Rensselaer Republican, Volume 16, Number 19, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 17 January 1884 — Page 2

ONE BACHELOR OF MANY. There's «&e thing to, toe ladies I plainly wish to ot no pretense*; I’m fifty, K a day: n& neither gay nor amiable, I'm fussy, and I’m Bat. girl*, yon needn’t plot tor me—all plotting I never see toe brightest eyes. and all their Xa wasted ammunition, if its aim is hurting me: 1 never see the reddest lips, I’m proof against all X father think I’m not the man for any woman’s I can sew on my buttons, my stockings I can And women’s hands around my room aro not knitted, netted things, no traveling bass, no wraps, CSii Ho slippers and no comforters, no painted plaques, no cap*. I buy toe things tost I require; so, ladies, hear no say, All such attentions spent on me are simply thrown away; . „ So shake your carls and give your gifts, bewilder all yon can, r But jnst remember, It yon please, that lam not the Wien-, I’ve heard there’s twenty-oneold maids consider me their "fate,- —— ... And clever widows five or six that wish with me school-girls who insist I “mast have had some less,” And say I’m "so romantic,” when I m only tired or cross. But, ladies, all attentions from this date I hope will cease; , The only favor that I ask, is to be left in peace; For I consider one thing sure as anything can be*"" - X will not mary any girl, and none shall marry me. That's jnst exactly what he said about a year ago. How, if you could but see his rooms, they are a perfect show , , . Of netted things, and knitted things, and painted plaques and screens. Of photogiaphs of famous men, and Beauty s living queens; While on toe hearth-stone sits his ■wife—she s sweet and good, I know. And if yon tell him of the words he said a year iso, He answers you, without a blush, “Oh, that’s toe usual wray; . . . . Ho one believes a single wor(J old bachelors may Wbentie r'ght angel comes along, they marry any day,” —Harper’s Magazine.

AN OPPORTUNITY.

Dora Leonard leaned lier pretty elbows on the window-sill of her father's office and peered ont over the forest of chimney pots and irregular roofs which that retired corner of London offered as prospect. She nodded to the little lame boy iff the fourth story across the court, dropped a handful of biscuit-crumbs for Vixon, Hfiga Tottenham’s parrot, one floor below, and was imperiling her life to steal a spray of scarlet Virginian creeper dangling from a neighbors balcony, when a strange pair of eyes shining through that same creeper Startled her into propriety. The balcony had hitherto had for its sole occupant a white-haired professor in a velvet skull-cap, who had shown no desire for even a nodding acquaintance with Dora Who could this newcomer be? His eyes were beautiful—so dark and expressive—and the hand that held back the vine was delicately shaped and white. Dora took another peep, through the curtain this time. He had advanced a little and leaned against the balcony railing, and, while appearing unconscious of her presence, watched quietly for the return of the pretty apparition seen at the window. His dark Southern look was so different from the rosy faces and bine snes that Dora was accustomed to; and the girl, looking at him, could only tbmk of a pictured Romeo whose face had once haunted her dreams for many a night "Dora, dear, close the window; these draughts are more dangerous at this season of the year,” came in drowsy acoents from the head of the Leonard family nodding over the copy of the Times. “Papa, yon never speak of Professor Mudie now. I hope you have not cut the old gentleman's acquaintance?” “Mudie? He is no longer our neighbor; he left No. 60 a week ago.” "Indeed! Has any one else taken bis rooms?” With the keenest interest Dora waited for her father’s reply. "Some foreign-looking chap has taken the lodgings; I saw him this morning at 6 o’clock smoking on the balcony in the most outlandish of dressing-gowns, and singing in a fairly good tenor, I must admit, some incomprehensible rigmarole. I must see that the windbwS Sre more carefully barred at night; there is no telling what these swarthy vagabonds may do.” “Oh, papa!” Dora was prepared to follow this, exclamation with a lecture on the iniquity of maligning one’s neighbors; but, seeing that her father had dozed off into unconsciousness, she was forced to reserve her remarks till another occasion. Living in a remote part of London -with her father and a maiden aunt, both of the strictest ideas in the bringing up of young people, Dora’s existence had little novelty or excitement. The return of her brother Bob from college was always hailed with delight as a season of merry-making; but the remainder of the year passed monotonously enough. Without knowing why, the girl’s interest for the dark-eyed foreigner in the adjoining house had been keenly awakened, and she longed for an opportunity to tell him of her sympathy for liis loneliness in the great City. But it could only be through a 'happy chance that they could know each other, for she dared not make any decided advance towards a perfect atranger, and she knew that her father would not exert himself in the young man's behalf. Years before a much-beloved cousin at Dora’s father, who had filled the place of a younger sister in his heart, bad been beguiled into a marriage with an Italian nobleman, which had resulted disastrously and severed all communication with her friends. Since then Mr. Leonard had regarded with suspicion and dislike every foreigner that came under his notice, and Dora knew well that she could expert from Mm no pity or interest for Romeo, as she privately called her unknown hero. While at college Dora’s brother Bob had become the recipient of a pair of monkeys, the gift of a friend in India. Jjd old college chum agreed at first to

