Rensselaer Republican, Volume 14, Number 47, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 10 August 1882 — WHATPASSE. OR WIT. [ARTICLE]

WHAT PASSE. OR WIT.

In the wild West: These hot nights in Leadville folks are frequently covered with nothing more than a revolver. Circus jokes: The jokes of the circus clown must he made up of kind words. For, you know, “kind words never die.” The book agent is a heroine: “Her Face Was Her Fortune,” is the title of a popular novel. She was evidently a book agent and traveled on her onesk. Banking: Well old fellow, what are you doing now?” “Nothing; hnt I’ve a big scheme on foot. Lots of money in it.” “A-ahl What is it?” “I’m going into a banking house.” “A-ahl After dark?” Wordswoth improved: “Heaven lies übout ns in our infancy,” says the poet. The inference is that as soon as we get big enough to talk we oan be relied on to rely about ourselves. If we do not our enemies will lie about us. Cause and effect: Eminent provincial tragedian—“ Come hlthorr, sweet one. Your mothorr tells me that you shed teorrs during my soliloquy in exile last night!” Sweet one-“ Yes, sir. Mother kept on pinching me ’cause I was so sleepy 1” An enthusiastic Briton: First John Bull, ‘ H admiral Seymour’s the boy! Ht wouldn’t give mush for Harahl when the Had mi ral’fa done with ’im!” Second J. B. “Them’s the very words Hi said mettelf this hevening. Hi ’ope the Hadmiral will bring ’ome the ’arem!” A good oatoher : “Is that animal a success?” Inquired a neighbor of a farmer who had recently purchased a watch dog. "Well, I guess so; he oanght right on the first day.” replied the owner, proudly pointing to a mouthful of pantaloons debris near the dog s kennel. Novelty demanded: “By exclaimed Brown, “did you read this heroio act of a gunner on the Invincible, who picked up a lighted shell and put out the burning fose?” “Pooh!” replied Jones, “I saw that feat at the Boston Theatre last winter; give us something fresh.” Highly intelligent darling: “The robbers can’t steal my mamma’s earrings, cause pappa’s hidden them.” Interested lady visitor: “Is tint so, dear? Why. where has he put them, I wonder?” “I heard him say he’s But them up the spout, and expects ley will stay there.” Simile: Miss Walnnt Street, of Philadelphia, turns up her nose at Miss Michigan, of Chioago, at Cape May, because the latter says tbe form er is “stuok up.” “Dear me,” lazily says the Quaker City maiden, “That Western girl’s feet are like the hand of Providence—they cover everything. Happily twisted: When Sir George Rose was dining on one occasion with the late Lord Langdale, his host was speaking of the very diminutive church in Langdale, of which his lordship was patron. “It is not bigger,” said Lord Langdale, “than this dining room.” “No,” returned Sir George, “and the living not half so good/’ Water privileges: “You advertise that there is a fine stream of water on the place, bnt I don’t see it.” remarked a stranger who wanted to rent the place. The landlord said: “Just work that pump-handle a little and you will see a fine stream of water. You don’t expect to have the Niagara Falls on the place for fifteen dollars a month, do you?”

Fun at the expense of courtesy: “What shall my song be to-night?” said Miss Tibbs at the tea table. We are going to have a musloale. I think I shall try ‘Within a Mile of Edlnboro.’ ” “Seems to me,” said Jones, the undaunted, “1 would try something I could come within less than a mile of.” Miss T. says she thinks Lieutenant Jones is horrid. ... Death of George Washington: “When did George Washington die? asked an Austin teacher or a large boy. “Is he dead?” was the astonished reply. . “Why, it is not more than six months ago that they were celebrating his birthday, and now he is dead. It’s a bad year on children. I reckon his folks let him eat something that didn’t agree with him.” Under false colors: “Wife,” said a New Haven man impatiently, “why do you let that child run around today so dirty, so much like a little monkey? I ran him in neighbor Jones’ yardjußt now, the worst looking object I ever saw.” “Was he over there, though?” was the responded inquiry. “Well, he’ll pass for Mr. Jones’ dirty brat to long as he is there. I’m not going to worry.” Congress water: A stranger dropped in one morning before breakfast at a Washington drug store and called for a bottle of Congress water. The intelligent clerk ducked behind the counter and promptly produced a bottle of old Monongahela. The customer tasted it, and then, depositing his glass, remarked* “Du you call that Congress water?" “That’s it,*’ answered the pill oompounder, smiling pleasantly. “Every Congressman who comes in here drinks it/ Costly: A certain young man brought his affianced down from the country to see the sights. One day while they were passing the confectioner’s the swain noticed in the window a placard bearing the announcement: “Ice cream sl\ per 'gal.” “Well” said the young man as he walked into the saloon, “that’s a pretty steep price to charge for one gal; but, Mula, I’ll see you through, no matter what It costs. Here’s * dollar, waiter; ice cream for this gaL”