Rensselaer Republican, Volume 15, Number 49, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 16 August 1883 — Page 7

IT DIDN'T HIT.

There was a ohap on the bock who lived at Jackson, Miss., and he was telling os many anecdotes regarding the negro population. Among others, he had a friend who one day asked of an aged darkey: “Well Colonel, what particular ossification has predominated over the ramification of late?” The old man gave a pull at his hat with one hand, and scratched his head with the other, and answered: “Wall, Bah, I reckons dat was him gwine down de road a few minits ago on top of a mewl!" There was a passenger from Rhodb Island who was greatly amnsed by these anecdotes, and two or three times afterward I caught him hunting in a dictionary for big words and stringing them together. When we arrived at Natchez he was all loaded up. A lot of us went up to see the town, and as we gained the crest of the long and dusty hill we met a colored woman on her way down. Here was the chance the smart aleck had been waiting for, and he halted her and demanded: “Madam, have you systemized the disability of the precocious influenza this morning?” He was bowing and smiling, and she looked thunder-struok. After a minute she asked: “What’s dat you remark?” “I percolated the interrogations as to whether you had ambuscaded the giganlic verbosity,” hd continued. “No, sah, I hasn’t,” she said as she removed the basket from her head, “but Ize gwine to right away !” With that she brought him a clip with her hand on the ear, and followed it up by a bunt in the back that sprawled him into the dust and left him gasping like a fish. A “If de verboshity wants enny mo’ he canfollerme down to de levee!” she remarked as she walked off; but he didn’t. He was dust from head to foot, his humorous nature had evaporated, and he got back to the boat to keep his berth for the next eight hours. The negro is an odd coon at times, but there are other times when the “gigantic verbosity” doesn ? t hit his funny-bone within a rod.—ls. Quad.

REFUTING WHAT HAVE BEEN CALLED EACTS.

* "Tell me some popular errors in regard to the microscope. ” “One very old and very common one is that every drop of water we drink is teeming with animal life. There never was a greater mistake. It Is very rarely, indeed, in lake water that any animalculse are to be found. If a little bit of grass, or shred of meat, or any organic matter be left in the water for two or three days, there they can be found. It is supposed that a peculiar kind of organism like eels can be found .in vinegar. It may be that way back in the country, where they make vinegar out of apples, and not out of aquafortis, there may be some, but they don’t seem to thrive in city vinegar. Another thing, people seem to think that hairs are hollow. The hair is no more hollow than a fence post, and the coloring matter, instead of being filled in a tube, is mixed up in the cells of the hair. The mistake never would have occurred if it had been recollected that the hair is but a modification of the epidermis. Then there is another idea that the human skin is as full of pores as a sponge.” The fallacy of this idea was demonstrated by the microscopist’s taking a slice with a razor off his hand and putting it on a slide. The reporter was surprised to find that the pores were very scarce indeed, appearing to be about a fiftieth of an inch apart.— Cleveland Herald.

Happy Once More.

St. Louis, Mo.—A Chronicle reporter was told by Mr. Alfred Jr Papin, of-this city, that his nephew had the most obstinate case of inflammatory rheumatism, which baffled all kinds of treatment until St. Jacobs Oil, the great pain-conqueror, was used. It cured the young man, and he recommends it as the greatest cure for pains in the world.

SPIDERS.

Spiders have enemies as well as victims. Tiny parasites vex them exceedingly. A large-winged insect of the sphinx order pierces them with its sting, and, carrying them off dead or alive, buries them with its own eggs, that it’s .offspring may find a meal ready when they are hatched. Birds prey upon them, and one among the worst is the “cussed” little sparrow. They form an article of food to the Bosjesmen of South Africa, and the inhabitants of New Caledonia will devour them as cheerfully as a hungry man a beefsteak pie. In the course of nature most of them die on the approach of winter, though tome live several years.

