Rensselaer Republican, Volume 16, Number 3, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 27 September 1883 — Page 2

aubap for udhe. BY WENDELL HOLMES. Old IronMUe" at anchor lay, In the harbor of Mahon; A dead calm rested on the bay— The wayea to sleep had gone; 'When little Hal, the Captain’s son, A lad both brate and good. In eport, up shroud and ringing ran, , And on the main-truck stood! A shudder ran through event vein, AH eyes were turned; on high! There stood the boy, with ditzy. brain, Between the sea and sky; No hold had he above, below; Alone he stood In air: ToAbat fhr height none dared to go; No aid could reach him there. He gazed—but not a man could speak! With horror all aghast, In groups, with pallid brow and cheek. We matched the quivering mast. The atmosphere grew thick and hot, And of a l .quid hue— As, riveted unto the spot. Stood officers and crew. The father came on desk—he'gasped, 1 “O Ood! thy will be done 1” Then, suddenly a rifle grasped, Ann aimed at his son; ““Jump, far out, boy. into the wave! Juinp or I fire!” he said; "That's the only chance your life can save! Jump, jump, boy"—he obeyed. He sunk—he rose—he lived—he moved — And for the ship struck out: On board we bailed the lad beloved, With manv a manlv shout. His father drew, in silent joy. Those wet arms round his neck— Then folded to his heart the boy, And fainted on the deck. •

MISS GRACE’S ILLUSION.

Miss Grace Archoli, the youngest daughter of a wealthy city merchant residing at South Kensington, received •on her 16th birthday a present of a handsome diamond necklace from her god-father. It was an extravagant gift for a young girl, but the donor was rich and eccentric. Miss Grace was naturally highly delighted with her first really-good pidbe of jewelry, and wore it with conscious pride at a little birthday party the same evening. Her parents were away on the continent, or possibly they might have objected to this proceeding. In their absence, however, Miss Grace scoffed at the wisdom of her elder sisters, who represented, not without a spice of envy, perhaps, that such ostentation was in bad taste. She received many congratulations on her good fortune from her young friends, who regarded the diamonds with a sort of woe-stricken admiration. On retiring to rest, Miss Grace persisted in carrying the necklace up to her room, perversely declining to deposit it in the strong-room, where the plate was kept, being, apparently, rather unduly elated at the sensation it had caused. In the middle of the night the household was arroused by a loud shriek, and Miss Grace was found on the landing outside her door in a very scared and hysterical state. It was some time before her sisters and the servants could ascertain from her what was the matter, but at length they elicited that she had been awakened by some one moving about her room, and had distinctly heard and seen a man go up to the dressing-table and subsequently disappear through the door. According to her account she hud rushed out cf bed, too frightened to utter a sound, <nd had seen the man making his way down the stairs. She had not dared to follow him, but had, with some difficulty, raised an alarm. This recital naturally caused the greatest excitement. The butler and footman, who slept in the basement, had not yet appeared, upon the scene, and the terrified women, for was no male member of the family in the house, began to scream and make a commotion. Somebody threw up a window which opened upon the street and shouted for the police. Ono of the elder girls, more courageous than the rest, went down-stairs to put the men servants on the alert. There was a /general move toward Miss Grace’s droom, where it was ascertained that -pot only the diamond necklace, but a ring and a few smaller articles of _ jewelry had vanished. In the midst of the lamentations and paroxysms which ensued the door-bell •was heard to ring, and presently several persons mounted the stairs headed l>y the butler. Among others was a .young surgeon named Lake, who retaided a few doors off. A constable was «3lbo of the party, which was mainly composed of gentlemen who were returning home from a ball in the neightsorhood. The cause of the alarm having been explained, a careful search was made for the burglar - , but no trace •of him was found. A window on one •of the landings was discovered to be open, and it was possible he had escaped by it, though the descent must have been perilous. Tliis possibility, however, became a certainty when it was ascertained that all the other windows and doors in the house were securely fastened, and that the thief was dearly no longer upon the premises. While the search was proceeding, Dr. Lake was requested to Step up stairs to Miss Grace’s room, where one of the •servants had fainted from terror and •could not be brought to. The doctor -was a young practitioner who was said to be extremely clever at his prof ession, but he was allowed few opportunities •Of giving evidence of his ability. In other words, he had no patients, though lie had been in practice a year or two, «nd was undergoing that painful period of probation which falls to the lot of most medical men. He had rather a striking face, with keen eyes and a resolute chin, and was decidedly goodlooking. He soon disposed of his patient, whom he restored to consciousness by the simple and summary method of •dousing her head with cold water. He then turned to Miss Grace, who was aow quiet and composed,sCffTootecT very pretty with heskfsxr hair down her .Jbaak, he«,fittshed cheeks, and her smart dressing-gown, which showed off her girlish figure to advantage. He knew tiie family rather intimately, in a neighborly way, and had, in fact, spent the evening there an hour or two previously, so he accosted her without ceremony, and proceeded to feel her pulse, keeping his fixed upon her. “You sepin to have recovered your bright, Miss Grace,” he said in a mat“Yas. thank you," she replied, with nervonsneas.