take care of tye animals, but as time wore on he grew heartily sick of his bargain and wrote to Bob that he must take the responsibility of his mischievous pets on his own hands. Bob informed his family that they might expect any day the arrival of the monkeys ; but the old gentleman, Mr. Leonard, replied promptly that on no account wonld he allow the uncouth brutes about the place, destroying the furniture and ornaments winch it had been the work of years to collect, besides frightening the servants out of their wits. The thing was preposterous ! If Robert would keep savage animals, he must provide a home for them elsewhere. “The dear boy has his heart set on these monkeys, and will be sorely disappointed,” said Aunt Matilda, feelingly. It was a weakness on the part of the old lady to spoil and indulge Bob in the same degree that she lectured and corrected Dora; and she would willingly have spent her last penny to make her beloved nephew happy. t Dora straved one afternoon into the office; but instead of having her usual post-prandial chat with her father, she was asked to guard the premises during his necessary absence for an hour. The place was quite deserted, and she might take a book and make herself comfortable, without fear of interruption, till her father’s return. The room where Dora was to keep her vigil was, for a lawyer’s office, very attractive; there were numerous books, an easy chair or two, some flourishing plants, and across one side of the room a cabinet of curiosities of considerable value, which it had been the delight of Mr. Leonand’s heart to collect and arrange. The gem of the collection was a cracked porcelain plate of the time of Louis XI. of France, declared by connoisseurs to be of very great value. Mr. Leonard had been offered almost fabulous sums for the plate, but, prtmd of his possession, he had refused to part with it, and it lay in its velvet case on the top of the cabinet, an ornament to the room and the admiration of all visitors. Dora had not been ten minutes alone before Aunt Matilda, her eyes big with excitement, put her head in at the door. “Dora, there is a man with the monkeys declaring he will not be kept waiting a moment longer. I have promised to drive in the park with Mrs. Graham, and there is no one to look after Bob’s pets but you. I would not send them away; so I told the man to bring them up here. “They have chains about their necks, Mid ” “But, Aunt Matilda, papa will be furious at seeing the monkeys—in his office especially! He declared that Bob should not send them to the house at all.” “We must not disappoint the poor boy, Dora. Kate will return from the mil liner’s in half an hour, and I will leave word that she is to take the animals to her room then; so your father need know nothing about it. They certainly will do no harm alone in so short a time.” Further discussion was ended by a man very red in the face making his waj without ceremony into the room. He set a large basket, on the floor, exclaiming: “There, you chattering varmints, it’s flad enough I am to be rid of yon! 'he attintion those beasts attracted all along the streets, mum, was enough to make an honest man ashamed.” Two pairs of bright eyes peeped from under the basket-cover, as if begging for freedom, and the next moment two full-grown Singapore monkeys were capering about the room as much 'as their confining chains would permit. “Chain them to the fender, and they will be sure to be out of mischief,” said Aunt Matilda, watching to see this command obeyed, and then following the porter down into the street. Dora, left alone with her unexpected guests, tried to strike up an acquaintance with them; but they seemed dull and unresponsive. They crouched down side by side on the rug, and fell into a kind of doze; so Dora, relieved of all anxiety as to their conduct, returned to her nook in the window. There was a thin curl of smoke coming through the vine on the balcony, and she oould hear the rustling of the leaves of a book. It was pleasant to know that Romeo was near, and it was also pleasant to have him aware of her presence. Could not Bob, when he came home, be prevailed upon to extend a friendly hand to this dark-eyed stranger ? But his holiday was so short, and he had so many old friends to look up, that she was afraid he would only make game of her fancy for Romeo. v Dora’s reverie was suddenly interrupted bv a clattering of the fire-irons; the smaller monkey, released by the other, was carefully inspecting the glittering poker and tongs, while the elder monkey, without effort, unfastened his own chain and left it lying on the floor. He gave Dora a knowing look and started on a tour of investigation about the room, the girl timidly following to rescue whatever of Value might cqme in his way. He at length spied, half hidden on the disused grate, the kettle of the spirit-lamp which served to brew Mr. Leonard’s tea, still partly full of water which had not yet cooled. The thirsty monkey plunged his head into the little kettle, which proved, alas, so tight a fit that, it utterly refused to come off! Blinded and frightened, the monkey darted about the room, shaking and twisting his head till the water flew in all directions. This was the signal for a wild frolic for both the monkeys, which Dora tried in vain to quiet While rescuing the ink-stand from the clutches of one, the other tore in shreds as many as he could seize of the valuable la\y-papers scattered on the table. The elder monkey, having finally freed himself from the kettle, flung it with a crash into the court, and then sprang to the top of the cabinet, where the Lonis XL plate was enshrined. Dora was horror-stricken as she saw the monkey dexterously undo the fastenings and take the plate from its velvet bed. She felt that something desperate must be done to save the precious relie. The clerks wereall dismissed, Ino servant was within call, and there was no one to help her. The monkey raised the piste above his head and be-

