Each party had surgeons and seconds, and agreed, ns it was snowing at the time, to fire at twelve yards. Both fired the third time, when Thompson was heard to exclaim: “My God 1 I have got it!” and, reeling sideways, fell mortally w ounded into the snow, and died a short time after haviug been conveyed to his residence. The dying man made a statement in the presenco of a number of friends to the effect that the duel and his death were the consequence of his own quarrelsome character and rashness, and his last words were forgiveness to Coleman, whom he believed had no intent to kill. —Alta California.

The Pleasure of Kindness.

Ned was a poor little newsboy. One day lie laid out all but twopence of his little capital in a small stock of newspapers. But lio liad hardly left the office beforo a drenching shower fell. He hurried to the shelter of a friendly awning, and waited until it became clear again. But the rain and damp had almost spoiled his papers, and the little fellow trudged off looking as downcast as a broken merchant. He had not spirit enough left even to try to sell his damaged stock of papers After walking awhile in silence he paused near to a poor old blind woman, who was seated on a door-step holding out her wrinlded palm. Ned stood gazing at her 3vith his hands in the pocket of his ragged coat, his papers trader his arm, and looking very sad, for the blind woman’s mute hand had touohed his heart. Three times his fingers clutched one of the remaining pennies and three times the thought of his half-spoiled papers caused him to drop it again to the bottom of his capacious pocket. At last his heart won the victory. Out came the penny, and with earnest good will he dropped it m the blind woman’s palm: Then Ned’s eye brightened. He turned away with a light step, and his voice echoed loudly along the street as he cried: “Newspapers! This day's papers!” The fact is, that gift of half his remaining fortune to the poor old blind woman had warmed his sad heart and cheered his fallen spirits, as generous deeds always do. If Ned was a penny poorer he was a great deal happier than before he his little all with that blind sister of poverty.

Lincoln’s Laconic Reply.

The following anecdote of President Lincoln is related by General Badean: “Sheridan started before daybreak in pursuit of what was left of Lee’s army. He sent word to Grant: ‘lf the thing is pressed. I think that Lee will surrender.’ Grant forwarded the dispatch and an account of the victory to Linooln, at City Point, and the President replied: ‘Let the thing be pressed.’" Three negroes were frozen to death I during a recent cold spell in NatchiI toches County, Louisiana.

THE DOG DOCTOR.