fore you went to bed ?” he inquired, abruptly. , 1 “I put it—l mean I left it on the dressing table with the other tilings,” replied Miss Grace, flushing more becomingly than ever. Dr. Lake left her side, and strode over to the fire-place, whfere he stood chatting on, the hearth-rug, leaning against the mantel-shelf. A few minutes later the butler came up to report the result of the search, which as .before stated, was futile. A comparative dense of security being now restored, the gentlemen who had resporded to the cries for help took their departure Dr. Lake among them. The constable lingered behind a minute or so to partake of the refreshment which the butler offered him after his arduous labors. When he left the house he found the doctor smoking a cigarette at the gate, apparently waiting for him. “Have you searched the garden ?” inquired Dr. Lake, rather impatiently. “Yes, sir,” replied the constable; “me and the butler went round.” “Did you find any footsteps beneath the window through which the man escaped ? I suppose you didn’t think to look,” he added sharply, seeing the constable hesitated. “Well, sir, it wouldn’t be much good, not in the iswk,” said the constable, rather sulkily. “I am coming round first thing in the morning.” “You have your lantern. Surely the chance of obtaining an important clew ought-net-to bo neglected. It might rain before the morning. Let us make a careful search at once,” said Dr. Lake, in an authoritative tone, leading the way to the rear of the house. The constable followed with an aggrieved air, evidently resenting this amateur interference, and his manner was decidedly insolent as he pointed out that the gravel path beneath the window in question .showed no footprints. Dr. Lake, however, not the least disconcerted, fell back a step or two and looked up at the house. “After all, it is hardly likely the fellow would have dropped from that height on to a hard gravel path,” he said, meditatively. “He must have Jumped sideways onto that bed ypnder. ust bring your lantern here a minute.” This surmise turned out to be correct, for some shrubs were found to be trampled down, and there was a deep impression of footmarks, showing where the man had jumped, with less distinct indications of his subsequent progress. He appeared to hawa -fallen into the midst of the flower-bed, and then to have run across the lawn, though on the grass all traces of him were lost, owing to the dryness Of the ground. “That’s him, clear enough, sir,” remarked the policeman, more respectfully. "Well, you must point this out to the Inspector in the morning,” said Dr. Lake; “meanwhile, we had better cover up the marks, to prevent their being obliterated by rain or by a predatory cat.” “There seems to be a box over there by the outhouse,” after turning the light of his lantern in various directions. “The very thing. It will cover the marks and keep them intact till the morning,” said Dr. Lake, stepping across and fetching a shallow deal-box which the constable had referred to. This was carefully placed over the footprints, and was found to protect them completely. Dr. Lake bade the constable “good-night” and hurried home to bed, while the officer, with a virtuous feeling of having thoroughly done his duty, returned to his beat. The next morning an Inspector called and inquired into the circumstances of the robbery. What seemed to strike him as extraordinary was that the thief should have gone straight to Miss Grace’s room and stolen a jewel which she had only possessed a few hours. He was strongly inclined to suspect some of the servants, for they were the only persons who would be likely to know of the young lady’s now treasure, and that she had it in her room that night. He cross-questioned all of them, however, without eliciting anything to justify his suspicions; and, on* the other hand, there were the footpiints in the garden, which clearly pointed to the robbery having been committed by some person from outside. Miss Grace could throw very little light on the mystery, having only seen the dim outline of the man, and being unable to say whether he was tall or short. On hearing of the occurrence, Mr. and Mrs. Archoll immediately returned home, feeling nervous about remaining away after what had taken place. Inspector Davis called upon Mr. Archoll on hearing he had come back, and from his business-like manner was evidently an experienced officer. „ “Have you any clew?” was naturally Mr. Archoll’s first inquiry. “Well, this is an extraordinary case, sir,” said Inspector Davis, evasively. “It rather beats my experience. Do you know a Dr. Lake, sir?” “Yes; there is a young surgeon of that name living a few doors off,” replied Mr. Archoll, with some surprise. “I think I should like you to call upon him with me, sir,” said, the Inspector, rather mysteriously. “I want to ask him a question or two. ” “Certainly,” said Mr. Archoll, rising from his seat. “Let me see, didn’t he come in that night when the alarm was raised?” “Yes. sir, I believe he did,”’ said thS Inspector, dryly. 1 oung Dr. happened to be at home, and received them ip a small room, where he was sitting in ragged shooting-coat and slippers, enjoying an evening pipe. L “Howaoyouffo, I ”sfr. Archoll?” he said, cordially. “I did not know you were back.” “I only arrived an hour or two ago/' replied Mr. Archoll, as they shook hands. “This is Inspector Davis, who wishes to ask ypn a question or two with reference to that affair at my house the other night By-the-by, I have to thank you for coming to the rescue.” “Don’t mention it," said Dr. Lake, turning rather curiously toward the de-, tective. _ . „ ■ “You were soon up and dressed, sir, remarked Inspector Davis, seating himself atiflly on the edge of a chair in obe-

