Rensselaer Republican, Volume 16, Number 12, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 29 November 1883 — Page 2

rmc TWO DAMMS. At Ontk, when Slumber's Kontle wand Bedcons to quiet fields my boy. And day, whose welcome was so fond, I* alighted like a rivaled toy,— I I ffis deep eyes, made for wonder, keep * Their gate upon some land unknown. The while the crowding questions leap That show his ignorance my own. For he would ge he knows not where, Andi—l hardlv know the more; let what is dark and what is fair He would to-night with me explore. Upon the shoals of my poor creed His plummet falls, but cannotrest; To sound the soundless is his need, To find the primal soul his quest. In vain these blrd-like flutteringa. As when through cages sighs the wind: My clearest answer only brings New depths of mystery to his mind,— Vague thoughts, by crude surmise beset, And groping doubts that loom and pass Like April clouds that, shifting, fret With tides of shade the sun-wooed grass. O lonely soul within the crowd Of souls I O language-seeking cry 1 How black were noon without a cloud To vision only of the eye! Sleep, child! while healing nature breaks Her ointment on the wounds of Thought; Joy, that anew with morning wakes, Shall bring you sight it ne’er has brought. Lord, if there be, as wise men spake, No Death, but only Fear ot Death, And when Thy temple seems to shake 'Tis but the shaking of our breath,— Whether by day or night we see Clouds where Thy winds have driven none, Let unto us as unto. Thee ■ , The darkness and the light be one. , —Robert- Underwood Johnson, in the Century.

A TRIP ON THE AMAZON.

It was in the month of April—-one of the hottest months of an unusually hot season—when I set out with my friends Dixon and Wilburg, on a trip down‘one of the' wild South American rivers—the Amazon. . Some natives, who were to accompany us on our trip, procured a boat that would carry us all, with our guns, ammunition, provisions, and a few kitchen utensils, that we might stop occasionally on the shore, and cook our meals, _._L : The vast jnngle of almost impenetrable forest, as it may justly be termed, was, at the time of which I write, the haunt of numerous wild beasts, and among these many huge tigers, which, from their immense strength and ferocity, proved themselves, in several encounters, such dangerous antagonists that few Europeans cared to attack them. It was a beautiful morning, for this torrid country, when we started on our journey, all of us in high glee, and our Indian guides making a dreadful noise with their voices, which we afterward learned was the music of these uncouth natives. Our adventures on the river trip were too numerous to mention. But an adventure, moredhrilling than all the i others, I must speak of here. One day we had traveled rather late into the night, without seeing a suitable place to land, when, about 10 o'clock p. m., I discovered through the gloom the faint outlineof what appeared to be an island. We used our hands vigorously as paddles, and succeeded in throwing the boat near enough to land to get hold of the shallow bottom, when I jumped into the water and hauled it upon lapd. The island proved to be quite a large one, and having secured the boat, we proceeded to examine our new territory. It was further above the water than most of its fellows, and had a few trees and an abundance of shrubs growing upon it. r—“lf there is any dry stuff here we. might have a fire,” said Dixon. “Your matches are wet.” - “No; I have them in a tin box, and I guess they will go.” “If you think so, we can easily find something dry enough to burn. There is plenty of drift-wood on the island.” 1 took a stick and whittled it down till I came to the middle, and soon had .a little pile of Yankee tinder for»Dixon and the rest to experiment upon. We tried his matches, and, after several vain attempts to light one, at last succeeded, and my whitflings were soon in a bright blaze. There was. plenty of fuel, and we did not apply any economy to the use of it. In less' than half an hour we had a brilliant fire blazing on the summit of the island, which illnmiButed the river forwgreatdlstiince. There was an abundance of long, coarse grass growing on the island, and a few moments were sufficient to enable us to gather a large pile of it, which we dried and disposed before the fire for a bed. Burying ourselves in the heap, we were soon stepping out of the region <of consciousness; but our devoting to the sleepy god were disturijed by an aoeident. I was almost gone, when Dixon suddenly jumped up and shouted to the rest to follow his example. Of course we obeyed, and discovered that we had made our bed a little too near the devouring element. The dry grass was in a blaze, and with considerable difficulty we saved the mass of it from destruction. We all laughed at the accident, and, having gathered more grass, and made a better disposition of it than before, we onee more retired to our couch. The fire had been carefully replenished, and we soon dropped off. I had do means of measuring time, but we did not sleep till morning. I was awakened by a noise near me, and started to my feet. The fire was still burning brightly, which showed that I had not slept long. By its light I discovered a huge alligator on the ground Dear us. He was headed toward the fire, and was evidently astonished at the novel aspect of things on his old homestead. I roused my companions, for alligators on the Amazon are not the harmless things they are on the much frequented rivers of the United States. Thev are regular rascals, and will bite off a man’s leg as quick as a ground shark. When the monster saw us he looked savage, and made toward us. It was a pleasant situation, let me inform my readers. We were unarmed, our guns being in the boat, though that did not