TORNADOES.

note CniM that Produce Palatal Result* Explained. The following synopsis of a lecture delivered by Dr. Horace R. Hamilton before the Hew York Bociety for the Promotion of Science, contains so much that is timely and important that it can be read with both interest and profit: There is probably no subject of modern times that has caused and Is causing greater attention than the origin Of tornadoes. Scientists have studied it for the benefit of humanity; men have investigated it for the welfare of their families. It has been a vexed subject long considered, apd through all this investigation the cyclone has swept across the land carrying destruction to scientists as well as to the Innocent dwellers in its track. One thing, however, is certain; the cause of the cyclone must be sought far away from the whining body of winditselt Its results are powerful; its cause must also be powerful. Let ns therefore consider a few facts. First, the appearance of a cyclone is invariably preceded by dark spots upon the face of the son. These spots, indicating a disturbed condition of the solar regions, necessarily affect the atmosphere of our earth. An unusual generation of heat in one part of the atmosphere is certain to cause a partial vacuum m another portion. Air must rush in to fill thi-i vacuum. Hence the disturbances—hence the cyclone. This theory finds additional confirmation In the fact that tornadoes come during the day and not at night. The dark spots upon the surface of the sun, whatever they may be, seem to cause great commotion in the atmosphere of the world, and it is almost certain that the extremely wet weather of the present season can be accounted for on precisely this bails Is it reasonable to suppose that the marvelous effect of the sun upon vegetation and life in general shall be less th;.n upon the atmosphere itself through which its rays come? The cause is remote, but the effect is here; After describing some of the terrible effects of the cyclone, the speaker went on to say: This rule finds its application in nearly every department of life. An operator is in Ban Francisco—the click of the instrument manipulated by his fingers, in New York. The President makes a slight stroke of the pen in his study at the White House and the whole nation is aroused by the act An uneasiness and disgust with everything in life, commonly called home-sickness is felt by many people, when the cause is to be found in the. distant home thousands of miles away. An uncertain pain may be felt in the head. It is repeated in other parts of the body. The appetite departs and all energy is gone. Isthecausenecessarilyto.be found in the heady The next day the feel ng increases. There are added symptoms. They continue and become more aggravated.' The slight pains increase to agonies The nausea becomes chronic. The heart grows irregular, and the breathing uncertain. All these effects have definite cause: and, after years of deep experience upbn ihis subject I do not hea.tate to say that this cause is to be found in some derangement of the kidneys far away from that portion of the body in which these effects appear. But one may say, I have no pain whatever in my kidney or liver. Yery true; Neither have we any evidence that there Is atomado on the surface of the sun; but it is none the less certain that the tornado is here, and it Is none the less certain that these great organs of the body are the cause of the trouble although there may be no pains in their vicinity. I know whereof I speak, for I have passed through this very experience myself. Nearly ten years ago, I was the picture of health, weighing more than 203 pounds, and as strong and healthy as any man lever knew. When I felt the symptons I have above described, they caused me annoyance, not only by reason of their aggravating nature, bat because I had never felt any pain before. Ofjier doctors told me I was troubled with m&laria, and I treated myself accordingly. I did not believe, however, that malaria could show such aggravated symptoms. It never occurred to me that analysis would help solve the trouble, as I did not presume my difficulty was located In that portion of the body. But I continued to grow wor •& I had a faint sensation at the pit of my stomach nearly every day. I felt a great desire to eat, ana yet I loathed food I was constantly tired, and yet I could not Bleep. ILy brain was unusually active, but I could not think connectedly. My existence was a living misery. I continued in this condition for nearly a year; never free from pain, never for a moment happy. Such an existence is far worse than death, for which I confess I earnestly longed It was while suffering thus that a friend advised me to make a final attempt to recover my hea th. I sneered inwardly at his suggestion, but I was too weak to make any resistance He furnished me With a remedy, simple yet palatable, and within two days I observed a slight change for the better. This awakened my courage I felt that I would not die at that time % I continued the use of the remedy, taking it in accordance with directions, until I became not only rostered to my former health and strength, but of greater vigor than I bare before known. .This condition has continued up to the present time, and I believe I should have died as miserably as thousands of other men have died and are dying every day had it not been for the simple yet wonderful power of Warner's Safe Cure, the remedy I empoyed. Tee lecturer then described his means of restoration more in detail, and concluded os follows: My complete recovery has caused me to investigate the subjeot more oarefully, and I believe I have discovered the key to most ill-health of our modern civilization. lam fuily confident that four-fifths of the diseases which afflict humanity might be avoided were the kidneys and liver kept in perfect condition. Were it possible to control the action of the sun, cyclones could undoubtedly be averted. That, however, is one of the things that cannot be; But I reJoice to say that it is possible to control the lidneys and liven; to render their action wholly normal, and their effect upon the ays. em that of purifiers rather than poisoners. That this end has been accomplished largely by means of the remedy I have named 1 do not have a doubt, ana I feel it my duty to make this open declaration for the enlightenment of the profession and for the benefit of suffering humanity in all parts of the world.