gan an excitmg chatter with his mate. Dora flew, to the window, expecting every instant to hear the crash of. the priceless porcelain, And, leaning far out, called, with as steady a voice as she could summon—“Do please cqme and belli me ; the monkeys destroying everyting — there is not a moment to lose!” In her flight Dora hardly, realized that the long-wished-for interview with Romeo had come at last. A far harder heart that Romeo’s could ndt have resisted those beseeching tones or the pretty, appealing look on the girl’s face, and in an instant the young man had swung himself from the balcony to the office window, and springing lightly to the floor took in the situation at a glance. “Can yon save the plate?” said Dora, clasping her hands convnlsingly. But her words were unnecessary. With an ease and quickness that seemed magical, the new comer had dragged the heavy table against the cabinet, and, with the further aid of a chair, raised himself to the monkey’s perch. Witli a cry of delight Dora saw the monkey slip to the floor, leaving the plate unharmed iu Romeo's hands. At this juncture the door opened softly, and Miss Matilda peeped in timidly. Romeo, with his legs dangling from the top of the cabinet, was the first object her eyes lighted npon. “Dora, what is the meaning of this? Why is this—person intruding here?” “It means, Aunt Matilda, that we have to thank this gentleman for saving papa’s plate from the monkey’s clutches. You may well imagine the scene that would have ensued if it had been broken. Please don’t waste any time in exclamations, but take off your gloves and help me to put the room in order before papa comes. Fortunately for you, he is unaccountably delayed. Miss Matilda, completely frightened into submission, flew to assist in putting the room to rights, and, with the aid of Dora and Romeo, order was soon restored. The torn letters and papers were hastily collected to be recopied, the monkeys Were despatched to the attic, Romeo reluctantly retired, and when Mr. Leonard at length returned, he found Dora sitting quietly as he liad left her, with her book, at the window. A nervousness of manner and a pair of dimpled cheeks unusually flushed escaped the notice of the man whose mind was fnll of the details of a new case whieh he had been discussing. * * * * * * “Dora, do you not think we had better include the young man next door among our guests for Wednesday evening?” Miss Matilda asked of her niece. “Bob can call there the day before, and your father will think the acquaintance has sprung up entirely through him.” “We certainly owe him a civility, aunt, and I think your suggestions very good one,” Dora answered, quietly, though her heart beat high with pleasant anticipations. Antonio Sardi, which proved to be Romeo’s proper name, lost no time in writing An acceptance of Miss Leonard's kind invitation for Wednesday. Dora, reading his polite note at the breakfast table, left the envelope lying unheeded near her father’s plate. Later, while the two ladies were discussing the important question of flowers for the auspicious evening, Mr. Leonard entered the room with a torn envelope in his hand. “What induced Bob to strike up a friendship with the young scamp next door? He might have been better employed during his short holiday,” he began. “Oh, papa, he’s not a scamp! He “Then what right has he to make use of that seal ? Look! Is is not the sac simile of your grandfather’s. This fellow had some foolish idea of appearing well connected, but has unfortunately stolen a seal that is very familiar to us. I will inquire into this and speak to Bob; one cannot be too cautious with these foreigners.” The old gentleman’s investigation concerning the seal threw the Leonard family into the greatest excitement. On questioning young Sardi he told a clear, succinct story of hi 3 past life and parentage. His father, an Italian of noble family, had married an Fnglish lady, whom he deserted shortly after the birth of their only child. They heard of "his death afterwards, and a few months later his -'mother died also, leaving him—Antonio-alone in the world. It was his mother’s crest that he had nsed npon the note addressed to Miss Leonard; it was strange that it should so resemble the seal of the Leonard family. “Did your mother ever speak of friends in England ?” “Rarely; the subject seemed to her a most painful one, and I never broached it.” “What was her name?” Mr. Leonard asked, his voice trembling with emotion! “Gertrude Ramsey.” “Why did not all this dawn upon me before ? Boy, if your story is true, you are the son of our beloved little Gertrude, who left us long ago, and whose loss I have never ceased to mourn. Come with me; the others should rejoice with us in the return of the wanderer.” Every doubt of Antonio’s identity was soon removed, and the foreign cousin was treated as an honored guest among his new-found friends, to whom he endeared himself through many charming traits of character. “We have to thank Bob for a most agreeable addition to our family party,” said Mr. Leonard, gazing on the group assembled about the fire one evening. “Thank rather Bob’s monkeys, papa,” said Dora, slyly. “ Monkeys! What do you mean ?” The story of the rescued plate was obliged to be told then and there; but Mr. Leonard found ft impossible to be angry after all that had happened, and a hearty langh ended the awkward secret. In gaining a consin Mr. Leonard was obliged to part with his daughter, for the love that had silently sprung op long before between Dora and Romeo would hide itself no longer ; and, when Bob came home for his Christmas holidays, a grand event took place— the first bird flew from the parent nest, Mid Dora