make much difference. But “where there is a will there is a way,’* and, most emphatically, we had a will. The way suggested itself to me, and I seized onb of the logs which we had piled the fire, one end of which was a living mass of fire. Dixon and Willburg imitated my example, and thus armed, we moved toward the “varmint.” The rascal quickened his pace, and as he approached us, he opened his tYemendous mouth wide enough to "have taken in one of us. He did not take either of us in, but, indeed, took the w’armest dose of medicine that ever passed his jaw. It would have been horribly cruel, had not the act been done in self-defense; but when he opened his mouth I jammed the log, which was about six inches in diameter, down his throat. Such a roar as followed the assault I never heard! The alligator barked, spit, rolled over and over, kicked, scratched, and bit the ground. lu his mad struggles, he rolled down into the water and disappeared. We heard the water boil around, as he raged in his agony, but we saw no more of him. After this adventure we decided that it was not safe to sleep unguarded, and we compromised by taking turns. After I had watched about two hours by our camp-fire, I called up Dixon, who took my place, and I buried myself in the bed of dried grass before the blazing logs. I was so completely exhausted that I dropped asleep like a tired, wornout child. This time I had my nap out, for, when I waked, the sun was just rising, and one of the half-sleepy natives was on watch. Dixon was quite sound asleep in the grass, and Willburg was snoring like a torrent by the half-smol-dering fire. I got some wood and replenished our fire, so as to be in readiness for breakfast, and having nothing else to do I took a walk to explore the island. Passing round the beach on the current side of the island, I had nearly reached thejower extremity, when my attention was attracted by a splashing noise in the water not far from me. Advancing a few steps further, with a thrill of terror, I discovered a large tiger lying upon the beach. He was an ugly-looking beast, and my first instinct was to clear out, and not attempt a closer intimacy. He kept his tail flying up and down, slapping the surface of the water, and my curiosity, rather than my devotion to the science of Natural History, prompted me to ascertain the cause of this operation. The tigar was watching his tail with an interest that meant something, as he flapped it on the water. I stood very still, for I nad no wish for an introduction to his savage monarch of the South American forest. Suddenly the tiger made a spring, and to my astonishment I saw him catch in his claws a good-sized fish, which he instantly devoured. Then I understood his object. He had come out to the island on a fishing excursion to procure his morning meal. The motion of his tail somehow attracted th’e fish, and they were lured by it to the surface of the water, where they readily became the prey of the sharp-clawed fisher. It was a novel way to catch the finny inhabitants of the river, but I aft rward learned from the Indians that it was not uncommon to see tigers engaged in this sport. I had seen enough, and would have been quite content to return from the scene of operations. But this, it seemed, I was not to be peacefully permitted to do, for as I turned to leave, the monster discovered me, and made a bound toward the place where I stood. I had learned that wild beasts, though savage and untamable, are natural cowards. I therefore, with a self-possession at which I was myself surprised, stood my ground, and tried to stare the majestic creature out of countenance. He fixed his‘glaring eyes upon me, and uttered a low, prolonged growl. If I had had a rifle with me, I doubt whether I should have had the courage to fire at him, for these animals, when wounded, are perfect demons of ferocity. But I had no weapon more potent than a jack-knife, and all I could do was to stand my ground. The tiger evidently overestimated my prowess,for though he continued to face me, he did not attempt to spring on me, as I was fearful he would. I knew if I turned he would spring upon me, and that would be the end of me. There was scarcely an alternative left for me, and I had almost made up my mind ixflHr torn : there is life there is hope, though my hopes seemed very indefinite. I kept retreating slowly, a short step at a time, still facing my savage foe, and he as steadily crept upon me. I cannot undertake to tell how long it took me to come up with the fire, for in that terrible suspense every moment seemed an hour; but, at last, I reached the fire, where Dixon and Willburg were still snoring, unconscious of danger. To my surprise, the natives had retired to the boat, and were lying snugly under cover in the stern, sound asleep. I called Dixon and Willburg by name, but then did not hear. I called several times before I could bring either of them to* their senses, when Willburg, at last, awoke, looking round in astonishment, as I rushed to the boat for a rifle. “What’s the matter?” asked Willburg. “Don’t you see that tiger?” I asked from the boat as I seized my gun. “He has had his eye upon me for an hour!” His cheek blanched as he looked at the ferocious beast, now crouching near the sleeping form of Dixon, his tail vibrating in an ugly way. Willbnrg was not a man to run, whatever the danger. He looked at the tiger and then at me. “Keep silent, when I shoot, for God’s sake !”T cried, taking aim at the, ferocious beast. I fired, and the shot seemed to take effect, though not fatally; for the tiger raised himself, as if for a spring. The explosion of the gun awoke Dixon, who lifted his head, and stared around in wonder. “For heavens sake, Dixon, lie still!” cried Willburg. “Don’t yon see that tiger at your back ?” . (( The warning was sufficient for the uriterrified Dixon, who did as he was prompted, and sank quietly back to his

