Rensselaer Republican, Volume 15, Number 31, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 12 April 1883 — CONDIMENTS. [ARTICLE]

CONDIMENTS.

Somebody says that "ballot girls are not go bad as they are painted." We kope not. They are painted frightfully. The sting of a bee is only 1-32 of an inch long. It is your imagination that makes it seem as long as a hoe-handle. Men who would not steal a mule will gladley take the chance of misappropriating an umbrella. They have uo use for a mule. We are always pleased to hear of a young man setting down, but it gives us far more pleasure to record the fact of his settling up. Dwo vosshoost enough, budt dree was tooblendty.” remarked Hans, when his girl asked him take her mother along with him to the dance. The good Queen’s knee is healing. Helped on by British prayers; But where is the Hibernian who Put soap upon the stairs? • An Ohio farmer who has barbed-wire fen ces all through his farm, says that he gets one-fourth more work out of his hired man than he used to when he furnished a top-rail to sit on. “Is the howling of a dog always followed by death?” asked a little gin of her father. “Not always, my dear; sometimes the man that shoots at the dog misses,” was the parent’s reply. Yes, my boy, there are 55,200,000 people in this country, and you are only one of them—just one. Think of that one in a while, when you get to wondering what would happen to the world if you should die.

“Is Miss Blank at home?” asked a fault-less-attired bore of the new girl. The girl took : rom her pocket a photograph, carefully scanned it, and after another look at the features of the visitor answered: “No, sor; she has gone to Europe." He left. At a recent divorce trial the wife was asked 8 question, to which she made the following reply: “When I was first married I was so jealous of my husband that I thought every woman I saw wanted him, and now I wonder how I ever could have been such a fool as to have wanted him myself.” Charlie Vere de Vere (sententiously):

“Geniuees, my dear Miss Marlborough, are men who just miss being fools, and fools are men who just miss being geniuses.” Miss Marlborough (awestruck): "What original things you say, Mr. Vere de Vere; I sometime think that you are almost a genius.” “Kitty, dear.” cried the lover, as he yearned hungrily over the back gate, "yon are the sum total of my heart’s calculation and though I hoped to gain by your addition, you set me at naught and leave me but to sign for—” Just here the old man solved his arithmetical harangue by footing him np the alley. “Amtthing new or. fresh this morning?” a reporter asked in a railroad office. “Yes.” replied the lone occupant of the apartment "What is it?*’asked the reporter, eagerly whipping out his note book. “That paint you are leaning against” That railway man is now in the hospital, and that reporter is in jail. Enthusiastic Professor of Physics, discussing the organic and inorganic liingdoms—“Now, if I a hould shut my eyes—so —and drop my head—so—and should not move, you would say I was a clod. But I move, I leap, I run; then what would you call me?” Voice from the rear—' “A clod hopper I” Class is dismissed,—Vassar Miscellany. A schoolmistress of Eureka, California, while on her way to school, was attacked by an infuriated steer. “She seized the animal by the horns and held him until help came.” The next day she saw a rat in the school room, when she hastily gathered her skirts about her, jumped upon* desk and yelled murder. A rat has no horns for a woman to grab hold of, The tide of immigration haa decreased very perceptibly. During the last year the falling off has been fully twenty-five per cent One-third of the immigrants come from Germany. England and Wales frunish one-seventh of the new-comers, whi’e only one in fifteen comes from faminestricken Ireland. The per cent, of decrease has been about the same for the different nationalities. The effect of the embargo upon Chinese immi has been to reduce tlie number of arrivals San Francisco mere than one-half.