Rensselaer Republican, Volume 16, Number 6, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 18 October 1883 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

Gknuinb self-denial—Saying “Not at Our infant industries—cradle manufactories. A man’s mind is like his bed. It must be made bp occasionally. If you think nobody cares for you in this cold worl<J, just try to learn to play the fiddle or the piano in a populous neighborhood. A WAHNIN'. De man what 'pends on de rooster fer ter crow An’ wake 'lm up 'arly In de mawnin’, May sometime fin’ dat de rooster Is no mo’, But wus stolen sev’al 'ours fore de dawnin', —Gaorgia Major. Medical professor to raw student: “Where is the glottis?” “I don’t know* sir. I think you put it on the shelf in the dissecting-room with the rest of your surgical instruments. “Don’t pull|me around so,” said the thief to the policemen, “I have a felon upon my finger!” “ And I have my finger upon a felon,” remarked the policeman, with a sardonic smile. Many of the cannons that were used during the war are now standing muzzle down as posts for national cemetery fences. Having done their work, they now stand as sentinels for the dead. It is announced that one of the greatest pianists of the world has lately been confined in a lunatic asylum. And still people wonder at the increase in the number of lunatics among common people who are only obliged to listen to the joyous notes of the piano.— GeorgePeck. An Indiana town brings forth the champion old man. It is said that he is nearly 80 years old, and that he is very fond of skating, and skates as nimbly as a boy. But when a local paper says that he takes down his violin and plays until far into the night, it causes people to wonder how he has been permitted to live so long.— Peck’s Sun. A bachelor and a spinster who had been schoolmated in youth and Were about the same age met in after years, and the lady chancing to remark that, “men live a great deal faster than women,” the bachelor replied: “Yes, Maria; the last time we met we were each 24 years old; now I'm over TO, and I hear you haven’t reached 30 yet.” They never met again.

E. Borter, an lowa editor, was in Austin last week. He had a very rubicund sac suggestive of a eissipated life. As” he was walking up the street, a, gentleman remarked: “That fellow is so highly colored that he reminds me of a chromo.” “He reminds me more of an engraving than a chromo/’ remarked a bystander. “How so?” “Well, you see, an engraving always has a glass in front of it, and a chromo hasn’t.”— Texas Siftings. Now' the scientists tell us that the concentric rings in a tree are no guide whatever to the tree’s age; that a section of the trunk may show thirty rings when the tree is only 8 years old. There you go again. By-and*-by, when you go to buy a cow and stand appalled at seeing forty-six rings on each horn, the man will pull a copy of “Origin of Species” on you and swear by all that is scientific that that cow is a heifer, only 13 months old come next June. “Mamma,” said little Johnny, “do you know what I wapt for my next birthday present?” “No, my son, what is it?” “I want you to die so that I can get a new mamma.” “Why, Johnny, I thought you loved me.” “So I do, mamma, but you like Fido, and you won’t let me tie a tin kettle to his tail. Now, if I had a new mamma, perhaps she would hate dogs, and then she would let me amuse ,myself playing with poor Fido. I want to put him in the cistern to see how long he can swim.”— Texas Siftings. A hater of tobacco asked an old .negro woman, the fumes of whose pipe were annowing him, if she thought she was a Christian. “Yes, brudder, I ’specs I is.” “Do you believe in the Bible?” “Yes, brudder.” Do you know that there is a passage in the Scripture which says that nothing unclean shall inherit the Kingdom of Heaven?” “Yes, I’ve heard it.” “Well. Chloe, you smoke; and you cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven, because there is nothing so unclean as the breath of the smoker. What do you say to that?” “Why, J •spects to leave my breff behind when I go dur.”— Boston Globe. '■ A young man at a social party was vehemently urged to sing a song. He replied that he would first tell a story,, and then, if they still presisted in their '(demand, he would endeavor to execute a song. When a boy, he said, he took lessons in singing, and one Sunday jnorning he went up into the garret tn alone. While in full cry he '/was suddenly sent for by the old gentleman. “This is pretty conduct!” said; .the father, “pretty employment for the .son of pious parents to be sawing boards in the garret on Sunday morning, loud [enough to be heard by all the neighbors. Sit down and take you book.” The young man was unanimously excused! ffrom singing the proposed song.