former position, apparently unnoticed by the tiger, who was glaring at me with the gun in my hand. “What is to be done now ? ” said Dixon, bravely, / “I will tell you what is not to be done,” said I; “don’t show him your face, or he’H pounce upon you.” “How will the fire-brands work?” ask Willburg. . “If be is burned he will be furious.” “I am going to have one at any rate.” « , “Don’t use it, only as a last resort,” said Dixon; “and get one for me.” And, quick as lightning, Dixon leaped to his feet, and rushed for the fire. Willburg handed him a fire-brand, and exclaimed: “Let us to the boat. If we can get , into it we will stand a better chance.” The two men waved their fire-brands, and kept their eyes in the face of the monster, who seemed to be intimidated by their lively inanceuvering, and, strange as it may seem, did not leap upon them. Slowly and cautiously they backed down to the boat, and we pushed it off with our feet. The Indians in the stern snored as if they had not slept for years, and were not awakened Ijy all this confusion. “Kick those infernal rascals, Willburg,” said I, “and rouse them to a sense of their danger!” S. At this time the tiger gave a growl, and made a tremendous spring. — Dixon handed me a fire-brand, and just as th® tiger’s nose reached the bow, and his feet splashed at .the bow of the boat, I punched him in the face with the burning stick I held in my hand, and I am free to say that it was the foolishest thing I ever did in my life. His nose was severely burned; but, so far as disabling or intimidating him, it roused in him a degree of ferocity which greatly dimished the chances of our escape. “Look out,” shouted Dixon. ft He will upset the boat.” “Youmust keep her right side up; but hold on to the fire-brand. ” The tiger, repelled for a moment by the fire, immediately advanced to the assault. When he had come within a few feet of the boat he made a desperate spring, and fastened his paws upon 'the gunwale, struggling to throw himself into the boat. The crisis had come, and I again thrust the fire-brand into his face, and belabored him over the head with the stick. • But he held on with a tenacity that threatened dur destruction. Dixon, excited by the terrible fray, rose from his position in the bottom of the boat, for the purpose of coming to my assistance. V “Sit down, Dixon! More aft! We shall be swamped if you stir!” I roared, in tones that caused him instantly to obey. Seizing the brand he held, I applied it vigorously to the eyes and mouth of the beast, and then pounded him on the head till my strength was gone. But the tiger, exhausted by his strugglesand the maddening pain of the fire in his mouth and eyes, released his grasp and fell over backward into the water. The savage animal was hardly in a worse condition than I was, for w’hen he let go, I threw myself down in the bottom of the boat, unable longer to support even my own weight. Willburg sprang forward and took my place, but there was no longer any need of a defense, for the tiger was making the water boil with his tremendous struggles; it was evident that the fire had done its work upon his eyes, and that he could no longer see us. “Are you hurt?” demanded Dixon, when satisfied the tiger could not again attack us.” “We are now safe.” “Keep your eyes on the tiger,” I gasped. “There is no danger; he is settling up his accounts. The boat is drifting away from him, and we are out of his reach.” The knowledge that we were safe revived me, and in a few minutes I had in a great measure recovered from the effects of the struggle. We watched with interest the fearful spasms of our late foe, which grew fainter and fainter, and at last ceased. “He is dead,” said Dixon. “Died hard, too. I pounded him hard enough to have killed a horse.” ’ “He didn’t die of your pounding. It was the fire that did the work. The pain of his eyes caused those struggles, and he was drowned.” “We are rid of him, at any rate.” Just then the natives opened their eyes, and rubbed ttiein, yawning, as if they had not been on the verge of death. • “Shall we throw them overboard?” “No—no —let them alone,” said I. “The infernal sleepy rascals deserve a ducking, however; and if we could navigate this country without them, I should favor chucking a them overboard at once!”

