Rensselaer Republican, Volume 16, Number 2, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 20 September 1883 — LIFTED INTO THE ALLEY. [ARTICLE]

LIFTED INTO THE ALLEY.

The Member Who Wm Too Pretty to Remain with the Ume-Kiln Club. “If Clarence De Melville Bungs am present wid us to-night, I should like to spoke to him,” said Brother Gardner as the Lime-Kiln Clnb meeting opened. Brother Bungs was on the back row with a looking-glass in his hands and a new brand of hair-oil on his hair. He rose up with a scrape and a bow, made a great spread of a blue silk handkerchief, and finally stood before the President’s desk. “Brudder Bungs,” resumed the old man, “I reckon you am de purtiest member of the Lime-Kiln Club. You pats ile on yer ha’r, wax on yer moustache, an’ de parfume on yer clothes reminds me of de wild roses of Yarginny. Yes, you am de purtiest an’ sweetest one of dq lot.” “Yes, sah,” replied the brother, while his face betrayed the fact that he was tickled half to deatii. “But—by de way, Brudder Bungs, what am your present bizness ?” “I’ze out of a job jist now, sah.” “When you work how much do you airn ?” “As high as sebben dollars a week, sah. ” “ Jist so. Am dat suit o’ clothes all paid fur?” “No, sah.” ' “An’ you am hew many weeks behind on yer board?” “Not ober six, sah. ” “An’ you owe dis lodge $3 dues. ” sah.” " “An’ you owe members here as much as S2O fur borrowed money.” “I’ze borrowed some, sail.” “Brudder Bungs, I’ze had some ’sperience wid purty men, an’ I nebber seed one yet who wasn’t a fraud on de word manhood. When a man sots out to De puity all de hoss sense; leaves his head. No man kin labor and be:purty too. He darfo’ lets work alone. He beats his board, his tailor, his shoe- _ maker, an’ all his friends. He Jocks, killin’, an’ smells like a cologne factory, but he doan’ pay up. Ebery. smile beats somebody outer 25 cents, an’ every giggle costs somebody half a ■dollar. I’ze had my eye on you fur some time. ” “Yes, sail.” “Six months ago you had steady work, good pay, respectable clothes, an’ was outer debt. You sot out to be purty, an’ to-day you wouldn’t sell fur nuff to pay yer debts. You smell awful nice, but you owe a $26 board-bill. Your ha’r curls beautifully, but de. tailor am whistling fur his money fur dat suit. You smile like a buttercup an’ raise yer hat like a Chesterfield,but url” ... “Ize -gwine to_squar’ up, sah. ” "Maybe you is, Brudder Bungs, but it am too late, so fur as dis club am’ consarned. Secretary!” “Yes, sah.” 2 -— ~~~ .“Scratch de name of Brudder Claren’code Melville Bungs oil' de. roll !” “She’s dun scratched, sail.” “Janitor!” ■ ■ “Yes, sah.” “Escort dis pusson to de alley doah! He am too purty to remain heah wid us. He am gwine out owin’ us for dues, an’—well, nebber mind. There w*s no need to post the Janitor? Every bile could' picture him as he cleared a space to swing his right leg, and if anybody doubted that Clarence de Melville Bungs was “lifted” into the alley he had only to listen far the labored breathing of the Janitor as he returned to his seat.— -Free Press.