Rensselaer Republican, Volume 14, Number 48, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 17 August 1882 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

Thirty days after a Michigan man got a divorce from his wife to marry ”bne with a handsomer face the woman fell heir to $287,000. You bet that exhusband feels like a man with the jumping toothache. Culture and slang: “Acquires the confection” is the Boston girl’s translation of “Takes the cake.” Similarly. “The proper caper” becomes “The correct contortion.” Consolation misapplied: “Yon must fee) lonely, since your husband went away,” consolingly observed a neighbor to her lady friend. “Not at all, she replied: it is the first holiday I have had since I was school-girl.” “I declare, John, I never saw such a man! You are always getting some new wrinkle.” And the brute calmly replied: “Matilda, you are not, thank fortune. If you had a new wrinkle, you would have no place to put it, dear.” The decorative art mania. Miss Nonaufait: “What a charming love of a cup marked ‘Tom and Jerry!’” Gentlemanly vendor of majolica: “Yes, we sell a large number of them.” MissN.: “But haven’t you some marked Clifford and Alvoid, or Bertie and Georgie?” A Chicago young man broke into the room of the girl he loved, to carry her away, as she refused to marry him. She was absent, but left the bull dog asleep on the bed. The room was dark. The dog didn’t bark but workeu. In about seven minutes the remains of the young man came out and said he wouldn’t marry that girl for $70,000. “0, smile as thou wert wont to smile,” sang the idol of little Toddlekin’s soul one evening as he sat on the lounge in the parlor. He had recently at her earnest request sworn off the use of intoxicating fluids. As she repeated the refrain he looked up calmly with a strange, far-off look in his thirsty eye and reached for his hat “You don’t know, Maria; you don’t know,” said little Toddlekin, “what a weight that song has lifted from my heart.” He smiled again that evening as he was wont, but she never again sang so touching a ballad. At a royal wedding in Germany it is customary for the mistress’of ceremonies to cut up one of the bride s garters into small pieces, which are distributed to those who have taken part in the festivities of the day. As a large number* are entitled to these fragments of the Order of the Garter, it is not quite clear how one garter, or even a pair of garters, could supply the demand. At Prince William’s recent marriage the difficulty was met by using many yards of ribbon instead of the bride’s garter. “Ma,” said an urchin with dirt-cov-ered knuckles and a pocket full of marbles, “is it wicked to play marbles for keeps?” “Yes, my son, and you must never do it” “Is it wicked when you lose all the time?” “Yes, just the Same.” “Is it wicked if you win all the time and play with a boy who says his mother says if she had your feet she’d never go out except after dark?” “I—l—go and wash your hands and get ready for supper!” was the sharp reply, and the lad continued to play for keeps. A would-be mother-in-law meets a friend, lately in the same predicament, who cries out: “Oh, my dear, I have such a piece of news for you. My daughter was married yesterday!” “How nice! But how did you manage it? Was your son-in-law indifferent to your lack of money, or did you make him believe you were rich?” “Oh, no (with a gleeful chuckle): I got our family doctor to tell him I couldn’t live six months.” “Dearest Harold, I love you with all the deep devotion of my sex. <sTour image is ineffaceably engraved on the tablets of my memory, and in my heart the love I bear for you can never, never die. But lam extravagant, wildly ambitious to shine in society, to sit beside the jeweled queens of fashion, to dazzle all eyes with priceless gems, and so, dear, dear Harold, I must marry the plumber.”