went with her dark-eyed lover and husband to see the bright skies of his native land. -

“Bulls” and “Bears.”

The means used to/'bull” and “bear,” or raise and depress the prices of stocks, grain, provisions, etc., are innumerable, varying with the needs of the times, but influenced much more by the combinations of capitalists and brokers. The “bulls” magnify every ciroumstance fa-. vorabic to the appreciation of the stocks they hold or have agreed to take at a given time, while those who have contracted to deliver susfa stocks, or who for any reason buy, do all in their power to depreciate them, and are therefore nicknamed “bears.” Any one who has ever witnessed a bull aud bear fight will not question the appropriateness of these terms as applied to the combatants in the exciting wars among the kings of the stock board. The bulls struggle to toss the stocks higher; the bears squeeze and tug to ’force the prices down. The former resort to all kinds of expedients to induce small holders to cling fast to their stocks instead of putting them on the market. They persuade them by direct appeals, or by circulating encouraging reports, tliat these stocks are bound to rise rapidly in value; and they often combine to buy up the stock of the few who persist in selling, so as to “corner” the market. Not content with fair means, they, sometimes enter into combinations with one another, and employ third parties to buy and sell stocks of the same description on ’Change, in such a way as to create the impression that there is a greater demand for them than there really is, when in fact the s&les are never consumated, or merely amount to an exchange among themselves. Often, when neither the foreign nor home news was favorable to their purposes, false reports have been telegraphed through the country by interested parties, to affect the stock board. Similar methods are pursued on boards of trade. ~•; —: - ■ —

The Rank of College Athletes.