Vn Hour Wit'll Him While He Deaorlbra Uls Customers and His Practice. Forming a group in a dingy room •vere a bald-headed man, wearing horn spectacles, with a fringe of whiskers iround his face, a snarling, shaggyhaired dog, and an elegantly dressed . woman, who looked as if she might cry. [)n shelves and tables were stuffed dogs, birds and queer-looking animals. On i bench at the man’s side were half a lozen pairs of forceps and a lot of denial instruments. “Please, please, don’t hurt Dot any more than you can help,” the lady pleaded, tearfully. “Not for a moment, mum,” the old man said, as he pressed the dog’s body between his knees and violently yanked open his mouth. “I’ll be as gentle as passible with him.” He picked up one of the forceps and pulled out one of Dot’s teeth, scraped the other teeth with an instrument that looked like a nut-pick, and lanced the gums. As sooh as Dot reached the floor he took a firm seat on his haunches, braced his feet, raised his head, and howled dismally. The lady picked him up in her arms and shed tears of sympathy. “He’ll be all right now, mum,” the dog. doctor said, as he pocketed a crisp $lO note, and opened the door for the lady to pass out. “His teeth’s in good order now, and he won’t suffer with bis gums.” “I often pull ont dogs’ teeth,” he explained to the reporter, who had been watching the treatment of Dot, “and more often I scrape and clean ’em up. I do more of it nowadays than I did thirty years ago, when I first began dog doctoring. It’s more fashionable for ladies to. keep dogs than it used to be. Dogs is like children some—l mean the little lap dogs. They eat too much sweets and their teeth get bad, and when their teeth is bad, why they’ve got to be fixed, so what does I do a few years ago but prints on my cards ‘Dog Doctoring.’ It has brought me in lots of customers. You ought to see the carriages that the ladies often comes in, and they wear diamonds that almost blinds me. They don’t seem to care for money much so long as their dogs is fixed all right. And then they watches me like a cat watches a mouse while I’m at work on the dog’s mouth, and if I ain’t as gentle as a kitten, why they goes for me like a whirlwind.” “Do you ever fill dog’s teeth ?” “I never did that, although a lady once wanted me to fill a pet dog’s teeth with gold. I told her that I couldn’t do it, and, although she was a regular customer, she went right away and never came near the shop any more.” “What dogs are generally brought to you for treatment ?” “Pugs, spaniels, and Scotch and Skye terriers. Black and tans used to be well thought of once, but nowadays ladies don’t seem to care for them much. According to my notions, the best pet dog of ali is a cross between an Italian greyhound and a black and tan. They are the best watch dogs, too. That reminds me of something which happened when I first began dog doctoring. Somebody brought me a dog of that breed to treat. I concluded that it needed a dose of medicine, and tried to force some down its throat. It was no go. The dog bit me half a dozen times, and upset seven doses of medicine. I prepared another dose, sat it down on the floor, and sat down to get wind for another attempt. Just think how surprised I was when the dog walks up to where I left the medicine and licks it up as if it was fond of it.” “Do you set dogs’ broken bones?” “Often, I’ve done lots of queer things with animals. Once I put a glass eye in a dog.” “How did you happen to do that?” “A lady customer had a dog and a cat which didn’t agree very well, and one day, while she was ont, they fought, and the dog lost an eye. ‘Did you ever put a glass eye in a dog ?’ says she to me one day. ‘No, mum,’ says I; ‘and I never heard tell of such a thing.’ ‘Can’t it he done?’ says she. ‘Almost anything can be done,’ says I. ‘Well, then,’ says she. ‘I want you to have a glass eye made for Henry.’ Henry was the name of her dog. So I had to take the dog to a man who made glass eyes fbr one, and when it was finished I took it to the lady’s honse and put it in.” “What happened then?” “Why, Henry wouldn’t have it at all. He scratched it out with his paw. We tried to make him wear it, but it was no use. Henry was a positive dog.”— Neio York Sun. -

Sights in Hong Kong.

One of the first things I noticed upon landing in dong Kong was the dissipation which is always going on. At first, I thought some celebration must be in progress, but upon making inquiries I was assured that this was not the case. “It is always so.” said the American citizen. “Every day a certain number of sailors are allowed to come ou shore, and they avail themselves fully of this privilege. As there are some two thousand of these sailors at present on board the men-of-war in Hong Kong harbor, this city is quite lively most of the time. It is* the men aboard these war-ships who get the wildest, for the enforced idleness of their life breeds recklessness when once they get ashore. These sailors are beardless young fellows for the most part, and though they have a swaggering and tyrannical mien, I should not think that they would' impress the Chinese as very formidable. Walking about the streets in company with a citizen, I saw literally hundreds of these sailors crowding the saloons so thick that you could not see the counter. Outside of the saloon the street would be packed with rick.shas, for a sailor gravitates toward a riekisha the first thing upon coming ashore. He does not have to gravitate far, for the Chinese runners almost attempt the perilous feat of walking on the water in their eagerness to meet the sailors halt way. Soon after landing the sailors gravitate toward a saloon, and, numbers breeding reckless jollity, it is not long before they cease to be free moral agents. Then they curse and beat their riekisha men, and ride about with scarce any cognizance of whither they are being carried. As I have already intimat-

ed, I am implacably opposed to the Chinese; yet my indignation was kindled in their behalf at first when I witnessed the brutality with which they are treated by these sailors. But my commiseration was all dissipated when my friend said: '' a - “Don’t pity them. John Chinaman is nnder now, but he will be on top pretty soon. Wait till the sailors get stupidly drunk, and they will be ignominiously dumped out by the wayside, whilel these long-suffering ‘heathen Chinese’ will proceed complacently to go thrortgh their pockets. Don’t misplace your pity.” -“Don’t the English make any efforlj to Check this evil?” “O no, it is so common that they don’t care to interfere.** Once in a while when a men gets to smashing things too generally and endangering people’s lives, he will be locked up until he gets sober. But so long as they only injure themselves, no matter if they do break the peace, nothing is done about it.”

Russian Proverbs.

