Rensselaer Republican, Volume 16, Number 11, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 22 November 1883 — PITH AND POIST. [ARTICLE]

PITH AND POIST.

[From the Fort Wayne Hoosier.l The refined way of saying “I’m not a hog” is “My natural desires are limited to a sufficiency.” ‘ Jones says he never needs to pay for a warm bath. His wife keeps him constantly in hot water. —■- The poorer the preacher and the less he is able to say “words that burn,” the more he preaches of Hades and eternal scorching. Sometimes a judge is confounded by a complicated case, but oftener hem confounded by the parties who lose tbeir case. , “Broken English” is what they called it when a Webster’s dictionary fell out of a third-story window and flew to pieces on the pavement. “Oh, sir,” said a little beggar, “won’t you give me a nickel ? My parents are dead, my father can’t get any work, and my mother is aw'ful sick.” “He never pays anything,” some one said of a young man about town. “Oh, yes he does,” said a citizen; “he pays his addresses to my daughter.” When the first Atlantic cable was completed, it gave some paragrapher an opportunity to inquire if news thus sent through Balt water would be fresh? After describing a hunter’s struggle with a grizzly bear, during which all of the hunter’s clothes were torn off, a western paper says he barely escaped with his life.

“Hello, Jones, I’m glad to see you.* Jones, pretending not to recognize Smith for fear he’d tap him for a lean: “My dear sir, you have the advantage of me.” “Yes, ’most any one has who possesses ordinary intelligence.” “Bridget,” said an East Wayne street lady to her domestic, “where is the dustpan?” “With the broom, ma’am.” “And where is the broom ?” “With the dust-pan, ma'am.” “Well, Bridget, tell me—where are they both ?” “They are both together, ma’am. Tears like you’re almighty particular to-day.” [From Peck's Sun.] A man in Ohio paid $250 to secure the nomination for constable, The Ohio man is always looking out for a stepping stone to the Presidency. When a man gets so low as to steal his grandmother’s false teeth and Iry to pawn or sell them, as did a Buffalo young man, his days of usefulness are passed. Such a dastardly trick is next to murder and he who would be guilty of it should be compelled to have his teeth knocked out with a cold chisel, and be compelled to chew beef for his grandmother. It is alleged that a man in Georgia has a rooster that “strikes the hour.” He crows twelve times every night at 12 o’clock, and is sure not to very a second from the correct time. Let us see. The Apostle Peter had something to do with a night-crowing rooster some years since. His rooster crew thrice, while the Georgia mans crows twelve times. According to this, it is calculated that the Georgia man can prevaricate four time to Peter’s ouce. Tally one for Georgia. An English magazine is speculating as to “the kind of clothes ghosts wear.” Such a profound and very, important subject as that should be most carefully and prayerfully considered. Too much attention cannot be given as the cut of of ghosts’ clothes. If cut on the bias the ladies want to know it. If cut goring, why, that too should be known. If the mother hubbard is worn there may be some consolation in that, but above all things don’t let the public be deceived in believing that ghosts’ clothes are nothing but spirit wrappers. This is indeed a most important subject.

A prisoner just after being sentenced by an Albany judge, remarked to the judge that he would like to murder him. “I hope you will rot in ypur grave.” T*lie judge added anotlier year to the sentence. There a similar story where a prisoner got more than he bargained for, by talking back to the court. A Michigan judge who felt the great importance and responsibility of his position and determined to maintain it, once sentenced a man to be con-, fined in the State’s prison during the natural period of his life. “Thank you, your honor,” replied the prisoner after •seaianse .-was . p®ecjß»oed. « “ W>k*y»that?" demanded the judge. “Thank you, your honor,” replied tlie prisoner. “See here, old man, I don’t want any back talk in this court. I sentence you to five*years more,” solemnly remarked the judge with an air of dignity that froze out all sense of the ridiculousness of the sentence/