Rensselaer Republican, Volume 14, Number 51, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 7 September 1882 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

A shoddy mill—A bogus prize-fight. It is to cheat an Arab in a horse trade; in other words you oau’t gum Arabio that way. A Stath Commissioner of life-insur-ance laid “ ‘Receivership’ but half covers the case. We need a new word, that shall signify both to rooeive and devour.” “ How do you keep off the canker worms ?” said the visitorj: “they destroy everything that grows.* “Oh, very easily,” said Mr. Emerson, in his mild way; “we kill them as we do politicians —with printer’s ink.”— Washington Poet, A voting would-be wit in Lewis tom Me., who attempted to ohaff a half-in-toxicated lumberman, was greeted with: “I mind my own business. I know what you are. We make No. 2 clothespins out of such stock as you up our way. You git 1 ” “ Hn is the happiest man,” sayfl Henry Ward Beecher, “who can carry the golden threads of boyish enjoyment farthest along through the web of life.” What are the golden threads, Henry, without the silver dimes and quarters ? —New York Neufa.

“ You love ? ” echoed the fair creature, as her pretty, head oiled the oollar of his summer suit. “ Yes,” he said' tenderly, “you are my own and only ” “Hush,” she interrupted, “don’t say that —be original. That sounds too much like a circus show-bill." “Mbn’s night-gowns are made with pockets in them.” Thus in case the wife of a man’s bosom oalls Jor a new bonnet in the middle of tiie night he can immediately pull out his pocket-book and furnish her with the funds. A great saving of sleep to the husbands of the land. —New Haven Register.

Osoab Wilds says that the Swiss boys do some carving on the front porch of their houses, and wonders why American boys are not as ingenious, ii Oscar had ever witnessed the larrruping of an American boy for carving his desk at school he wouldn’t wonder why they didn't go right home and carve the porch. —Steuben Republican. When the young man stepped up to the soda-fountain engineer with his country ooosin, he said he would take the usual thing, giving the engineer a peculiar wink. You cau bet the engineer was dazed when the country girl said: “ Well, that’s good enough for me ; I’ll take the same, and gave him the same kind of a wink. —Syracuse Sunday Times. The worthy dootor, like so many in his profession, believed firmly that each olimacteric period of a man’s life is fraught with peouliar danger. They happened to be talking of a man who had just been guillotined. “What age was he, eh?” broke in the dootor. “ Thirty-five.” “ I knew it I told you so. Every seventh year is a dangerous year.” —From the French. Dubing a wild and raging storm at sea the Chaplain nervously asked one of the crew if he thought there was any serious danger to be apprehended. “Inhere is and no mistake,” replied the sailor. “If it keeps on blowing as hard as it does now I reckon we all shall, be in paradise at 12 o’clock to-higtit.” The Chaplain, terrified at the answer, cried out: “Shall we? Heaven forbid.” Wb dislike to intimate that it is possible for an editor to lie, but the statement in a Texas paper that a catfish that weighed 170 pounds was caught in the Brazos justifies the apprehension that if the editor is not careful he may unknowingly learn to exaggerate, and then he will drift into poli ios or the pulpit It is very difficult for a catfish to weigh 170 pounds. The catfish has no scales. —Texas Siftings.