Good friendship is beetter than wealth. Seven men do not wait for one to dine. He who has pie has friends. By honest labor one cannot get rich. He who chews slowly works slowly. The Moscow pies burn like fire. The soul knows its measure. —Live plainly, and you shall live a hundred years. Envious eyes know no shame. An uninvited guest is worse than a Tartar. Even a fly likes to fill its stomach. A house is good not by its 'walls, but by its pies. Don’t take too much, or you will tear your pockets. It is better to live on bread and water than to live with an angry wife. Don’t open your mouth at the sight. of somebody else’s pie. , A hundred friends are better than a hundred roubles. r —" Don’t live as you like, but, &3 God orders. Who does not drink to the bottom does not know what is good. Table cloth off, friendship is gone. A dry spoon scratches the mouth. A full man does net understand a hungry one. There is paradise while there is plenty~of bread. ------—. Every cook has her own ways. The more honor, the more expense. I obey him whose bread I eat. — A glass of wine adds mind. God guards him who takes care of himself. A man beats his wife a day and ories a year. Believe your own eyes rather than rumors. Every body is the smith of his own luck. In a calm pool devils live. Where there is love there is GodAn untried friend is like an uncracked nut. Honey is on his tongue and ice under it. r~

A present is cheap, but lovo is dear. Don’t blame the looking glass if your face is ugly. One can not hide a bradawl in a bag. Velvety, but with a string. There is no family without a deformed member. Your elbow is near, but you cannot bite it. Every fox takes care of its tail. When money speaks the truth keeps silent. v Trust in God, but mind your business. Don’t spit in the well; you may yet drink from it. Truth is straight, but Judges are crooked. Swine’s eyes fear not dirt. You can not take two hides from one ox. Who tries his luck loses his money. Don’t ask a priest for change or a tailor for remnants. An attentive fool is more dangerous than a foe. A horse has four legs, and yet he stumbles sometimes. Where there is a neck there will be a yoke. The apple does not roll far from the apple tree. One never tires working for himself. Fear nobody but God.

“ Play Katie Darling.”

Grim as war is, it lias its jokes which are no less amusing than those of peace. The authors of “Blue and Gray” tell a humorous story of Private C-, who, though a brave Soldier of the Seventh Virginia Cavalry, would not face the fire of his comrades’ badinage. He was detailed by the regimental surgeon to carry on the march the doctor’s medicine Chest, a box eighteen inches long, ten inches in width and two-thirds of a foot deep, made of mahogany and covered with stout leather. While the regiment was passing through a Virginia village, a little negro spied the mag with the chest. “Mister, O mister!” ho shouted, “please play Katie Darling on yer organ.” Shouts of langhter followed the negro’s request, and as soon as the regiment halted C. asked to be relieved of a duty that impressed negroes with the idea that he was an organ grinder.

A Great Dodge.

Jones —I see that the government is educating 10,000 Indian children at its own expense. Smith—Yes; great dodge, isn’t it ? Jones- —Great dodge I How so ? Smith—Why, yon see, the coppercolored youngsters are put through the same kind of a cramming process that white children are subjected to, and even if they live to grow up they won’t have strength enough left to go on a warpath. —Philadelphia Call. Tiw soldiers of the salvation army sing the device; “If you cannot get in at the golden pate, climb over the garden walL” This looks like beating the devil around the stump. Apart from the awkwardness of the undertaking the salvation lassies had better look ont that St. Refer does not pepper them with bird shot -

PITH AND POINT.

Bai.lot-girls : Female voters. ■ A clear case of girl: E. Lucy Date. A tip-top' mas—the one who lifts his hat. ! “We haven’t forefathers in this family,” said a Utah urchin, “but we’ve more'n four mother^." , “Better be a-eatin’ dem aigs,” said a negro lecturer, “ ’stead o’ flinging ’em at me. I doan’ want ’em, I’se got q plenty at home, I has.” —Arkansaw Traveler. , Among the Dunkards men kiss men and the kissing of women is done only among themselves. “Very few converts are made by the Dunkards,” soberly remarks an exchange. “A perfect marriage is a sublime symphony,” remarks some old bachelor, who doesn’t know the difference between the rock of a cradle and the movement of a broomstick, “Hello, Leathertop, you look as if you were in the bottomless pit of hopeless despair, are you in love?” “No, but almost as bad, next door to it. I’m in a cheap boarding house. —Carl Pretzel’s Weekly. Oh,horror! it is reported that an English nobleman is alxrat to take steps to get a divorce from his American wife. After all the trouble that the dear creatures have been to secure titled spouses, it is really too bad if they are going to lose them through the vulgar instrumentality of the divorce court.

