Rensselaer Republican, Volume 14, Number 43, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 13 July 1882 — WHAT PASSES FOR WIT. [ARTICLE]

WHAT PASSES FOR WIT.

Acommercial paradox: The shylocks always get fat on a lien law. Holding for a raise: Indian scalps are worth ten dollars each in Arizona, but there are few sales at that price, as the owners are holding them for a raise. The anchor of the soul: “What shall we do when all hope is gone?” asks a Cleveland paper. We advise you to get a new catcher and a better set of fielders. Power of the kitchen: “I really believe my wife thinks I’m only half baked,” said the sad faced man, “for she always give* me. warming .vhen I come home.” Not Schuylkill water: It was a French Woman who exclaimed, holding up a glass of sparkling fresh water: “Ah! if it were only wicked to drink this how nice it would taste!” Selfishness: “Yonder go the most disobliging couple in our neighborhood.” “You surprise me; please explain.” “Oh, they always close the windows when they have a row.” College incident: A college student translated the French sentence Vous etes-vous trompe, monsieur? (Were you mistaken?) with the startling query, ’’Hav) you trumped, sir?” She reduced its weight: An Atlanta woman who had written a letter to her husband in Memphis tore off a hunk from one corner when she found it was a little too heavy for one stamp. Self-made: “You’ve made a fool of me,” said an irritated man to his wife. “My love,” she sweetly responded, “you do yourself injustice; remember that you are in all respects a self-made man.” Accuracy: “And what, then, was the date of your poor husband’s death?” “Let me recollect myself ma’am! Well, if he’d ’a lived till Wednesday next be d ’a been dead three weeks!”

Unanimity: "And what shall I say more?” asked the clergyman after an heur’s holding forth. And it was noticed that every mouth in the congregation instinctively formed i*felf into the word "Amen.’’ A legislator’s mouth: “I haven’t opened your mouth during the whole session,” said a legislator to a fellowmember. "Oh, yes, I have. I yawned through the whole of your speech,” was the complimentaiy reply. Coaching item: "Don’t you think I have a good face for the stage?” asked a young lady with histrionic aspirations. "I don’t know about the stage,” replied her gallant companion, "but you have a lovely face lor a bus.” Aristocracy in America: A prominent Michigan lumberman, whose wealth was too much for his democratic peace of mind, got out a patent of nobility and a cost-of-arms recently. His motto was "Vidi.” Only his classical friends knew it meant "I saw.” The husband in millinery art: A crusty old fellow once asked, "What is the reason that griffins, dragons andjdevils are ladies’ favorite subjects for embroidery designs!” "Ah, because they are continually thinking of their husbands,” was the lady’s quick retort. Celebrating: "What’s the crowd about?” querried a stranger, as he noticed a stream of visitors going into a fashionable residence. It’s a silver wedding,” obligingly responded his informant. " Why,a chaps been married twenty-five times and he’s celebratin, of it.” She tossed her pretty head: A young girl being asked recently, as she returned from the circulating library with the last new novel, if she had ever read Shakespeare, tossed her pretty head and answered: "Shakespeare? Of course I have; I read that when it first came out.” It was the cat: A Chatanooga negro was looking up a chimney, when a bolt of lightining came down and stripped the buttons off his vest. When he got his breath he remarked that if he had known that cat war up there, and calculating to .come down, he would not have got in the way for $5.

Grocery store incident: An old gentleman (who does not like his last purchase of matches) “No Mr. Brown I tell you them red-headed matches never amount to any thing.” Mr. and Mrs. Auburn hair, married last week, want to know what business ‘tis of his, the impudent old thing. Ethelbert’s promise: "Premise me, Ethelbert,” s«id she, as she fastened a rose in his buttonhole, "that you will wear this until it withers and dies.” "I will, indeed,” was the cheerful reply; "J will wear this rose if I don’t wear anything else." Somehow they both blushed and went their respective ways. Truth uses a pin: "I feel lam growing old,” says the lady, mincingly, to her guests, "for really I am beginning to lose my hair.” (Of course she has bushels of it, and it is black as a raven s wing.) "Then, ma,” exclaims her little child, with the innocent frankness of infancy, "why don’t you lock up the drawer when you put it away at night?”—From the French. Pride of family: At a country house where I was visiting a few years sinoe a stately major-doiuo, bearing the name of MacMahon, reigned over the ce'lar. "Are you a relation of the Marshal’s?” jokingly said a friend who was with me. “No, sir,” was the grave reply; "the French President is of our younger bouse; we are the MacMahons of Clare!” Tableau !—London World.