“Says He” and “Says I.”

We all know people who have the annoying and silly habit *of interspersing their conversation with “says I” and “says he,” which is pronounced “sez I” and “sez ’e,” but generally abbreviated to “si” and “se.” Some people have it so bad that it is annoying to listen to them, for while we are noticing the “si” and “se” we naturally lose the thread of the conversation. It’s enough to aggravate a Sphinx to be compelled to respectfully listen to something like this: “I met Rev. Jones down street Che other day, and he didn’t seem to recognize me, so I went up to him and says to him, sez I, ‘Howdo, Mr. Jones?’ ‘si: sez’e, ‘Mrs. Brown, you’re almost a stranger,’ se. ‘I haven’t seen you at meetin’ lately,’ se, and sez’e ‘I almost ’lowed you was down sick’ se. ‘No,’ sez I, ‘I haint been sick’ si, ‘but I’ve been so pressed with work,’si, ‘that ’gin I get through for the day’ si, ‘it’s most time to go bed,’ si. *Y6s,’ sez’e, T reckon with your large family,’ se, ‘you have e’en a'most as much as you can do,’ se, and sez’e, ‘the Lord is with you, Sister Brown,’ se. ’ — The Hoosier.

Political Note.

“Who is your choice for Speaker of the House, Mr. Taukenphast?” < “My choice is myself; but my wife usurps the position and persists in being the speaker of our house.’’— The Hoosier. .. .. . ....

THE EMPEROR OF CHINA.

A Rich and Luxurious Home—The Young , Monarch’s Education. The ruler of the 2(50,000,000 of which the Chinese nation probably consists is now within five years of his majority, and is an occupant, while yet a min'or, of the same apartments in which the Emperor lived who preceded him on the Dragon throne. There, says the North China Herald, he eats with goldtipped chopstioks of ivory. There he sleeps on a large Ningpo bedsted, richly carved and ornamented with ivory and gold. Like one of those living Buddhas who may be seen in a lamasery on the Mongolian ffiateau, he is kpelt to by all his attendants and honored as a god. The building in which the Emperor resides is called Yang Hsin Tien, arid is a little to the west of the Ch’len Ch’iu Men in the middle Ci the palace. At the back of the central gate, on the south side, is the great reception hall. When ministers of state and others enter for an audience, at 4, 5 or 6 in the morning, according to custom, they have to go on foot to the center of the palace, over half a mile, if they enter by the east or west gate, and when -they—get on in years they can-appreciatethe Enjperor’s favor, which then by a decree allows them to be borne in a chaiy instead’ of walking. . ■ —— " The rooms of the Emperor consist of seven compartments. They are providedwith the divan or k’ang, the peenliar institution of North China. The k’angs are covered with red felt of native manufacture,, and the floor with European carpets. The cushions all have embroidered on them the dragon and the phoenix. Pretty things scattered through the rooms are endless in variety, and are changed in accordance with any wish expressed by the Emperor, in all thirty yards long by from eight to ten yards deep, and are divided into three seperate apartments, the throne room being the middle one. Folding doors ten feet in height open into each of these apartments to the north and south in the center of each. The upper part of these doors is in open work, in w’hich various auspicious characters and flowers are curved. At the back paper is pasted, to admit light to the rooms. The front is ornamented with gilding, sculpture and varnish of various colors. These doors remain open even in winter, because during that season a thick embroidered curtain of damask is hung in the door way, which by its weight keeps its place close to the door posts and prevents cold air from entering In summer this is re placed by a curtain admitting the breeze on account of its being made of very thin strips of bamboo. The silk threads used in sewing the stripes of bamboo together through are, of various dolors, and, passing through the whole texture of the curtain from the top to the bottom, are very agreeable to the eye. These summer and winter curtains are rolled up to give air to the rooms when required. Exit and entrance are effected on each side of these /curtains by side jdoors. Along the Whole front of thirty yards there is a covered flight of steps fifteen feet wide. The roof over this rests on two rows of pillars. The pillars shine with fresh vermillion, both within the rooms and on the steps outside, and are decorated with sculptured work, partly gilt and partly varnished. The ‘.Emperor -was vaccinated when an infant, before his high destiny was thought of, otherwise it would have been difficult to vaccinate’him, for, his person being sacred when Emperor, no lances can touch him. The Princess, his mother, goes t® see him once a montli/Tind kneels when she first speaks to him, but rises afterward. His father does so too. The Emperor studies Chinese daily for. an hour and a half, and Manchu also for an hour and a half. He spends two hours in archery and riding, and in winter amuses himself with sledging.