dience to a gesture from the Doctor. “The butler tells me you came rotfnd immediately.” “Yes. I had not beqn to bed,* returned Dr. Lake. “After returning 'from spending the "evening i>t Mr. Archoll’s house, I sat up smoking and reading. ” “You no doubt noticed the young lady’s necklace,” said the Inspector glancing at Mr. Archoll. “Particularly, and admired it very much,” replied Dr. Lake, looking him straight in the face. Inspector Davis appeared a trifle disconcerted by the directness of the doctor’s answer, and assumed a more deferential tone. “Have you any objection, sir, to let me see one of your boots?” he inquired, glancing at the doctor’s slippered feet. “You will find the pair I have just taken off in the corner there,” said Dr. Lake, with rather an uneasy laugh. The Inspector had pounced upon them almost before the words wore uttered, at the same time producing from his pocket a piece of paper on which was traced the outline of afoot. The doctor’s foot fitted the diagram exactly. “What does this mean ?” inquired Mr. Archoll,, as the Inspector looked up with a complacent expression. “This is a diagram of the footprints made by the person who stole your daughter’s necklace when he«sprang from the staircase window,” explained the detective, looking sharply at Dr. Lake? “I wish to speak to you alone a minute, Mr. Archoll,” saidtfie latter, changing color. “Will you be good eTnough to step into the next room, a minute, Inspector ?” Mr. Davis looked at Mr. Archoll doubtfully, but, as the latter gave him no encouragement to remain, he followed. The _ doctor rather reluctantly into the adjoining apartment. “Those infernal footprints have upset my plans,’’said Dr. Lake, confidentially, as he returned and proceeded to unlock a drawer in his desk. “Here is the necklace and the rest of the things. You will find them all there,” he added, laying* a small parcel on the table at Mr. Archoll’s elbow. “Good God! what is the meaning of this, Lake?” exclaimed Mr. Archoll starting violently. “It is easily explained. While the search was going on at - your house the dther night, I was sent for to attend a servant who had fainted in Miss Grace’s room. I was at once struck by your daughter’s demeanor. Her pulsp was singularly calm, considering her recent fright. She gave me the impression of acting a part, and I could not refrain from asking her rather abruptly where she had placed the missing jewelry. Being taken back her eyfes involuntarily turned toward the fire-place before she answered me, and, following her glance, I perceived that the ornamental shavings in the empty grate had been slightly disarranged. I immediately guessed that the thing were hidden there.”

