Rensselaer Republican, Volume 15, Number 14, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 14 December 1882 — PITH AND POINT. [ARTICLE]

PITH AND POINT.

A bell-c&ocx is useless when there’s no cause of alarm. Ant good-looking laps i t perfectly happy when left to ner own reflections. At least three men on the average jury feel bound to disagree with the rest te show that they’re got minds of their own. "Pa, what is an employment agent?” “Why, my son, he is a man who is very anxious to get work for. others to do. He himself doesn’t want any.” Josh Billings’ advice: "Mi dear boy, selekt your buzzem friend with grate caushun; once selekted, indorse him with your bottom dollar.” Teacher— “ Define the word excavate.” Scholar—“lt means to hollow out.” Teacher—“ Construct a sentence in which the word is properly used." Scholar—“ The baby excavates when It gets hurt.” We see that “fur-lined circulars are fashionable again.” People had muoh better advertise in the newspaper than waste their money sending fur-lined circulars through the postoffice.—Boston Comrrurcial Bulletin .. “Bill, what’s become of Lem Johnson? Hain’t seen dat chap for more’n seventeen weeks.” “Oh, he dun got in a bad scrape and had to leave town." “How was dat ?” “He was caught in de act of passing a counterfeit cent.” What a jndge of character that Brooklyn boy must be of whom the following story is told : “I reokin it’* Vanderbilt hisselfy” said an urohin to a group of comrades who gathered around to hear his story of a man who had just been rescued from drowning. “Why de yer think so ?” asked one of them. "Cos I saw ’im give the feller what hauled ’im out a quarter." “No, sir-ee,” remarked the old resident. ’“My wifo.didn’t bring me a cent. But it was my fault. I wouldn’t have it. The morning of the day we were married I says to her, says I: ‘Maria, how much money have you got?’ She says: ‘John, I’ve just got 25 cents.* Then says I: ‘Come with me,’ and I took her down to the canal and had her throw the quarter into the drink. I wasn’t goin’ to have the woman twitting me about spreadin’ around on her money.” Dr. Haughton, a well-known sage of Dublin, an enthusiastic lover of animals and keenly interested in zoological matters there, invited a London wit to breakfast with him at the Zoological Gardens in company with a few kindred spirits. As soon as the* wit appeared he was called on for a happy thought, and promised that if one occurred te him he would give it forth. Dr. Haughton was speaking of the difficulty of keeping up the funds of the society—sixpence had been charged at the gates, and twopence, but it was hard to get sufficient money in. “A happy thought!” cried his guest. “Throw open the doors and let the people in gratis. Then close the gates and open the other gates—the doors of the beasts’ cages. Finally, charge the people coming out!” — Pall Mall Gazette. “A man entered the office the other day,” says Puck, “heavily laden with a variety of objects. A breast-pin stuck in the label of his coat; a custard pie was in his left hand; a pair of lavender trousers hung over one arm, while a bent piece of stovepipe was held under the other; a green apple was in his coat pocket; his other hand contained & plate of ice cream, a glass of soda water and a can of kerosene, Beside him walked a mule with a garden gate on his back, and a bull-dog and a goat. He created a great deal of consternation until he stated that he was a journeyman humorist, accompanied by his professional instruments, which he desired to storo for a few days, a request that was cheerfully granted by the staff.