Comparative Happiness.

A hard-working Stammer met an honest Corn down at the seashore during the hot days. “And wh-wh-wh-whht have you been dud-dud-dud-doing -with yourself all su-su-su-summer-summer?” he asked, deliberately. The Corn waited for the end of the procession with beautiful patience. “Oh,” he said, with a laugh that “1.-tows had lots of fun. Early in the spring, when the weather Was damp, I settled down on a fat man with the asthma. He couldn’t get down on his knees without crying, anti I pre-emptied a claim a little on the other side of his off toe, on the outside range, Every night when he got down to have a catchweight rastle with me, I laughed till I was nearly dead. He used to lie on his back, hold his feet above his head, and slash at me with a razor. You never saw anything so funny in your life.” “Oh, dud-dud-dud-dud didn’t I, then?” replied the Stammer, slowly. “You wuh-wuh-wuh-wuh-wait a mumminute. I fooled-fooled-fooled around wuh-with a tut-teacher of elocution nun-nun-nearly all wuh-winter, and then right in the bub-bub-busy spring suh-season I cuc-cuc-caught a down tut-tut-tut-town auctioneer bub-by the ehuh-chuh-chin, and th-throwed the cue crowd into cuc-convulsions suh-suh-six tut-times a week. Oh, nun-no! I dud-dud-don’t h-have no good times. I lu-lu-Ju-look solemn and I tet-talk slow, but I ain’t so s-s-slow as I Inlook.”—San Francisco Argonaut.

Opposed to Prohibition.

“Yes,” said the Widow Flapjack, who is chief executive officer of an Austin boarding house, “yes, I must say I am very much, opposed to prohibition and closing up the saloons, and all that sort of thing. It’s all a base scheme against the best interests of the hotel keepers and landladies.” “Why, I am surprised to hear you express such unchristian sentiments, and you a church member, too. How do you inake out that prohibition is against the interests of the landladies?” “If prohibition goes into effect all the saloons will be closed up and'then all the free lunches will stop, Jfow, I’ve noticed that among my young men

boarders tlm aisrpated ones are th« most profitable. Before they caine tc dinner they always step into the saloon and get a sour beer or a schooner pi toddy, or something of that kind, and they fill up on the free lunch, and when they come to the dinner table they don’t hardly eat anything, while the steady young men who never drink just gorge themselves. O, my, you ought to see ’em eat! They just take the profits off, and if it fbr the free lunches and the “next morning” feeling that some of the boarders suffer from occasionally. I' don’t know what we poor landladies would do. There’d be no profit in the business. Yes, lam opposed to prohibition for purely economical reasons.’’ And the Widow Flapjack sighed and went out and gave orders to cut the pie into seven pieces instead of six.— Texas Siftings.

A Night of Terror.