A. Yale correspondent gives these facts about the standing of men prominent is college sports, so far as that college is concerned: “Taking up the list of those who received appointments at the graduation in 1876,1 find the name-of one base-ball man, four football men, and one of the crew; also the winner of the four out of the five events of the spring athletic meeting. Among the composition prize men, two football men and one of the crew. The Townsend prize in the law school was taken by a crew man. In ’77 I find the valedictorian a foot-ball man, and the shortstop of the ball nine on the appointment list. In TB, on the appointment list is two base-ball and two football men. while the recipient of the Scott prize is the right-fielder on the ball nine, and the first French prize is taken by a foot-ball man, two of the crew and the cox-twain, and in the same class the sophomore mathematical prize is taken by a foot-ball man. In ’BO on the appointment list are three foot-ball men, one base-ball man, and one of the crew. In ’Bl on the appointment list are five foot-ball men, one base-ball man, and two of the crew, while the second man in the class is a foot-ball man, and one of the five Townsend men is also on the team. In ’B2 on the appointment list are four foot-ball, three base-ball, and two crew men; the winner of the junior exhibition prize is a foot-ball man and on the crew; the Scott prize man is a foot-ball man. Finally, in the last catalogue, I find the lacrosse cover-point dividing the Woolsley prize for the highest examination in the studies of the year with a loot-hall, half-back and a baseball man—the same man taking the mathematical prize and the first Berkeley, while a foot-ball man takes the Hurlburt scholarship and a second Berkeley. The Scott prize is taken by the President of the Hare and Hounds club, and I find two crew men, a coxtwain, and a base-ball player among the junior appointments.

Thoughts.

When by chance a woman speaks of her age (without acknowledging it, however), it is always with the hope that some one will exclaim: “How young she looks !” Is it in order to believe themselves always young that women give up old friendships ? - (jsigsarew Women treat those who pretend to know them as impertinents, and those who do not know them as stupid beings. The first love of a woman is a hope; the last is a long regret. Women do not esteem each other because they know each other too well. The avarice of certain women ia so repugnant that it would .almost make a virtue of the foolish dissipation and luxury of certain others. A woman is always disposed to take as admiration the curiosity or the desire that she inspires. A woman’s heart resembles a cathedral: God’s altar is in the chancel, but how many chapels there are in the aisles! f It is evident that woman was designed by nature to obey. The proof of this is that when she is placed in a state of absolute independence contrary to her nature she attaches herself to no matter what man, by whom she lets herself be directed and dominated, because she needs a master. If she is young she takes a husband; if old, a confessor.— From the French. .

Ask Ma.

A yonnster living on Mclntyte street asked this question one morning at the breakfast table: “Pa, how is it a jury can convict a man of manslaughter when ho killed a woman?" Pa, bolting his breakfast —“Ask your ma; she knows more about manslaughter than I do."— Eru-in ton Appeal Commodore Bainbbidge and 315 of his men were captured bv the Tripolitans in 1803 and remained prisoners for about nineteen months. His vessel struck on a rock near tjie shore and his capture was attended with no dishonor. W* are never so happy nor so unhappy as we imagine.- Every one complains of his memory; but no one ol his judgment.-— La Rochefoucauld.

SAFETY-DESPOSIT VAULTS.