A COOL VOCATION.

A young man stepped into the express office and the manager, succumb-' ing to the universal custom, asked: “Does this weather suit you?” “Very well,” replied the young man. “I thought you would find it exceedingly warm,” said the manager. “Oh, no,” replied the young man; “I get a cool reception everywhere I go.” The young man was one of those constant bores—a collector.—Columbus (Ga.) Sun. The use of tobacco in America is ten times what it is in Great Britain.

THE TOOTH-PICK SHOE.

It must have taken a vary narrowminded man to invent the tooth-pick shoe. It is very incisive in its manner toward long-winded beaux when wielded by the extemporaneous head of tire house. The tooth-pick shoe has not that open oountenanoe and winning way so characteristic of the brogan. It is less subdued and tractable. In the giddy maze it is more wild and delirious than the stoga, which for decades has polled the Irish shin and made the jig rattle with its levity. Asa thingof comfort it is not the howling success that it might be if it were filled with sod oom and water and nature given a chance to take her course. The bunion, so dear to our heart, is not madly gone on the toothpick shoes, although the shoe has often made a “crush” upon it. As much as we think of the bunion, especially when hurt, we would just as soon part with it as we would with this narrow-minded shoe. The tooth-pick shoe was originally intended for inebriates, who wanted them so tight that snakes oould not play “pussy wants a corner” in them. They are not,as many have supposed, to be used in digging chunks of pie out of the dark caverns of our store teeth, but to enoase our feet and jam our toes into an interrogation point, and thrust our mind into sore distress and the mudhole of perdition. They are fashionable and perhaps this is the worst stigma we can thrust upon them without quoting Ten Butler. They are having their run, and first thing you know they will be run down at the heel of fashionable folly, and then, poor wasp-waisted tooth-pick shooj you will have to hobble down the back alley of the past and stumble over the high board fence of oblivion and bake in the hot sun of neglect on the frog pond environed woodpile of discarded popularity. We would that the day of tooth-pick shoes was yesterday a year ago. Blazes, how my corns do kick. Low-necked tooth-pick shoes you are abully thing a long ways off. —The Eye.

