Rensselaer Republican, Volume 15, Number 35, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 10 May 1883 — PITH AND POINT. [ARTICLE]

PITH AND POINT.

Abchimkdes invented the slang phrase, “Give us a rest,” when he offered to move the world with his lever. “We approach Thee, Gh, Lord, under . the auspices of the Essex County Agricultural Society,” was the opening of a Massachusetts clergyman’s prayer. Abteb the clergy had united a happy pair, an awful silence ensued, which was broken by an impatient youth exclaiming, “Don’t be se unspeakably happy!” “I live in Julia’s eyes,” said an affected dandy in Colman’s hearing. “I don't wonder at it,” replied George; “since I observed she had a sty in them when I saw her last.” An old lady with several unmarried daughters feeds them on fish diet because it is rich in phosphorus, and phosphorus is the essential thing in making matches. “Ae!” moaned a widow recently bereaved, “what a misfortune! I know what kind of a husband I have lost,,but how can I know what kind of a husband his successor will be?” Said Mrs. Gallagher: “I think it is wrong to make these soda fountains se shiny, white, and dazzling. They never trouble me, but Pve observed that my ■husband can never look at one without winking.” . When a young man in Patagonia wants a wife he rides out and lassoes one, but in this country when a girl wants a husband and her fellow doesn’t come to time, the lass-sues him for breach of promise. A gentleman was talking to ths owner of a ferocious bulldog, and asked him the question, “Do you think your dog could become fond of a stranger?” “Yes,” replied the dog fancier, “if ho was raw; but he wouldn’t if the stranger was cook.”

“Look here, boy,” said a stern Austin parent, “you are telling me a falsehood right n<fcr. I can read it in your face.” “It must be some falsehood I told you last week, pa. You know you can’t read, anyhow, without your spectacles.”— Texas Siftings. “You have been executed in effigy down at the hotel,” said a man to the Goveror of Arkansaw. “The deuce you say,” exclaimed the Governor in a,rage, “HI go down and see about fiho mfernal transactions.” When ho went to the hotel he found that has pasture had been hung in the parlor.— Arkansaw Fraveler. “How did you ever come to run for tiie Legislature, anyhow ?” asked Charles O’Bean of Myer Hudgins, a newly-elected member of the Missouri Legislature, and who is visiting Austin for his health. “I did it to bring disgrace on my uncle. He treated mo badly when I was a boy, and I took a fearful vow I would humiliate him, and I have done it.” “What business is your uncle engaged in?” “He is making shoes in the Ohio Penitentiary.”— Texas Sifiings. “Look here,” said the Governor to a high State official, “when are you going to pay me that ten dollars?” “Upon my honor, Governor, I don’t know.” “Why, sir, the other day when I mentioned the fact of your indebtedness, you asked me where I would be Tuesday.” “Yea, sir.” “Well, wasn’t that a promise that you would pay me Tuesday?” “No, “Why, then, did you want io knosjr where I would be Tuesday?” “Because I wanted to know where you’d be, se I could make arrangements to be somewhere else.”— Arkansaw Traveler. “Justice, your Honor!” exclaimed a legal comet in one of his eccentric perorations, “is not like the fabulated Briarious of old, whose eyes were as multiplical as the sands of the sea,, nor yet like the famed Cyclops whose eyes perforated only the arena of coming futurity, but like, the sportive demonstration of ‘blind man’s buffi’ She pursues her way unseeing and unseen, holding the steel-yards that weigh with coeval vicissitudes the carats of gold and the carrots of horticulture, and knowing no north, no south, no east, no west!” — Rome Sentinel.