Rensselaer Republican, Volume 14, Number 40, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 22 June 1882 — SAID TO BE FUNNY. [ARTICLE]

SAID TO BE FUNNY.

Man is never to old to learn—mischief. The gold-miner gets his beer by quartz. A corn dodger—A man who avoids wearing tight boots. “That’s what beats me, remarked a boy as he passed a pile of shingles. The Pasha was compelled t 6 sub-mit,therebeiirg-no other way* Tew-" fiks it. Florida has something to cry over. It js an opion that measures fourteen inches.' ' 1 «. f Why would coal-dealers make good lawyers? Because they know all about coke and Little ton., Brink, says an exchange, weakens the system. Yes, but just think how it strengthens the breath Miss Dickson is a noble-hearted woman, say what they will. She is always ready to take a man’s part. Doctor examine my tongue and tell me what it needs,” said a good woman, “It needs rest,” answered the truthful doctor. Jessie James evidently deserved his death, for when he shot he had his boots on and was standing on one of his wife’s best chairs. Farmer—Yes, when a farmer is hauling silo on his farm with a donkey, and the boys make fun of him. it is silo, jack, and the game. A little boy came to bis mother recently and said: I should think that if I was made of dust I would get muddy inside when I drink.” For Athenians only: Sarah Bernhardt’s marriage to a Greek is no matter of wonder. She is herself a thinny I ’un.—Louisville Courier-Journal. Down in Texas, when they want to express loathing ror a man they say he’s mean enough to hand a pint bottle filled with water to a friend on a dark night. “Bridget, I cannot allow you to receive your lover in the kitchen any longer.” “It’s very kind of you, ma’anr, but he’s almost too bashful to come into the parlor.” Two men in Norwich have been fined S2O each for forcing a boy to drink whiskey. The penalty seems severe, but Norwich is determined to guard against wilful waste,—Danbury News.

"What did you say the conductor’s name was?” "Glass—Mr. Glass.” "Oh no!” "But it is.” "Impossible —it can’t be.” "And why not, pray?” /Because, sir, Glass is a non-conduct-or.” [Deafening applause from the scientific passengers. ] "Rubbing a bald head daily with a fresh raw onion will make the hair grow out again.” Nature can stand a good deal, but when it comes to such treatment she throws up the sponge, and would start a crop of peacockfeathers if the owner desired it. -• Gus De Brown, who has prolonged his call considerably after 10 ;45 p. m.: "Bo you don’t admire men of conservative views, like my self Miss Angel?” Miss A., with vivacity: "No Indeed; I prefer people who have some go in them.”; De B. reaches for i his hat. It’s funny, but a soft-palmed wo- | man can pass a hot pie-plate to her nearest neighbor at the table with a smile sweet as distilled honey; while a man with hand as horny as a crocodile’s back will drop it to the floor and howl around like a Sioux Indian at a scalp-dance "Do you pretend to have as good a Ijudgmentasl have?” exclaimed an enraged wife to her husband. "Well, no,” he replied slowly: "our choice of partners for life shows that my judgment is not to be compared with yours.” The temperance people are agitated because Mr. Tennyson in his song asks his friends to drink to freedom. It may be well to comfort these agitat ed people by supposing that the place at which Mr. Tennyson proposes to drink has taken out a poetical license. At a high-school examination, the teacher asked the son of an old icedealer how many ounces there were in a pound. And the boy said it depended on tbe extent of the crop, the length of the summer, and the heat of the weather, varying from five and a half to eleven and three quarters, but never reaching as high as sixteen. /What harm has the lad doneSyou ?” asked an old gentleman, roughly collaring a boy who was warming the jacket of another urchin with a bit of wild gr*pe vine. "He ain’t done me no barm.” "What are you thrashing him for then?” "’Couse nis father and mother never licks him, and I’m a doin’ it for charity.” A man living near Burlington, Vt., recently got divorces from his wife, whom neijDQW employs as hired girl, but he can’t see what he gains by the operation. She demands $8 a week, the washing sent out, three nights and an afternoon off, besides the privilege ofhaviageompany in the kitchen and now threatens to leave if he does not introduce into the house all the modern improvements. There is a proposition to pass a law making it an indictable offense for an individual to send out a Polar expedition, unless he goes himself. The practice of hiring good sailors to go off and freeze to death at sl6 a month, while it proves a good advertisement for tbe fellow who hires them, is pretty tough on the families of those who never come back. Hereafter let none but bachelors go after the North Pole.