Rensselaer Republican, Volume 16, Number 28, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 20 March 1884 — How to Treat a Northerner. [ARTICLE]

How to Treat a Northerner.

The general tone of the Northern f rees is unjust to the “Sunny South.” t does not seem 10 appreciate our warm-hearted hospitality, and it indulges in flippant, scurrilous flings, as bold-faced and unreliable as they are mendacious and uncalled for. Some of those papers published along up toward the North Pole, which is such a constant source of frigid and expensive curiosity, have had the condensed gall to claim that we don't know how to treat Northerners. There was never a more egregious error printed. We, of tho salubrious South, do know how to treat Northern men who come down here to investigate our political economy, or captiire our public fond for the ’purpose of selling it at an advance of 995,000 per cent, or grazing Northern cattle nri{h the foot and mouth disease, or equine bulls with the glanders. , ' The way to treat a Northerner is simple enough. First, catch your Northerner. Tlon’t be afraid of his sliy'ng or jerking on the bit. Handle him gently, yet firmly, and let him know that, while you are not afraid of him, you have no desire to injure him in the least. Let him smell of your hands, your coat, your boots, and show him you are thoroughly in earnest about the matter, and that, at the same time, you are half white and don’t eat hay. Let him know, at once, that you mean business, and nfter he has become acquainted, he will follow you whenever you wink. Having now ingratiated youself in his warm, trustful, yearning nature, take the Northerner by the arm and lead him to the door, and then pass out onto the sidewalk. Take out your watch and look at it. Let the Northerner see it and smell of it, also, and then he will know it is not an infernal machine or a dynamite cartridge. The Northerner will then ask you what time it is. Tell him candidly it js about 11 o’clock a. m. No matter if it is. 9 or 10 o’clock, always say 11, and., then break the question to him at once, without the least evasion or circumlocution. Ask him: “Do you ever drink?” Tha Northerner will in m 'diately jump at the soft snap, roll his eyes, and say: “Well, if I ever do, it is generally about this time of day. You have now obtained the mastery over him and subdued him. Lead the Northerner around the corner, head him fpr a saloon, and enter at the front door. Do not equivocate or try to sneak in by the back wav. That would exoite»BUspicion in the Northerner, and he would become restless and uneasy, and imagine you were piping him off to a bunko game. Then gently lead the Northerner to a small table, and when you have sat, the bar-keeper will come unto yon. Open your mouth and teach, saying: “Bring me a Robinson County toddy, with a polonaise on the outside, cut bias, and trimmed \i .ti a lemon-colored stripe. What is yours, my friend from the Arctic Circle?” Then the Northerner will blush and stammer, and try vainly to hide his emotions. But do not be deceived. It is an old Northern fake of his, learned in the variety halls, where some pretty waiter-girl has asked him the same question, coupled with tho assurance that he was to pay for two drinks. This accounts for his, embarrassment. The Northerner will say “The same,” if J|o does nob call for the whole bottle and want to pour it out himself. After the drink, have another. Then another. Then another. Then some more. By this time the generosity of tho Northerner will have become unlimited, and he Mill want to pay for something. He will want to induct you into the mystery of how to treat Southerners. But don’t let him do it. Neither one of you know what it is, but you drink something. Then take another. Then buy something. Then lead the Northerner down to ais hotel, ard if he isn’t the best treated man in the whole South; and if he does not see more snakes, and horned frogs, contipedes, tarantulas, and other zoological specimens, may we never again reply to the base calumnies of the Northern press. . Don’t know how to treat Northerners, ’♦h ? Well, we should —Texas Siftings.