Careless Habits of I>epo»lU»r»—Origin and Growth of the System. “Yap indeed, carelessness in handling weir .valuables and securities have lost many men their fortunes,” remarked a manager of one of the safety-de-posit vaults. “It was only this morning that one of our depositors left a note for $3,000 lying 'upon a desk in one of the retiring-rooms, but we were fortunate enough to find the valuable paper and restore it to the owner before loss resulted. It would surprise you to see how thoughtless people are in leaving valuables lying around.” “What kind of valuables are usually left by depositors ?” “Well, all kinds; stocks and securities most frequently. Men come' in here, take their bonds to a retiringroom, and cut off their interest coupons. Not unfreqnently they leave some of the bonds lying on the desk or floor. Men, as a rule, are more careless than ladies. If I should tell you the largest amount of bonds left in that way, the customer would be very mad. It would surprise you, too, for it ran away up in the thousands.” “What class of people usually patronize deposit vaults ?” “All classes—bankers, professional men, and all others having valuables do not care to keep them at home. Ladies are patronizing them largely now. Many of them keep their jewelry in the vault. They are becoming our best customers, for one lady who is pleased with the system tells her friends about it, and then they come around. This is a good experience for them. It teaches them business habits. A great many poor people now keep their savings in deposit vaults. Some of them have had unpleasant experiences with sayings banks, and not caring to resort to the dangerous primitive method of keeping their hoardings between the bed-ticks, they rent places at deposit vaults. Young men are also using the vaults as a means of saving money. I know a young man who began saving in that way. The first year found him S3OO ahead, instead of behind, as usual. He acquired business habits in that way that have obtained him a position worth $5,000 a year.” Safety-deposit vaults are of modern growth. Originally, valuables were kept at some secret place about the house, and it was not' infreqent for persons to conceal large sums of money or valuable papers in their beds. This led to frequent losses by fire, robbery, and other causes, to say nothing of those. occasioned by the carelessness of the owners. It then became customary for persons desiring greater security for their valuables to deposit tin boxes with their bankers, and soon bank vaults became overcrowded with them. This demand for depositories finally led to the establishment of safety-deposit vaults. The first one constructed in this country was at New York about a quarter of a century ago. They are being organized all over the country, and are constructed with a special view to preventing loss by fire. The demand for them has materially increased since bankers began refusing to take such deposits, even bank presidents and diretors making use of them. In some of them large quantities of coin and idle bank funds are kept. When people who are known to have valuables in their houses take to making use of them, burglaries aud murders by housebreakers may become less frequent, for the fact is well established that many crimes of this character are committed because the persons burglariously visited are believed to have articles of value concealed on their premises.— Ch icago News.

A Dying River.

A narrow stream of water that meanders through Blacksone valley, and is termed a river by the natives, has a fall in a distance of eighteen miles of 145 feet. At one time it afforded splendid power to the numerous mills built along the banks, but now, notwithstanding the river has the same precipitous descent, its availability as a means of supplying power to the great mannfacturies is a thing of the past and is a matter entirely unthought of. All, or nearly all, of the mills in Woonsocket are provided with auxiliary steam power, the* owners having learned, particularly by the extensive experience of 'the "posts "three years,-that even rivers can run very nearly dry in the course of time. At frequent intervals the bed of the Blackstone river is plainly visible in some places, in fact it is oftentimes exposed to view. It has been gradually growing lowei for the ten years last past, and the meadows that in the old times were at this season of the year entirely coverod with water are as dry as pasture land to-day and quite suitable for house lots. No water-power machinery whatever has been put in the the new Nourse mill, although the factory bpilt contiguous to the stream. Old settlers contemplate the rocks lying in the river bed, over which scarcely a drop of water has flowed for “many a moon,” atnd recall the days when the noble Blackstone thundered along the valley with a force sufficient to supply power to all the mills in Bhode Island. Manufacturers are gradnally dropping water power elsewhere along the valley * although a number of years may elapse before it will l»e discarded altogether.— Providence (R. I.) Journal.

From a Proud Family.

“Look a heali, sah," indignantly exclaimed a colored geutleman, “does yer mean to call me a thief?” “Dst’s whut I means.” “An* why, sah? ‘Splain yerse’f, nr take de rough consequence.” “'Case I seed yer when you stole a coat.” “Well, dst’s all right, but es yer had’nter seed me I’d er wlmpped yer, sbo’. Better be partic’lar how yer fools wid me, man, ‘case I comes from a proud family.— Arkansaw Traveler. As anti-sawdust law keeps lumberman in seven Washington Territory counties from emptying waste into streams. . If a teaspoonful of turpentine is put in the wash-boiler and boiled with the I clothes it will whiten them perceptibly.

PITH AND POINT.