“By—by the thief?” suggested Mr. Archoll, turning pale. “No. By Miss Grace,” rejoined Dr. Lake, quietly. “I stepped across to the fire-place, and, when no one was looking, I plunged my hand into the grate, and grasped a small parcel, which I put in my pocket. Nobody saw me except Miss Grace.” “Grace saw you!” exclaimed Mr. Archoll. “ Yes. She was watching me apprehenlively, divining, I suppose, that I had discovered her secret. But her mouth was closed, and she could saynothing. ” you mean to insinuate that my daughter deliberately raised a false alarm?” said Mr. Archoll, sternly. “Undoubtedly. But I unfortunately made the discovery too late,” resumed the doctor. “A hue and cry had been raised, Miss Grace had given a detailed version of her story before half a dozen persons, including the servants, and the details of the supposed robbery were bound to get abroad. I took the jewels to relieve the young lady from embarrassment in the future, and to endeavor to avoid the unpleasant gossip which would arise if the truth of the matter became known. The best way of doingzthis seemed to be to givp some color to the robbery, and to let the neighbors think it had acthally taken "pfesii&The jewels I intended to restore to you —as I now done—in order that you may some day or other solemnly go through the farce of replacing them. Nobody will then be the wiser, and Miss Grace wiH be spared an unpleasant scandal.” “Then the footmarks the Inspector referred to—- “ Were mine, of course,” interposed Dr. Lake, with a laugh. “No thief having jumped from the window, there were naturally no footmaiks, a circumstance which would at once have put the police on, the right track, and led to unpleasant disclosures. I, therefore, slipped round unobserved to the garden and made the marks to which I subsequently drew the Constable’s attention. Unfortunately I rather overreached myself, and the Inspector, being evidently a sharp fellow, as you see, suspected me.” ' “Your story is most extraordinary!” exclaimed Mr. Archoll,greatly agitated. “I really cannot—l must decline to believe my daughter acted as you say, unless she tells me so with her own lips.” “By all means tax her with my statement” returned Dr. Lake. “Go to her with the things in your hands, and I have no doubt she will confirm what I have told you.” “1 will certainly see her instantly,” and springing to his feet. He left the house hurriedly while Dr. Lake, after seeing him out, strolled into the adjoining room, and chatted with Inspector Davis on different matters. After a short absence Mr. Archoll returned, looking very white and agitated. “Inspector Davis," he said, immediately he entered the room, “Dr. Lake has given me excellent reasons why I should not proceed further in this iqatter. I would prefer to let it drop. Do you understand?” “Yes, sir," said the Inspector, looking deeply disappointed, and glancing

meaningly in the direction of the doctor. “Please understand that your suspicions cohcerning Dr. Lake are entirely groundless,” added Mr. Archoll,' divining what was passing in the other’s mind, “and oblige me by saying as little as possible about the affair to any one. Here is something for you. Good evening." 1 Whatever the “ something” was; it entirely reconciled Inspector Davis to this unexpected turn <sf events, for he took his departure with a profusion of thanks and a polite bow to both gentlemen. When they were alone, Mr. Archoll said: j “You were quite right, Lake. The foolish girl has confessed. It was an elaborate piece of deceit. What possessed her to do such a thing I cannot imagine,” he added, looking dejected and humiliated. “There is no occasion to distress yourself, Mr. Archoll,” kaid Dr. Lake, earnestly; “Miss Grace’s escapade has been frequently perpetrated by young girls of her age in various forms. It does not necessarily imply a bad or deceitful disposition, but arises from a sort of hysteria—a morbid craving for unwholesome excitement, and a desire for an undue amount of sympathy. She was evidently in a high state of exultation on that evening, and could not resist the temptation of making herself the center of a fresh excitement. Take my advice, and keep this denouement a secret, even from your own daugh“I am very much indebted to you for your thoughtfulness,” said Mr. Archoll, grasping the young man’s hand. “As to the necklace, I will, perhaps, restore it>to her a year or two hence under cover of the subterfuge you suggest; but she deserves to lose it, though I am sure she is heartily ashamed of what she has done, and will never be so foolish again.”— London Truth.

Was Man Descended from a Bear?

