Rensselaer Republican, Volume 14, Number 46, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 3 August 1882 — ALL SORTS OF JORES. [ARTICLE]

ALL SORTS OF JORES.

Disproportion: “Btrawberry shortoato?’» remarked Bogg, inquiringly, ashegasedat the meagre array of fruit between the thick crusts; “yes, I should say so—a good many strawberries short”; Principals, not men: “Yes,” says the railway magnate, “I suppose it is hard upon the freight handlers to work for a dollar and a quartet a day, but you know it is principals, not men, that we must look after.” A question of wind: Barber to customer, who, awaiting his turn to be shaved, is fanning himself vigorously wi ,tha oopy of the New York Herald ‘There are plenty of fans hying around tbe shop. Customer—“ Because there’s more wind in this paper.” Too frisky: A famous cheese-maker ordered piotures of his produot from a Paris photographer. On seeing the proof, which really was very bad, he said: “This won’t do. Confound Sou, my oheese never looked like iat.” “Ah, sir,” said the photographer “but, you see, it moved.” A ollnoher: Before the oolored folks broke up their debating society, this question was up for debate: “Am fire more useful dan iron ?” The affirmative would have gained it had not a sable member on the other side thrown this bombshell: “Es it hadn’t been fer iron de white folks would er bin lioken’ de niggers tel yit.” With Grant: “I was with Grant,” said the bareheaded stranger at Long Branch.” “Ah, interrupted a kina man, “you are a veteran of the late war ana need money to buy a loaf of bread.” “No; no,” continued the stranger. “I was with Grant. He was pulled out of the wrecked car first and, oonfound him, he walked oft with my hat.” Only her husband: “Mrs. McCoble. an Austin lady, rebuked her oolored oook, Matilda Snowball, in the following words: When I hired you you said you didn’t have any male friends and now I find a man in the kitchen half the time.” “Lor bress your soul, he ain’t no male friend of mine.’ “Whole he, then?” “He am only my husband.”

The dog and the baby: Mrs. Van Rennselaer—"Now, are you sure you have all the needs for the journey ? His cup and his pillow, his saucer for milk and the blsouit?” Maid—’ Oui, madame. (And then with a relapse into brogue and some anxiety) An’ how about the baby, mum?” Mrs. Van R.—"Oh, her father has her. It is as much as I can do to look after Bijou.” Art in the West: Art, as it finds expression in the columns of Western newspapers, is sometimes confusing. "Mother.” asked a pupil of an lowa Jmbiio school, picking up a country ournal and pointing to an engraving that covered the greater part of tbe front page, "is that map of the moon ? ’ ’ "No,my child,” she responded. "That is a picture of Gulteau’s execution. 11 Unsatisfactory arithmetic: Parson —"I wish to complain, Mrs. Dlggins, of the conduct of your daughter at the Sunday school to-day; it was rude to the extreme.” Mrs. D.—"Ah, it’s what they taches her at thattheer board school as dun it; yesterday she came home and she says: 'Mother, they are a-taohing of me vulgar fraxshuns.’ What can you expect after that, sir?” Acrobatic: A news item says that the best female circus rider in Russia is Dounedretisky, who "turns a double somersault through a hoop and carries her name, which is painted in the centre, along with her.” To turn a double somersault through a hoop may not be a very remarkable feat, but to get her name through without knocking off some of its corners is certainly an astonishing performance. A comedown: Lady customer—- " What are the strawberries to-day ?” Tradesman, who thinks he has a grand order—" Two shillings a basket, madam.” Lady customer—" And what are the beans ?” Tradesman—" Three and-six the bundle, madam,” Lady customer—" Well, aheml I like parsley when it’s fresh, so you cap Bend a bit every day when it comes to a pennyworth just put it down to me. Tableau. A sweet girl: They were looking at the painMng. "It's perfectly lovely,” said she; "but what makes tbe animals look so queer ? They don’t look natural one bit.” "Oh,” said he; "they look right a little way off. They are fore-shortened, you know.” ‘Yes,’ she replied; "they do look short, but there aren’t four of them, George; at least I can see but three.” George says Clara don’t know much about art, but she is such a sweet girl. Righteous indignation: It was at a circus, and Herr Signor Von D. Smitbjonesky was going through his thrilling act In the cage of live lions, when suddenly one of the leasts sprang upon him and took a generous bite out of his leg. Intense excitement, in the midst of which a pious woman is heard exclaiming, "Come, let us get out of this Sodom before the centre-pole falls and crushes us! Tbe idea of a lion that eats meat on Friday!” Just married: They were raised here in Austin, but she did not know much about gardening; at the same time she did not care to expose her ignorance to h<r husband. They had only been married a short time, when he said: "I notice the asparagus is about ripe—don’t you want to go out Into the garden and get some?” She replied: "I’ll tell you what we will do. We will go out together. You climb up and snake the tree, and I’ll catch them in my apron as they fall.” *