A good story is told on one of the best known and most popular commercial tourists traveling in this circuit, As he hasn’t paid us anything as hush money we feel bound by duty and the insatiable demands of our friends, who persist in wanting something to read, to give publicity to the episode, and now you have it. The tourist, who is the hero of this tale, has an intense, almost maniacal hatred for the species of bug that sometimes is found inhabiting beds, and if, perchance, he encounters any of the pesky critters he is sure to go into “conniptions”—and the office—and raise a small sized thunder in the vicinity of his locality. Not long since he put up at a hotel in a small town not a million miles from Fort W’ayne, He was given room No. 13, which, to his superstitious mind, boded evil. But as he had to take room 13 or nothing, he took room 13. On retiring to his couch, in other words, when he went to bed, he set about to minutely examine the interstices of the furniture, all the while in great fear that he would find wdiat he was looking for and surprise a colony ot the enemy. But he found not a living, creeping creature, so, partly assured, he blew out the gas, or turned off thd candle or whatever it was, and got between the covers. We say partly assured, because he had done the same thing before and discovered before morning that he hadn't looked in the right place for the bugs. He lay awake for an hour waiting for the voracious beasts of prey to begin on his anatomy. In this frame of mind it was easy to imagine he could feel the tickling sensation produced by the bugs running races up and down his—his limbs. Now he was sure he could feel the trotting, and pacing and running stock exercising on the track. Yes, and even the heavy draught and general purpose bugs he could feel as they were led out to be awarded the premium. Hejgrewrdesperate.: y He grew more desperate. What had he done that he should be made to serve as an agricultural fair ? The live stock seemed to be getting more numerous and heavy until—great jeewhilikens! he could feel one walking over his feet. He could feel its footsteps, and it appeared to be outside the covers. Slowly it stepped over his feet and then deliberately began to walk airing the now thoroughly terrified drummer's—limbs. He could have sworn that this Jumpo of bugs weighed five pounds. —He could stand it no longer. Whyshould he lie there quietly to be devoured by this voracious Goliath of bugdom ? He wouldn’t. With a terrific and almost unearthly yell, he gave a furious kick that sent the bug across the room, while he (the drummer) ran out of his room and came in collision with a committee consisting of the night Clerk, (who was also dish-washer during the day) the landlady, a chambermaid and a locomotive engineer who wanted to know what was up, 2ZZZZZZ “Oh! Lord Coleridge, what bugs! what bugs!” was all the terrified fellow’ could Offer in explanation. “Bugs, you drunken deliriuin tremens galoot,—do you say there are bugs in my house?” demanded the irate landlady. “Go and see for yourselves,” panted the tourist. The committee, all but the chambermaid who had precipitately flown when she saw the drummer’s deshabille (which is French for underclothes) now “I kicked a whopper of a bug into that corner,” said the commercial man, “and maybe you’ll find him there with a broken neck.” The landlady with the light advanced to the point indicated, and bolding the tallow dip aloft she‘pointed to a creature under the washstand. “There’s your big bug, sir.” It was the cat.— The Hoosier.

Indian Conjurers.

The performances by the Davenport brothers and other spiritualists are clumsy compared"with the arts of the far Northwest Indians. The conjurers are legion that will permit themselves to be bound, not merely hand and foot, but the whole body swathed with thongs, withes, ropes and rawhides, and afterward tied up in a net, and then release themselves almost instantly on being placed in a little “medicine lodge” of skins constructed for the purpose, the bonds being thrown out through an opening in the top, without a knot apparently disturbed. Dr. Archie Stockwell writes that he saw- a medicine man go through with a long series of incantations, drummings, rattlings of gourds, etc., for “the relief of a consumptive, lying in the centre of an ordinary lodge. Suddenly he announced that he had discovered the spirit that affiieted the sufferer, and thereupon, plunging his hands beneath the single blanket with which she was covered, drew forth the carcass of a full-grown wolf, and flung it with great violence against the door, greatly lo the delight, mystification and satisfaction of the beholders. He now assured the friends of the speedy recovery of the sqqaw, but she died the same night, nevertheSilk - hand-purses with monograms are much worn—empty.

PITH AND POINT.