In a cave near Morrison, Col., I found a number of bones that look to me like those of a human creature that may have been half bear and half man. But there may be b jars’bones and men’s bones in the same cave. I am convinced that these are among the most wonderful discoveries ever made by a zoologist or anatomist. We found bones of shell fish and many crinoids imbedded in rocks. The undisturbed remains of creatures that have lived and died a natural death are beside the bones of creatures that must have served the cave-dwellers for food. It has been held for a long time by geologists that man must have been a contemporary of the cave bear. I hope to establish the truth of my idea that he may have been something more than a contemporary—let us say a descendant. The strata below those in which, the first bones were found have not yet been disturbed. But I see many things to convince me that the cave had been inhabited by long generations of bears and men When the western basin, of which the Morrison soda lakes formed a part, became a great inland sea, bears and men, or the pre-historic creatures that then stood in the place of men, fled to the caves for protection. The roof of the cave in which we are working is between twenty and thirty-feet high. Men and bears came to live and die in this under world. They came to huge bowlders at the mouth of the cave, and, stepping upon them, were somewhat above the water, and could get breaths of fresh air. I believe that this cave may be but a series of eaves,’ and that if these could be uncovered and explored we should have chambers and underground lakes and rivers that would surpass those in the Mammoth cave of Kentucky.— Prof. F. G. Gherke, in Denver News.

A Pretty Stery.

It is always pleasant to associate a romance with a favorite flower. The story of the cultivation of the jasmine, with its delicate yellow floxvers and delightfuFodorj, in France, as told by the New York Mail, deserves to be remembered. The Duke of Tuscany, it is said, had brought one plant with him from the tropical countries he visited and placed it, with many injunctions for its careful tendance, in the hands of his gardener, intending to present it as an offering to the Princess of France. The gardener had a sweetheart, and, wishing to please her, he one day broke ofl’ a slip of the cherished plant and offered it to her. She planted it, lidping thus to preserve it for her weddingday, and, to -her delight, it took root, throve and grew into a stately bush, from which she gathered flowers salable for their rarity, and so accumulated a sum of money which facilited her marriage. To this day the maidens "of Tuscany wear a sprig of jgsmine in token that they can bring 5 a lucky dower to the man of their choice.

Skobeleff.

The biographer of Gen. Skobeleff, the distinguished Russian chieftain, says that he used to eat with his soldiers with the common spoon out of tho eamp-kettles, and that no one was more cares ul to see that the camp-kettles were in their right places. It xvas not only the superb genius, which his soldiers admired, but his sympathy, his affection, his homely brOtherliness. He. went to vigit a transport of soldiers who were badly wounded. One of the moribunds recognized him. “Oh!” said he, “there is our own one, our Skobeleff.” The others heard the name. “Hurrah, hurrah!” they tried to cry out; but so weak and wavering were their voices it reminded one of death more than of life.

The Nurse's Voice.

We cannot, and should- npt, forbear attendance upon the sick beeausg nature has not gifted us with that rarq. blessed boon of a sweet and musical the elocutionist, should the nurse study to modulate such organs as she does pos> sess to the utmost gentleness of w hiclf they are capable. For nothing is of greater importance, we assure her, i| she desires to sooth irritated nerve and quiet perturbed spirits; than to use an habitually-Boft and calm speech in.” all hqr conversation,.either with the sick or in their presence.— American Agriculturist.

a New Process of Giving Age to Whisky. “Give it a shock.” A young man from Chicago stood before one Of the most elegant bars in the city and gave the above order to the bar-tender, who stood waiting for a citizen to dispose of a rather big drink of pure whisky. “A what, sah?” asked the chemist, leaning over the bar to catch his customer’s remark. “Why, a shock. Haven’t you Imported an electrical machine here yet ? They’re getting popular out West.” The young man raised the glass to his lips and drank its contents at one draught. A reporter who had wandered in to get a toothpick had overheard the conversation, and begged the Chicago young man to explain the meaning of a shock. The latter led the way to a seat and unfolded the mystery. • • “It is nothing but a cheap method of purifying whisky,” said he, “age and purity are almost synonymous in speaking of liquor. By this process every saloon can have a little machine turned by hand, and every person can be personally convinced tiiat his whisky is electrically pure. All that is necessary is to have two blocks of carbon, which are inserted in the liquor to be purified. These &fe connected with the positive and negative poles of an ordinary electric machine, and are wrapped about with flannel. The chemical action upon th 6 liquor is such that all the impurities are attracted thereto. . The ■vHrewMvnF-ftisil oil also findw lodgment in the flannel, and when the latter is removed it looks as if it had been steeped in brine. Dealers will no longer need to use the antiquated prevarication that wine has been sent on a voyage. The necessary age*can be attached to it by a dynamo-electric machine in a very few minutes.” The young man grew quite enthusiastlc while talkihg;'and;as he by, added: “Come to Chicago and get some liquor with some age to it.” — Cleveland Herald. —•—

The Salmon and the Fly.