Little Frank —“l saw a rabbit at the store to-day. But it could not bite me.” Mamma—“Was it lying still with its eyes shut?” Little Frank—“lt was still, but its eyes were open. It could not see, though.” Mamma—“Then it was dead, of course.”' Little Frank—“l guess so. It looked just as if it was haviug its photograph taken.”—Philadelhia Call. “You are growing so stoop shouldered,” said Deacon Dewgood to Farmer Furrow, “that you ought to walk with your Lands behind you.” The granger looked at him a moment, and then said, somewhat testily: “Wal, that might do for fellers like you, who ain’t got nothin’ to do but walk up and down a church aisle; but wouldn’t I look pretty tryin’ to work a plough that way ?” “I was to be married, you know,” said Blooms to his friend Clark, “but I guess it’s off, vcoi know, for g-good.” ? ‘How is that?” asked Clark. “This way,” replied Blooms. “She s-aid she’d marry me, you know, when all impediments were r-removed.” “Yes.” “Well, I asked her last night if they were not all—aw—r-remaved, you know, and s-slie said ‘no’—l s-still s-stutter!” Two old colored women were baptized in the James River, One submitted quietly, while the other came up put of the water all excitement, shouting: “I saw Gabr’l! I saw Gabr’J, right in the bottom ob the ribber! Press my heart for that vishun of glory.” “Hush your mouf, Dilsey,” said the less excitable one, “dat was nuffin but a big terrapin, I done seed dat myself.”— The Judge. “I understand that your father is dead, Mike,” said an Arkansaw gentleman to an Irish friend. “Yes, sor, the old gintleman has left ns. A foine man, yer honor. He could stand up with the best of them.” “I haven’t seen the old man since he moved away from here, some three years ago. Wlidte was he living when he died?” “He wasn’t livin’ anywhere when he died, sor. He was dead thin.”

“How much do yon charge for the pants, anyway?” asked the rural customer. “Dot makes some difference off you vants dem vor Suntay or efery tay,” replied the vender, studying liis subject carefully. “If you vants a shoap bair vor efery tay. dot bair vill po two tollar. but if you vants dem bants vor Suntay, dev vill be fife tollar und a helluf. Subboso you dakes um vor Suntay, und ven dey vos a little vorn, you rears dem vor efery tay. By dot you safe two tollar on a fife tollar bair of bants!” Against which argument the countryman had nothing to offer, and transaction was closed. A lecturer is announced with a lecture entitled “American Hell.” Why a man should spend his time talking on a subject of this kind is a thing no aes ofln account for, unless it is for the half a dollar a head his audience pays to hear him talk. The “American Hell” is found in a bottle and every man who investigates the contents of that bottle is spirtflo have more or less hellish ex-, perience. There is no need of a lecture on this subject. If the man who is going about has had the “jim-jams” he is entitled to pity but not entitled to make a man pay to hear him tell about it.— Peck's Sun.

Destroying Cannibalism.

“Fifty years ago,” paid Earl Cairns, at a meeting of the Church Missionary Society, “if a man had been shipwrecked on some of the islands of the Pacific, he would have been killed, cooked, and eaten; whereas, if a man were shipwrecked there now, he would receive Christian hospitality. Miss Gordon Cumming, who is not a missionary, and who did not write for the purpose of crying up missions, declared that, while in 1835 the people of Fiji were cannibals, there are now 400 churches and 1,400 schools there. Lady Brassey writes that anybody who wants to see the last traces of heathenism in Japan had better go soon, as they are rapidly giving place to Christianity.

He Studied a While.

“Hello, Sam! I hear yon are in love ; have yon asked the old man for his daughter ?” “Yes.” “What did he say?" “He said he must study on it a while." “What did yon do then ?” “Why, it gave me a chance to study a while.” “Well, has he reported favorably?” “Yes—he told me I couldn’t have her. "—Newman Independent. Mrs. Jxwes, of Brockton. Massachusetts, now 39, was married when she was and has had twenty-seven children.