Hard case-r The turtle’s. The beau of Dinah—Sambo, Ail undesirable loan —A cyclone. A rash aet—Catching the measles. The boy who always stays by the ship —Bob-stays. - Valuable notes of hand—Those of the reporter. In leap year the girls are liable to jump at any. chance. —The Hodsier. Edison’s lights are all right, hut he ia suffering a little from his liver., He ia a high liver.— 2'{ie Hoosier. If a great big man calls you a liar, treat him with contempt. Do not, however, make your contempt too conspicuous. It would hardly do to speak of the girl who has her dress caught in the door-jamb as the fast girl, and vet that’s just what she is. I have a bright prospect before me," said the loafer. “You always will have,” remarked Fogg. “I don’t think you will ever hatch up to it.” He slipped quietly in at the door, but, catching sight of an inquiring face over the stair-rail, said: “Sorry it’s so late, my dear; couldn’t get a car before.” “So the cars were full, too,” said the lady, and farther remarks were unnecessary. Uncle George: “How do, Belle? Got back again ?. Had a good time ia the country ?” Belle: “Splendid, Uncle George. I never had such a nice time in my life.” Uncle George: “What did you say his name was?” Wonder what Uncle George means, and wonder, also, why Belle blushes. Friend to artist: “I see the art committee reject that picture of yours.” Artist: “Yes, and it’s all because one of the members was prejudiced against me. But I’ll get even, you bet.” Friend: > “I’ll tell you how to get your revenge.” Artist: “How?” Friend: “Paint liia portrait.”— Louisville Courier Journal. A lady at a hotel, whose unruly children annoy everybody in the house, the other day said to a noted teacher, sitting near her at the table : “Professor, do you believe in the use of the rod in the management of children?” The Professor glared at her annoying children, and grimly replied: “Sometimes, madam; but there are caseswhen I should prefer a revolver.” “Ah ! good morning. Going to church to-morrow?” “Church! Ob, yes; I guess so. Who holds forth?” “Oh, let’s see. Miss Crescendo is to sing an aria, Miss Pianissimo will warble a bit, Bravura he is to hum on the tenor side and old Andante will come in somewhere on the chorus. It will be up.” “But who preaches?” “That makes no difference. Some fellow who will touch up our transgressions mighty light.” When Longfellow wrote: “I look dpwn over the farms, In the fields of green I see The harvest that Is to be. And I fling to the air my arms, For I know it is all for me, —The windmill," he had, probably, not made the acquaintance of the grasshopper, army worm, and weevil. It is a little singular that it did not occur to Longfellow that some of the rye might find its way into a gin mill.— Texas Siftings. “You blamed scoundrel,” said a defeated candidate to one of his henchmen, “you played me foul and heat me;” “You’re a liar, I didn’t.” “If you had used that money the way I told yoa, I would have pulled through all right.” “I did use it that way.” “I say you didn’t.” “Oh, come off the roof! Didn’t you tell me to use my own judgment in. putting it where it would do the most good?” “Of course I did.” “And so did L I looked over the field, and after a careful survey I concluded that it would the most good in my pocket, so I put it there. Do you want to borrow a quarter ?”— MerchantTraveler. A crippled man entered the dooryard of a sensible old fellow and asked for aid. “I am crippled and cannot work,” he said, “and if yon will only give me a few cents to get something to eat, I will ever remember you.” “I never turn a needy man away from piy door,” said the old" fellow, shoving liis hand flown into- his poeketv AHow did von get crippled ?” “f was plating base-ball and —” “What! get out of this yard or I’ll cripplo you a blame sight worse. Can’t pick up a newspaper without seeing something about your devilish game. Go on away or one of these days, when you are unable to lift your hand, you’li look back to the slight ailment which now affects yon and regard it by contrast as the happiest time of your ill-spent life.”— Arkansant Traveler. *

The Reason He Wept.

“What are you crying about?” asked a kind-hearted stranger of a lad who was standing in front of a newspaper office weeping as if his heart would break. “Oh, dad’s gone upstairs to lick the editor.” "Well, has he come down yet?” pursued the gentle Samaritan. “Pieces of him have,” explained the boy, indulging in a fresh outburst of teary, “and I’m expecting the rest every minute.” —St Joseph (Mo.} Netcs. A Geobgia dog fell into a Georgia well during the summer. Not being a very good dog nb fuss was made about it. Seven weeks after the fall the owner of the well went down into it to see why there was no water in it. He found the well dry as a horn and the dog feeling well with the exception of being hungry. When Xanthus in Lycia was besieged by the Bomons under Brutus, 42, B. C., the men set fire to to the city, killed their wives and children and then themselves. The conqueror wishing to spare them, promised rewards to any soldier who would bring him a living Xanthean, but only 150 were savedImitation is the sincereet of flattery.—Colton.