“Why does the salmon take a fly ?” is a question which anglers are asking ea<»h other in sporting newspapers; and, curiously enough, the answer that meets with most favor is, “because it takes it for a shrimp!” At first sight it seems as if the letter-writers were poking fun at the fish; for looking at the cases of salmon-flies in any tackle-maker’s shop it might be supposed that the noble creature mistook the gorgeous artificial insect for some rare delicacy just come from the tropics. But to imagine that the fish mistook this resplendent thing of feathers and tinsel for such a familiar object as the common gray shrimp would appear to argue a poor opinion of the salmon’s perceptions. But then it has to be remembered that that salmon always sees the shrimp from below, and this makes all the difference. Some one writes to the Field that one day, when on his back under water, he was surprised to see flashing overhead a number of brilliant golden sparks, which, when he looked at them from above, proved to be shrimps. It makes all the difference, in fact, whether you look at an object with the bright sun behind it, or whether you see it against a dull back-ground of sand. A glass bottle, fpr instance, floating down stream on a sunny day, may look from below like a blazing meteor. — St. James’ Gazette.

Zachary Taylor’s Scholarship.

In the course of an article with the general scope of which I heartily agreed, you were led to assert that Gen. Zachary Taylor was barely able to write his name. This, be assured, is a great error. The present writer served as a subaltern officer, in close daily relations with Gen. Taylor at Fort Jesup, in Louisiana, and Corpus Christi, Texas, immediately preceding the war with Mexico, as also in the Rio Grande, in the first battles of that war. My regiment had an excellent library, of which I had charge, and to which the General had access. He read a good deal —substantial books covering a considerable range of historical and genpral literature. He was also an attentive reader of such political journals as the National Intelligencer and the Globe, and no one of his' dky was better acquainted with the early political history of this country. He wrote vigorously and clearly on public questions and affairs, as was shown in -several letters to a kinsman, which got into the newspapers during the war. Col. Bliss, of hi< staff, was known to be a master of English style, and these letters were ascribed to him, but I neard the Colonel say that ho had had nothing at all to do with their composition. The fact is, G-en. Taylor was one of those men who are always gathering information so long as they live. It seems to me this figment about his illiteracy, having really no truth in it, ihouhf" not be uncontradicted any longer.—Neto York Times.

A Lucky Tumble.

H. H. White, who Las been working ai a mine at Dunkirk. Arizona, claims to have made a rich discovery in a very peculiar manner. While reading his Bible on Sunday, under some large pines a mile from camp, he became absorbed in thought and unconsciously Jjopped his book in such a way that it fell over a precipice about fifty feet high. Descending into the canon to recover it, Mr. White found it lying upward, open at the Gospel of St. Matthew, chapter vii., while a large piece of rich quartz, which had been dislodged by its fall, lay on top, tearing a jagged hole in the seventh verse, so familiar to all Christians: “Ask, and it shall be knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” Accepting this as a good omen, Mr. White searched and in a few moments succeeded in locating the ledge, which was oyer two feet in width and assays $225 on an average to the ton. The Non-Conformists have 3,000 places of worship in Wales, and their annual collection amounts to $2,000,000. When we know how to appreciate a merit we have the germ of it within our selves.— Gogthe." ' The we are 316 Jesuit stations and 175 places of worship under control of the same order in Madagascar.

PITH AND POINT.