[From the Fort Wayne Hoosier. 7 The favorite song of the base-ballist while trying to tally—“ There’s no place like home.” i A man who is a fodl and knows it sometimes knows more than many a man who thinks he is wise. > “A rich man hath many crosses,” says an old proverb. ThiA is only another way of stating that he has many an X. In China parents feel it their duty to make matches for their children before they are really old enough to be trusted with matches? We are in favor of dealing with the Indians On the peace plan. That is, cut them to pieces first and then argue with them afterwards. Appearances are. often deceitful. Many a man who cannot say the alphabet backwards still may know enough to go in when it rains. “Witness, did you say that after the quarrel you have just related, the defendant went off in a huff?” “No, your Honor, I said he went off in a wagon.” The literary ingenuity of the patentmedicine fiend has- made it both p opular and safe to read newspaper articles as many people read novels —the last end first. A Bluffton man went to Chicago, stayed over night at a hotel and- blew out the gas. As he didn’t die it can still be said that “the fools are not all dead yet.” “Residuum? What an odd name for a horse! What on earth made you call him that?” said Duflix to Fink. “Because I got left on him,” said Fink, laconically, as he walked away. [From Peck’s Sun.l A petrifihd oyster has been' found by a Charleston (S. C.) man. He expects to make a fortune by renting it out for church-sociable stews. A fashion paper says “kittens’ heads are to take the place of birds’ heads on the coming bonnet.” The first thing we know some woman will be carried to the hospital with a fractured skull. Some absent-minded husband will sling a boot-jack at the kitten’s head. A German accosted a broad-brimed specimen from Texas, on Wisconsin street. “Who vos you, I don’t know?” Looking the inquisitive German in the face he., replied, “I am a cow-boy.” “Dot’s good,” replied our German friend, “Shake; I vos a bully boy doo?” They shook. ~~ A Montana cabin on the Northern Pacific railroad hung out the following sign written with charcoal: “Only nine miles to water and twenty miles from wood. No grub in the house. God bless our horiie.” A man in such a predicament must have more than ordinary faith to hold out long. A North Carolina woman recently dislocated her jaw by yelling at a campmeeting. It would be better for the managers of a camp meeting to put in a seam boiler, and fog horn, where so much noise is needed, and not dislocate a woman’s jaw by over-working it. To be sure, a woman's jaw is calculated to stand a good deal of wear and tear, but there are times when the requirements exceed the capacity. [From the Norristown Herald.] An exchange says “there are two moons this month,” but it is safe to wager that the man weo sees two moons is not a member of a temperance society. A scientist says that in the moon a hickory nut falling from a bough would crash through a man like aminnie ball. That settles it. We shall never go to the moon to gather hickory nuts. A young man while out riding one Sunday was thrown from his carriage and had oneof his legs broken. Thepunishment was visited upon him for breaking the Sabbath. He should have gone out and played base ball. Major Daniel Simpson, “the veteran drummer of Boston,” celebrated his 93d birthday a few day ago. It is supposed that fie always went a few miles out in the country when he wished to beat his drum. His great longevity is evidence that he never played on the aggravating thing withing hearing of his neighbors. A prying sort of an individual has discovered that the oyster has a trunk. ’Sneh aTeceptable may be necessary, "• from the fact that the oyster spends the summer by the seashore; but if the bivalve wants to put on as many airs as the fashionable young lady at the seaside, It must also have a big band-box and a little pug dog. \

Religious Note.

“I had the funniest experience the other day,” said Blinks. “I rode fifty miles on the Wabash with a car-load of nuns before l knew “You don’t mean to say you didn’t recognize the nuns ?” “Thafs exactly what I mean to convey. and I didn’t know they were nuns until I asked them for a. chew of tobacco.” “Oh, go ’way!” “It’S a fact. I went to every individual passenger in the car asking for a jhew, and every blasted one of them answered ‘none.’ ” Blinks’ friend is still trying to get the joke through his head. Fort Wayne Hoosier.

Silence as an Awakener.

Silence will sometimes awaken a man more expeditiously than the loudest uproar. For instances When a minister is discoursing at the top of his voice on a hot Sunday, how sweetly somnolence broods over half the congregation! But let the minister stop suddenly’ in hisdiscourse,ahdbe absolutely silent" for half, a minute, how wide awake they ire. No thunder-clap in the country, nr gong at a summer hotel, ever aroused slumlierers more speedily or thoroughly. Ami ability is Die sqpshineof the soul which causes, smiles to bloom on the dips, and expands the heart ps the rays of the sun open the buds of the rose. Blanket® and heavy quilts will be much used during the coming winter.