Rensselaer Republican, Volume 14, Number 41, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 29 June 1882 — WHAT THE WITS ARE DOING. [ARTICLE]

WHAT THE WITS ARE DOING.

Summer board—the circus seat. Last words of Webster: “Zythepsary, zythum. “I’ll shake you for the quinine,” said the ague to the victim. Quotation from Burns: “A chiel among ye r taken notes”—the pickpocket— In charity it mav be better to give than to receive; but in kissing it is about equal. They were twins. The parents christened one Kate and the other Dupli-Rate. What a pity it is that men of cheek have not more genius and men of genius more cheek. A kiss is called tetenamequiliztli in Mexico. Good long kiss, that, and that’s how it feels, to. Gloral: Apropos of the Language of Flowers,” how would forget-me-not do to send to a rich relative? A reason given why a piano was not saved at a fire was because nore of the firemen could play on it. Few people are so poor that they cannot keep a pair of horses—one for clothes and the other for wood. If our ancestors were monkey, they couldn’t have been ignorant. They all reveled in the higher branenes. / .

They have a brand of whisky in Kentucky known as the “horn of plenty,” because it will corn you copiously. A devil-fish with arms 32 feet long has been caught on the banks of Newfoundland. What a cashier he would have made. Journalistic: Some of the manuscript sent to printers is so bad thajt it ought first to be sent to the house of correction, with its author. What is the difference between an old tramp and a feather bed? There is a material difference. One is hard up and the other is soft down. Should and does: “Who shall decide when doctors disagree?” We don’t know who should, but we know that the undertaker generally does. “Why am T like jtti empty bag dearast?” asked a married man of his wife. “Give it up, eh? Because it gan stand when it’s full and I can’t. A curious fact: There are still a few persons at large who will invest their money in mining stock in preference to investing it in a dog and shooting the dog. A fish with eight jaws has been caught at Santa Monica, Colo. The scientists called in pronounce it a variety of what is known as the mother-in-law fish. A Spanish proverb has it that “Man is the child of his own deeds.” The American version should be that “Man is often the slave of his own mortgages.” Time: midnight. ‘She: “George, are you going to exhibit in the dbg show?” He: “No; w»?” She: “You are such a remarkably .fine setter.” Exit young man. “What is the best attitude for selfdefense?” said a pupil (putting on the gloves; to a well known pugilist. “Keep a civil tongue in your head,” was the significant reply:

A soft answer: “My dear,” said a husband to his wife, “what kind of a stone do you think they will give me when I am gone?” she answered, cooly, John.” At the opera in Dublin, a gentleman sarcastically asked a man standing up in front of him if he was aware he was opaque. The other denied the allegation, and said he was O’Brien. “Ineverarga agin a success,” said Artemas Ward. “When I see a rattlesnaix’s head sticking out ov a hole, I bear oft to the left and say to myself “that hole belongs to that snaix.” A western young man aged 18 has eloped with a married woman of threescore years. This esthetic craze for antiquities is becoming altogether too Eineral and threatens to cause troue. Lured into truthfulness; “Here, waiter, bring me some water to put in my wine. I always like my wine watered.” Waiter: “Oh, then, sir, you don’t want any I put plenty in before bringing it to you, sir!” Happy thought: “Young Tonemdown has at last had a picture (and a very bad one) hung on the line at the Royal Academy. He diguises himself as a policeman and stands by his picture all day. Great success! Why he disagreed: “Disagree,” said the juryman, “of course I did. D’ye think I’m such a commonplace lunkhead as to have no opinions different from the eleven donkeys I was associated with ? I disagreed, sir, as a matter of justice to myself!” A collegian’s feelings hurt: Sandwich man (to Mr. Smythe, of Columbia, who thinks it is the correct thing to wear his cap and gown in the street as “they do abroad, you know”): “I say, but you have an aisy place. Phat are ye advetoisin’, any way?” Pessemism: Little girl of eight: “I beard them say that after the divorce ma would marry M. Ernest, that gentleman whofalways gives us candy.” Little boy of ten, with the gloomy cynicism of his greater age: “And he won’t give us any candy then!” Powder explosion: A literary man, who had recently published a book, was observed to be very downcast last week. “What is the matter?” said a friend; . “you look all broken up.” “No wonder,” was the answer; “I’ve jusl been blown up by a magazine.”