Rensselaer Republican, Volume 16, Number 2, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 20 September 1883 — A Patent Calumniator. [ARTICLE]

A Patent Calumniator.

Old Maj. Snodgrass was nominated for State Senator up in Oregon, and .the same evening a dusty-looking'stran-ger, cliiefly attired in an old plug hat aijd an ingratiating smile, dropped in far see the nominee on particular business., “I have come, Major,” saicl the visitor, putting his feet on the piano stool, and lighting a Sullivan cigarette, “I have come to congratulate you on your prospects, and to offer you my services as a first-class calumniator. ” “A what?” asked the Major, much surprised. ’ * “ Why, a calumniator. Never run for office before? Well, I’ll explain: You see, as soon as a nominee starts in on his canvass, of course the opposition parties get right in and traduce him for all that’s out; you’ve noticed the fact, I dare say ?” —; “Yes, I think I have,” said old Snodgrass, with a sigh. “Exactly; they invent all sorts of queer stories about the man, and try to blacken his record the worst way.” “And they succeed pretty often, too,” groaned the Major. “They used to, my dear sir, they used to,” ,said the expert, “but not since the introduction of my new idea, the patent calumniator scheme. It works like a charm. ” “Does, eh!” said the amateur politiciaq. “You bet it'does. Now, how do we work the business and defeat the plans of the opposition—now, how?” “Can’t imagine,” said the Major. “Why, by getting ahead of them every time, bless your heart. Do your own slandering, don’t you see? Put ’em on the wrong track, eh? You grapple with the idea, don’t you ?” “Can’t say I do,” said Snodgrass, reflectively. “Why, it’s as simple as daylight. You see, you stake me on the quiet, and I get in and start a paper apparently devoted to the opposition. The very first issue I come out and allude to the long-su-pccted fact that you poisoned your grandmother in ’57. ” “But I didn’t!” roared the Major, looking round for a club. “Gently! gently! my dear sir,” said the visitor, putting his foot on the poker. “Of course, all the opposition papers take it up and make a fearful row. Then an investigation is had, and both your grandmothers are found to be living. Catch the point, don’t you ?” “But how does that help me ?” asked the nominee. “Why, don’t you see, it keeps the other fellows’ attention excited, and they don’t go into your real record at all.— 'San Francisco Post.