Rensselaer Republican, Volume 15, Number 32, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 19 April 1883 — CONDIMENTS. [ARTICLE]

CONDIMENTS.

If I were not Ozar. I would be attorney few the United States Government in a Star-route case. —A. Romanoff French under difficulties—The following dialogue was overheard the other day: He—“Araminta, je t’adore.” She—“ Shut it yourself.” Translated from the Omnibus; “Thunderwater! What wants your horse in my store?” “Pardon you, sir, the stubid brute has it his stable supposed to be.”, “Investigator” wants to know what is good for cabbage-worms. Bless your heart, man, cabbage of course. A good, plump cabbage will last several worms a week. His Excellency—“ You have brothers?” Captain—“ One, your Excellency.” His Excellency—“lt’s curious. I was talking with your sister, and she said she had two brothers. How is that?” A Colorado man was recently killed while gathering a scuttle of coal in his back yard. After a few heart rendering occurences like this, wives will begin to learn their household duties. Three hundred and sixty-seven papers remarked that “Wiggins’ storm has been postponed on account of the weather,” while 288 merely observed that “Wiggins has a fine day for his storm.” The young lady who made 700 words out of “conservatory” last fall, has eloped. We feel sorry for the young man; it is bad enough where one word brings on another, but just think of one word bringing on 700! A small boy, who was playing trueant the other, day when asked if he wouldn’t get a whipping when he get home, replied; “What is five minutes’ licking to five hours of fun?” There is food for reflection in this. A man. at a hotel fell the whole length of a flight of stairs. Servants rushed to pick him up. They asked him if he was hurt? “No,” he replied, “not at all. Tm used to comeing down that way. I’m a life-insur-ance agent. Being caught in a party of friends who were engaged in a “treat.” an abstinent New Yorker, when it became his turn, led the crowd into a furnishing store and askded them what they would have. One ordered a shirt-collar, another took cuffs, a third asked for a scarf-pin, and so on “Hole on heah!” exclaimed a negro Ou trial for stealing a saddle. “Hole on heah, Jedge, for Tse gwine ter turn state s evidence right here.” “How can you turn state’s evidence when you are the only one concerned?” asked the Judge. “Don’t make no difference. I'se gwine to turn state’s evidence right heah, an’doan yer self commence ter forget it. Es I turn dat evidence an’ show yer ’xaqtly who stole de saddle, yer’ll ‘low me to go about my business won’t yer, judge?” “Oertfinly, sir; if you turn state’s evidence and tell us exactly who committed the thief, the law will grant you liberation.” “All right; heah’s fur de state’s evidence. I stole de saddle myself, an* er good day, gen’leman,” and he walked out of the court room before the officers could sufficiently recover from their surprise to detain him.