No Time Should be Lost

When the first twinges of rheumatism ate felt. An effectual means of counteracting it is presented in Hostetler's Stomach Bitters, avouched on oompetent medical authority, to be a reliable .specific for this disease. It eliminates from the system, through its depurating action upon the blood, acrid impurities, to the presence of which eminent neediest authors refer the pain and inflammation which attend this atrocious malady. As obstinacy, no less than grievous pain, is a characteristic ot rheumatism, the preventive named should be used at the ontset to cheo|c its further growth. Besides the circulation, it helps to enrich it by assisting digestion. The medicine is also used with signal benefit for liver complaint, conconstipation, debility, nervous ailments and kidney troubles. By renewing depleted strength, and establishing regularity in the more important bodily organs, it tends to fortify the oonstitntlon, especially against those forms of disease which the debilitated are most prone to incur. A Chicago Sunday-school teacher asked her class where Moses was when the bull inshed. “In his basket, of course!* was the prompt reply.— Carl PrelteVt Weekly. ♦When the fountains of life are not corrupted and embittered by suffering; when the functions of womanhood are Btrlctly normal, women life jb like music, with no discord to jar her delicate sensibilities and break the vital and organic harmony. Bnt many who suffer from vital and functional disorders have found immediate relief and a permanent cure by using Mrs. Lydia E. Pinkham's Vegetable Compound. . . | : . The crop of freckles is about an average one. Fob dyspepsia, indigestion, depression of spirits , and general debility in their various forms; also as a preventive against fever and ague, and other intermittent fevers, the “Ferro-Phosphorated Elixir of Oalisaya,* made by Caswell, Hazard A Co., New York, and sola by all druggists, is the best tonlo; and for patients recovering from fever or other sickness it has no equal. The lady of the house—The Queen of Ashantee. "Pat Up" at the Gault House. The business man or tourist will find firs t-class accommodations at the low price of and $2. .10 per day at the Gault House, Chicago, oorner Clinton and Madison streets. This far-famed hotel is located in the oenter of the city, only one block from the Union Depot Elevator; all appfinments firstclass. H. W. Horr, Proprietor. Skinny Men—'"Wells’Health Renewer’ restores health and vigor, cores dyspepsia,lmpotenoe. ti. Why is a deacon like a hat-band? Because he passes around the hat Essex County. Va.—Mr. James R. Mlcon, clerk, says: “I have used Brown’s Iron Bitters and found it valuable for the pnrposes which it claims ’’ The royal road to marriage—Going to court

St Jacobs Oil

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I THE GREAT GERMAN REMEDY FOR PAIN. R*ll*r«* and cans RHEUMATISM, Neuralgia, Solatios, Lumbago, BACKACBB, HEADACHE, TOOTHIQHA SORE TMRMT, QUiisY.swxu.nraa, ■rsiiM, g FROSTBITES, ■rams, scalds, ▲nd all other bodily Mkii flii FIFTY CENTS IBBTTUL Sold by all Droutet* sad Dealer*. Dlnwdoiu In U > language*. Tin Chart— A. Vofoter Co. Mthm St, C.B.A.

* rmwill-ts Man (Myl Tm Vouch*} Bur On, Marshall. Midi, will send Dr. Dye's OelebratedjfclectroVoltaic Belts and Kleotric Appliances on trial for thirty days to men (youngor old) who me afflicted with nervous debility, loet vitality and kindred troubles, guaranteeing speedy and complete restoration of health and manly vigor. Address as above. N. R No ride is incurred, as thirty days’ trial is allowed. It is no longer polite to speak'of a man as having been hanged. Bay he went to the other world as an "assisted emigrant” Warrknton, N. Q—Rev. J. E. G Barham, says: “I used Brown’s Iron Bitters. It is a complete restorative, tonlo and appetiser.” Dolls for little girls, dolmans for their big sisters. . A good medicinal tonlo with real merit is Brown’s Iron Bitters. A sloop relation—Tailing the story of a tragedy. “Rough oh Rats’—Clears out rats, mice, flies, roaches, bed-bugs, ants, vermin, chipmunk*. Me. Thousands upon thousands of bottles of (kerboline, a deodorised extract of petroleum, have been sold, and from all over the land comes one universal cry, “Carboline, as now improved and perfected, is the best hair restorer ever used." Sold by all druggists. . “Buchu-Paiba.*— Qulok, complete cun, all annoying Kidney and Urinary Diseases. |L The habit of running over boots or shoes oorrected with Lyon’s Patent Heel Stiffeners. Wells’ “Rough oh Corns."— lsc. Ask for it Comuletc .permanent oore. Corns, warts, bunions.

