Rensselaer Republican, Volume 15, Number 32, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 19 April 1883 — SCARED OUT OF A WIFE. [ARTICLE]

SCARED OUT OF A WIFE.

The narrative of which lam about to ■write was told me one bleak, cold night In a country parlor. It was one of those nights in midwinter when the wind swept -over the land, making everything tingle with its frosty and keen breath, that I was sitting before a blazing flresurround<ed by a half dozen jolly boys and an old bachelor, Peter Green, about 48 years. It was just the night without to make ;those within enjoy a good story; so each ofus had to tell a favorite story, save Mr. Green, and as he was a jolly story-teller we were somewhat surprised to hear him say: “I have no story that would interest -you,” so we had to find other entertainments for awhile, when one of the boys told us to ask him how it happened that he never got married. So we did. “Well, gentlemen,” he began, “it don’t seem right for me to tell how it happened but as it’s about myself I don’t care much. You see, when I was a young man,we had to walk as high as five miles to church and singing-school, which was our chief enjoyment. But this don’t have anything ti/do with my not getting a wife, but I wanted to show you that we had some trouble them days in getting •our sport John Smith and I were like brothers, or, like “Mary and her little lamb.” Where one went the other was sure to go. So we went to see two sisters, and as we were not the best of boys imaginable, the old gentleman took umbrage and would not allow us to come near the house; so we would take the girls to the end of the lane and there we would take the final kiss. We soon got tired of that sort of fun, and I told John on our way to singingschool one night, that I was going home with Sadie, and that I was going into the house, too. He said the old man would “cane me,” if I did. I told him I was going to risk it anyhow, come what would. He said “he would risk it if I would.” So home we went with the girls. When we got to the end of the lane I told the girls we proposed going all the way. They looked at each other in away I •didn’t like any too well, but the old folks would be in bed, so they didn’t care if we did. They were a little more surprised yet when I told them we thought of going in a while, but as all was quiet when we got to the house, we had no trouble in getting into the kitchen. Then and there we had our first court, and I made up my mind to ask Sadie to be my wife the next time I came. It was now past the turn of night, and we had four miles to walk, I told John we had better be going. So we stepped out upon the porch, but just as we did so, the sky was lit up by lightning, and a tremendous thunder peal rolled among the mountain sides. Its echoes had noi •died out in the far off vales until the rain began to pour from the garnered fullness of the pent-up clouds. We waited for it to stop until we were all sleepy, when the girls said we suduld go to bed in the, little room at the head of the Stairs which led out of the kitchen; as their fathei didn’t get up early, we could be home be’fore the old folks were up. So after bidding the girls a sweet good-night—and -hugging them a little—and wishing them ■pleasant dreams, and promising them tc comeback on next Sunday night, we started to bed. We didn’t have far to go, as the bed stoood near the stars. John was soon in bed, but I was a little slow, and full oi -curiosity, I set about to look around the •room. / ' /z At last I thought I would sit down on < chest which was spread over with a nice white cloth, while I drew off my boots. So down I sat, when stars of the east, I went plump into the custard pie! I thought John would die laughing, for <he said I had smashed that custard pie <ll td thunder, and the plate right in two Ton see we had to be be awtyl quiet so .the old gent would not hear ns.

I™ out the light and picked up my boots, thinking to put them in a convenient place* when down my leg went through a pipe-hole, which had been covered with paper, upto my hip. Now one part of me was up stairs while the longest part of me was in the kitchen. As my leg was very lon ? it reached a shelf which was occupied by dishes, pane, coffee-pots, etc., turning it over with a terrible crash. The girls had not yet retired, and we could hear them laugh fit to kill themselves. I felt awful ashamed, and was scared until my heart was in my throat,for I expected the old man every moment 1 extracted my leg from the confounded hole just in time, for the old woman looked into the kitchen from her room door and asked, “what all that noise was about?” The girls put her off the be it they could, and I went to bed, while John was strangling himself under the bed clothes to keep from laughing aloud. We soon went off in the land of dreams with the hope of waking early. I wish I. e ould tell you my dreams, but it would take me too long. One moment I would fancy myself by the side of Sadie, sipping nectar from her heaven-bedewed lips and the next I would be flying from the old man, and he would be brandishing a cane above my head. ‘ This came to an end by John giving me a kick, On waking up and looking round I saw John’s eyes as large as soup plates, and the sun was shining in at the window. What to do to prevent detection was the next question, and in endeavoring to keep out of the viy J id?<d in il< h< of the old man. * < He thitew up his hands and cried out, “Lord save us, for he thought I was the devil The old lady screamed until she could have been heard a mile. I was so scared and bewildered that I could not get up at once, It was warm weather, and I didn’t have nothing on but a shirt. , When I heard the girls snickering it made me mad. and I jumped up and rushed out of the door, leaving the greater part of my shirt on the old iron latch. Off I started for the bam and when half way through the yard the dog set up a howl and went for me. When I got to the bam yard I had to run through a flock of sheep and among them an old ram, who backed off a little and started for me. With one bound I escaped his blow, sprang into the barn, and began to climb up the logs into the mow, when an old mother hen pouncing upon my legs, picked them until they bled. I threw myself upon the hay, and after John had slid down the porch into a hogshead of rain-water, he came to me with one of my boots, my coat, and one the legs of my pants. He found me completely prostrated. Part of my shirt, my hat, one leg of my pants, my vest, stockings, necktie, and one boot was left behind. I vowed then and there that I would never go to see another girl, and Til die before I will.