A baby-carriage is called a crycycle. The fire-fly shines when on the wingSo does red hair in the biscuit.— Carl Pretzel’s Weekly. When a maiden s wears ahe’s broken hearted. Think not her vlsoeral cords are parted. For you'll find always by careful tracing. That nothing snappe I but her corset lacing. , —Carl Pretzel's Weekly. A GiBL has been arrested while diaas an old woman. The old woman disguised as a girl is still at large.. The Fall River Advance says the only time Gen. Grant eyer shed tears was when he saw David Davis trying to pare his own corns. ' “Yes,” he said, “I prefer to have black sand given me instead of pepper by my grocer. It doesn’t hurt my eyes so much whan my wife gets mad.” A Newport man is so near-sighted that he flirts with his own wife. It’s a wonder her resemblance to his mother-in-law did not put him on his guard. Billy JoNfcs, of Thompson’s'corps. Entered through the bar-room-dorps; Drank till he could drink no morps. Fell down on the bar-room florps, Fell and made bis head quite sorps, ■ Fell till he could tall no lorps, ' Says lie wil 1 do so uo morps. But will join the temperance corps. —Oil City Perrick. What is your entire name?” asked Frederick the Great of Gen. Zarembla, a Pole who was in his service. “My entire name is Ladislaus Larembla de -Zulychbentnki." . “Why, tiiw deyil himself hasn’t got a name like that,” replied Frederick. “No wonder he hasn’t got a name like mine. He don’t belong to my family.”— Texas Siftings. The Italians wish to take life as a huge joke if they can. Here is a supplication which indicates the national temperament: “I pray that I may never be married. But if I marry, I pray that I may not be deceived; but if lam deceived, I pray that I may not know of it; but if I know of it, I pray that I may be able to laugh at the whole affair.” UNSEASONABLE FRUITS. 'r-—— Applegreen, - ■■■— —• Boy same. Eating seen, Walketh lame. L Curleth lower, Pain immense, Ou the floor. Prostrate, tense. Papa cometh, Caneth boy, Mamma runneth ■ For a toy. Telephone call, Fcr Doctor Screw, Doctor cometh P. D. Q. Brisk confricatlon, Urchin hollers, Hot application, Fee, three dollars. —Life Col. Gressom was a high-toned Southerner, who held his “honor” at a premium, but he was a jpoor business manager and broke up. He had trouble with one of his creditors, and a fight was imminent. One day a gentleman met him and inquired: “Coloneh 'did you settle with that mudsill ?” “Yes, sah, I did, salt. My honah was at stake* sah.” “Ah, lam exceedingly glad to hear you fixed him and came out in such good shape. How did you settld? According to the code?” “Well, no,” replied the Colonel, dropping his pomposity on the ground, as it were, and stepping on it, “not exactly.” “How then?” “I settled with him at 10 cents on the dollar, and he was d— glad to get it.” — Merchant-Travelei'.

How to Preserve the Eyesight.

The editor of this paper, who has parsed his three-score years without the use of eye-glasses, and can still read with liis natural eyes fine print, wishes to give other people nearing the sere and yellow leaf the benefit of his ocular experience. Therefore he tells them that in 1860 he found his eyesight failing, indicated by dark specks flitting over the and a hazy appearance of the letters when he was reading. Remembering to have heard his mother say that ex-President John Quincy Adams (who lived to about 80 years) had preserved his eyesight and read without glasses by pressing the outer and inner corners of his eyes together, the editor tried the experiment. After retiring to bed at night he has ever since the fall of 1869, before going to sleep, pressed gently together the outer and inner corner of each eye between the thumb and forefinger, and the corners of the Other between the third and -to pressure) lo both eyes. The philosophy of the experiment is explained in this way: As people pass the middle age ■there is said to be a tendency of the balls of the eye to lose their convexity—in common parlance, to flatten. The habitual pressure of the outer and inner corners of the eyes restores the convexity. and thereby the original power of seeing. Near-sighted persons are exceptions to this rule. Their nearsightedness (as we understand) is caused by too great convexity -of the eye. Oftentimes, as they advance in years, their eyes flatten; that is, lose their original convexity, and become more nearly like the good eyes of young people, and they can see better without glasses and lay them aside.— Huntsville (Ala.) Democrat.

What Struck Him.

“So you’ve been -to the city?” said, one countryman to another. “Yes, I took her in.” “Pretty big thing?” "You bet.” “Lots of people, lots of houses, lots of rush and hurry and wagons and ’teams and things?" “Lots of em.” ’■ “What strufek you first after you got straightened out for your sight seeing?” brick a mason let fair off a house while I was loafing around below seeing how city folks do their work.”— Merchant Traveler.

Deformities.

Tn a paper read before the Geneva Hygienic Congress, Dr. Dally haa maintained that the deformities of people may usually be traced to the positions in which they aro kept while at school That children are, as a rule, well formed at the commencement of school life, is indicated by the researchesof Dr. Chaussier, who found that only 122 out of 23,000 newly-born infants examined by him possessed abnormal peculiarities of any kind. ,