AN OPEN SECRET AMONG THELADIES The brilliant, fascinating tints of Complexion for which ladies strive are chiefly aril- • fleial, and all who will take the trouble may secure them. These roseate, bewitching hues follow the use of Hagan’s Magnolia Balm—a delicate, harmless and always reliable article. Sold by all druggists. The Magnolia Balm conceals every blemish, removes Sallowness, Tan, Redness, Eruptions, all evidences or excitement and every Imperfection. Its effects are immediate and so natural that no human being can detect its application.

LYDIA E. PINKHAM’S VEGETABLE COMPOUND, Is a Positive Cart Per nil these Painfld Complaints anfi WmkMsasS k Medietas for Woman. Invented by a Wemaa. Prepared hy aWoaiaa. Ms erasing MM’ Unitary Haas th* lana es Briary, trßmtmSw trooping spirits, Invigorates and m[mi« tl-ffly and ■naaeas to the stop, restore* the Miami lustre to the ST*; sad plenties tin pale oheek of woman the freth learn of Ufa's spring and early numaar time. I3P~ Physicians Use H and Prescribe It Freeiy riß* It removes faintness, flatulmoy, destroy* all craving for atlmelaat and rallovea waaknawod the stomaoh, That failing of bearing down, eaasiag pain, waight and backaeha, ti alwaya parauaaatty oared by its usa. Fee the aniw es Kidney Oe*»!sia to of either aea tide Oempeaaiti aaearpeeeed. . LTD IA E. Film AM'S BLOW PURIFIER Wju eradicate every vestige of Humor*,fro* tha SsftEjjMa: Both too Compound and mood Puriflar art prepared at tit end MB Weatera Avenue, Lynn, Kaaa. Price of either, |L BUbotUeefor * Seat by mafi la the form es pills, or efloaeagee, oa receipt es price, gl per bos for either. Hr*. Pinkhan* freely answers til letters of inquiry, teriooe let, stamp; Send for pamphlet. gsritoldhy all DroggisU.*Vh (9 sw ciiuafeagfigiaaß: posseAiriwi S5tiSM Barcas fsassasaa AGENTS WMTED.£%SraM£g ttogMnchino everinveuted.wm knit a p*iTif stocking* with HEKL and TOK complete in a)

i Like an Evil Spirit. in olden times it was thought that evfl spirits came in through cracks and keyholes. The generally approved way to keep them out was to plug up the keyholes and stop the cracks with cotton. Notwithstanding these preventive measures, the evil things had their own way and often came in as they pleased. So comes malaria now-a-days. We try to keep it out of the keyhole and it comes in by the crack. We stop up the crack, and lo! it comes from a leak in the plumbing, or an opening from some neglected drain, or from some unsuspected source and unguarded direction. We cannot always keep malaria out, but we can give it battle and drive its effects from our systems. If Brown's Iron Bitters »in time, malaria has not a ghost ofa chance. This is the great family medicine. Your druggist sells'it, and you ought to keep a bottle in the house. %

