Rensselaer Republican, Volume 15, Number 42, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 28 June 1883 — PITH AND POINT. [ARTICLE]

PITH AND POINT.

The celery of * man, who is always waiting for things to turnip is not very large. The time you see two women kissing each other just notice how quick they let go. The question as to who shall be Speaker of the House has to be settled after every marriage. A California man choked himself to death with a tape-measure. The Coroner’s verdict was that he died by inches. Some people apparently are so afraid of intoxicating liquors that they would not have a drop in their house. A keg of good old Bourbon entertains the same feeling toward them. It would be sure to run at their approach.— Carl Pretzel’s Weekly. “Do you know,” said Mrs. Snively, who was reading a newspaper, “Charles, that no less than $250,000,000 was paid out last year for liquor alone?” “Good gracious! You don’t say so? What a lot of money a fellow could save if he never got thirsty.”— Texds Siftings. An exchange mentions that a number of British-loving young men about town are starving themselves to death on huge mutton chops because “they are so English, you know.” This suggests the conundrum why a donkey is so ungrateful when kindly treated. Because he is an ass! A well-known Austin inebriate approached a gentleman and stated that he.would not refuse an invitation to take something. “Pshaw, good whisky is thrown away on you." “You have got it mixed, Colonel, good whisky is not thrown away on me, but I have thrown myself away on good whisky.” —Texas Siftings.

A'sailob who had fallen overboard and was speedily interviewed by a shark, cried out to his enemy: “Have pity on a man who is down!” “My friend,” replied the shark, “a man who keeps himself above water is of no use to me.” Moral. The man who falls overboard in business can expect no favors of the Sheriff.

THE LOVERS’ CONVERSATION. “How’s year Sather?" came the whisper, Bashtul Ned toe silence breaking; “O he's nicety,” Annie murmured, Smiling the question taking. Conversation flagged a moment; Hopeless Ned essayed another; “Annie, I —l”—then a coughing. And the question—“ How’s your mother?" “Mother! Osh :’s doing finely!” Fle< ting fast v.as all forbearance, When, in low, despair ng accents Came the climax, “How’s your parents!” “Beg pardon,” said A, “but could you pay that $5 you borrowed last month ?” “What!” exclaimed B,“haven’t I paid that yet? Dear! dear! I’m always forgetting* such things. “ “Yes, ” replied A, “you are always for getting; but seldom, if ever, for paying. I may have been for giving heretofore; but I can’t forgive a man more than sixteen times for the same offense.” “Do you know the prisoner ?” asked a Judge of a witness. “Yes, sir, I do; I know him intimately; he and I were in a bank together at the same time.” “Ah, when was that?” was the question of a shrewd lawyer, who was counsel for the prisoner. “Well, as near as I can remember, it was five years agp, and about 3 o’clock in the morning; none of the bank officers were present at the t me.” The witness was speedily excused. NEGRO CAMP-MEETING SONG. Ole sister Mary drapped-her pride, An’ all at once got sanctified, An’ when she fell down for ter pray, She tuk up wings and flew aw ay. Oh, take off your coat, po’ sinner man. An’ pray ter de Lawd as fast as ye can. Ole sister Mary, when she riz, Shuck her leg at the rheumatiz. An’ flew way ober the turnip patch. On her .way ter lift de heavenly latch. Oh, get on de grown', po’ sinner man, An' made a move ter jlne de ban'. Ole brudder Ike was full ob sin. An’ at de Lawd would stan’ an' grin. But de debfl grabbed him wid a hook, An’ down below wid him he took. Oh, role in de san’, sinful chile, An’ take from yer soul de debil s bile. —Arkansaw Traveler.