Rensselaer Republican, Volume 14, Number 39, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 15 June 1882 — JOKES FOR FUNE. [ARTICLE]

JOKES FOR FUNE.

A six-button kid: A little boy, proud of his new Jacket, informed his sister that he’wae a six-button kid. Philosophy: Bophronia—“What is philosophy?” It, 18 something that enables a rich man to say there is no disgrace in being poor. Heartless: “Botj” continued Mrs. F.. /there is reason in all things.” “Excepting, of course, most of the things you say,” replied Fogg, the hard-hearted monster. Sporting item: it,you’ve shot the dug! A thsMgbt you told me youoould hold a .gum’,’ Pat: “Bure and so I dan yer Honor. Its the shot, sor, I couldn’t hdwldl” Natural history: “Listen, Auntie; what’s that the cuckoo, darling. Don’t you know the cuckoo?” “Oh, yes! The cuckoo’s that horrid bird that doesn’t lay Its own eggs!” Making Rome howl: “A mfeps Cato, amicus Plato, amicus Cicero, sed major veritas.” The next morning the lawyer found himself reported m the newspapers as follows: “I may cuss Cato, I may cuss Plato, I may cuss Cicero, said Major Veritas.” ~\ The professional patriot: My country JjUa from thee I long to get a fee, Of that I ring. Place me where Congress meets, Where I canfind the sweets, Or in some, ring. —Cambridge Tribune. Hit him a sockdolager: “Mercy! how the wind blows!” exclaimed Mrs. Fenderson. “Dfdyou ever know the wind when it didn’t blow?” asked Fenderson contemptuously. “Very true,” replied Mp.'F., “ana some people do a great deal of blowing without ever being able to raise the wind.” Brilliant simile: Michael’s wife was leaning overthe bank of the canal washing ionto clothes. A boatman on the tow-path observing her said: “Mike, aren’t you afraid Mrs. Mullaney rail in and get drowned?” “Divll a bit,” responded her husband, “she oan swim lolke a tailor’s goose.” ; A nice landlord: “Look here,*’ said an indignant Austin tenant to his landlord, ‘‘there is a cat in the cistern of that house you rented to me.” “Is it dead?” “It looks like it.” “Then it will not disturb you any at night, so I will raise your rent five dollars on that account..’' A Catches the eye: l “A loft to lett” is painted on a board suspended on the door of a Gold f street store. “Why don’t you spell those . words properly?” a customer asked the proprietor. “Because if we did no one would turn to read them. That extra‘t’ catches the eye.” 7, Strange: “I met Mr. Higgles today,” remarked Mrs. Chippick. “He’s quite a changed foan. I hardly knew him, he’s so chipper arid lively.” “Indeed/’ responded nerlhusband gravely* “How very steaugel I read in the paper that his wife had sailed far Europe last week.” ' Loyalty:. AGerman actor, anxious to secure some applause and unable to Sty for a claqiie. secured places in 6 gallery*'for hls fiine children and Instructed them carefully as to the moment when they should clap their hands and shout “Bravo!” The moment arrived at last, and to his amaze meat a chorus of nine called out: “Bravo, papa, bravo. At the grocery: They were speaking about cranial deformities down at the comer grocery Ifod evening. “I hold,” said a fly young man, “that a man with a big head is Just as apt to be a durned fool as a man with a small head*” ‘ WfTrtie,” replied an elderly man whfolwas holding down the cover to a.augar barrel, “but he gineraJly knqwft -it , and don’t give himself away.” The young man ordered a small bottle of spruce beer. Under green apple boughs: Soon will the vender, blithe and sweet, Yell “Cooking apploe!” on the street/ And when they’re bought and on the shelf, 1 The matron’s small boy—wicked elf— 3* Will reach above, o’er plate and ‘ cup/‘ • And eat a half a dozen up; In just an hour he’ll be seen All twisted by the apple green, But he will take it very cool, And next day stay atnome from school. —Puck. Doesn’t complain: A man who had been carried to a Philadelphia hospita while suffering from the effects of a severe contusion was asked if he had been treated kindly while there. “Consideringall things,” he answered, “I think I have no right to complain. They amputated both of my feet, removed my collar bone, cut off my right arm, trepanned me, took out a piece of the under jaw, sawed my left hip bone in two, and were about to excavate five or six ribs when a fire broke out in the establishment and the police got a way with the rest of my body in safety.” Arithmetical, Grand pew: Julia has 5 beaux and Emily has 8, whifo the old maid dppr jias none. How many beaux in ail,'.and how many would be lefLu they should give the old maid |hajL thftlcrpwd ? A man pays thirty cents for . three pound<ofevaporated apples and gets or lose,und mush? I A. has an overcoat for which he paid $lB, and his wife trades it off for two ted-clay busts qf Andrew Jackson worth thirty centseach. How much money wiu. he get from her husband to buy bMj bonnet?