Our latest oomspondsnoi. May IS. MSB. brings Is ua the narrative of Humor B. Ingram, the Qeasnri Superintendent ot the District Meaeanger do. of Hew Haven. Conn. Mr. Ingram aaya: Tor many month* I bad beenaorely troubled with a weak and tired feeling across the loin*. almoet invariably aooompenied with * headache. I bad noticed alao that at atated period* following tbaee pains my urine would be highly colored, and leave s heavy brick-colored •ediment when allowed to stand tu the veeael. I oould I not work, and I w*a dieoooraged to an alarming deI gree. Nothing helped me. I waa prescribed Cor by aoaaeof file beet physician* in Mew Tork city, when Iwm located at that time, but derived no benefit or relief. Wbtn almoet reedy to give up in despair an acquaintance Mid to me. T want yen to try Hunt's Remedy.’ I did so. and hardly twenty-four hoar* bed elapoed before I obtained relief. and la three weeks* time all the aforesaid nUmsutsbed disappeared, and I improved steadily. Mid was infused with new Ufa. *o that 1 oould resum* ay bueinoM again, which is erg«i*. It never tall* to car*? » Cenurb Street. TOWN CLERK FORTY-TWO YEARS. The following is from Mr. Omrau. Oaorb, fits well-known and respected Town dark of Korwtih, Oonn. Mr. Sager 1* » yean old, and hM held this poaMon of trust for «l yean, and hla word is as good a* hi* bond. On May 5, MB, be write* w follows t -For yean I have suffered with disease pf fin kidneys and bladder, and have no hesitancy in reoommtnding Hunt’s Bamedy u s specific for these oomplaints. n has not only been the means of relieving me of terrible pain, but has cured R number of my eoquaint•neae. To-day I am performing the duties of tbs office of Town Gierk, which I have bald tor forty-two edy. HOME ITEMS. „ —’All your own fault If yon remain nick when you eaa Set Hop Bitten that never-/Wf. —The weakest woman, smallest ohild, and siokest invalid can use hop bitters with safety and great good. —Old men tottering around from Rheumatism, kidney trouble or any weakness will be almost new by using hop bitters. —My wife and daughter were mad* healthy by the use of hop hitters, and X recommend them to my people.—Methodist Clergyman. Aak any good doctor If hop Bitten ere not the beat family medicine On earth. —Malarial fever, Ague and Biliousnees, will leave every neighborhood as soon as hop bitters arrive. —"Mv mother drove the paralysis and neuralgia all out of her system with hop bitters. "—Ed. One ego Sun. —Keep the kidneys healthy with hop bitters and you need not fear siokness. —lce water is rendered harmless and more refreshing and reviving with hop bit. ters in each draught. —The vigor of youth for the aged and in* firm in hop hitters! Thera to. —"The* best periodical for ladies to taka monthly and from which they will receive the neatest benefit is hop bitters.” —Mothers with sickly, fretful, nursing children, will cure the children and benefit themselves by taking hop hitters daily. —Thousands die annually from some form of kidney disease that might have been prevented by a timely use of hop bitters. —lndigestion, weak stomach, irregularities of the bowels, cannot exist when hop bitters are used. In robust health s year at allttl# coat. —To produce real genuine sleep and child-like repose all night, take a little hop bitters on retiring. —That indigestion or stomach gas at night, preventing rest and sleep, will disappear by using nop bitters. —Paralytic, nervous, tremulous old ladies are made perfectly quiet and sprightly by using hop bitters. Young Men SrjSSKKVJKrt OrcuUrafrg. YALEMTIKE BROfl., Jaaearlll*. Wis. PHILLIPS EXETER ACADEMY PREPARKS BOYS Colleges and title School*. r tobScy. Trossuror, Exotor, M.H. PiolnUme. flogbylrmKS H ENGINE & BOILER FOR SALE! An right-bone newer Endue with upright boiler, til in flratrclaaa condition. will be sold vary cheap. This engine and boiler has been in use only tour month*, amt can 1m had at a bargain. The boiler U covered with asbeatos covering, and engine perfect in every particular. Addreae Ono.F. Heklt. Fort Waytu-.lnd JOSH Chartered hy tfc* Slate es llfiaete, *— "r tirftl. fnirffi nS * ayeeU, Sotm. aa* tk)W Wk*l CMUtm, b waU kaowa m Um Fadfc e—t m Raster IS. «h fcUrree MriUel UrtltaU, g— ITnmtif, —4 Hit ». ** teaMayreph. Nfanf* I* tie SS-FroiJSeW-SSSSs s.R-p.t. Mo. aa-aa, aSSSHSSSSE?®*